Stay

Sweet Torture…

The world is brighter than the sun

Now that you're here…

-Sleeping At Last

“Sarah!” Lily rushes to me. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

My back slides down the front door and I sink to the ground. This emotional roller-coaster has me confused and angry. And I don’t even know how to explain how I feel.

“Lil, I’m so tired of his games. I’m so exhausted. I want to scream.”

“What? Whose games? Sarah, you were okay when I last saw you.”

“When we finished the lesson with Arthur, it was cold outside and I had no jacket…” I tell her everything. His authoritative behaviour, the chase, the kiss…

“Lil, my head is spinning from the way he is. Hot and cold… one day he is the prince, the next day he’s the beast. I don’t know how to keep up with him. It’s so fast and so baffling. He has walked me through hell and yet we are no one to each other. He acts jealous and yet he wants to have nothing to do with me. A part of me says that I should not have expected anything from him because he never promised anything. But then I remember the way he talked and behaved. He comes yelling at me and then kisses the life out of me and all of that in ten minutes. Lil. why did he kiss me?

“This is confusing, indeed. I also want to punch him.” She says this with a voice that makes me wish they never meet.

My phone starts ringing. His name flashes on the screen and I silence the call. He calls again. I scream with frustration. Lily grabs the phone. My eyes widen in shock.

“Hello Alexander. My name is Lily, I’m Sarah’s friend. I’m kindly asking you to leave her alone because I hate to see her like this.” Alexander says something. Lily is listening intently. Then she smiles. What?

“Sarah, this is for you.” She gives me the phone. I cannot believe he managed to convince her!

“I’m going to kill you.” I silently mouth to her. Then I take the phone.

“What?” I am beyond impolite but he deserves it.

“Sarah.” His voice comes in a rasp. It is so powerful that shivers run down my spine. “I am sorry.”

“You are not.”

“True.” I shake my head in disbelief. He is impossible! “I’m at the door. Can you open it for a moment? I’m asking you this.” I want to say no. I want to tell him to go to hell, but he has power over me. I hate that so much, yet I get up and open the door.

“Were you here all the time while Lily and I were talking?” I ask sharply.

“Yes.”

“Good. Then you know what an arse you are.”

“I am sorry for how I make you feel. This is all my fault.” I am speechless. “If you agree to go out with me one more time, I promise I will be more understanding and thoughtful.” I hear Lily gasp in the living room. I am going to kill her.

“I will be waiting for you outside. 30 minutes. If you decide to ignore me, then I will disappear from your life.” His thumb caresses my cheek and I melt. Do I have any dignity? I want to punch myself.

He turns and leaves. Lily appears from the living room.

“Totally yes.”

“Shut up, you betrayed me.”

“Sarah, at first I thought he was a bad guy and I wanted him to keep away from you. But he said something so beautiful about you to me, I realized he just needs a chance. Give him one. The last one.”

“What did he say?”

“I won’t tell you now, so it doesn’t influence your decision whether to go to him or not. But I will tell you as soon as you are back.”

It’s almost 10 in the evening. I realize I have 20 minutes to get ready. I shower in a record time and get dressed. Black sneakers, dark blue jeans, a white blouse and a leather jacket. My makeup is minimal and my hair surprisingly submissive. My hair is the only thing today that makes me happy. Thank you, hair.

There are 5 minutes till the time is up. As I descend the stairs, my heartbeat increases. I’m having a hard time to breathe.

His car is still there… I approach it… He gets out of it and comes to me to open the door. It’s still raining, so I get inside quickly. His car smells of him. So good.

He gets inside and looks at me. I avoid his gaze. He tilts my chin slightly and I shiver at his touch.

“I’m sorry the kiss was too harsh. You deserve a more gentle one.” He leans in and kisses my cheek. Sweetly. My knees go numb. “And I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. It’s all because of me. You did nothing wrong.”

“Why are you saying all of this now?”

“I want you back.”

“Why?”

“... As a girlfriend.” My mouth falls open. 

“Do you really think I’m that easy? After everything you have done, you just come here and say this to me? I don’t know if I can trust you enough.”

“I know all of that and you are right. But I am fully committed to gain your trust.”

“I have questions.” I sigh.

He exhales sharply. “Okay. Ask.”

“I have questions from the very beginning.”

“If that’s the cost…”

“Where were you hurrying when you bumped into me?”

He laughs. It’s such a beautiful sound it makes me smile. “I had a business associate to meet but I texted her I wouldn’t be able to make it.” Her?

“Why didn’t you contact me afterwards if you knew my number?”

“I thought it was wrong. I didn’t know if you wanted me to. And you might have been taken…”

“I wasn’t taken.” I say as if reassuring him. I don’t know why I want to reassure him. “Did you have the urge to contact me, at least? Two weeks had passed.”

“I did have the urge. But then, again, I didn’t know if you wanted me to… after my behaviour.”

“Okay. Why didn’t you say ‘hi’ to me when you met me at the lunch bar?”

“I don’t know. When I analyse it now, I think I was too overwhelmed with what I felt at that moment. It was too much and I was frustrated with it. And with you. I’m sorry.” My knowledge of psychology tells me he is too controlling and when things go beyond his control, it makes him anxious. He is afraid he might lose things if he doesn’t control them.

“Why did you contact me on that very day then?”

“Your smile at the bar made me. It assured me you wanted me to contact you. I felt braver.” Alexander? Braver? I am more inclined to believe my smile gave him the feeling I submitted to him. He felt superior again. Interesting…

“How did I make you feel?” I shift in my seat with excitement.

“You were mysterious. Like a new universe to me. I wanted to study you. And, I felt connected to you. As if you knew me and understood me. I had the urge to be closer, so I came to you.” If he can be this sweet, then why does he act that stupid and harsh sometimes?

“Did you have a good time with me in the park?”

“Yes Sarah. An amazing time.”

“Why did you shut off afterwards? What did I do wrong?”

“As I said, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry.” He is dismissing my first question.

“Then why did you turn into an iceberg?”

He laughs again, the tension leaving his face. His shoulders relax. “I… I don’t know.”

“You do. You just cannot tell me.”

“I just don’t know how to explain it to you. Give me time for this one please.”

“Okay. The next question.” I exhale as the question forms inside my head. “9 days Alexander. Why?”

“I thought it was a mistake. All we had was a mistake to me. Before you ask me why, I want to say that the answer is connected with the previous answer which I needed time for.” This is turning harder than I could imagine! What is it that he doesn’t tell me?

“What were you doing during those 9 days?”

“Working. Most of the time. I guess I needed to distract myself with something. I chose working.”

“Distract from what?”

“From the thoughts that I’m being very unfair to you. I realized it but chose to ignore it. Which was a mistake.” Well, you were unfair, indeed.

“What if you decide talking to me now is also a mistake? What if you disappear again?”

“No. You attract me too much to keep away.”

“How come you were close when I left work today?”

“I was always close. Sometimes I would even follow you after your work. That guy - your student, wants you. He also followed you to the bus station twice. Besides today. I don’t like him. At all.” I am in complete dissonance. I had noticed Arthur walking right behind me but I had no idea he was following me. I thought is was a coincidence. And the shock of learning Alexander followed me as well just brings mixed feelings inside me. Both creepy and tingly. I am not able to speak for a while.

“Why did you behave like this today?” I ask him. He holds my gaze for a long time. His expression is unreadable. Then he nervously strokes his chin.

“I was jealous. Okay? I was freaking jealous of you and that guy.” He says this as if he is ashamed of it. He is avoiding my eyes and his face is tense.

All the anger and pain are gone. I feel myself soften towards him in a way indescribable. My inner voice tells me has also been confused and he also couldn’t understand what’s going on between us. But then it was him who messed it up. Maybe he’s feeling guilty for all the damage he has caused to me and him. Or am I to blame? Was I being pushy and demanding? I put my hand on his. He stiffens.

“Alexander, it’s okay. Really. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your emotions. I know they can sometimes be over the top, which they have been for me as well. But it’s natural. If you have any kind of feelings for something or someone, it is always hard to deal with. I understand you now. And I hold no grudge.”

He looks at me with a tender look on his face. Then takes my hand and kisses my fingertips. My breath catches and I close my eyes relishing the moment.

“Thank you for understanding me. I promise to be very careful with you and with myself. Sarah, I’m really sorry I made you cry. I won’t disappear again unless you want me to.”

“Are you afraid of how you feel?” I ask cautiously.

He doesn’t answer for a moment. Then he says. “Yes.”

“Me too.” I smile. “But I like how it feels.”