Absolute Silence

31

The Uber ride to the club felt like an eternity. I envisioned countless renditions of what I wanted to say. Argued points and spat accusations. I gathered the courage to stand up for myself as I never had before. When I stepped from the car in front of the Den, my heart began to stampede in my chest. My palms tingled from adrenaline, and my tongue was sticky against the roof of my mouth. I didn’t let any of it deter me. Filip must not have been far when I sent my text. He stood inside the lobby when I wrenched open the door, waiting coolly with his shoulder propped against the wall. He quickly took in my fierce expression and stretched to his full height. “We need to talk. Privately,” I told him. He nodded and motioned to the elevator. When his hand grazed my lower back, I stiffened. His touch was too seductive to be allowed. Not when I had more pressing matters to delve into. I would not allow lust to break down my resolve. Nothing would come between me and what I had to say. I charged past the main room, not taking notice of the activities within. I had one purpose, one directive, and I wasn’t interested in distractions. When the door to his room closed behind us, a swell of words and emotions wedged a knot in my throat. I wasn’t the crying type. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d shed a tear, yet my nose began to sting with the telltale signs. I took a deep, steadying breath before meeting Filip’s wary gaze. “How dare you blacklist me from another club.” My words were unsteady but still laced with venom. “You had no right.” His eyes narrowed to angry slits. “You went to another club without even trying to talk through this with me first?” “I don’t owe you anything. If I want to join another club, that’s my choice. My life.” I jabbed a finger at my chest, my voice growing stronger. “I was trying to keep you safe, Camilla.” “You were trying to control me!” I shouted back. Filip charged, pinning me against the wall. His shallow breaths came unevenly through parted lips. The jagged flint in his eyes sparked as his gaze bore relentlessly deep into my soul. “I’ve always been perfectly honest with you about my need for control. I never pretended to be a saint, and I certainly didn’t give you the impression I was some kind of f*****g Boy Scout. I do whatever is needed to protect what I value. My family. My home. You. Not to mention the fact that we made an agreement, and under the terms of our agreement, every inch of this body is mine. I’m not letting another man anywhere near you.” “You don’t own me,” I hissed back, shoving my hands hard against his chest. Filip clamped his hands around my wrists and subdued my assault with ease. “No, I don’t own you, but I do have a responsibility to protect you. You won’t always like my methods, but at least I know I’ve done my job.” “It was a simple arrangement! It wasn’t like we signed in blood or something, which was evident since you’ve changed the terms. And besides, it sounds like this is more about you than me. It’s your duty that’s important to you, your ability to control those around you, and not my actual safety that’s so critical.” His nostrils flared, and I got the sense I’d struck a nerve. He took in three even breaths before delivering a devastating defense. “My mother was killed when I was only five,” he deadpanned in a hollow voice. “I spent the next half a decade being tossed from one relative to the next with zero stability in my life or control over what happened to me. I don’t just have a need for control; I can’t survive without it. When I feel the things that mean the most to me slipping from my control, I become crazed, and I can’t think straight. You, more than anything else, cause me to lose my f*****g mind.” “Filip,” I breathed, overwhelmed by his admission. Hearing the reason behind his domineering behavior cast a new light on the situation but didn’t change how we continued to inadvertently torment one another. “I hate that you went through that, but my life isn’t yours to control. I think we may be hurting each other more than helping.” I tried to explain my perspective with as much compassion as I could. The discord between us was truly neither of our faults. We were doing the best we could. I just wasn’t sure it was enough to overcome the mammoth hurdles between us. “What are you saying?” he rasped. My eyes dropped to his full, biteable lips, and I suddenly became acutely aware of his hardness pressed against my belly. I wanted him with every fiber of my being, but I feared we’d only bring each other heartache. “I love the things we’ve done in this room. I love the way you touch me and the feel of you moving inside me, but the expectations are too much. I’m not sure I can give you what you need.” The muscles in Filip’s jaw flexed and bulged. His lips thinned, and the glint of fire in his eyes smoldered into ash. “So, you want what we have here in this room without commitment or expectation.” Wasn’t that the terms he’d initially set out? Why did it suddenly sound so callous when he said it now? Was that even what I wanted? “I don’t know exactly. I didn’t necessarily have a problem with agreeing to intimate exclusivity during the arrangement,” I conceded. “Then why were you so upset about being denied access to another club? If you were okay being monogamous, you had no reason to be at that club in the first place.” “Because you took away my options. You were going to make me give you everything, and I couldn’t handle that. It may sound weak, but I ran.” “And were you planning to tell me you were leaving?” His question was tinged with the faintest touch of pain. I was hurting him. He’d opened up to me, and I was still hurting him. Would the cycle of injury between us never end? I wanted to throw myself at his feet and beg for his forgiveness, but that would only perpetuate the problem. We were both better off keeping our relationship purely physical, but I wasn’t sure that was even possible. A rogue tear slipped from my lashes and tumbled down my cheek. “I’m so sorry.” My voice was no more than a cracked whisper. I didn’t want him to think of me as broken, yet that was the picture I painted. My heart clenched even more tightly as the realization hit me. Maybe I was just a little more damaged than I’d wanted to admit. “I never meant to hurt you.” His stoic expression never faltered, but he released my hands and coaxed my legs up around his hips.