Stellam Matutinam

That Went Well

Finishing my cigarette in peace out the back of the café that spills out into an alleyway, I rise from the small rounded outdoor table accompanied by two chairs of the same metal with peeling white paint I spent nearly the entire half an hour break picking at, I butt out the burning dart into the semi-filled glass ashtray and make my way back to the kitchen's back entrance.

I get about three steps in when the backdoor flies open and just clips the tip of my nose, Nessa's pissed expression instantly paling and turning to one of fear.

"f**k man I'm so-"

"I honestly would've deserved the thing in my face."

"No Lil you wouldn't have it's me who does. I've been such a cunt to you that-look don't get mad at Josh but he told me why you did what you did last night. I'm not pissed but I'm upset I was never told though I understand why. It doesn't change anything between us friendship wise but I think we both need to stop for now so you can work out whether you're ready or not. But judging by you and J-"

"Nessa I don't think I could choose either of you right now. I'm that f****d up with my o-"

"Then tell me Lil I want to help you! Please if you saw the way I'm handling the information about you being sexually abused by your female ex's in the past, then why can't you see how I can handle the rest of your demons?"

"Because there are just some things about me that's worth not sha-"

"For f**k sake Lil you act as if no one could handle the s**t you've been thro-"

"That's because I was f*****g raped and abused by my f*****g foster sister!" I blurt out and instantly regret it for I've blown my cover, the only thing I agreed to never release to anyone in my new life and yet here we are.

FUCK! I f*****g HATE DRUGS! f**k!

Scrunching my hands in my face and pushing my knuckles into my eyes as if to try and hold back the tears, it doesn't help when Nessa only wraps her arms around my head and presses my hand covered face into her beating chest, the pounding of hers resembling mine and reminding me that this news isn't big just for me.

"Lilly I'm so f*****g sorry, I'm so." yet her choked sentence dies in the back of her throat when I'm removing my moist hands from my face to return her squeezed embrace.

"Please I haven't told any-"

"I won't tell anyone. I assume the story Josh knows is a half-truth for you never had abusive female ex's, it was your foster sister that did this to you. Is that why you moved? Is Viper even real or was that a cover for what really happened?" she presses though I can tell she really wants to know why I keep running away from her, something I can't hate her for.

"No Viper was real, I met her in the hospital and we dated in secret for a bit before she took her own life in there. She was the one to help me slowly get over Erica but she never helped me heal fully after her death and I think that's why all of this s**t is returning every time we get intimate. Anyway Erica is actually four years older than me and not a younger sibling at all but yes she was the one that did it to me. She does get everything she wants however, including the side of her parents. That part's true." I pause to catch a hitched breath as fresh tears start stinging the back of my eyes, only I'm taking every bit of strength in me to keep them at bay.

If I'm going to start telling people this s**t, then I better get a grips on the tears and start telling the story as a survivor now. My battle is over and I no longer have to go back, so why keep it a secret when sometimes the best thing is to let out some of the things eating you up inside.

"f**k Li-"

"They locked me up in the Sunshine Cove Mental Hospital and convinced them I had schizophrenia once I told them about what Erica was doing to me. They then saw all of the drugs in my system and started to second guess once they also did tests on me and nothing came up. So they locked me away for a few years up until a few days I was released. I was sent back to live with my foster parents Ray and Dian since my real parents couldn't have me thanks to drugs. Erica used to tell me that my real parents overdosed years ago and that no one had the balls to tell me. Anyway when I got back home Erica was there and she tried to pick up where we last left off." I finish over her and collapse my shaky form back down in the metal chair, the thing scraping along the concrete until smacking against the brick wall behind me.

What the f**k Lilith, what the f**k have you done? She's clearly not ready for this much but why do I keep coughing it up like it's nothing?

Fuck it feels like I'm back in therapy with Becca...

"What happened?" she demands a little more nervously than anything for I bet this poor chick doesn't know what I'm capable of right now, Nessa slowly pulling away so I'm able to look up at her.

As far as she's concerned I could've killed Erica and that's why I'm on the run.

The longing feeling I have to feel her arms around me again only clarifies that things between us will get better, for the first time since meeting Nessa I'm actually seeing her nut brown eyes and not the chilling dark stare of Erica's. As if my confession has lifted the veil in some way.

"Well I got away of course, slept the night in a park then hitch hiked my way here thanks to a lovely elderly couple I still hope to thank one day. But yeah you can see why I don't really have a problem with guys. That's not true it's only the ones that pinned me down at the hospital and sedated me after every visit from Ray and Dian with their news on how Erica misses me. It would send me on a f*****g rampage so the doctors banned their visits for a while and told them not to mention Erica if they were to come back. Buuut we go back to my real parents and I have no clue on where they are only the foster parents loved to rub in the fact that I'm going down the same drugged up path as my parents. So I guess that's why I do drugs because it's the closest thing I can think of in being with them in a way. In saying that if they're alive I'd like to know if they'd be ready to have me back." I finish off though without the tears this time for the MD is helping me keep it together in some way, only I wish I still kept it together before but instead blurted my past about Erica.

Just when I think my heart can't take anymore, a warm and relaxing sensation begins making its way through and around me, instantly reminding me of Luca for some reason since it was the same energy I copped from him the longer I sat in his car.

"Fuuuck Lil so much is making sense now. f**k! How could I have been so insensi-"

"Nessa you didn't know." I cut across her and instantly her watery eyes are spilling over with a few tears, my sleeve covered thumbs reaching up to wipe at the tears ruining her beautiful makeup as Nessa chuckles and holds my trembling hands to her cheeks.

Still enveloped in that protective bubble I wish had been around when I was being screamed at by an unseen force, I suddenly start looking around for Luca and feel the warmth around me shoot up a few degrees, my heart slamming hard against my chest thanks to a weird adrenaline brought on by an even weirder warm flush full of butterflies.

"I know Lilly but I still feel like a cunt." she sniffs then squeezes her eyes shut to stop more incoming tears.

"Please don't, just be happy you now know so we can move on and put this behind us. I really do like you Nessa and I really want this to work between us." I reassure her and rub the moist matches underneath her bloodshot eyes.

"I know and all I'm saying is Lil, I'm more than happy to give you your spa-" only my lips cut across her sentence my ears refuse to hear the rest of.

"What t-"

"I just wanted to know if it was going to be this f****d for me for the rest of my life. I don't think I could handle destroying what we have." I choke out through more threatening tears and witness as she cups the side of my face.

Just like a blanket the protective blanket is gone and suddenly I'm sensing that weird dreading feeling of something big coming, only to have my ears ringing seconds later and fear run through me like I'm once again being scolded, my hands almost latching on to Nessa's trembling body for dear life.

"And we won't Lil I assure you, but you can't keep f**k-ah f**k it." she murmurs then smashes her lips to mine with the same fierceness as I kissed her, my tears moistening her cheeks further as our kisses deepen and bodies merging harder together, the ringing in my ears and fear in my heart slowly dissipating until disappearing for good and leaving me yet again wondering what the f**k just happened.

"Small steps at a time." I breathe as memory shards of Erica try to surface and also ruin the moment between Nessa and I yet to no avail. I'm fighting more than ever to keep them from ruining this moment since this is what Viper would have wanted for me. She would have wanted me to be happy and live my life without the fear of Erica and if Nessa can do that, then she has finished what Viper started.

No one has ever tried fighting for my attention this hard and the way she looked when she caught me and Josh in bed together actually brought tears to my eyes. I f*****g destroyed her and in doing that f****d with me.

My biggest secret is out and it's out thanks to me. I just didn't know how much of an instant change it would have since it was only last night I was running away from her, running away from the fact that Erica was still ruining my chances of being happy.

Yet now that Nessa knows about Erica it seems as if it's helped my brain realise that not all girls are Erica, as if now unlocked a new step into our relationship I'd never thought I'd get over let alone pursue since I was so willing to give the both of them up.

Man I have such a weak f*****g heart right now...

Breaking away we stay connected at the forehead for a few moments, our eyes closed and just enjoying being in each other's company, a warm feeling filling up my entire being for the first time since being with Josh. Only difference is I'm not leaking guilt as well.

Josh has to understand that yes we share our drugs secret but Nessa and I share something much deeper and I think it's enough to stay with Nessa. But then again who f*****g knows at this point.

"You know that if you need a place to hide or whatever if things get too mu-"

"Thank you Nessa, you have no idea how much you have relieved my stress." I sniff before pulling away and wiping the stray tears away with the un-drenched part of my sleeves.

"You have no idea how much you have relieved mine. Now you better get back in there before Aunty Bodhi comes out and yells at you." she winks which instantly has me grinning and rolling my eyes.

"Oh whatever but this isn't over!" I declare with a pointed finger in her direction she only waves off then fishes for her cigarettes from her handbag currently on the table.

"Mmhmm." she hums though I don't miss her smug look just as I step through the kitchen's backdoor and continue on with my job, this time with a skip in my step for all is right with the world now.

*

"You did bloody awesome today Lil, I'll make sure Felicity knows she did good in choosing you to work here. I also have to say when you sweep next time though darling. Make sure you get more underneath the register and whatnot out the front. Only because then we won't get a built up of s**t underneath but other than that you're cleaning skills and whatnot are awesome." Bodhi explains in the office area type bit once it's my time to clock off, my bag in hand whilst Nessa and Lissa have a giggle of their own in the kitchen.

"Thank you Bodhi and if I'm going to be honest I may have rushed the sweeping a bit because there was a customer that needed to be served and the girls were busy. But still, no excuse and will make sure to not rush it next time." I confess when the memory's recalled and also remember how annoyed I was at myself that I rushed my job for a snobby customer.

"That's fine Lil I'm glad you know customers come first. Have a good afternoon though darl and it was good seeing you again, I'm sure I'll see you sometime this week anyway." she goes on as Nessa slowly approaches us, my stress on Bodhi knowing about what happened between her daughter and I no longer drowning me as well for I feel like my paranoia had gotten a hold of me for sure today.

I just hope the drugs don't wear off and I'm back to hating Nessa's touches again...

"Ah you're clocking off too?" Bodhi beams at her daughter who's scribbling her hours down on the same bit of paper I did.

"Yeah Lil and I finish at the same time." Nessa beams back before going for her bag on the hook a few away from mine.

"Okay cool, well good seeing you today honey." Bodhi goes on whilst giving Nessa a tight hug in a way as if they're not going to see each other for a while.

"You too Mum, say hi to Dad for me since you always see him first." Nessa states as she scans around to make sure she hasn't forgotten anything.

"Will do darling, bye again Lilly I'll see you next time." Bodhi says when we start making our way out of the office area and towards the front counter.

"No worries and bye Bodhi. Enjoy the rest of your afternoon." I wave as we push through the kitchen door and spill out behind the counter where Nia and Lissa are currently tidying up the coffee machine and area around it where the ground coffee beans have made a caked on layer of coffee dust.

"You too." Nessa and I wave in unison, only to laugh and call jinx with Bodhi shaking her head and grinning.

Leaving the shop with a sigh of finishing my first day at work successfully, Nessa goes on to tell me how proud of me she is and the good work I did around the café today.

"I thought I honestly f****d everything up." I admit when I think back to the small mistakes with the register.

"Nooo not at all, it was good having someone there who actually listened to what we have to say instead of just ignoring us and leaving the hard jobs to us. Like we had this one girl who came in, did f**k all besides the dishes and wiped benches but when it actually came time to work, she'd disappear." she snorts as if it happened today, meaning the anger she has against this chick dates the incident only recent.

"f**k that cunt, I would've lost my s**t if I was working there at that time." I snicker and let my hair down from its restraints.

"Oh I did, she wasn't here long." she grumbles the last part as she starts up the engine then turns back to me.

"What?" I chuckle nervously when she doesn't say anything let alone move her eyes from me.

"Where to, mine or yours?" she asks with a giggle sounding in her tone, clearly amused by how she can make me weirdly nervy sometimes.

"Oh, ah mine if you want? I have clothes I forgot to take out of the dryer and need to put new ones in. Besides we can chill for a bit since I don't have much else on." I put in a way one does in an awkward situation they're trying to be chilled in, a small pout on the end to ensure that it's only brainstorming at the moment yet she seems to be on board.

"Cool, yours it is." I laugh as she pulls the car out and begins the journey to my place, the entire time the both of us gossiping about the customers we served today and which one was the biggest fuckhead.

"Man I can't get over how big this place is." Nessa comments once we've found the parking spot meant for my apartment since I don't have a car, and start the small journey up to my room in the left building.

"Yeah it takes me a bit but not too long to get to my room. I mean you've been here before so you know all about it." I sigh and swerve my way through the throng of people to the elevator I need to take to my room, Nessa silent the whole time since she's too busy taking in the lush lobby of the large apartment building.

Once we've made it onto the needed floor I feel a sense of relief as home begins calling my name, a place I haven't spent much time in lately for I keep f*****g off for either the entire day or night.

Gliding the lock into the door, it gives off a satisfying click until opening it and noticing all of my s**t has been strewn through the entire apartment, tears instantly welling in my eyes as bits of my heart I'd repaired come undone.

"Oh no." Nessa gasps with a hand slapped over her mouth, my feet taking more inching hesitant steps into the apartment to see if anything has been stolen for it clearly looks like someone has been trying to look for something.

"If nothing is taken I'm not going to be as pissed, but what the f**k?" I growl in anger and hastily rub my hands down my face, as if trying to wipe the scene from my eyes but to no avail. My trashed apartment isn't going anywhere and it's up to me to get something done about it.

"Let's just, call the Police f-"

"No! Because this could be my foster parents looking for me." I cut across her with wide eyes and shaky heaving chest.

"Oh f**k if I had a place for you to move in right now I would give it to you! Um f**k let me think. Oh how about Nia, Lissa, Josh and I stay over here tonight? So if it is your foster parents we can hide you and say that they have been misinformed. But don't worry you won't have to tell the others why they're really coming here tonight. I'll just say someone broke in and you needed our company for the night. As for whoever might come to the door tonight, we will take care of that." she assures me with her hands now on my shoulders, my head nodding quickly as I rush over the plan in my head and think it's the best we have for now.

"Thank you for doing this Nessa, it means a lot." I half-smile even though all I want to do right now is break down and cry, regardless if I can stay at Nessa's it's still annoying that they've found me already. That's if it's them anyway...

"It's alright Lil, now go and have a shower. I know I want one after a long day at work." she states whilst fishing for her phone in her pocket and following behind me to the now upturned L shaped ivory couch where I'm motioning for her to get comfortable as best as she can on flipped up furniture.

"Alright well I won't be long, cheers for that you're right I do need a shower. If anything happ-"

"I'll let you know." she chuckles across me and take that as my cue to leave when she starts rearranging the furniture back for me, stinging tears attacking the back of my eyes and forcing everything in me to fight them back.

Heading to my room and kicking my shoes off, I don't take long to take the socks off and feel the instant coolness of the ashen marble tile beneath my sweaty feet, my body temperature dialling down a few degrees and further when I hear the air conditioner being turned on.

With the fluffiness of the cream carpet distracting my thoughts for a few seconds I end up throwing my duffle bag on the king sized bed that's been moved to the side and knocked over the bedside tables in the process.

It takes me a few seconds to head over to the built in robe that's been yanked with all of my items spread from one corner of my room to the other, my shaky hands picking out in the small piles of strewn clothes something decent that's also on the light side since I'm sweating like f**k in this long sleeve, my nose giving my armpits a sniff and almost dying at the smell.

Maybe I should have reapplied the deodorant at work, but f**k I didn't even know I smelled that bad. Wait, why am I more concerned about my B.O when my s**t has been broken into?

Taking with me a clean pair of underwear, socks, tracksuit pants that tighten around the ankles and a singlet I plan on throwing a cardigan over the top since that's the lightest long sleeve item I have in the jumper range. I head to the bathroom with Nessa's voice floating down the small hallway where I currently stand to see who she's talking too only her voice is that faint I'm finding it hard to figure out who.

Shrugging it off I step back into the bathroom and gently click the door shut behind me, the sweaty clothes from today quickly hitting the floor in favour of letting the rest of my sweat covered body breathe.

Taking a moment to pick up the items the person or people dropped all over the place and reputing them back where they belong, I sense the drugs I had earlier before work starting to wear off and now all I want to do is sleep since I haven't had f**k all of it lately.

Enjoying the slight breeze the blasting water's giving off, it doesn't last long when the hot water kicking in and it's my cue to jump in.

Adjusting the water to how I want it, I take my time in my routine for the water's therapeutic for me right now, the pelting stream massaging my back muscles I know will annoy the f**k out of me tomorrow.

Eventually exiting the shower reeking of Vanilla, cinnamon and Shea butter, I don't f**k around with getting myself dried and dressed when I hear a knock at the door and Nessa calling out that she's getting it.

With my heart in my throat and brain begging whoever's listening that it's her cousins and not the Police, my thoughts are put to rest when I pick up the familiar voices of Nia and Lissa before Josh's and suddenly my adrenaline spikes again.

Okay I didn't expect him to be here. I know I said I wouldn't be awkward but now I am considering what happened between Nessa and I. f**k here we go again, I'm back to not being able to choose! Why the f**k do I like them both? Can't one of them just call it quits since I have waaay too much baggage for one person?