You are Enough

Chapter 11

After our stupid conversation, I made my way to my room to get things ready for work tomorrow. I figured why not shower tonight so I can sleep in a little tomorrow. It's the little things in life that help big situations. I might think of getting my hair trimmed because I have let it grow past my waist. After showering, I braid my hair so it is more manageable in the morning. I prepared myself for bed and I heard a soft cry of mama coming from the kid's room. After checking on them and getting Holden back to sleep, I put myself to bed for the night. As I start to fall asleep, I am wondering what kind of game Dylan is playing with this new woman in his life. Kathleen, you are worthless. This is why I keep cheating on you. You are nothing compared to the women I get with. He's inches from my face now, shaking a fist, making me think he will hit me. No, he punches the wall right next to my head. Eyes down, Kathleen, when I try to look him in the face. You stupid woman! I can't believe that I married you. You mean nothing to me. Why do I do this to myself, I ask? I don't voice my thoughts because that just means more pain for me. You are nothing but a w***e. It is the same thing he always says to me to make me hate myself and boy do I. I wish day after day after day that I was anywhere but here dealing with his anger. Everything is always my fault. He messes up at work. It is my fault. The apartment isn't completely up to his standards, my fault. No matter what I do, it's never enough. I wake up at 4:30 every day to cook for him and make sure his uniform is perfect and take care of all the chores he leaves for me on top of growing two little humans. Like I said never enough. Now, don't get me wrong. I have a temper, but it only comes out when I feel like he is threatening my kids. He acts like I am a burden to him being pregnant. I can't wait for the day that I am strong enough and believe in myself enough to leave him for good. Can I make it though without a high school education? Where will I work? Who will work with me when the kids are born? Are you even listening to me, Kathleen? Yes, Dylan, I always listen. That's a lie because I wouldn't be mad at you all the time if you did. What do you want from me, Dylan? That earns me a slap on the back of the head. God you are so stupid, Kathleen.

I will never understand why I married you in the first place. What did I ever see in you? The things he says to me have me believing him. I worry that I'm not good enough. That I won't make a good mother to my twins. What if no other man wants me? What if I am gaining too much weight? These are things that go through my head all the time. Things will get better, I know they will. They have to. I wake as my alarm blares to life. Man, I don't feel like I slept at all. I hit the off button on my alarm and get myself ready for the day. Then I go and wake the kids and get them ready. Down the stairs we go to make some breakfast. After breakfast, I sent a quick text to Scott telling him that I hoped he had a great day and we were off. All the way to the sitter's Holden rambles on about something or other. You know how kids are. They talk about anything and everything. Their little minds go a million miles an hour. I park the car and let the kids out them leading me to the door, of course. Tina answers after Harper knocks a few times. Holden always knows what she wants and needs, even at this young age. He's very in tune with her. It is crazy to watch sometimes. I think it is a twin thing. After saying a quick hello to Tina and giving loves to the kids, I headed to work. Upon arriving at work, I have time to get a few things stocked for the morning shift. They asked me to come in early since I needed Saturday off for the kid's birthday party. I busy myself cleaning and prepping for the day. Before I know it it is time to open the doors and be ready for the morning rush. Before customers show my coworkers show up. You have Lewis our dishwasher, Karen and Sarah our other waitresses, Louis our cook and Marvin our prep cook. They all come in around the same time as I do. We have to be ready for our big crowds. We open the doors and we are ready to go. The breakfast shift flies by with only a few spills. We get everything ready for lunch knowing it is just as busy as breakfast will be. At 2 my shift is over but I want to make sure everything is stocked up well for the next shift. I always believe if you make sure everything is stocked and ready to go it is a lot easier for everyone involved. I still have several hours before my shift ends and Carol comes in for the pay roll to be done. Carol is a very good boss. She helps out when and where she can not like some bosses who pretty much make you figure it out. All is good until a group of guys came in that I went to school with. Hi, how many are in your party? Five, there will be five of us today Kathleen. I quickly get them seated and bring out their drink orders. Kat, yes how can I help you today? When are you ever going to give me your number? Well, Scooter, I don't have time with my twins and all. You know this. Every time they come in one or more of them have to hit on me. I take their orders and in fifteen minutes their food is ready. After that I get everything going and running smoothly until 2 pm when my shift is over. I quickly changed and headed to the Lodge to clean before getting the kids. The next few days go by in a blur. Finally, it is the day of the party and everyone shows up. Of course, my dad has something to say about Harper's weight and how she's getting chunky. I'm instantly thrown into a flashback of my dad calling me fat or saying this boyfriend or that one needs to lay off the sweets for me because I am getting large. You see all of my life I have dealt with some type of abuse or another. My father did the best he could at a young age but he didn't do the best by us. We were mentally, physically and emotionally abused by him yet he doesn't think he was as bad as we all say. Pulled from my memory I turn to my father and say, that is not something you are going to do to my daughter like you did me. I have body issues now because of you and Dylan. Well now Kat, the things you say didn't always happen. You know what dad, the next time you want to say something about my children or pretty much call me a liar how about you keep your mouth shut.