7 years later

Chapter 2-4

In the car, they were mostly quiet. Neither of them knew what would be the most appropriate conversational topic under the circumstances. Lana stared out the window with mixed feelings and had no idea what would be waiting for her at the hospital. Mentally, she was prepared for the worst, and she was a little ashamed of herself for not being more upset by the bad news. She didn’t feel romantic about Ben anymore, she felt that she had already dealt with her feelings for him, and considered her relationship with Ben a closed matter. And this was so even if, as she suspected, Ben might still have feelings for her due to his often repeated calls. It also soothed her conscience that her breakup with Ben had nothing in the world to do with her reunion with Hayden. The problems with Ben had become clear to her well before she met Hayden again. Of course, she couldn’t have been a hundred percent sure that Hayden’s person wasn’t fundamentally related to the fact that her relationship with the musician didn’t work. She was aware that thousands of women would find her decision utterly incomprehensible, but there was nothing she could do about her emotions, or the absence of them. To put it simply, he was not the right one for her, that’s why she couldn’t get herself to marry him.

As they pulled up in front of the main entrance of the hospital, Hayden speedily walked around the car and opened the door for her. He looked at Lana with an expressionless face, even managed a little smile. Lana could do nothing but adore his serene stare, troubled brow and his every move, all speaking of confidence. She also knew what was under the surface.

‘Go ahead! I’ll just park the car, then I’ll come back. I’ll be waiting for you in the hall. Don’t worry about the time. Stay as long as you feel necessary! I’ll be waiting downstairs.’

‘Really, I can’t ask this of you,’ she protested. ‘Surely, you have so many other things to do. I can’t expect you to sit here until –‘

Hayden tiredly closed his eyes indicating that all further explanations or polite excuses were unnecessary. His eyes were filled with pain as he looked at her. His voice was serious, dark.

‘There is only one thing that could make me leave you here alone. That is, if you want me to go. If you wish to be alone with… him,’ he gulped, ‘then I’ll leave at this very moment.’

Lana’s hand was shaking with emotion as she squeezed Hayden’s, and she shook her head. ‘I don’t want you to go. Please, stay!’

He nodded, and inhaled deeply, nervously. Lana turned and walked inside through the large revolving doors. She looked back only once to catch his sad look still following her.

‘Thank you!’ she whispered so that he could read it from her lips.

She hurried to the reception desk and inquired after Ben Jones’s room. The receptionist eyed her suspiciously, and then declared that not everyone could just walk in on Mr Jones. Lana answered with a deep sigh that she was well aware of that. She asked the woman to take a look at the VIP list prepared by Mr Jones’s agent. While the receptionist, looking irritated, found the afore-mentioned list, Lana looked behind her, and noticed several groups equipped with cameras in the spacious hall. I certainly don’t miss this! She sighed to herself, because she was convinced that these people were waiting here to see Ben and take a few lucky snapshots. The receptionist, to her disappointment, had realized that Lana’s name was in fact included on the exclusive list, so she showed her the way with a bitter smile on her face. The last obstruction was Little Bob, Ben’s 6’3, 265-pound bodyguard, who was seated, reading a newspaper. On seeing Lana, he got up and grinned broadly.

‘Holy s**t! Lana Bell! I haven’t seen you in ages.’

‘It’s very nice to see you too, Little Bob. You look great.’

‘Thanks.’ The behemoth cleared his throat ‘And you look gorgeous as always. Ben will be over the moon.’

Lana smiled and would have liked to inquire about Ben’s condition beforehand. Little Bob, however, had already knocked and immediately opened the door for her. He ushered her in and attentively closed the door behind her.

The room was semi-dark because the blinds were drawn, so Lana couldn’t see much of Ben as she approached the sickbed near the window very carefully. The room was full of the scent of fresh flowers, and it was full of balloons covered with various get-well notes. She stopped a good two yards from the bed and cleared her throat. Is he asleep, or could he be so unwell that he’s unable to react? – Lana wondered. A few seconds later, she heard someone move under the blanket, and heard a familiar voice calling her name.

‘Lana, is it you? Come closer!’ He turned over in the bed and looked at her with a pained smile. ‘I’ve missed you.’

‘Ben, for heaven’s sake, what happened to you?’ Lana asked, ignoring the latter comment.

‘Wait, I’ll pull the blinds so it won’t be so dark. Come closer, let me see you!’ he said, pushing aside his blanket. Then he sat up and reached for a little remote control.

‘Stay. I’ll do it,’ Lana said, and she was already at the other side of the bed.

At the push of a button, the blinds before the window started to rise. As the light spread in the room, Lana turned back to take a closer look at the patient. Ben squinted at the sudden brightness. With one hand, he shaded his eyes, while the other stretched towards her. Although she did not touch his hand, she pulled a chair close to the bed, and sat down. For a while, they gazed at one another in silence. Lana noticed a few bruises on his face, and she now also saw that his right leg was in a cast. She could not find, however, any medical instruments that implied he was in critical condition, or had serious internal injuries.

In the end, Ben broke the silence. ‘Thank you for coming, Babe. This means a lot to me.’

After she assessed that she didn’t need to fear for Ben’s life, and his injuries didn’t seem to be too hard to recover from, she pulled a grumpy face. Why the hell was he calling her Babe? She didn’t like it even back when they were together. And now he has absolutely no reason to call her that.

‘Of course I came, Ben, what were you thinking? Ken called me and said you’d had an accident and were in the hospital. He wouldn’t say anything more, only that you wanted to see me.’

‘I’m sorry if he scared you. Initially things looked pretty bad, there was no way for them to know how serious it was, or whether I had internal injuries, and so they did all they could to fulfil my last wish,” he said, giving a conspiratorial smile.

‘Ben Jones, you are impossible!’ she sighed.

‘Just a silly stage accident. Could have been worse. I was lucky.’

While he talked and explained the details of the accident, Lana listened, deep in thought. The musician was certainly an attractive man, even with his pale face and broken leg, bed-ridden. He was very handsome with his shoulder-length dark hair and blue eyes. Yet, she found him attractive in a very different way to Hayden. Ben had some boyish playfulness about him with that mischievous glint in his eyes, and the way he could never be completely serious, not even in the most critical moments. There was something mellow about his whole being that Hayden lacked. Whether it was stage life that taught him this, or whether it was an innate part of him, Lana was not sure. She did not know either, whether in Hayden’s case it was the childhood traumas, the quick growing-up process or the huge responsibility on his shoulders that made him the way he was. Ben’s charmingly easy-going manner was coupled with talent and success, and she could perfectly understand the women who were in love with him. It was during the time with him that she could be farthest from her past, and she was often quite happy. For a while, she even thought that she had got over Hayden, and was close, very close, to submitting herself to this relationship. The problem was, however, that she had given her heart away years before, and never could get it back fully. And she knew it wasn’t Ben’s fault that their relationship never became complete.

As she stood there now, so close to him, and he looked at her with his ever-smiling blue eyes, Lana came to understand he did want to get her back. She hoped they had been past that phase, but he didn’t seem to have given up so easily. But she could never love him like… she could never love him deep enough, and Ben had to understand that. They just shouldn’t meet again after this. He had to get over their relationship as she had done long ago.

‘It seems you really were lucky, Ben. As always!’ she smiled back at him. ‘What do the doctors say? When can you leave the hospital?’

‘They’ll probably let me out the day after tomorrow. Frankly, I have nothing against a few days of forced rest. I had a bit too much going on recently.’

‘Ben,’ Lana began seriously, and then stood up to move over to the edge of his bed with a deep sigh. ‘We need to talk!’

‘Why do I get the feeling I won’t like what I am about to hear?’ he asked with a grim smile.

‘I suppose because your intuitions have always been good.’

‘Stop it, Lana.’

‘Be honest with yourself, Ben. We’ve tried it together several times, but it’s never really worked.’

‘For you, maybe,’ he cut in.

‘It couldn’t have been working for you either,’ said Lana with a sad smile. ‘We’ve given us enough chances, it’s time to move on. It doesn’t work, Ben. And you know that too.’

‘Lana, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to disappear from my life. I love you, and I’m just not capable of –‘

‘Oh, but you are, Ben! I am not the one. I never could, and I never would be able to give you what you really want. I couldn’t make you happy. This must have become apparent to you as well while we were together.’

‘I love you.’

‘I know. I loved you too, but –‘

‘But not the way you love him,’ he said in a temper.

At this unexpected statement, Lana was taken aback. She pulled her hand out of his grip. She blushed deeply.

‘The way I love him?’ she repeated incredulously, because she couldn’t imagine where Ben could have got the idea.

She had never shared with Ben in detail what role Hayden Ravensdale had played in an earlier part of her life. She had only mentioned fleetingly that she had been a serious relationship before.

‘Oh Lana!’ he snorted bitterly, rolling his eyes. ‘Even though you never told me everything, I’m not stupid enough not to notice when my girlfriend has her mind somewhere else.’ Dejected, Lana was gripping the corner of the blanket with her fingers. What could she have said to this? ‘And you still don’t want to tell me about it, do you?’ he asked reproachfully.

‘I’m sorry, Ben,’ she shook her head.

‘There’s someone else,’ he observed in a blank voice.

Lana looked up at him, and gave him a tired little smile.

‘There is. There’s always been,’ she sighed. ‘If I want to be honest with us, I have to admit that there’s always been somebody else. But not in the way you think!’ she corrected quickly, afraid that Ben might misunderstand. ‘Not physically…’

‘But in your heart, in your thoughts. Somehow, I have always felt that I was never alone with you, if you know what I mean. I hoped that in time I could make you forget that someone else.’

‘I hoped that too,’ she said, shrugging her shoulders with resignation.

She squeezed his hand, and looking straight into his eyes, she continued. ‘It’s time for you to move on. I have, and it’s now your turn. I know you, Ben. You’ll soon find a woman who will be very happy to be with you and with whom you will be much more content than you could have ever been with me. I’m fully convinced of this, Ben.’

‘Lana!’

‘Please listen! I don’t want you to call me ever again or send me messages. I won’t answer. And I won’t visit you again. Look at me, please!’

Ben was stroking the back of Lana’s hand with his thumb, and it was apparently very difficult for him to accept what he had just heard. ‘You’ll get over it soon. Be happy, Ben. I know you will.’