Valeria

11 Beatus

The skyline of the city down below was lit up against the dark. At eleven o’clock in the evening, the city looked even more alive than it ever did in the morning. Cars were busy honking at each other while smokes from the alleyways fluttered across the sky acting like thin clouds.

Binulsa ko ang isang kamay habang isa naman ay may hawak na baso ng alak. Nanatili ako sa kinatatayuan, sa harapan ng malaking bintana ng opisina kung saan pwede kong isiping sa akin ang lahat.

But if it was, what the hell was I even doing here?

If everything was indeed mine, why was I spending my evening alone in my office rather than going home to my wife?

Bahagya kong sinipat ang relo sa pulsuhan. Madaling araw na. Siguradong tulog na si Sol. Going back home at this hour would just make it all lonelier for me. I could take down any loan shark out there and win any construction bidding, but damn, how I hated to be lonely.

Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong pagtanaw ay narinig ko ang paglangitngit ng pintuan. I smelled her perfume even before I saw her face.

“Beatus?” Antonova Escobar called. Her naturally low voice tickled my eardrums. “Your secretary told me that you haven’t gone home yet. You’re still here.”

I looked over my shoulder. “You’re still here too.”

Hindi ito sumagot. Muli kong hinarap ang mundo sa ibaba. I sipped from my whiskey, letting it burn my throat from all the way down.

If only loss could be this easy, mas madaling tantiyahin kung kailan iinit at sasakit. Wala na sanang naghihirap kung ganito lang kasimple ang lahat.

“You should go home, Beatus. Sol is waiting for you…” Nova’s whispers attacked me from the dark.

I sighed and turned to her. Just enough light brought her sharp jaw into my vision.

“Bakit ba lagi mo akong pinapakialaman? You always go here in my office and use your position as an excuse. But, honey, you’re being too transparent. Ano ba talaga ang gusto mong mangyari?” Hindi ko na itinago pa ang pagtaas ng boses ko.

It might have been the whiskey talking. It might have been my actual mind. But Nova heard and she still chose to look at me, her round eyes not leaving mine.

Katulad ng laging nangyayari, ako ang naunang umiwas ng tingin. Inubos ko na lang ang laman ng aking baso bago ako tumungo sa desk. Sinalampak ko ang dalawang palad sa ibabaw noon bago hinilot ang sentido. Hindi pa ako lasing pero sumasakit na ang ulo ko kay Nova.

She stayed silent and observing which infuriated me more. I wanted her to be angry too. Like Sol, like my wife.

Sa loob ng bahay naming ay dalawang bagay lang naman ang pwedeng mangyari. Mag-aaway kami o hindi kami magpapansinan. Para kaming naglalaro ng taya-tayaan dahil tinatakbuhan namin ang isa’t isa. Kapag naman nagdidikit ay parang mga sinisilabang paputok. Galit na galit at ayaw magpatalo.

What happened was tough on the both of us. So, I tried to be patient with her. I tried to understand that what she was going through would always be more than twice my suffering. She’s a mother who lost her first child. I tried so hard to understand her. But there was just this one big wall between us. Just this one stupid f*****g wall that wouldn’t go the f**k away.

Hindi ko alam kung paanong nagsimula. Siguro ay kasing nipis pa lang ng isang pirasong papel noong una pero nang lumaon ay naging isang makapal na libro na. Lumaki nang lumaki hanggang sa kahit anong pagsilip ko ay hindi ko na siya makita, si Sol. All that I could see now was this barrier between us and not even a silhouette of her lovely face.

I knew that it didn’t happen in just a snap. Of course, I was there when it was slowly built. I was present, always, and I let it happen. The both of us did.

And now what? What should you do when the only person that could get to you felt like you’re not existing to her anymore?

You drink. That’s it. You drink and you don’t go home. Just like what I had been doing lately.

“Ano ang gusto kong mangyari? You’re really asking me that? Gusto mo ba talagang marinig?” Nova spoke, breaking me out of my reveries.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniyang namumulang mukha.

“I want you to be better, Beatus!” she shouted, making me wince a bit because of her loud voice. “We all do! Look at yourself! You’re a mess!”

Hingal na hingal siya dahil sa dineklara. Ngumisi ako nang mapakla.

Ever since my wife and I lost our baby, this colleague of ours had been offering me her deepest, sincerest sympathies. She didn’t bat an eye when we announced to our friends that Sol was pregnant but she congratulated us nonetheless. So, when things suddenly turned in full circle and she was here by my side, I didn’t know what to think.

Kape sa umaga. Meryenda sa hapon. Minsan ay kinukuha ang mga trabahong para sa akin kapag nakakatulugan ko na. At kung minsan ay ganito – pupuntahan ako sa opisina para lang pauwiin ako kay Sol.

At ngayon ay ito naman? Pagagalitan ako na para bang bata? Na para bang hindi ko alam kung gaano kagulo ang estado ngayon ng buhay ko?

“I don’t know what game you’re playing but I’m so tired. I’m so f*****g tired, Nova. Just please…” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Please get the hell out of my sight. Uuwi ako kapag gusto ko nang umuwi.”

Nova emitted silence but it wasn’t like the one my wife and I suffered from. She wasn’t talking. She didn’t need to. She was there, and I couldn’t have admitted it, but that was enough for me. To know that someone was there no matter how dark it gets.

Unfortunately, she was not the woman I loved.

“Grief is like a monster,” Nova whispered, her somber voice consuming me. “Cage it and it will eat all the love your loss left behind.”

“I’m not even sure if there’s any.” Umiling ako at ngumisi ulit.

“There’s a lot of it in there more than you know. That’s why your grief existed in the first place. Because you loved your child, Beatus.”

I didn’t bother speaking. I didn’t look back even when I heard the clicking of her heels fading away. What she said was true but I just couldn’t admit it to myself.

Nang umuwi ako nang gabing iyon ay tama ang hinala ko. Tulog na nga ang asawa ko. Mukhang pagod na pagod kaya bagsak kaagad sa kama. Minsan pa ay inaabutan ko siyang hindi na nakakapagpalit ng damit galing opisina. I couldn’t help but to think that Sol was purposely tiring herself out just so her body would give in to sleep. It was harder to get these days so I couldn’t blame her. Even I was also suffering from insomnia.

Bumaba ulit ako sa kusina para sana uminom ng tubig pero hilong-hilo na ako. Naparami nga yata ako ng inom. Nova was partly to blame. Nang pumanhik ulit sa itaas ay ayaw nang tumigil ng aking mga paa sa pag-akyat ng mga hagdan. Hindi naman sa kama namin ang diretso ko kung hindi sa kwartong katabi. Sa dapat sanang kwarto ni Apollo.

I didn’t know what the hell I was doing there but I remembered going down on my knees. The room was already empty. There was nothing in it anymore. Wala na ang kuna na pinili namin ng asawa ko. Wala na ang mga laruan na tuwing hapon kong binibili at pasalubong kay Sol. Wala na ang kahit isang gamit na anim na buwan naming inipon. It was my child didn’t exist at all.

I stayed there for only God-knows-how-long. I didn’t even remember when did I got up. All that I knew was, I was crying while my wife was sleeping.

Kinaumagahan, bago pa man magising si Sol ay nakabihis na ako. Ganoon naman ang madalas na siste. Nakaligo na ako at nakagayak dahil maagang umaalis. Kaya lang, sa umagang iyon ay nag-abot kami ni Sol.

Paikot-ikot ako sa buong kwarto dahil nawawala ang aking cellphone. I got so fuming mad that morning because I really needed my cellphone. Marami akong kliyente at halos lahat ng schedule ko ay naroon. I couldn’t even filter my words and it sucked. Sol heard everything because she, too, was so damn angry. Heto na naman kami ng asawa ko.

“Problema ba iyon? Go back to the kitchen again, Beatus! Mag-double check ka nga! Pati ako ay naabala pa sa pagbibihis ko tapos ay sa kusina mo lang pala naiwan?” Dinuro niya ang pintuan, galit na galit ang mga mata.

Hindi ako makakibo. Parang unti-unting may namamatay sa akin. My missing cellphone was no longer my concern.

That morning, I looked at Sol like how I looked at her the first time that I did. I tried so hard to remember why I chose her in the first place. She was the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with. She was my wife, my love. I tried to go back that feeling and held on to it tightly. Because if I wouldn’t, I would act on the anger that was simmering deep in my chest. Baka tuluyan kong makalimutang mahal ko siya.

Sa pagkaratanta naming dalawa, sumabog ang lahat ng laman ng isang drawer sa sahig. Pakiramdam ko ay puputok na ako sa frustration.

“You know what, Beatus? I need to go to work. Find your goddamn phone yourself. Aayusin ko na lang ito mamaya pagdating ko.” Naubusan na rin ng pasensiya si Sol at iniwan na akong mag-isa.

That was how our morning went. Great.

Kaya naman pagdating ko sa opisina ay aburido ako kaagad. Halata sa mukha ko ang pagka-badtrip dahil hindi ako makausap nang matino ng aming team. Kung hindi dumating si Nova ay baka napurnada na ang mga plano namin nitong mga nakaraang linggo.

Sino bang nasa matinong utak ang hindi mawawalan ng gana? Nawawala na nga ang cellphone mo tapos ay galit pa ang asawa mo sa’yo.

As the days passed, the wall between Sol and I was just getting thicker and thicker until it didn’t need a support anymore. It already manifested itself between use, and sometimes, I thought it was planning on expanding omore. Sometimes I thought it was plotting to cage me inside and take me away forever, and the only way to outrun it was to get busy so that was what I had been doing.

Hindi iyon pinalampas ng kakambal ko kaya naman nang makakuha ng bakanteng oras ay kaagad nag-imbita ng brunch. It was in some garden restaurant just outside of town. Halos kami lang ang tao sa lugar na pinalilibutan ng malawakang taniman ng trigo. I would have commended Beatrix for the decent location if it wasn’t for my already sour mood. Hindi ko na nga alam kung saang bagay ako na-badtrip dahil parang ganoon na lang lagi ang mood ko.

“Lola is expecting you and your wife to visit. Dinner, maybe?” Bea put her glass of red wine down.

“Sol and I are busy,” iling kong may katotohanan.

Kumunot ang noo ng kakambal ko. “That won’t do. You know how Lola gets. Just drop by, that’s all, then do whatever you’re so busy about. Mahirap bang bumisita kahit minsan?”

I cursed mentally. Hindi pa nga kami ulit nakakabisita ng asawa ko kila Lolo at Lola. It’s not that I didn’t want to visit. It’s just that, we had a lot on our plate as of the moment.

I gave a half-shrug to Bea just so she would stop pestering me. Nagpatuloy ako sa pagkain dahil unang beses yatang may disente akong lugar na pagkakainan. Kung hindi sa kotse ay sa opisina. Ngayon lang ako makakakain ng matino at may kasama.

For at least ten minutes, my twin and I were talking about basketball and whatever hobby she discovered this month which was equestrian. She already finished her MBA but was studying again, if I wasn’t mistaken. Our conversation the whole meal was smooth, and I was grateful for it. But really, I knew what’s going on.

“Okay, that’s it. Why did you really bring me here?” tanong ko kay Bea pagkatapos naming kumain.

The sun was shining quite high, and its little sunrays fell on her bare shoulders. In my eyes, Beatrix and I didn’t look like each other. At all. Her eyes were a vibrant shade of umber, and with the freckles peppering her nose, she looked exactly like the child of the sun. We looked nothing alike in my own opinion.

“To talk. Syempre!” naiirita nitong sagot.

“You want to ask about how I’m doing. Just like everybody does. I get it.”

“I don’t need to. I’m your twin, remember?” Inirapan ako nito na para bang insultong-insulto.

My lips curved slightly. I leaned back on my seat with my stomach sated.

“Alam ko kung anong nararamdaman ko kahit na tinitingnan lang kita. Mag-usap na lang tayo.” Diskumpyadong umiling si Bea.

“About what?” I tilted my head.

“About what you’re going to do with your feelings. Duh!”

“Excuse me?” Sumingkit ang mga mata ko sa aking kakambal, inaalalang matanda na ito at hindi na iyong itsura niya dati noong mga bata pa lang kami.

Her younger image just wouldn’t get out of my head especially when she nodded repeatedly at me. “Alam mo, Beatus, lahat naman sila ay tinatanong kung ayos ka lang ba. Pagkatapos ay wala na. Hindi na nila alam ang susunod na gagawin. People are so rude these days.”

“What are you trying to say?” I frowned.

She wasted no time and grabbed a few stuffs from her purse. My twin slammed at least three small brochures on our table. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay dinuro nito ang mga ipinakita. Unang bagsak pa lang ng tingin ko roon ay parang sasabog na ako.

“Hindi ko kailangan niyan…” Umiwas ako ng tingin.

As if already anticipating my reaction, Beatrix sighed. She didn’t stop though. Binunot niya ang isa at unti-unting binulatlat.

I had no choice but to read the contents of the magazine. The colors used were light and not too vibrant unlike the sun. It was supposed to attract the eyes but I felt nothing close to being attracted. In fact, I felt quite the opposite.

“Educate yourself and others! Take action on mental health issues!” the glossy paper quoted.

Pagkatapos ng ilang sandali ay iyong isa naman ang binuksan ng kakambal ko. Pare-pareho ang laman.

“This is your solution. If I ask you how are you doing and you answer me, this is what I will give to you. A solution.” Humalukipkip si Beatrix.

Ngumisi ako at nang mamataan ang isang waiter ay sinenyas ko kaagad ang bill.

“Well, your solution sucked because I don’t need therapy.” Finally, I looked at my twin. I slammed a few bills on our table but she didn’t flinch. “I’m fine, Beatrix. No need to solve anything. I’m f*****g fine, alright?”

Sumama lang ang tingin nito sa akin ngunit hindi na nagsalita pa. Wordlessly, I stood up from my chair and went to hers. Humalik ako sa kaniyang pisngi bago umalis.

I didn’t need therapy. I was doing fine.

That’s what I’d been trying to tell myself while driving on my way back home. The thought got stuck in my head as much as I tried to avoid it. It was like a one big bubble, a harmless idea, but it troubled my mind until I was getting a bit dizzy.

“Putangina…” Sinapak-sapak ko ang manibela. “Putangina!”

My hands balled into fists as I tried to control myself. Hinilamos ko ang mukha sa palad at sinandal ang siko sa bintana. Wala pa man ding ilang minuto ay hindi ko na nakayanan.

The road was pretty much empty because Makati’s still far. Kinabig ko kaagad ang manibela para iparada ang sasakyan sa gilid ng kalsada. I didn’t bother to park it correctly. I just needed to get out of the car because for the life of me, I couldn’t f*****g breathe.

When I got out, I held my head in both of my hands. Natatawa ako sa ginagawa ko sa buhay ko. I clutched my head tighter as I began to kick the front wheel of my SUV.

Displaying violence didn’t satisfy me at all, and when I was done kicking it with wild abandon, I threw another set of curses.

It was when the sunrays hit my eyes that I looked into the horizon. Umabot pa rin ang malawak na taniman ng trigo sa pinaghintuan ko. Hindi ako nagdalawang-isip nang bunutin ang susi ng kotse at naglakad pasulong.

I found myself walking into the fields. Winds clashed up above, not knowing if they’d go north or south. Soon, I stood among the crops. I looked around only to see the wheats.

And then… I was able to breath. I let it all go, precisely wanting to take the weight off of my shoulders. Mas lalo pang lumakas ang hangin. Gulo-gulo na ang aking suit pero ayos lang. Ang gusto ko lang naman ay ang makahinga. Ang makawala.

My knees dropped on the ground as I bathed under the sunlight. Hot liquid fell down from my cheeks but I wasn’t entirely sure what it was because of the harsh winds. I didn’t want to know what it was anyway.

“Putangina! ‘Tangina!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.

I was shouting then I was laughing at myself. I owned a big company. I had a beautiful wife whom I loved dearly. I almost had a kid. And there I was, making a fool out of myself.

I didn’t need therapy. I was fine. Those were my words earlier.

A smirk touched my lips. “Fine…. Fine, my ass.”