Just a Pen & Paper

ftr: 1.21.2021 [8:30 pm, pennsylvania]   1 - DON'T WANT IT      un·want·ed • not wanted or no longer desired    /ˌənˈwän(t)əd/ | adjective "You never realize how lonely you are until you have a bunch of things to talk about, but nobody to talk to." - Unknown *      Luna knew it would happen, heck, she was waiting for it. It was dead silent, her heart was pounding ━ running from all the possibilities her mind had made up. It was moments like these, where her heart and brain began to disagree ━ but in others, they disagreed on what she wanted, like a kid unsure of which ice-cream flavor to pick.       "Luna, we aren't necessarily mad at you." Ximena, her mother, trailed off trying to find the right way to word it. "We're just.. disappointed." Her frown became deeper after the last word.            Though her facial expression showed that she didn't care ━ that word, disappointed, was worse than hearing that her mother was mad at her. Words like those, that came from people she cared about, though few, were a hard pill to swallow ━ but this pill, while trying to swallow it, maybe.. just maybe, she choked on it. She swallowed the thick lump in her throat, only for her eyebrow to twitch in irritation as the lump rose again.       "I━" She couldn't finish, trying to get her eyes that were getting glossy, under control. She kept mentally scolding herself ━ she kept telling herself not to care, but it's crazy how the heart disobeys it's master, right?      Seeing that she wasn't going to say anything anytime soon, her father raised an unimpressed eyebrow before speaking. "It's clear you have a problem."      He looked to her mother, eyes showing a flash of uncertainty and then it was gone as fast as it appeared, before looking back to Luna with a stern gaze. "Your mom and I signed you up for a therapy group. It'll help you get better."      Luna felt upset and betrayed to say in the least ━ she didn't understand how they'd expect her to share sensitive information about herself against her will. It wasn't the first time she'd felt this pain ━ except the last time it was more severe, and the scar would never disappear ━ like flesh branded by hot iron, forever there. It hurt her to even think of it. She couldn't find a lie in what her parents had said, that's what had impaled her heart ━ by the people who had her heart.       "Are you joking?" Luna knew she wasn't but still had a little hope, like the light shining through the window of an inescapable dungeon; taunting you, leaving you to hope that maybe it'll be more than hope ━ but your subconscious tearing that hope apart.      Her mom sighed. "Hija mia, hablo en serio (My daughter, I'm serious). It's from 6-8 pm on weekdays, I expect you home by 9."      It was Luna's turn to sigh ━ she never thought they'd be upset and go that far. She didn't even know how to respond, so she remained silent ━ schooling her features.      "Niña ingrata (Ungrateful child)." Ximena tutted. "Mírame tratando de ayudarla. Soy una madre tan buena. (Look at me trying to help her. I'm such a good mother.)" She praised herself. But Luna knew she was joking, somewhat.      "Ve a algún lugar. Ahora tengo que concinar. (Go somewhere. I have to cook.)" She shooed Luna away. With nothing left to do, Luna went upstairs. In order to keep her thoughts from wandering to a dark place ━ she did her homework. *      "Mi hija, ven a cenar. (My daughter, come eat dinner.)" Ximena yelled from the steps.      "Si, madre. Estoy bajando. (Yes, mother. I'm coming down.)" Luna had just finished her homework. She was relieved that her mom didn't seem to still be fired up about the therapy group ━ though Luna was still upset.      "So. How was school?" Her dad, Rafael, pried ━ dragging out the 'o' in so.      "The usual." Luna just sighed. She thought that they'd understand by now ━ she didn't really do... people. Except the occasional hi or hello, that was it. Call her mean, go ahead, everybody did, she was used to it.      "Oh, so you made a friend?" He had a glint of hope in his eyes ━ as his voice picked up a pitch in excitement.      "No. When I say the usual, I mean I talked to nobody else but myself." Luna deadpanned with a monotone voice.      Every single glimmer of hope that was once present on Rafael's face, was gone without a trace ━ as if it never existed. "Why?" He scoffed. "At this point, you don't even have a choice in the matter." When did I ever?      Ximena and Rafael, Luna's mom and dad, put on a good show for Luna ━ talking to each other and getting along like compatible parents do. After they'd finished eating their yellow rice with grilled chicken, Luna did the dishes, swept the floor, and cleaned the table.   As Luna was lying in bed, all she could think about was how there was nothing, nothing she had ever wanted more in her life, but to write... freely. For her, that wish was so painful, like a kid who sees others around her with the coolest gadget, yet she can't have one because her parents don't think it's good for her; amplified by 100. Nobody would ever expect that she had a problem with writing, because when did anyone ever have an addiction to it? That thought made Luna feel lonely, in a world where the unusual isn't welcomed, she felt she'd be lonely without support.      She began to lose her focus, the world becoming a blur ━ no longer what she knew it to be. Unusual things swirled around in her head, brewing into a dream that was soon to live ━ relief setting in at the process. After a few more minutes, she finally listened to the words ━ of the blanket called sleep. *  It was Wednesday ━ she wore a pink tie-dye sweat-set since there wasn't a uniform, only a dress code. She was in the middle of listening to her teacher when she felt the sound of a vibration and a ticklish feeling to the back of her thigh. DING! She quickly pulled out her phone, trying to be as discreet as a spy who is going undercover on a case with the knowledge that any mistake could end her life. - mama - [thre eadress wis 1439 w thenma sterty] sent/seen - luna - [huh???] sent/seen - mama - [this keyboard too small. i meant, the address is 1834 w thenma street.] sent/seen - luna - [mama... i really don't wanna go.] sent/seen - mama - [and you know i really don't care.] sent/seen - luna - [i'm changing the emoji next to your name-] sent/seen - mama - [???] sent/seen ━━ Luna let out a sigh of frustration ━ feeling like a mime who is trying to get people around him to understand, but no matter how hard he tries... he just can't. Just as she was putting the device in her pocket, the strictest teacher in the school, Ms. Wilkes-Easton, who also loves to trash-talk her ex-husband during lessons instead of teaching, snatched her phone from her. "Ahem." She feigned a cough. "What do you think you're doing in my class?" She really couldn't leave it be... now I have to embarrass her. You know what they say, swing first.      "Uh..." Luna decided to put on an act of her own. "I was texting. Just about to put my phone back too, until you came along of course." She deadpanned ━ voice drenched in sarcasm, not even bothering to hide the irritation.      "I was giving you a chance to redeem yourself. I'll be confiscating your phone until the end of class. I don't understand, you usually are quiet and don't cause trouble." Ms. Wilkes-Easton was a mixture of confused and surprised. She didn't know Luna could snapback like that. *      Throughout Luna's time in Ms. Wilkes-Easton's class that morning, there was one consistent thought in her mind as she kept trash-talking her ex-husband instead of teaching ━ I hate it here.           As usual, lunch period passed by with her sitting alone. No-one sat at her table nor bothered her, and being real, she liked it that way. The rest of her school day passed by without any real interruptions, and before Luna knew it, it was time to head to the therapy center. She had looked it up during lunch so she'd know which bus to take. Stepping onto the bus and scanning her metro card, she took a window seat in the last row of the bus. She always took the last row, because there she could hide ━ just like she did from the world, people, even those she cared about. She hid, because she was scared ━ she was even scared to admit she was scared. After 14 minutes, Luna got off of the bus and walked a few blocks before finding the building ━ she realized she was terrified. It'd actually began to set in that she was going to attend a group therapy session; she was going to have to socialize. In that moment, social anxiety flashed across her mind ━ that was also the moment she began self-discovery.      Once she signed a log sheet for attendance, after learning that they would contact her guardian(s) if she was absent ━ she eventually found herself outside of a mahogany wood door. Looking up at the tall and intimidating door, she could feel her heart beating as if it shared the adrenaline of someone running for their life from a lion. Her eyes widened as her mouth ran dry, thoughts jumping from what to do, to what was happening. She couldn't hear anything put the pounding of her heart, sounding as if it were in her ears ━ heated by the blood rush. Confusion became her reality as her breath became labored, and she could feel her throat closing ━ on a mission to kill her. Her body collapsed in an incontrollable tremble. What's happening to my body?           Then the door squeaked ━ of course Luna couldn't hear that. A man taller than her 5'3" with brown undercut hair, olive-tanned skin, squinted grey eyes, and a scowl placed on his thin crusty lips came out.      "What are you doing in front of the door?" His eyes squinted even more if possible. Right after finishing his sentence, an african-american hijabi came out. She had a black headwrap on, hazel eyes, glowing pigmented skin, full lips, and a button nose. She looks like a model. Luna had turned around to see them.      "Are you serious? She's having a panic attack, Deryck." His name is Deryck ━ noted. Wait━ panic attack?! The hijabi replied pointedly to the guy, before cautiously easing towards Luna with a sympathetic look.      "Obviously I must know, if I'm friends with you." He scoffed after talking in a dead monotone ━ deadpan expression to match. The hijabi flashed an expression of hurt at his statement.      "What's taking you guys so━" An older guy came out this time with brown hair and grey bits peppered in it, greyish-blue eyes that seemed to twinkle with care, low cheek-bones, and a narrow nose. He looks related to Deryck. "long" He finished after assessing and understanding the situation in front of his eyes.      He spoke with a voice full of kindness to Luna ━ speaking to Deryck in a tone the revealed his sternness and disappointment. "C'mon let's get you inside. Deryck, I'll talk with you later." *      "Anyone willing to step up and introduce themselves first?" Atlas, who was the second guy to come out of the door ━ who she later learned the name of after getting herself together, asked.      Ramsha was squirming in her chair, like a preschooler eager to answer a question she finally knew the answer of. "Ooh! I'll go!"       Ramsha began rambling after Atlas gave her the greenlight to speak ━ shaking his head in amusement with a soft chuckle. "Hi, my name is Ramsha. It means beautiful in Arabic. I love cooking, reading, baking, and ice-skating. One day I hope to be━"      Deryck rudely interrupted her ━ being the party-pooper he was, causing Ramsha to pout. "Nobody cares." Why does she put up with his crap?           Atlas scolded Deryck and told Ramsha to continue. After she finished, people worked up the courage to start sharing about themselves. Luna was the last one left, she'd been wearing a scowl to deter anyone from suggesting her name; it'd worked too, until now.      "Luna, care to share?" Atlas sucked in a sharp breath, bracing himself. He'd had members who lashed out and hurt other members ━ and Luna hadn't yet given him a reason to think she wouldn't do the same.      "My name is Luna and I don't know why I'm here." She lied, disturbed by the tinge of guilt as the word 'lie' flashed across her mind. Something she had yet to discover, she lied to protect herself from the bitter truth ━ she hid behind a mask that screamed 'I'm not scared', because she was. Luna Parpens was scared, and she was scared to admit it.      "I doubt you don't know. You were literally having a panic attack outside of our door when we found you." Deryck revealed while deadpanning; eliciting a gasp from everyone in the room, whipping their heads, and shifted their attention to Luna. Luna hated attention.      Luna snapped, irritated, causing Deryck to clench his jaw. "I don't know what your problem is, but you need to drop it. You got problems too, and I hate to break it to you, but this isn't the place to trade a crap personality for a good one." Bullseye. Luna didn't care if she'd sunken low, she felt she was already at the point of no return, with nobody to save her. Everyone in the room gasped, besides Deryck and Luna, for what felt like the millionth time. A chair falling back and a door opening were a couple of the sounds that could be heard. But there was one thing that everyone agreed on, no room for arguments, from the situation at hand. Cut the cameras. ━━ +2429 ━━ Finally.