Absolute Silence

30

The death blow. The threat of an early grave and a lifetime of guilt. I heaved out an exhausted sigh. “Don’t talk like that, Ma. You’re not even sixty yet.” “You never know what could happen.” “Okay, I hear you, and I’ll do my best.” “That’s my girl.” So much pride. I just wished it wasn’t conditional. A fissure of pain lanced through my chest. “All right, Ma. I gotta go.” If she truly listened, she would have heard the discordant strains of heartbreak in my voice. “Love you, Cam. See you soon.” “Love you, too.” I hung up and sat for long minutes in the vacuous silence of my apartment. Such a stark contrast to the cacophonous voices in my head. So many people wanting me to fall in line with their expectations. To dance like a puppet in their narratives without any consideration for my needs. I circled back to my question from moments before. What if I didn’t allow myself to care what others desired from me? What if I focused on meeting my own needs and put myself first? In a way, we were taught as women that such a mindset was selfish. Was it, though? Who said I couldn’t be the captain of my own ship? A whisper of energy trickled through my veins at the prospect of such empowerment. Could the answer be so simple? I loved what I found at the club, but so many complications had arisen. Filip demanded so much more than I’d expected to give. I’d seen the look in his eyes. He wouldn’t give up his fight to uncover answers to his questions. My past was never a part of our bargain, and he had no right to change the terms of our agreement. I didn’t have to give him anything if I didn’t want to. I could chalk up my experience at the Den to the learning process and try one of the other clubs on my list. Maybe I’d find the perfect atmosphere for personal enlightenment, growth, and discovery at the Omega. It had been the next club I planned to visit if the Den hadn’t panned out. What was stopping me from at least checking out my options? Me. I was the only obstacle to my own happiness. Just the thought of walking away from Filip and the Den gave my body a sense of weightlessness. The prospect of escape was intoxicating. Deep down, I knew avoidance would come at a cost, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. The immediate sense of relief was too great to ignore. It was decided. I would call and set up a meeting for tonight, if possible. No more wallowing. No more stalling. If I didn’t want to give Filip more of myself, I didn’t have to. It was time to take the reins and chart my course. There was no shame in abandoning one path and branching out on a new one. I would see what the Omega might offer, then let Filip know our experiment was over. Five hours later, I was crossing the threshold at the Omega after submitting the paperwork and setting up a visit. I was anxious, but nothing like I’d been that first night at the Den. Having a general idea of what I would encounter gave me a good deal of comfort. The Omega was located on the top floors of a high-rise building. When the elevator doors opened, I found an ultra-modern lobby all in white with a built-in fireplace burning orange flames over turquoise glass shards. The feel was elegant, if not a bit cold despite the fire. “You must be Camilla,” said a man stationed in the lobby. He was older, perhaps close to fifty, but still handsome in a professor sort of way. “Yes.” I smiled and reached for his offered hand. “I’m Niall. It’s lovely to meet you.” “Thank you. I’m pleased to be here.” He pressed his palms together and grimaced. “About that, I’m afraid there’s been a change of plans.” “What? I just set this up earlier today.” “Indeed, but we didn’t realize who you were at the time.” Wariness twined with annoyance to stiffen my spine. “And who exactly is it that you think I am?” “You’re Filip De Luca’s woman, and we’d be in a great deal of trouble if we let you step foot in our establishment. I apologize for the confusion, but you’ll have to leave.” He lifted his hand and gestured to the elevator. I’d been blacklisted. Venomous talons of rage clawed beneath my skin. Scathing accusations danced on my tongue, but Niall didn’t deserve my wrath. I excused myself politely, pulling out my phone the second I was back in the elevator. Me: Meet me at the club in ten. I wasn’t crazy about hashing out my grievance in public, but I didn’t know where else to do it. I had no idea where he lived, and I certainly wasn’t inviting him to my place. The club would have to do because I needed to have words with him. Now. I threw my phone back in my clutch handbag, uninterested in his reply. If he was busy, too bad. He could damn well make the time to talk to me. It was the least he could do. I couldn’t believe he’d clipped my wings and prevented me from joining Omega. Had he executed similar warnings at the other clubs in town? Undoubtedly. That bastard. Just when I started to regain control of my life, he went and swept the rug out from under me. I was livid. Filip had stolen my escape plan. If I wanted to have access to a club, he was my only option. The thought of giving up on my exploration when it had only just begun was a hammer straight to my gut. I desperately wanted more of what I’d experienced at the club, but not if it resulted in the extortion of my secrets. Filip would pry each of my ugly truths from my clenched and bloodied fists. He held all the cards, and it made me furious.