Frat House Confessions

Prologue “Forgive me, Papi, for I have sinned,” I said dryly, sneering at the bottle in my hand, whose contents were dwindling. “Tell me,” Papi asked. Papi was our treasurer. He’d originally planned on becoming a priest, and now was our go-to guy for advice, complaints, and absolution for our sins. We all knew that he’d given up the priesthood, but we still used his room as the frat house confessional. “I’ve been having those urges again,” I muttered. “About your father?” he pressed, leaning forward in his chair with his elbows resting on his knees. He was currently dressed in a toga. Not to be a total f*****g cliché, but it was rush week and as the hottest frat on campus it was our duty to host the first toga party of the season. “Yeah,” I replied, taking a chug of rum before adding, “The one where I beat him bloody.” “Has something happened to bring these thoughts back? You were doing good over the summer, and hadn’t thought about him or the way he’d treated you as a child for a while. I thought our talks were helping.” “They are, it’s just … Brody called to give me and Wes a head’s up … My mom’s filing for divorce. Guess the bastard’s been cheating on her again. And, that’s not all, Brody heard them fighting and found out the asshole was married before.” “No s**t?” Papi asked, his face showing his surprise. I couldn’t blame him. I thought I knew every skeleton in my father’s closet. “Yeah, turns out we have three older sisters.” Brody and Wes were my younger brothers. Wes was here at college with me, while Brody was living out the last year of his sentence in that mausoleum our parents called a home. “f**k, that’s crazy,” Papi said, taking a pull of his beer. I ran my hand over my face, my vision blurring as I recalled my conversation with Brody. “Now, my mom’s feeling all clingy and emotional and said Wes and I have to come home for Thanksgiving. She’s talking about inviting her best friend and her daughter, who she’s been trying to hook me up with for years. She’s always had this grand plan of marrying me off and partnering up with another rich family who have good social connections. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of it.” Papi leaned back and teepee’d his hands, bringing them to his lips as he looked at me thoughtfully. I took another drink as I waited, sure that Papi would bring the magic like he always did. A few seconds later, he snapped his fingers and stood up excitedly. “I’ve got it.” “Tell me,” I encouraged, getting to my feet as well, albeit somewhat unsteadily. “Two birds … one stone.” I waited, the sounds of the music from below pulsing beneath my feet. “This year, Crush is planning on making the pledges participate in a new test. Each pledge is going to have to find a girl who needs help. You know, somewhat dumpy, shy, or in that awkward, I just moved away from home and don’t know who I am phase. Once they get their pick approved, it will be their job to make her over and turn her into the kind of chick we’d want hanging around the house, rather than the type to hang with the losers in Denny’s all night.” “What, like a dogfight? That’s f****d up,” I said with a scowl. Crush was a f*****g asshole, but everyone knew that. “Kind of, but not quite that shitty. We aren’t giving out prizes for finding the ugliest chick and making her think she’s hot, we’re rewarding pledges who find a girl with potential and help her realize that potential.” “How do I play into it?” “Well, as the brother every pledge wants to emulate, and our Sergeant at Arms, you could sort of lead the cause. Get Crush off your ass by playing along with his stupid game. Find a girl to makeover, let Crush have his jollies, and take the girl to Thanksgiving. Tell your mom you guys are in love and she doesn’t need to fix you up.” I looked at him like he was crazy, cause he f*****g is, then shook my head. When the room started spinning, I stopped. “I can’t take some frumpy girl home for Thanksgiving. My mom will never fall for that s**t. She is the Susan Temple after all, and anything other than a Stepford chick will not be welcome.” “Ridge, dude, you’re not listening,” Papi said, then looked at me closely and added, “Or, maybe you’re just drunk … You will make this girl into whoever you want her to be. Make her over into the young woman of Susan Temple’s wet dreams.” “That’s f*****g gross,” I said with a scowl. “Just think about it,” Papi said. “That’s your penance, if you choose to accept it. Find a college beauty who’s hiding her light under a bushel and give her a makeover that’ll have every guy in this house jizzing over her.” He walked over to the door and opened it, turning back to me. “Now, we have a kickass party going on downstairs, and I just know there are some fine ladies down there wondering where their Papi went, so I’m going down. You coming?” “Nah,” I said as I followed him into the hall. “I’m not really feelin’ it. I think I’m gonna go listen to some music and sort my s**t out. If anyone asks where I am, just say I’m balls deep in a blonde.” “You got it, brother,” Papi said, bounding down the stairs toward the chaos. I turned left down the hall toward my room, swaying slightly as I lifted the bottle once more to my lips, and wondered if I was willing to lie to some unsuspecting chick in order to get my mom off my back. Probably.