Stellam Matutinam

My Fight with Food

"Hopefully they won't take too long, Mum said she won't need much time in slapping together the rest of the food so if you're hung-"

"No thank you, I'm good." I beam then I show her the can in my hand as a way to say I won't be eating at all tonight.

"Alright then, sorry if this is boring right now. I thought there'd be people rocking up already." she goes on as we scan her empty backyard set up with two massive outdoor settings pressed together to form a giant line of table with pale tablecloths over the top of them.

"No you're fine, this s**t used to happen on my birthday." I murmur to keep the conversation since the MD's hitting that side of me right now, the side that never shuts the f**k up and wishing I'd stop making comments about my past with the foster parents and how little they cared about my birthday.

Fine China and cutlery have been placed out in matte black to make the tablecloths stand out with napkins of the same pasty white sit underneath the plates, crystal candle holders with fresh candles waiting to be lit in their holsters are spaced out in the middle of the table, and chairs also covered in cloth then tied to the chair around the middle with black ribbon so the large bow it creates is displayed on the back.

Turns out there's going to be a massive dinner halfway through the night so it's going to be interesting watching me sit at a table picking over a plate I can't stomach. My cover will surely be blown by then.

To the far left of the huge dining setup is a spit bigger than a normal sized one with the coals still unlit and ready for whatever is going to be thrown on it with a fire pit also set up in an empty medicine drum to the far right of the table.

Wishing I had a backyard this big when I also catch the fruit trees and garden out the back of the property, I almost lose myself in the different colours when I feel a light nudge to the side of my arm and realise that I'm still with Nessa.

"Come on I think the others are finally here." she chuckles after letting me zone out for a bit, my cheeks heating a little as I rise up beside Nessa and follow her back inside where things are still chaotic in the kitchen, the whole time my heart in my throat as I picture who these other people could be.

Kicking myself in unison with deflating in relief when I notice it's just Josh, Nia and Lissa, I'm about to ask what took them so long when an unknown car pulling up in their driveway kills the sentence in the back of my throat in favour of finding out who the newly arrived person is.

"Oh great we rock up now everyone starts to." Nia announces on her way in and can in her hand sloshing around sounding half-empty and in need of a new one.

"Tell me about it, I just went out for a smoke to see if it'd make you guys come quicker and it did." Nessa grins then leads the group to the lounge room where there's more room to sit instead of on the grass outside the backyard.

"It's always the way though. Hey have they lit the fire yet?" Josh questions once he's done slumping himself down on the couch as if he'd had a long day already.

"Not yet we're still waiting on people to rock up. I think my Aunty and Uncle from my Dad side are the ones that just rocked up anyway." Nia explains when we hear laughter sounding from the backdoor.

"Ohhh Karina and Peter?" Nessa beams as Nia and Lissa start talking about the said couple.

"Yeah you can go and say hi if you want, I think Aunty Bodhi's getting them drinks." Josh states to Nessa who's excusing herself along with Nia and Lissa to go and greet them, leaving Josh and I once again alone.

"Don't you want to go and say-"

"Eh I can do that later, right now these eight percent cans are kicking my arse." he chuckles across me whilst showing me his can under half the size of mine with the writing a little hard to make out from where I'm sitting.

"It is vodka and you can really taste it in this, you want one?" he offers as he pats an Adidas backpack beside him I didn't see him have on his way in.

"Sure, if that's okay? I mean I was about to get myself a new one anyway but got distracted by having a smoke outside." I confess as he hands me one and I'm quick to inspect it, a devilish grin tugging at the corners of my mouth when I read the Smirnoff label and what it's mixed with.

"Man you won't get me off these, keep them away from me." I laugh after a lengthy sip and Josh cackling along with me.

"Good then I won't have a problem getting rid of them." he beams then necks the rest of his can, leaving me wondering if it is me who should be worried about him getting too drunk.

"Yes that's all good and well but I have work tomorrow." I point out with a c****d eyebrow and semi-puckered lips, my expression clearly amusing since he's now giggling.

"Oh that's right I guess I can't get you too drunk then. Besides I'm sure Aunty Felicity won't mind for she's coming here tonight as well remember?" he grins with a flirtatious wink, knowing for a fact he's being a dickhead but something else is also telling me watch it because things could also get heated. And I'm not meaning argument wise either.

*

Things at the party are in full swing with music blaring from the shed I discovered in amongst the trees and beautiful gardens at the back of the yard, the semi-large structure big enough to have a pool table in it I'm currently playing beer pong on with Nessa, Josh, Lissa and Nia.

Next to the stereo that's pressed against the back wall at the very end of the shed as you walk in and set up on another smaller table where the bass currently rattles the f**k out of the corrugated iron walls, is another table holding endless amounts of slabs alongside two hefty Eskys filled with wine of all sorts sitting in front of it.

Two five seater couches are position seating opposite each other near the drinks and stereo in order to make room for the pool table as well as closer access to the drinks and music we've managed to overtake halfway during the night.

So far no one has complained about the mix of metal, hard bass, EDM, Psytrance and others I've already forgotten since I've done nothing but get smashed and try not to make a fool of myself around their family.

"Hey I've been meaning to ask, what exactly will we be eating? I've never had a traditional Italian spread before." I shout at Nessa over the thumping music when we both wait for our turn to try and score the ball in a cup, our previous conversation about her Italian heritage ringing a bell once I'd finished overhearing her conversing in the same language as Luca, and finally asked her the question I already knew the answer to.

I just hope he isn't f*****g related to them for I don't think I could handle that let alone ask right now for if he was related to them, then he would be here. Unless something has happened and he's been shunned from the family, I mean they made it quite clear they're a very close family and never let outsiders in.

Then again he's still different from the rest that I've met here tonight as well as throughout my time here in this town, my rushing thoughts suddenly put on hold when I sense something coming though I can't quite put my finger on.

"It's a surprise but let me assure you there's going to be a f**k load of all different sorts including dessert afterwards." she smiles back with a wink and nudge to my side.

Rolling my eyes we continue on with another conversation and soon find out that there will be another family gathering soon only even bigger than the one that's happening now since only half of the family members could make it tonight.

Cracking a joke on how other members are allowed to skip it and the others have to go no matter what, the joke stirring a few chuckles though not as many as I'd hope which indicates that I may have said something out of line.

"The only reason why we have to come along with those you see here tonight is because we're impo-"

"Hey shitheads it's your turn!" Josh calls over the music as Nia and Lissa drunkenly motion for us to have our turns with my interest suddenly peaking at her words.

What the f**k does she mean important? How can there be rankings in a family if they're all so close together. Maybe they're the ones that aren't so close to them, even then that's f*****g weird.

"Oh alright! Keep your fucken knickers on!" Nessa jokingly snaps with a flap of her wrist in their direction after Lissa's comment on how Nessa can happily go f**k herself.

Laughing and missing my shot horribly, I neck down the shot of bourbon in the bottom of the cup I'm currently having a hard time getting down for the MD will start to wear off soon. That or I'm addicted to feeling that rush of euphoria that intense it has my eyes rolling to the back of my head.

"Oii remember you have work tomorrow, you'll hate yourself for drinking so much." Nessa murmurs near my ear and suddenly I'm fighting through the fog in my head to try and remember the thing my brain's screaming at me for losing grasp of.

Something about Nessa and her family, ah well I'm just happy tonight has turned out good for me so far. I mean I've met pretty much everyone here and haven't had a bad vibe from either one of them. Their names however are ones I can never stick in my head for the life of me since the mixing of drinks and narcotics are making it quite difficult.

In my defence though no one should be telling me s**t for I'm in no state of keeping any information right now, I mean I can't even remember half of the night unless someone tells me an event including me then that's when it starts to come back along with a bit of clarity but it's very short lived.

Though I do remember meeting their younger cousins too innocent to know why everyone's laughing so loud and becoming sloppy after each drink they have, yet once again their name's escape my mind.

"Hey do you know when this dinner is meant to be hap-"

"Come on everyone in the backyard! It's time for dinner! Lilith how are you enjoying yourself tonight?" Felicity grins as she steps into the shed and takes in the scene before her.

All night I've only caught glimpse of Felicity but now that I'm able to see her in full light I refrain from gawking for her outfit is something I never thought she'd wear with a soft rose pink and close fitting crop top, the neckline a heart shape with long puffy sleeves that tighten around at the wrists.

The piercing white pencil skirt with a slit up the side exposing more of her olive skin hugs tightly around her waist and covering the rest of her midsection the shirt refuses to reach, a Gucci belt helping to keep the skirt in place and of the same shade of white with a chain also wrapped around her waist underneath the belt, the end of the chain stopping a few inches below her skirt with a pair of matte rose pink stilettos.

"I guess you could say th-"

"Oh Lil don't be nervous, you will be fine. If it makes you feel better you don't have to say anything. All you have to do is enjoy my sister's cooking and atmosphere around yo-"

"C'mon Mum we're hungry." Lissa jumps in to save me from an awkward one on one with her Mum s***h my boss.

Better get used to this s**t.

"Alright well let's go then!" Felicity claps with a spin in her heel and direction repointed at the backyard where I can hear the others currently setting up for dinner, the others rushing out of the shed though I take my time to f**k around on my phone so no one judges me on my food piling or lack of.

"YAY! Now Lilith can see how weird we all are." Nessa states the last part on her way out more to the ears of her cousins and me, my heart skipping a beat while I wonder how weird they could be considering it is only dinner with a few more people added.

It's me who's going to be the weird one picking around the plate and pretending to eat. f**k I'd even go as far as mixing it with other foods to make it appear smaller. Or I could always ask to take it home later to eat depending on how good it looks as well as smells.

"You coming or staying here?" Josh pipes up from behind me as I busy myself with checking my phone for any messages, a habit I can't seem to shake thanks to Ray and Dian.

"Sorry I was just checking the time." I lie lamely with semi-heated cheeks and eyes avoiding long periods of contact for I still want them under the impression that I'm drunk and not off my face on MD.

Chuckling and leading the way out to the large dining setup where his family are currently all seated and waiting for more of the meals to be brought out, Nessa and her cousins helping Aisha and Bodhi with bringing out the large plates and bowls of food.

Being told I'm seated in between Nessa and Lissa by Declan after witnessing me stare around at the empty seats available long enough, his laugh and warm touch on my shoulder fills me with something I've never experienced before, a feeling of being wanted and a place I belong in.

I can say I'm now starting to know the meaning of what it's like to have a family that's not broken, a family that doesn't hurt me and brush it under the rug.

Not knowing how I'm going to go with eating since I'm not hungry right now, I try and make it noticeable that I'm keen for the food when Nia eventually joins me next to the seat where her sister is meant to be sitting, the girl grinning widely at my excitement for the food until she's asking how I'm liking the rest of her family.

"Um there's a lot of you, I will admit." I chuckle nervously at the sixty or so people all seating along the lengthy arse table.

"Well we are Italian, we tend to not have small families." she laughs as Nessa and Josh join our little conversation asking if we want anything to drink.

"Just another one of these?" I ask Josh as I hold up the small can he has a heap more stashed in his bag, Nia and Lissa busying Nessa with their drink orders while Josh makes every attempt to touch my skin in amongst grabbing the can from my grasp.

Not wanting to think too much into it for I don't think I could handle f*****g over both cousins in one night for it's not in my nature yet it's starting to feel that way, I beg Viper to come and slap some sense into me yet it never happens. I'm still a dumb cunt.

Relieved when Nessa comes back with the girl's drinks, they're instantly delving into a conversation with Nessa subtly going for my hand under the table, the feeling not as skin crawling as the first time and I'm starting to think that I'm slowly helping my brain realise that it isn't Erica that's touching me.

I mean for f**k sake I thought Nia and I were about to have a moment! Man I need to get off the f*****g drugs already.

Lacing my fingers in with hers and gently brushing my fingertips up and down the inside of her wrist, we're soon called to attention by Felicity and Adam standing at the head of the table with their wine glasses in hand, warm beaming smiles on their faces as their eyes scan the sea of faces around them and don't miss how they stop on me.

Thinking I'm reading too much into it, I drop my eyes to the linked hands of Nessa and I until feeling a light tap on my shoulder and presence behind me, my neck almost snapping due to how quick I whip around to see Josh holding out my can for me.

"Thank you." I whisper as Adam continues to thank and welcome his family for coming, my teeth snagging my bottom lip as I open the can slowly to try and minimalize the noise but to no avail, Josh quick to take the seat on the other side of his cousin Nia though don't miss the burning gaze in the side of my head.

"Lilith sweetheart could you please stand up for me?" Felicity chuckles instantly upon seeing my stunned face, only to mouth don't worry when she can sense my hesitancy from her position at the other end of the table.

"It's okay we just want to introduce you to everyone." Adam adds and automatically sense every eyeball in this backyard on me.

Taking a second to scan Adam's matching suit to those of the other males attending tonight's occasion only an alabaster shirt underneath helps him stand out a bit more, I can't help but feel like I'm being watched by eyes that aren't at the dinner table.

"H-hey." I squeak nervously after a second's encouragement from her girls and rise to meekly glance over everyone and suddenly I'm shrinking in my shoes with everything else towering over me.

So much for not talking...

"Hello Lilith." the crowd calls back amongst a few hey's, hi's and laughs from those I've already met throughout the night.

"We just wanted to officially welcome you to this family regardless if you've only known it for a short time. My daughters can't seem to get enough of you and I feel it's the same with Janessa and Josh. We hope after tonight you feel more at home and hope our crazy family haven't frightened you. We tend to get a bit loud but in saying that, tonight is a night to celebrate." Felicity starts off with the whole table deathly silent as they wait for her next words, Aisha and Bodhi then standing up with their husband's near the head of the table where Adam and Felicity currently stand as if readying to say something.

"As you all know in a few months' time is the big catch up where every member of the family from all corners of this town, will crawl out to attend. It's our biggest one yet only because the leader from our meat trading company will be down as well to either promote the family business or stop trading. We're on the cusp of a major breakthrough and it has been this family's blood, sweat and tears that have gotten us to where we are today. So we party a bit but not like we've made it just yet." Bodhi goes on with a grin when a few of the members move in their seats to try and distract themselves from the food steaming away in front of them.

"In saying that though I think we have left everyone waiting long enough, please dig in and enjoy the fruits of this family's labour as well as some quality meat." Aisha finishes with an ear splitting grin and eyes burning into mine, only to then point the attention back to the tall slicked back mousy brown haired male waiting for everyone that's currently smashing food on their plates.

"What exactly do we have here?" I squeak over at Nessa who's shovelling what appear to be meatballs and pasta on her plate.

"Well what I currently have are mozzarella stuffed meatballs and of course spaghetti my Mum made by hand. I always go for this when she sets it out at a family gathering considering my fat arse can't get enough of them. Over there we have chicken and mushroom ravioli. Umm mussel fettuccine with a killer Napoli sauce like after you eat this, you'll refuse the s**t in jars. Over near Aunty Aisha and Uncle Bronson is the chorizo, chargrilled eggplant and basil pizza. Hey Nia what else we have over your side?" Nessa questions the giggling girl who's too busy chattering away with Lissa and Josh.

"Chicken and mushroom baked risotto, umm I think cauliflower, pancetta and pangratto macaroni bake hang on let me sniff. Yep that's the bake. Oh lemon and garlic prawn spaghetti, spinach and ricotta cannelloni aaaand mushroom Ragu with that creamy polenta s**t I hate." she reels off before seating down once she's named every dish on the table.

"Then there's dessert." Josh snorts from his position at the table and instantly my stomach wants to die at the mentioning of having to eat dessert as well.

Man I wish Luca didn't give me so many caps, my greedy arse still hasn't learnt that you don't have to take all the drugs at once. But in my defence, it has been that long that the excitement of doing drugs again is the exact same feeling as doing them again for the first time.

Halfway through my thoughts on Luca and my toxic love for narcotics a heavy presence falls over me and swear I hear a few people gasp around the table, my eyes once again open and subtly trying to look around just in case it was all in my head and I make a scene for no reason.

Hoping it really is the MD and I'm overreacting Nessa is suddenly getting my attention along with Lissa when they're asking why I'm not eating, my head nodding quickly with a forced our apologetic smile and flurry of words on how I was seeing what else I wanted to add to my empty plate.

More conversations switching between English and Italian continue to spur on over dinner as I attempt to make a quick decision on what I want to avoid being questioned again for my lack of food on my plate, I end up throwing some cannelloni on my plate followed by some of those meatballs Nessa was on about but still can't shake that heavy hostile vibe that's been following me around a lot lately.

Once again calming myself by stating that it's all in my head, I still can't shake the nagging thought of hearing someone gasp as soon as the intense energy entered before the said presence soon subsides into nothing.

A subtle breath of relief pushes past my lips when I realise that whatever that was is over and wonder when the next one will come since they've become more and more frequent, though I will admit it was the most intense one I've felt yet and I thought I already knew what pure rage felt like on first encountering this energy.

Weird, it only starts up when I'm in the presence of Nessa or her family. But then again that could be my anxiety stopping me from being able to socialise normal around new people. Then again why haven't I felt this presence in the past?

Not wanting to think on it further I slowly start picking around the plate and making sure I keep the others distracted while I squish my food into a smaller size, Nessa taps me on the shoulder to gain my attention and throw another worried look at me.

"I'm fine Nessa see I'm eat-"

"I know just checking." she informs across me with a smug grin and nudge to my side.

"Yeah right." I chuckle nervously and try to taste some of the food since it does smell pretty f*****g good, the first bite bringing back that hostile energy again and this time I'm almost cowering back in my seat as if someone's bent over me and deadest screaming in my face.