loveless

I hear my mother’s shrieks from outside the doors. Again, my father is home drunk; reeking of smoke and alcohol. It’s three in the morning and I am covering my head with my worn blanket. I should be used to seeing this by now. I have beard with this for the past nine years; the same routine every day, replicating for as long as I could remember. I gave up on trying to stop them. “What did you do with all the money again?” my mother shouted. Her voice was shaking. “If it weren’t for your stupid illness, I would be getting much more money now! Don’t fuzz over a few Yens. They weren’t even much to let me have enough fun,” my father cried. I don’t know why this rotten man is my father. I bit my shaking hand as his hideous words reached me. I removed the blanket off my head and walked closer to the door, placing my trembling fingers on the chilly knob. “How can you blame me for something I can’t control? It’s not like I asked for getting sick! If you want to have so much fun, why don’t you get a job yourself?” Silence hovered in the air for a brief moment before I heard a frightful sound of a smack against one’s bare skin. I didn’t think twice before I pulled down the door knob rushing out of the room. My mother was vulnerably sitting on the algid floor. Her bruised legs were peaking beneath her drained khaki skirt. Faintly maintaining her back straight, she finally extended both of her gruesome hands to the floor. “How many times do I have to tell you not to speak back to me?” my so-called father claimed before slamming the decaying door behind him, leaving the house again. My eyes were wide open. My head felt completely blank as an infant’s. I clenched my teeth before biting my lower lip again. My mom started coughing as she always did, before her frail body collapsed on the wooden floor. The collapsing noise got me back to reality. “Mom are you okay?” I asked as I rushed to her side. Drops of blood started falling from the tiny holes between her tightly clenched fingers; miserably trying to cover her mouth. “Mom! Should I call the ambulance?” I yelled, holding on to her shoulders. “I am okay Erika. Stop making a fuzz. You might wake your sister,” she said vividly. “Go to bed. You have school in a few hours. And don’t ever get out of your room when your father is here!” my mother ordered. “But mom! How can I leave you in that state?” “It happens every day. Don’t worry about me and go to bed.” Salty drops started sliding down my cheek when I went back to my room. Asuna was still sleeping very soundly. I wish I were as naïve as her. Their voices had been in my head for as long as I could remember. I woke up to the ringing alarm and woke my sister the same instant. Her wavy black hair resembled our mother’s greatly, along with her pitch black round eyes, which went amazingly well with her pale skin. I hated the way I looked. Both of us grabbed a fruit before leaving the dim crumpled house. As usual Asuna was singing to her hearts constant on the way to school. Her voice sounds like a deep melody to my ears, never failing to paint light on my path and a grin on my dim face. It would be the only time I felt grateful for being born in this household. “Ew! Your singing is bursting my ears! Stop ruining the nice mornings!” said a boy in the same year as Asuna. she got quiet as she looked down, holding in her tears.  I was raging when I took a very deep breath and exhaled noisily. “Don’t you dare talk to my sister like this!” I commanded glaring with my eyes open to their optimum. “A girl is a girl even if she is a bit older!” He laughed, high-fiving his pears. Without knowing, I dashed to his way faster than I thought I could. I took off my backpack and slammed it against his face as hard as I could; releasing all of my anger from last night in a flash. He fell to the ground and tried to get up again, this time with his fist ready. His friends were shockingly looking our way. I couldn’t see the face Asuna was making but I was sure she didn’t like what I was doing. “How could you!” the boy said before his fist damaged the skin cells on my cheek. I didn’t pull back nor did I look away. I looked up at his face, looking completely blank before I clenched on to my bag and smashed it on his head, I did it again and again repetitively. The boy fell on the ground crying and yelling for help with his nose bleeding. I finally stopped and put back my backpack when a teacher came out of the building and took us both to the principal’s office.  “Erika! How could you hit someone two grades younger than you to this point!” the principle questioned enraged. The boy was still crying. The teacher was holding a glass of water for him and patting his back, strikingly glaring at me. I looked away. “He made fun of my sister,” I mumbled, looking to the ground. “That does not answer my question! You have always been the star student! This isn’t an expected action from someone like you!” He slammed his fist on his desk. I hated that move. I hated that look. A man like him doesn’t have the right to tell me what to do when even he doesn’t have any morals. I stood up and walked closer to his desk, locking my eyes on his. “Filthy creatures like you don’t have the right to tell me what to do. Work on your own morals first before trying to fix someone else’s!” I shouted. I clenched my fists tightly and prepared myself for the worst. He looked shocked and so did the teacher. It was very quiet, not as anticipated. The principle closed his eyes sighing in frustration as he was fixing his polka-dotted red tie. “I know you have some problems going on at home, but I would not like to have that as an excuse for an act of violence.” I clenched my teeth against each other, sitting back down on the white plastic chair. “Erika, you will be handling the cleaning until the end of the year,” he concluded. *** I didn’t want my younger sister to experience this miserable feeling. I studied my parents well and learned life lessons. My father was always home for lunch so I never let Asuna go back by that time. As soon as we got to our neighbourhood, I took her to the park near our house. I didn’t want her to be like me. Our house was barely big enough for us. I shared a cramped room with Asuna. Barely enough to fit two futons and a worn out closet. My parents slept in a room smaller than ours. The kitchen barely fits its supplies and we didn’t have a living room. We ate in the narrow hallway connecting the rooms. My so called father treated my hardworking mother as garbage in front of my eyes. Why did she have to get married to someone as disgusting as him? Asuna and I spent our days in the library. Where we could indulge our heads in a perfect world. I loved books with strong female heroines, unlike my sister who was obsessed with romance fairy tales. I started to love fighting. I loved the strength of these women, how proudly they walked I didn’t want to only read about them. I wanted to be one! I began borrowing books about martial arts. I started filling a canvas bag with sand from the park and began training there. I felt overwhelmed. The more power I gained, the prouder I walked with my back straight. I practised every day after school. Asuna got annoyed, but she doesn’t understand the importance of power. After all, she never saw how weak women could get abused so easily. *** One rainy day I graduated from primary school. After the ceremony had ended, I waited for Asuna and left school together. It was very cold and stormy. Our worn umbrellas turned inside out due to the wind. We rushed home and took off our wet shoes. It was quiet for once. It wasn’t natural. I rushed to my mother’s room. I opened her door and saw her lying on the bed looking very pale. Cold sweat was trickled down her face and neck. Her eyes were unnaturally dim and slit.  She was coughing rapidly. I don’t want to see her coughing up blood again. I dashed to the kitchen, grabbed a cloth and filled a bowl with cold water. I sat down to her side, placing the cloth on her forehead. I could see clearly my shacking hands, unable to stop at my will. Asuna was sitting on the other side, crying her eyes out. “I am sorry Erika,” my mother said with broken words. “Mom, why are you apologizing?” I was frustrated. I didn’t know what to do. I had a lot of questions but had to keep silent. My mother held my shaking hand and looked at me with pained eyes. “Your father, he-” “Mom, I am not interested in whatever he is doing or wherever he is. Just focus on getting better, please mom,” I interrupted, before starting to tear up. She was tearful as well. “Please just listen to me!” It seems like it’s been bothering her. My hands stopped moving. I stood up straight and focused on what she is about to say. “Your father, he is in America now. Using all the money that we had. Everything. Leaving not even a yen untouched,” she explained sobbing. I started staring at her face as she was laying down on the rough messed up futon, in this cold weather with no heaters and now no money either. I could hear Asuna weeping; my mother looking completely lifeless, I changed the cloth on her forehead again. I didn’t know what to think or what to say. My mind was unable to send any signals for me. My mom obviously can’t work anymore and I am just a useless kid, unable to do anything.  “Erika, you have to work,” mother said bluntly. “Where would they hire a twelve-year-old kid?” I questioned just as dim. “I have a friend; she owns a big restaurant. I am sure she would welcome you. Luckily you are built enough to look like a fifteen-year-old so you will be fine. The salary there is really high so you must take the job seriously,” mother explained, sounding better than a while ago. I shook my head to her offer without giving it much thought. “Mom! I will take care of all the house work! So please just rest,” said Asuna, her nose and eyes were as bright as a bulb, still running continuously. “We have a deal then,” said mom very eagerly. Generations after generations. Men were always kings and the women were their servants. While all They do is abuse others and think that they are the best. I will change that. I swear I will make them regret thinking that they are better than women in anything at all. I don’t need that kind of creature in my life anymore. I will be smarter, stronger, rougher and more independent than any one of them. “I will protect both you and Asuna, mom! Please count on me. I will never let you down!”