Real Life

As I sit cross legged on my grandmother's living room couch watching as my three sons sleep peaceful tears fall down my face. Where did it all go wrong? I think to myself, it's hard to know if it was ever even right if I am being honest with myself 30 years old, no job, no husband, and three boys to raise apparently on my own because their father cannot be counted on I just feel lost and alone in this life. My mother warned me too many times that it would end this way but did I listen? No my know it all teenage self thought she had it all figured out thought this was going to end with a white picket fence and a family and now it's ending with me filing for divorce because my so called husband of 8 years just admitted to my face that he basically had been cheating on me this entire time pretty much with anything that could breathe, go figure. When I think back there were so many red flags, so many moments that I should have left him but I either bought into his crap excuses or accepted half assed apologies with no changed behavior. I guess I could chalk it up to being young and dumb but I spent half my life I continued to stay with him. I believed him and trusted him and at some point I chose to ignore those red flags and believe the lies to be blind to what I didn't want to see I wanted a family so badly, divorce couldn't be in my future not when two people love each other so much unfortunately it was just me loving him so much because if roles were reversed I doubt he would have given me a second chance let alone a million and one. I guess to really understand the story you have to go back to the beginning and the beginning was a long time ago.