Stay

Keep Each Other from Drowning…

And I wonder if I ever cross your mind

For me it happens all the time.

-Lady Antebellum

“I don’t want you to go.” He says as he presses his lips to my forehead.

“Me too, but it’s almost 11 in the evening. Why do we always meet when it’s already dark?” I ask amusedly.

He laughs. “Good point, miss.” He pulls me to him, hugging me and pressing his chin to my temple. He smells exquisite. I inhale his scent and keep myself from exhaling for as much as I can.

“Can I take you to work tomorrow?” he asks me hopefully, cautiously even. I am surprised at his question but it makes me smile.

“Yes, you can.” I kiss his throat and he groans. I like that I also have some kind of power over him. Usually, I’m the one submitting.

“I love your hairstyle. Suits you perfectly. Have you ever had long hair?” he says stroking my head.

“Yeah, in high school. Thanks.” I nuzzle into his neck.

“Why did you cut it?” My mind goes back to the second year of my uni.

“I had ended a tough relationship and it was a way to show myself I had new perspectives in life. In a symbolic way.” He tenses.

“A tough relationship?” He pulls me up to look into my eyes. “With whom?”

“Alexander, let’s not sour the moment. I will tell you one day. It’s not important anymore.” His face shows all the reluctance he has at letting this one go. I know he wants to dig and find the answers. But not yet. I cannot do it now.

“Okay. Promise you will tell me your story one day.”

“If you promise to tell me yours.”

“Okay, come.” he holds me close to him. We sit in his car like that. The rain pours and pours but I don’t care. It feels like I am safe from everything.

Lily is asleep when I get home. Not because she sleeps early but because it is 2.15 am. My phone beeps with a text.

“You make me feel alive. I need you. Yours. Xx

-Alex. 31.05.17, 2.18 am”

“You have no idea how mutual that is. Yours too, xx

-Sarah. 31.05.17, 2.19 am”

I go to bed feeling so happy and content that I cannot sleep. Even the thought that I have to wake up early doesn’t help… My mind is on him. I wonder what he is like when he’s at home, relaxed and just… himself. I imagine him in his room, asleep in pajamas and hopefully dreaming about me. Or maybe he also cannot sleep. Maybe he also wants to call me or text me.

Giving up on any perspective of sleeping, I take my phone and open the f*******: app. I download one of his photos I like most. In the photo, he is smiling widely and I cannot help it but smile back. How can anyone be this gorgeous and want me as his girlfriend? I frown when I realize it is my low self-esteem speaking again. Pushing the thoughts aside I send him a friend request. He accepts it.

It’s after 3 in the morning. Why is he awake at such an hour? An ironic question. My f*******: messenger beeps.

“I was thinking about texting you but then I thought you might be asleep and the sound could wake you up. So I decided to look at your pictures here. You are so beautiful.

-Alex. 31.05.17, 3:49 am”

“Are you always this sweet?

-Sarah. 31.05.17, 3:50 am”

“I am glad you consider me sweet. But you are the only sweet here.

-Alex. 31.05.17, 3:50 am”

“I like it when you are playful. Lets me see a different side of you.

-Sarah. 31.05.17, 3:51 am”

“I miss you like crazy.  

-Alex. 31.05.17, 3:51 am”

My breath catches at my throat. This is escalating too fast. I’m afraid of it. But I so want to dive into it. I’m scared that if I give in to this, he will get bored in a short time and leave me. I’m scared that if I tell him I miss him too he will think I’m too available and leave me. I’m scared that if he learns how deep my feelings are for him, he will leave me. I’m scared he will leave me. But I also realize that fear will only hinder me on my way to possible happiness.

“I miss you too. Now let’s go to sleep. Will you be here in the morning?

-Sarah. 31.05.17, 3:53 am”

“Don’t hesitate, Sarah. We are both new to this, but we’ll figure this out on the way. I’d never miss the chance to be the first who sees you in the morning.

-Alex. 31.05.17, 3:54 am”

I am almost sure in his mind-reading abilities. How does he know I was hesitating to say I miss him? He is so thoughtful at times. I wonder if he is just pretending to be a gentleman. What if deep inside he is the beast, not the prince.

“ I’m feeling much better now that I talked to you. From day one, you have brought me inner peace. Good night, baby.

-Alex. 31.05.17, 3:56 am”

“From day one, I knew you were different. Good night… Ace

-Sarah. 31.05.17, 3:56 am”

He called me ‘baby’… I want to scream with joy. He makes me feel so alive. For a long time, I had no right to be weak. I always took much responsibility on my shoulders in my previous relationship. I had to be strong so I could keep us both from drowning. Not I understand Alexander will let me be myself, will sometimes let me be weak. He is so strong himself that I can just sit back and relax. The trust I have for him may even be undue to some point, but I know he will keep me from drowning.