You Wouldn't Dare

CHAPTER 18 - KHAOS

DAY ONE 

Day One I was fine. I refused to let myself think of Violet. Instead, I pretended I

was away for the night on pack business and not about to be rejected by my

mate. It wasn’t the healthiest approach; I knew that. But I was living in denial,

too scared to contemplate not only a future without Violet, but a future

completely alone.

Without her, there were no more shots. I would not contemplate taking

another mate. My first and only choice mating with Louisa had been such a

disaster. I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

Besides, now that I had come to realise exactly what a mating bond

meant, the feelings it could provoke in a wolf, anything else would pale in

comparison.

If I were completely honest, anyone else would pale in comparison to

Violet.

She was beautiful, feisty, opinionated. She challenged me, made me see

things in a different light. Above all else, she was funny. She brought a lightness

to my life that I had never experienced. I could be myself around her. She didn’t

judge or look at me any differently now that she knew all about my past. She just

accepted me in her calm, sweet way.

A couple of the warriors had attempted to talk to me about Violet on the

way to our destination and I had laughed them off, telling them I didn’t “catch

feelings”.

I was running away, and I f*****g knew it. Damn it, I had taken deadly

warriors with me for a reason, yet all they wanted to do was talk about our

feelings and other mushy s**t?

It had even reached the point where I had growled at them, threatening

them with exile if they dared to mention Violet’s name again.

How did you even begin to explain your feelings when you didn’t

completely understand them yourself?

I didn’t realise it, but that one action was more revealing than if I had

declared my love for her in front of them all.

It hadn’t gotten off to the best start when I arrived at my friend’s pack. I had

known Duke as long as I could remember. I had found his pack during those

dark days after Drake had torn away my innocence. Before I found Morgan’s family.

Duke’s dad had been the Alpha then, and he had allowed me to stay

awhile, building up my strength before I left to find my place in the world.

One of Duke’s Omegas who greeted us at the packhouse had smelled

Violet on my skin. I hadn’t washed, not wanting to risk the last of her scent

being removed from my body. It humiliated me that this low-ranking woman,

who should have known better, dared to ask me if Violet was my mate.

Apparently, my so-called friend, the Alpha, had been talking about me.

I lost it.

I smashed my fist into the wall, throwing my weight around in a way I

swore I would never do.

Someone, I don’t know who, tried to stop me and that’s when my

warriors joined in, protecting me as I had trained them to do.

It took Alpha Duke, a bunch of warriors, and a lot of unnecessary

bloodshed to put an end to it.

Once things calmed down. I laughed with Duke about how I hadn’t

changed, agreeing that I was still the hot-headed wolf from my youth. I didn’t

tell him much about Violet, other than she was “thinking things through”. I

didn’t reveal the extent of my feelings for her, and I played down the

relationship we had built.

Duke tried to get me to talk more deeply, bringing up his own mate,

Grace. They were having issues of their own, but I shrugged him off, feigning

tiredness, and went to find an outlet for my anger. I trained with his warriors,

knocking them down one at a time as they all failed to match up to my strength

and agility.

I came across Duke’s father, Stephen, and he laughed at my appearance,

told me I was spending one too many late nights in a woman’s bed. Sexist

through and through, I did my best to avoid engaging in any further conversation

with him, hoping he had enough sense to leave me alone. I wasn’t here for a

social visit.

It was all I could do not to punch him later that evening as he gave me a

sly smirk and brought forward one of his companions.

“She’s the best of the best,” he had told me. I had gritted my teeth and

turned him down. I had no interest in the pack w***e, or anyone else for that

matter.

I went to bed and thought of my blonde-haired Angel and pretended she

would share my bed again in no time.

Deluded as always, Khaos, was my last thought before I drifted off into a

restless sleep. 

DAY TWO 

Day two was when I began to miss her. When reality set in and wouldn’t let me

play my pretending games anymore.

My wolf had mentally kicked me many times throughout the night,

warning me he would never speak to me again if I didn’t at least attempt to put

this right.

He mocked me for downplaying my feelings for Violet. He told me it

wasn’t manly to pretend that I didn’t care and wasn’t capable of love.

I wasn’t pretending.

Love just wasn’t made for some people.

Just as the Moon Goddess had seen something inside Ryssa and Drake,

never permitting them to have children of their own, she had seen something in

me that was unworthy of love.

I would never be able to give Violet what she wanted, and as a result, she

would never be able to love me in the way mates were supposed to.

Still, I wanted to call her. I wanted to demand that she return to my side

and never leave again. I wanted us to swear that we would always be together,

that we would fight the devil himself if it meant that we could create more

memories together. That we could create a life together.

I picked up the phone, ready to promise her the world. That I could and

would change for her. That I would be better.

Then I saw the scar on my wrist, courtesy of Drake and his fellow rapists.

I hung up the phone before she could answer.

Despite what my wolf insisted, I wasn’t capable of change.

DAY THREE

Day three, the depression sank in. I spent a lot of time in my room, thinking of

all my past actions, of the people I had hurt.

I remembered Violet’s words to me – someday somebody stronger would

come along and defeat me if I carried on the way I was.

Who knew that the somebody would be her?

Without even trying, she had done what so many before her had tried to

do.

She had defeated me.

I was broken in a way I hadn’t even realised a man could be broken.

It was as though the other half to my soul was with her. I could feel her

pain and sense her suffering. I wanted desperately to go to her and make things

right. I didn’t regret the way I chose to live my life, my determination to find

my birth parents, but I regretted that I had dragged innocent people into it.

Violet had been right. I didn’t need to attack so violently every time I had

a new lead. There were other ways I could go about things, different ways that I

could gather information.

But what were they?

All my life I had been raised on the concept of being the strongest wolf

in the room. If you weren’t, you left yourself open to attack, and you had no one

to blame but yourself. A wolf’s reputation played a huge part in that. If they

were feared, they were less likely to have an attack sprung on them.

If they were weak, they were used and discarded.

I knew that only too well.

I skipped dinner on day three. If I had to watch Duke as he stared at

Grace with love-sick eyes or refuse another offer from Stephen, I would lose it.

Besides, I was too sick to even attempt eating, especially after I had

spoken to Jasmine and I knew how much Violet was hurting. I had sensed her

pain, but hearing from someone else, someone who was having to help Violet

through it, someone that wasn’t me, had me lashing out in defence. Jasmine had

pleaded with me to come home and I had roared at her, telling her to stop

bothering me. That Violet wasn’t my problem anymore. She hung up, openly

crying, and cursing my name.

After all I had thought about that day, the way I had reflected on my

behaviour and the ways I could change, I blew it at the first opportunity.

I wasn’t capable of change. I knew that now.

DAY FOUR 

Day four was the day I smashed up Duke’s packhouse. He ordered all women

and children to the safe room as I tore through the building, breaking everything

in my path. My wolf strained to be free, but I held him back, knowing there

would be no stopping him once he was out. He would run back to Violet and

either mate with her or kill her. He wouldn’t let anyone else have her if we

couldn’t.

I knew it was wrong, that it wasn’t the fault of any member in this pack I

was hurting this way, but I refused to see reason.

Years of suppressed emotion had finally burst free. I had been unloading

onto Violet in slow, steady drips but without her here and with no way to stop

the flow, the dam burst. In hindsight, my life, my decisions, had moved too

quick.

I hadn’t taken the time to process what had happened to me before I started my pack and pushed my wants and needs to the back of my mind as I

made their happiness and safety my priority.

Violet had been my release. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had

been clinging to a shred of hope that this was just a blip. I was being arrogant,

but I didn’t genuinely believe she would leave me forever.

Then I had spoken to Jasmine again.

Violet was happy, she was praying in the Moon Goddess’ garden and for

some reason, this angered me. She had given me four days before deciding to

move on with her life. Even Louisa had given me longer than four days. I really

was pathetic.

So, I gave in to the emotions that were surfacing, and poor Duke was

paying the price.

He stood aside as he watched me destroy his pride and joy, neither him

nor his warriors daring to stop me.

I got to his office and saw the beautiful face of his mate and came to my

senses. She didn’t deserve this. None of them did.

For the first time since I left Drake, I sank to my knees and cried like a

baby, hearing the Alpha order everyone away as he quietly closed the door,

respecting my grief.

It wasn’t long later when Duke’s mate came to visit me, bringing me

warm food as she asked how I was doing.

I looked at her. Really looked at her.

I saw what she was desperately trying to hide. That feeling of shame that

never quite left us, even though we knew it wasn’t our fault. She had

experienced some of the same things I had and it was for that reason that I

permitted her to stay, listening as she told me I shouldn’t hide my feelings, that

honesty was always the best policy.

“Have you been completely honest with Duke? Does he know what

happened to you?” I asked, startling her.

“He knows… some of it.”

I scoffed, turning away from her, “he doesn’t know then.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“It never is.”

“Khaos--”

“No, Grace, just stop. I know what you’re trying to do and just stop,

okay? Don’t preach to me about the truth when you’re hiding from your mate

just as much as I am. Worse, you’re hiding in plain sight. Violet knows

everything there is to know about me, but can you say the same for Duke? I

might have run away, but it wasn’t for lack of trying. You’re not even going to give Duke the opportunity to accept what happened to you. You’re living a lie.”

She went to leave me then, opening the door without another word, and

that pissed me off. I felt as though she was dismissing me, and so before I could

help myself, I called out to her, “you know people like you and I can never

change. What happened to us? It broke us. We can’t be fixed. Not by a pack, not

by our mate, and certainly not with happy f*****g endings. There are no happy

endings for people like us, and deep down you know it.”

She closed the door.

I was an arsehole.

DAY FIVE

Day five I went through the normal motions. I hid behind my mask as I helped

repair the damage I had caused and made my apologies.

I dealt with rebuilds, painting, decorating. I played with the pups and

smiled at the she-wolves. I would forget Violet. No matter what.

I had responsibilities. People relying on me. I couldn’t wallow in self-

pity forever. I was never the type of man to wallow in self-pity, and I wasn’t

about to start now.

I joined in the nights’ festivities, revelling in the attention of the young

Omega who rubbed her body seductively against mine. I went back to her room

and shoved her against the door.

She wrapped her legs around my waist, whispering her dirty words in my

ear.

With a blonde-haired angel in my mind, I nibbled on her collarbone and

pushed my hand up her skirt, seeking out the damp patch in her panties, already

hard at the thought of how easy it was for me to get her wet.

She threw her head back and moaned my name, her face coming into

focus.

Shit.

I pushed her away, muttering my apologies as I left the room.

She wasn’t Violet and I was kidding myself thinking I could get over her.

Like it or not, I was head over heels in love.

And I had just royally f****d up.

DAY SIX

Day six I tried to avoid everyone around me, especially the she-wolf from last

night. I didn’t dare stay in my room in case she came to look for me, so I took

the coward’s way out, remaining in the training grounds with the warriors.

Day six was the day that I got the excited shout from Grace that my phone was ringing. I knew who it was, just as she did.

Violet was finally calling me.

Like the ridiculous love-sick wolf I was, I ran to the bedroom the minute

I heard, praying to the Moon Goddess that she wouldn’t hang up before I had the

chance to answer. Grace grinned as she handed the phone to me, assuring me

that Violet was still there and that she sounded eager to speak to me.

Thank the Goddess!

“Hello?”

“Hey. It’s me…”