Valeria

10 Consuelo

            The first one who saw me in my husband’s floor was his secretary. Itinaas ko ang isang daliri nang mapatayo ito. Nalaglag ang kaniyang panga ngunit kaagad ding napaupo. My heels were clicking loudly as I entered his office.

            Ang una ko namang nakita sa loob ay hindi ang asawa ko. It was our dear friend Antonova Escobar.

Of course.

            “O-Oh! Sol!” Dumiretso ito ng pagkakatayo. She was standing behind Beatus’ desk and seeming to be looking for something. “Ikaw pala! Hindi mo naman sinabing pupunta ka!”

            “I have that privilege because I’m the wife…” I smiled gently.

            Bumagal ang paglalakad ni Nova patungo sa aking gawi. Ngumisi ito nang mapakla bago dumiretso ng lakad.

            “Yes, of course. Everybody knows that,” tango niya. May binunot itong folder mula sa likuran. “Anyway, wala kasi si Beatus kaya ako na lang ang kumuha ng dokumentong kailangan ko. Urgent kasi. Do you mind?”

            Umiling ako at iginala ang tingin sa kabuuan ng opisina. Nothing seemed to be different. The same cool interior with its dark undertones flooded my sight. Wala ring bagay na parang hindi kabilang.

Except when I looked in front of me.

            “That’s fine,” tango ko. “Nagpaalam ka ba sa secretary niya?”

            “Oo. Itinawag daw kay Beatus kanina…” Nova nodded and kissed my cheek, then she went back behind his desk.

            I stood there in the middle of my husband’s office while staring at our dear colleague. Even if Beatus wasn’t really sitting there, it ticked me off. The image of Nova boldly showing her cleavage at me created a terrible image in my brain.

            “Gusto mo ng kape? Hinihintay mo ba si Beatus?” She looked up briefly.

            “I already had coffee earlier. Hindi na rin naman ako magtatagal.” Humakbang ako palapit sa ilang mwebles upang iyon ang pagtuonan ng pansin.

            Hindi rin pumayag ang mga mata ko dahil panaka-nakang bumabalik kay Nova. The Escobar heiress was roughly around my age. We went in the same high school together but we had never been classmates. Batchmates lang na laging nagkakatagpo ang circle of friends kaya naging magkaibigan. Tuwing may outings, parties, swimming or hangouts ay kami-kami rin ang magkakasama.

            But before all those, before she became my friend, I had always heard that name. Antonova Escobar. She was the popular girl that everybody chased. Matalino, maganda. Mayaman.

            Halos walang pinagbago ang itsura niya pagkalipas ng ilang taon. Her Spanish origin naturally colored her wavy hair auburn. May banyaga ngunit matangos na ilong. She had high cheekbones that was why her sharp jawline was the highlight of her face. Her beauty had always been exotic, the one that stands out in a sea of pretty faces.

            Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, alam kong muntik nang naging sila ni Beatus noon. The thought didn’t occur to me just until now and almost a decade after. I wondered why.

            “Are you sure? Gusto mo ba ng kahit anong makakain?” Finally, Nova stood up straight and walked towards me.

            When she got near, our heights almost matched. Her perfume attacked my senses. Something sweet and subtle. Like an apple.

Umiling ulit ako sa kaniya. Ako naman ngayon ang tumungo sa desk ng asawa ko. One of the pictures he had in there was our wedding day.

            “Beatus is on his way to Tagaytay. Kailangan niyang personal na ipaabot ang mga ginawa naming plano kagabi. But don’t worry! He’ll surely be back before dinner.”

            Hindi ko man alam ang detalyeng iyon ay hindi ko na ipinahalata pa.

            “Kamusta na nga kayo ng boyfriend mo? What was his name again? Seymore?” I asked instead.

            “Seymore Ortega and I broke up already,” she shrugged.

            “Oh, really?”

            “Yeah. It’s nothing serious anyway. Besides, you know me, Sol. I don’t like it when my relationships grow old. Nakakasawa kapag iisang tao lang ang kasama mo.” Nova’s smile was full of amusement.

            Wordlessly, I went towards the floor-to-ceiling window. Isa-isa kong tiningnan ang mga dumaraang sasakyan sa ibaba ngunit parang imposible. Masyadong marami. So, I just settled looking into the visible skyline of the city. “Do you know what I like about this view?”

            I waited before I looked back at Nova. “It never gets old.”

            When she said nothing after, I went towards her direction. Kaagad kong binunot mula sa bag ang telepono ni Beatus. “When you see my husband, please give him this. Remind him to text me his whereabouts. Remind him to call because his wife is waiting for him.”

            Bumagsak ang tingin ni Nova sa aking kamay na nasa ere. Binasa nito ang mga labi bago dahan-dahang kinuha.

            “Sure...” She smiled.

            “Thank you. Well, I’ll be going. Don’t forget to lock the door when you leave,” paalam ko bago tumalikod at naglakad na palayo.

            I didn’t wait for her goodbyes. By the time I was out, the fake smile I had on my lips was already wiped out. Napatayo ulit ang sekretarya ni Beatus nang dumaan ako. Sinamaan ko lang ito ng tingin bago sumakay ng elevator.

            I went back to my office to spend the rest of my afternoon working. When I got back home, I wanted to at least jog but I couldn’t. I felt so drained and tired. Parang may mga tanikalang hinihila ang mga paa ko at kahit ang pagpapalit lang ng damit ay hindi ko pa nagawa. Sumalampak ako sa kama at napapikit.

            I thought I was making it through. I was thought I was surviving this. But here it was again, the inexplainable feeling why I didn’t want to get up. And it just didn’t end there because sometimes it was the little things.

The reason why I couldn’t get up in the morning, why I didn’t want to shower. The reason why I couldn’t even lift my pen to scribble my signature. The reason I refused to use an umbrella when it rained.

            And the reason why I was feeling all those little things… they weren’t so little anymore, were they?

            Tumihaya ako ng higa at ibinukas ang mga mata. Bumungad sa akin ang nakakasilaw na bumbilya ng kisame. Parang malulusaw ang mga mata ko habang sinasagupa ang liwanag. My pupils were minimizing on their own as I stared out into the harsh light. Until my vision danced with colors, I wasn’t able to look away.

            It didn’t help that my mind was still playing over what happened between Nova and I. Hindi ko itatanggi sa sariling hindi maganda ang naging takbo ng usapan namin. Babae lang ako, marunong makiramdam. I hated lying to myself even though I already did it a thousand times in my life. But what I hated more was Beatus doing it.

            Maybe I was just being too paranoid. Nova was usually always with him because they worked together in a firm. Maybe it’s my head this time. Maybe it’s just me. What’s wrong with me?

            Bumagsak ang mga kamay ko sa ibabaw ng akingn tiyan. Kaya ko nang humilata at bumiling ng kanan at kaliwa pero naroon pa rin ang umbok, ang pinanggalingan ng batang namatay sa loob ng sinapupunan ko.

I might have been exercising for the past week now in a terrible attempt to shake off my post-pregnancy belly. Para lang makalimot. Para tanggalin ang lahat ng paalalang may kinaharap akong sakit. But why did it feel like I was also erasing Apollo’s existence?

Apollo lived inside me. Our heartbeats were once in sync with the other. She and I were connected like how nature designed it. To cut her off in my world would also mean losing myself because once upon a time, I measured myself with her. She was mine and I was hers.

            Hindi ko alam ay nakatulugan ko na pala ang malalim na pag-iisip. I didn’t know if Beatus made it home but it was around two o’clock in the morning when I heard the shower in the bathroom running. Nagpalit muna ako ng pantulog bago muling bumalik sa kama. Hindi ko na siya hinintay matapos.

            “Pinapasabi po ni Sir Beatus na nakaalis na siya,” bungad sa akin ni Aling Nenita pagbaba ko kinabukasan.

            I felt so exhausted last night that I overslept even when I didn’t actually tire myself out. At least not in the physical sense. Kamalas-malasan nga naman dahil nasaktuhang may pa-board meeting si Kuya Ilay. Halibas ang pagmamaneho ko pero late pa rin nang makarating sa opisina.

            May was hot on my heels with her tablet in hand. She opened the double doors of the conference room where the meeting was already taking place. All eyes turned to me.

            Seating myself next to the chairman, I subtly nodded at everybody.

            “You’re late,” Malkiel Charles Delgado muttered.

            “I know. I’m sorry.” I flipped the report open.

            “Maybe you should consider lying low for some time.”

            “Don’t give me that tone. You’re not my brother.”

            “No, I’m the chairman,” bawi niya. “All your reports are going through me. I read everything you put in the paper, Sol.”

            “Then you already know that my personal issue doesn’t affect with my work performance,” matalim kong sagot.

            “Why are you late this morning?”

            “I f*****g overslept, Cha. Are you going to make a big fuss about it?”

            “I will if it happens again.” Umayos ng upo ang aking tiyuhin.

            Sa tapat ko ay mariing nakatingin sa amin si Kuya Ilay. It was like he was hearing our conversation just from watching our lips. Sumama ang tingin nito kay Charlie.

            “It won’t…” I mumbled.

            Charlie leaned back on his chair and clasped his hands together. Halos manginig ang nagsasalita sa harapan. Umayos din ako ng upo at binulungan si May. My uncle seemed so engrossed with the presentation up front that it took a while before I realized he was talking to me again.

            “You know, Sol, Don Apollo died just after you were born. We all thought you’re going to be his little spawn, a little evil thing. But you’re not. You’re just like your mother. Sweet, kind, doesn’t f*****g curse in my f*****g office.”

            I winced with his tone.

            “Now… you might not be all bad and evil but his blood runs in the family. Do you know what else he was?” Charlie tapped his fingers lightly on the table, his signet ring glinting mercilessly. “He’s mad. Like a rabid dog.”

            Slowly, he turned to me. From the shape of his thick brows down to the sharp angle of his jaw, he was like his father before him.

            “You’re not turning mad, are you?” he whispered.

            My lips trembled with Charlie’s words. Was I? Turning mad?

            Naging maayos naman ang aming board meeting. Halatang tinitiris ako ni Charlie dahil ako ang madalas niyang tanungin. Kahit naroon si Kuya Ilay ay wala siyang pakialam. He was backed by his loyalists which irritated me more. And it wasn’t because I was late or anything, it was because I was a woman. With the loss of my child, there’s the assumption that I wasn’t fit to be working. That my current emotional intelligence wouldn’t be able to handle a multi-billion company.

            But with Beatus, they all seemed so sympathetic. Even in his own workspace, he had Nova all over him, and even his secretary who was once loyal to me had now switched sides. All because I was a woman. f**k it.

Pagkatapos ng meeting ay dumiretso na ako sa sariling opisina. On my way, I was fumbling with my phone, seeing the many texts Beatus actually left there yesterday and last night. Medyo gumaan ang pakiramdam ko. At least Nova wasn’t lying when she said that Beatus went to Tagaytay.

            My uncle’s words must have gotten into my mind that I craved some normalcy in my life. It had been in a total disarray after my little Apollo’s funeral. Halos isang buwan na rin noong huli akong naglaba o ‘di kaya ay naglinis ng bahay namin. Kahit ang simpleng pagpunta sa spa na tuwing weekend ko ginagawa ay matagal-tagal na rin. Gusto ko namang maramdamang normal pa rin ang buhay ko kahit papaano.

Kaya naman bago tuluyang umuwi sa bahay ay naisipan kong dumaan ng mall upang makapag-grocery. Maaga pa naman. Para lang malibang ako.

            “Hey! Long time no see! How are you doing?” Sinalubong ako kaagad ni Libra pagkababa ko ng kotse.

            “God, I’m not fine. I want to drink,” sabi ko nang nakipag-beso.

            Hinila niya kaagad ang kamay ko upang makapasok ng mall. I asked him to accompany me. Sakto namang nasa kalapit lang siya.

            “Talaga? You want to go a club? Is that really you Consuelo Delgado?” Humalakhak si Libra kaya napatingin ang ilang kasabay naming.

            “Not in a club, silly. Just somewhere far, I guess. These days, Manila feels like it’s inside a one big plastic balloon and we’re all huddled inside. It’s suffocating.” Nagkibit-balikat ako habang patingin-tingin sa mga boutique.

            Should I buy a dress? Would that solve my problem?

            “Ugh, Lyanna is complaining too. Gustong bumalik ng probinsiya. Paano ko pauuwiin kung hindi pa nakikilala nila Mama?”

            I turned to my cousin. He grinned wickedly at me. Natawa na lang ako at hinayaan siyang kaladkarin ako papasok sa isang coffee shop.

            We were supposed to do my groceries but Libra wanted to catch up first. He was mostly hearing all the boring parts of my life. Mukhang wala namang problema sa kaniya dahil panay ang order ng kung anu-anong tinapay samantalang ako ay hindi pa yata mauubos ang in-order na frappe.

            “How are you and Beatus? How is the married life?” Ngumisi ito.

“Ano, tsinismis na naman ako sa’yo ng kapatid ko? Was it Kuya Ilay or Kuya Carlo?” Umirap ako.

            Lumaki lang ang mga mata nito kaya umismid ako.

            “Okay, Kuya Ilay. That prick! Kung sino pa ang mga lalaki ay siya pang tsismoso…”

            Walang nagawa si Libra kung hindi ang ngumisi. Gustong-gusto talaga akong pinagkakaisahan nitong mga lalaking ito.

            “So? How’s marriage?” seryosong tanong ng aking pinsan.

            Suddenly, he wasn’t joking anymore. I sipped on my drink and thought about how I should answer him. “Ano pa ba ang mga hindi mo narinig?”

            “Kaunti lang ang sinabi ni Ilay e. Ano, Sol? May kabit ba ang asawa mo?”

            Muntik na akong masamid. Libra was fast to pass me the tissue. Tatawa-tawa ito kahit na nag-peace sign sa mukha ko. I knew right then and there that he’s playing with me.

            “Beatus doesn’t have a mistress,” I stated firmly.

            “Are you sure about that, my dear cousin? He’s just a man, you know. Kapag malamig ang kape ay hahanap ng ibang pampainit.” Bigla ay lumaki ang mga mata ni Libra. “Hindi mo nga ba pinapainit?”

            “Gross,” I gagged. “You’re my cousin, Libra!”

            “Ano naman? Arte! Dali na, magkwento ka na!” Hinampas niya ang balikat ko.

            “My husband doesn’t have a mistress. He already lost a daughter. It would be wise not to risk losing his wife too.” Huminahon ang aking boses.

            I hated lying to myself. I hated lying to other people just so I could lie to myself. But that was the one thing I was holding on to truly believe everything that I had just said. Nawalan na kami ng anak. Sigurado akong hindi ako hahayaang mawala pa ni Beatus.

Kahit na… parang iyon na nga ang ginawa niya.

            “You’re right, Sol. I’m sorry for being so insensitive.” Libra reached for my hands across the table. “Well, if in any case he does that whether you’re already fifty years old, just hit me up and I’ll beat him to a pulp. Considering that I’m not already dead.”

            Ngumiti akong tipid. Bibili na naman sana ito ng makakain ngunit biglaang nag-ring ang cellphone. He excused himself while answering so. Ang huling salitang narinig ko mula sa kaniya ay ang, “Lyanna, si Sol lang ang kasama ko…”

            I was left alone in our table, doing nothing but looking at the pretty paintings hanging on the wall. The cafe wasn’t exactly jampacked nor it lacked customers. Just the right amount to have a cozy conversation with someone you loved. The only thing that set them back was the transparent glass wall dividing us from the hustle and bustle of the outside world.

            May ngiti pa rin sa aking mga labi nang mamataan ang isang batang babaeng tumatakbo. It didn’t exactly look like it because in my mind, she was running in slow motion. Umaalon ang kaniyang mahaba at kulot na buhok, sumasayaw sa ere kasabay ng kaniyang skirt. Her pink floral dress and ballerina shoes looked somewhat familiar to me. Sa kaniyang pagtakbo ay unti-unting umusbong ang kaniyang mga ngiti.

            It felt like the air was knocked out of my lungs as I watched her. The world around us was just so busy and buzzing, but with her smiles, everything else between us slowed.

            She was there, moving just a few feet away from me, smiling and charming anybody who dared to look, nothing but an innocent flower wandering the earth.

            Nang makitang hindi nagtuloy ang kaniyang mga ngiti ay may kung anong namatay sa puso ko. What’s wrong, baby?

Nagdugtong muli ang oras at ibinagay kami sa natural nitong takbo. The girl in the ballerina shoes immediately halted, her creaseless eyes going wide.

            “Parker!” A man growled from a distance before he came charging towards her direction.

            Napuno ng ilang sigawan ang loob ng coffeeshop. Halos sabay-sabay na lumabas ang mga empleyado upang tingnan ang aksidente.  

            “P-Pasensiya na po, sir! Hindi ko po sinasadya! Bigla-bigla po kasing tumakbo ang bata! Pasensiya na po!”

            My hand shot up to cover my mouth. The poor kid was about to cry, her precious tears brimming her eyes. Mabilis siyang binuhat ng lalaking kaniyang kasama at inupo sa ibabaw ng lamesa. Marahan nitong kinuha ang brasong natapunan ng kumukulong kape.

Naiwan ang mga mata ko sa batang babaeng nanatiling tahimik kahit nasasaktan na. May kung anong nasasaktan din sa puso ko.

            “Hey, hey… Look at me. It’s going to be okay, Parker. Okay, baby?” The man held her small face with the both of his hands. “I got you…”