Hidden Layers

'When the server loses the game’ **Child Abuse Trigger** The past two-weeks has been crazy training for the WTA finals in Singapore, after finishing the Japan tournament in third place and Amour in first place then having the craziest private birthday party that night. Amour definitely deserved winning, she works like a maniac and was a natural at it and I was going to miss our sisterly bond during professional tournaments-I still can’t believe she retired at barely twenty-eight. I was bone tired and I have a match in two days, I was definitely taking tomorrow off, I would have enjoyed some s****l healing but I did not want my girlfriend Karen here that would lead to my face on different news outlets all over the news and I did not want any distractions. I pick up my MacBook which automatically connects to the speakers and start playing my 16-year-old playlist which I have updated over the years; it was Ace’s and I’s 2002 valentine mix. This playlist is my relaxing therapy with loads of happy memories, sometimes I wonder what might have happened to Ace and I; would we be married by now? He was always so advanced in years, in his thoughts and plans, he was so matured, loving and gentle, he always wanted to get married by twenty-five, travel the world with me for three years before thinking of having a child-he wanted just one.  He had natural sparks in his eyes but the one he has when he looked at me was indefinable, he was my angel, my protector and the person that gave my life a meaning. I hate that I have to think about him in past tense but the last words to me has been what has kept me going, sometimes I wonder if he knew he was going to die at such a young age. ‘Zee, you have all the power to make yourself happy even if I am not there’ he pecks me ‘what if something happens and I cannot be there for you always’ ‘You will always be there’ I hugged him ‘I hope so but promise me you will live life to the fullest, just like the party you throw every month to celebrate since Anthony’s death’ People wondered how I moved on after my inseparable best friend died tragically, maybe I haven’t moved on, maybe I handled it the way my brain led me to. Anthony was a terrible memory that tries to cast an evil shadow on my happiness for the past 16 years, I still find it hard to sleep alone, Anthony was my dad’s cousin and his presence in my family was a nightmare to me. I was eleven when my dad invited him to live with us while he helps him with the farm at the other end of our property. I remember my nanny politely telling dad that she was not comfortable with a man staying in a house where a young girl was living and my dad brushed it off. I don’t know what happened but my nanny of over four years left 3 months after Anthony came and I knew Anthony had something to do with it, mum employed someone that could cook and clean but not a live-in employee. Then the abuse started when I turned twelve, I knew my uncle had a weird way of looking at me and it always made me weary of him. Mum was a high-profile lawyer, she was a big shot in the Justice department and had lots of politicians turning to her for her services, she worked till late nights and left early and dad was just never there. In my mid-teens I came to realise mum used work and networking to get over the hurt of dad’s long chain of infidelities though she ensures she stays home on Sundays. I poured myself a glass of whiskey and was really thinking of watching one of my videos with Justin and Karen-yes, I loved threesomes and Justin has been the only one that has been tested and trusted to be discrete. Once the WTA finals start in two days, the s****l tension will ease off because I will mentally be all about winning. An empty street by Westlife starts playing, I smile at the sweet memories of Ace and I staying under the stars almost every night. We were Thirteen when we met, Ace was just 6 weeks and some few days older than me. We met at the community sport centre, I practically wandered there two days after Anthony had s*x with me at Thirteen. Anthony has been coming to my room since I was twelve and made it clear my parents will never believe me if I tell them what he was up to. He will ask me to strip naked, pour alcohol on my p***y and suck it for a while, then he will pull off his shorts and start stroking himself before he stands over me and pump himself up and down till he comes all over me, then he will carry me to the bathroom and shower for me, clean me up and bring me back to the bed, he ensures he sits beside me till I sleep. The very first day he entered my room he asked if my friends had boyfriends and truthfully, they did but that was not my priority I was a straight A student and I did not want any distraction, I never even drooled over boys. He moved on to say he will be my secret boyfriend and show me what my friends enjoyed-that was how it started. I knew it was wrong but then I knew no one would believe me, but he did everything for me and my parents just thought he was a cool uncle spoiling me. That particular s****l abuse routine lasted till my thirteenth birthday, my parents travelled two days from each other before my birthday and I was home alone with my ‘uncle’. My boobs were already developing and he had already started touching them since he noticed, he made me wear a two-piece bikini he bought and he was naked while we swam together. He carried me in when he noticed I was getting cold, this time he took me to his room and I knew something was going to change, 3 months prior to my birthday he started making me watch porn for paedophiles with him once in a while-after this night I realized watching porn was my visual initiation to s*x. He was preparing me for this night, he was a calculative, manipulative bastard, his room smelt so nice and he had candle lights all around, this time he striped me naked, he sucked me without alcohol, teased me all over then he put a lube on his d**k and put the side of his arm in my mouth and asked me to bite on it if I feel pain, he entered slowly at first and in a twinkle drove in fast and I bit down hard on his skin as he muttered ‘f**k’ from the pain. He started moving after a little while, it was horrible and I cried all night, I was just a f*****g child and I wish he was dead over and over. The monster let me rest for 48 hours while he pampered me, I did not answer any of my parents call during those two days and I felt it should be a sign that I needed help because I always spoke with them even when I was sick. I called the emergency line close to the end of that 48 hours and before I could say anything, he dragged the phone and hung up. ‘If you ever dial that number again, I will kill your mum’ I watched him walk up the stairs and I sneaked out and walked to the community sport centre, Ace was playing alone and I kept watching, he stopped after a while and walked up to me. He noticed I had been crying and brought out a handkerchief from his pocket, I wiped my tears and hand it back to him. ‘No, you might need it later’ I gave him a blank look ‘I really hope you don’t need it for tears though’ Before we could continue our conversation which I was not in the mood for, Anthony parked and he almost broke Ace’s leg with his truck. Ace sure gave him a piece of his mind Anthony just ignored, he carried me to the car while Ace shouted ‘You can’t just carry her, I am calling the police’ ‘Don’t sweat it, I am her uncle, you can take down the plate number’ I stood up and walked to the balcony taking in the view of Singapore, thinking back at how the s****l abuse intensified after that, tying me to the bed, all forms of s****l styles. He owned me mentally and my grades dropped, I don’t know how but he did own me, Ace tried and failed to be my fried for the next six months but Anthony’s shadow was always lurking. At this point, I was always in my room and my Dad thought it was a good idea to find a sport so I can have friends because I was the only child and he felt it would help me be sociable, I just sat at the sport centre and did nothing but dread coming home. Also, dad warned Anthony to let me find my way that he was spoiling me and sheltering me from the outside world too much, then it became easy when dad acquired another farm because the first one was booming and gave Anthony 50 percent share of the two farms. Anthony was busier but the abuse did not stop, in fact it became rougher and the worst part was I began to feel pleasure and I really wish I didn’t. After two weeks of just watching and ignoring Ace at the sports centre, he walked up to me and said ‘Try playing tennis, if you hate it, ignore me forever’ I asked him why tennis and he said ‘It will make you forget your worries’. He saw through my tough front and he called it, I followed him to the tennis court slowly and all the girls where stealing glances at him to which he practically ignored. He spoke with the coach and she just asked me to watch those playing and I can do what they did when it gets to my turn. The coach was blown away at my strength and pace, more like I had something inside I was venting out. When we finished practice, Ace was waiting for me and by the time we got to the park, his mum was waiting for him, she was the sweetest, gave us candy bars and dropped me at home. Anthony was just stepping out of the shower when I got in, he followed me to the bathroom and f****d my brains out but something happened that day, I did not feel anything anymore, no pain, no pleasure just a medium for his pleasure. Tennis and the friendship with Ace made me popular, bolder, I got Ace to get me someone to change the locks to my room and Anthony did not notice until late at night. Mum was home in fact she was constantly at the study near my room for the next two weeks so he could not break the door or do anything funny. The problem was after 7 days I started craving for s*x, I have had s*x one form or the other everyday for close to two years, I did not know what to do. I went to Ace’s house on the eight day which was a Saturday, I went to his room and locked the door then I stripped naked, he could not shout but he had a confused look. ‘What are you doing Zee? you can’t be naked in front of me, this is so wrong, I am a boy at least not till we are 18’ He stood up and covered me with a hoodie and made me sit on the bed ‘My uncle makes me get naked and does things to me, so its not wrong’ ‘It is wrong Zee’ ‘But I need it’ ‘Is that why you changed your locks?’ For the first after my thirteenth birthday, I cried and he hugged me so tight, went to get me ice-cream, made me go to the bathroom to shower, I wore my dress back and we walked to the sports centre. ‘I think we should tell my mum, she is a gynaecologist, maybe she can help’ ‘No scandal Ace, just get me through it’ Every wealthy kid knew what a scandal was, my mum travelled few days after that and the following days where crazy, Anthony threatened to kill Ace, added pain to the s*x, started making me suck him, it was a mess and I couldn’t tell Ace but he noticed something was wrong with all my charade and hyperactivity. He asked me continuously and I said nothing was wrong, I left school early one day because I had a stomach bug, Anthony let me be that night but he came in the morning for the dose he missed the night before, Ace walked in just as he was about to reach his climax and hit him with a baseball bat on his neck-he came prepared. I have never seen anyone stand up that fast, he punched Ace in the face and I was scared something broke. ‘My dad is outside; you are so going to jail’ That stopped him ‘If you dare touch her again or if you try to hurt me, my parents will read my dairy when I die and know it’s you’. Anthony really messed with me, he f****d me up sexually, he screwed commitment for me topped with my parent’s infidelity. Ace fixed me emotionally and socially, we discovered our sexuality together, he was so pure, patient, the kindest human, knew what to say to soothe me, he was my therapist, he encouraged me to be a bad ass at tennis which was and still is therapeutic for me. He introduced me to Amour, his sister and his heart, who is now my best friend and sister. All I have now that matters to me was Amour, tennis and s*x and I don’t see anything coming afterwards, I was not capable of committing to anything else the way I am committed to these three. My phone rings and its Karen, a smile creeped on my face, I loved what we shared, we enjoyed adventures and the s*x was great and we were committed to each other, Justin was just a spice we needed but I have a feeling it was becoming more for Karen. I don’t even know what I feel for her but we are still together which means I liked her so f*****g much because it was always easy for me to get tired and walk away from relationships. K: ‘Hey Baby’ Z: ‘Hey, saw your good luck messages this morning, had a crazy day’ K: ‘I think you should open the door’ Z: ‘What the f**k Karen’ I can’t believe she was here, I was naked, I walked to the door and opened it, I stood at the back of the door as she walked in. She was always so graceful and classy; she had just an overnight bag and I knew she was not staying long; it was a stop over to her next movie location which works for me. I turned back as she dropped her bag taking me in, she strips slowing and man I want her so bad. ‘I need to take a shower, I am so sticky from my trip, you think you can help me scrub my back?’ I gave her a sexy grin, walked up to her, held her hand and led her to the bathroom, dang what follows was the best s*x in a long time.