Chapter Ten
I have no idea where she is headed with what she is saying to me. What huge, grave mistake could have I made that makes her feel the need to say that?
“You were supposed to get money from Gino, but you know what, it's fine if you did not get it. I'll just tell him that I will get his money later as long as you know that I can actually go and do that, right?”
She asks me and I say loudly before I realize that indeed I cannot continue in this path of I have to tell her the truth eventually and she will have to find out anyway. So I might as well just do it right now and get it over and done with because having to start my day with telling her the truth was going to be a lot worse.
I was going to have my day ruined and I really didn't want to do that. At least if I slept and I might wake up with a bit of calmness about the situation, even though I've really doubted that. Nothing was going to calm me about the situation. Nothing was calming about the situation right now. I really was so frustrated with my mother. She had been missing out on several months of rent and it did not matter how much money I kept giving her to cover things that she kept introducing every single time she did not want to pay the rent and I had no idea what was wrong with her.
She had always been this way and I really hated it. She had always been a mother that was really concerning, and every single time that I thought about my childhood and how she had basically would my entire life, I really tried my hardest not to absolutely despise her because she was basically all I had. The only thing that I had, the only person that at least I knew I could rely on. Well, not for me, but at least I knew that if I was in need of help, she really would not desert me, or at least I hoped.
I had never been in a dire situation where I actually needed her help, but I wanted to assume that she would help me. After she drove away all of our family with her behaviour. She was the only person that I hired. The only time I remember having a good life was when she had her last marriage. The last marriage before she totally turned into a whole wreck after she wrecked that marriage as well through cheating and stealing money from him and just doing things that nobody should be doing in a marriage that they want to last. I did not want to be anything like her when I grow up and I was trying my hardest not to learn any of her behaviors. I hate it even just thinking about it.
“Well, are you going to tell me what is going on or not to ask me?” And I just shrugged my shoulders before I spit out those words, those words that I was very much dreadful of. But they had to come out and I had to make sure that I let her know what is actually happening because it was really not going to go well either way. I'm not going to be happy news at the end of the day. So I just had to spill out right now and make sure that she absolutely
understands that there won't be any money coming in. So if she was going to be able to make a plan, then she had to do it right now. Instead of being the only person that has a plan, the only person that has a job that can bring in someone into the house. Even though she's a lot older than me and has a lot more job experiences, she had been entirely useless in our household.
“ I didn't do it mom, he was not satisfied with me and he's not going to pay.” I say to her and immediately she drops that bottle and it smashes all over the floor, glasses getting scattered all across the room.
“What did you say?” She asks me and I just look away from her. I don't want to see that anger in her eyes and I just know it's going to be there and I can really see it building every single time. I massage the courage to lift my head and look at her.
“ I asked you a question, what did you just say right now? Say it again.” She says to me and I finally get the courage to lift my head and look at her straight in the eyes. As I said, I don't want her to think that I'm joking at all so I have to do it. I have to be able to look at her as I say it
. “I am telling you the truth mother, He is not going to be paying because I could not be the person that he wanted me to be”. I say to her and she just clapped her hand loudly before looking around like she's absolutely in shock. I have no idea why she's in shock because it had to be cleared her from the very weekend and when she set me up for this that I was not cut out for it and right now that I was failing to do it very perfectly. She was I really acting like I was doing something bizarre. It was not bizarre at all for me. I had never been one to be going around to losing people.
She was very much built for that and I don't know if she expected me to be learning it from her or just doing things that I still are doing over the years, but I was not capable of doing it. There was a last thing I wanted to be doing. If anything I was making sure that I would be the exact opposite of my mother. I didn't want to raise a child though that she had raised me. So I was doing my hardest to do anything that I had and be bad at everything that she's good at because everything that she's good at is very bad.
“Are you absolutely crazy you stupid little child? Do you know that Bill's going to be here soon? I already told you that you're not sane enough. What do you think is going to happen if he actually is going to kick us out this time?” She says to me and I just shrug my shoulders.
“Well you should have paid the rent with the money that I gave you yesterday” . I say to her and she just laughs at me. How annoying!