Stellam Matutinam

Happy Days

"So this is my humble abode." I start up as I open the door and silently pray it hasn't been broken into, my silent prayers answered when it appears the exact way I left it.

"Very nice, a lot bigger than I thought." he admits the further he walks in and assesses the grand view my balcony has to offer.

"Thank you but I'll be a little more excited to see what my new place is gonna look like. It's what kept me so long in the back of the shop. I was actually talking to my boss about it since she's the one with the spare house to rent." I explain further as we make ourselves comfortable in the lounge room, Luca pulling his backpack I didn't know he'd been carrying from his back to set it down next to him and begin rifling through its contents.

"Here, you almost forgot this." he adds with a chuckle when he pulls out the bong and witnesses as I start to wig out a bit.

"f**k I forgot about that, I'm more concerned about the fact that I was too gaked to realise you even brought a bag with you." I admit and instantly his chuckle turns into a full blown laugh.

"This is why I like hanging with you, no one has made me laugh like this in ages. But to answer your question you were in the shower when I got the bag ready for my little visit over here. So in your defence you didn't see me put your bong in the bag. As for you not seeing me bring the bag with me to the car, that's definitely because you were a little scatter brained." he states whilst getting himself comfortable on the L shaped couch before pulling out what appears to be a half bag of weed, a smug grin on his face when my jaw drops at his comment.

"Well first of all f**k you. I blame your dope drugs for that and my lack of sleep on your snoring since not only am I scattered but I'm also a little sleep deprived. Second of all you're lucky I like hanging with you too. Nah but in all seriousness though, it's good to see I make you happy." I grin when he starts dying down to chuckles again.

"Oh yeah well that's funny because I recall you were the one snoring and it was me who ended up capping up the rest of the MD to escape it. Now here's that weed I said I'd get you. I think that's what we were talk-"

"Get f****d! You could have moved me to the cou-"

"I was only joking, I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd do that while I waited for you to get up again." he finishes with a subtle nudge with his knee against mine, my eyes rolling in return though I don't miss the way my being's loving all of this flirting.

To be honest I thought it would have taken me a lot more to open up to new people and trust them the way I'm doing now. At some points I think I've moved too fast and wish I didn't make friends with the people I work with, then I calm myself with thoughts on how I have to keep coming out of the shell I crawled into back in Sunshine Cove, and that me moving at the pace I am is natural since I was away from freedom for so long.

Granted the grieving for Viper is still there but it doesn't haunt me as bad for I now have more than doctors and white walls to distract me. More than the people I met in group therapy and their stories of how they ended up there.

"See that's what you should have said the first time." I point out dryly with a raised eyebrow and mouth formed into a smirk.

"Ah f**k me." he groans into his hands before his cornflower stare is back on me and taking my attention hostage once more.

"Anywho, thanks Luca for the weed, you didn't have to." I squeak out after breaking eye contact with him in fear of him being able to read my mind and know exactly how much I want him to kiss me right now.

No. Bad Lilith.

"I know but it's my job as a dealer. That and I like to make an effort for the customers I care about, well in your case you're more than a customer." he adds casually though I don't miss the way his cheeks turn a gentle pink, a goofy grin trying to form across my lips the more I replay his words over in my head and eventually a flirty laugh comes rolling out.

"Mate with the amount of s**t that's happened already I'd say we are more than just on a customer dealer basis." I confirm and rise up from my position on the couch to get started with getting water into the bong.

"Did you want me to do that?" he offer whilst getting up, only to sit back down when I shake my head.

"No it's fine I need to grab something to eat anyway. I don't think I've eaten much this past week." I confess and attempt to think back to the last thing I ate, my stomach growling painfully at the thought of food and confirming that it's been more than twenty-four hours.

No wonder I'm so f*****g scattered as Luca said before.

"I thought so. You are looking a bit pale. f**k you should have said something and I could have b-"

"Nooo, no more buying me s**t! Trust me I have plenty of food here in my apartment. Did you want anything though? I'm sure you're probably just as hungry as me." I assure over him with his comment about him not caring about money slowly creeping up to remind me only I really couldn't care at this point. I really don't want him thinking that every time I see him he has to fork out money for me, regardless of how many times he tells me not to worry about it.

"I should be fine thanks Lil, you sure you don't want me to? I mean you then can focus on getting yourself something to eat?" he offers and for a second I still want to turn him down in order for me to fulfil my hostess duties, though the thought of him probably hanging for a cone suddenly enters my head and I'm now leaning towards his offer.

"Sure I mean you probably don't wanna wait ten years for a cone." I point out which he's quickly shutting down with his argument of him not wanting me to throw up all over the place.

"Fine, you can use the laundry sink." I state with a hand direction him in the area of where it is.

"Sweet won't be long." he beams whilst rising his form to its towering height.

Chuckling at his goofy smile I make it to the kitchen and stare at the fridge's contents for a few moments before moving on to the cupboard then back again.

Deciding on an energy drink and grabbing out the last two since I know he'd want a drink later, I also slap together a sandwich and hope the vegemite will settle my churning stomach a bit though I can't say much about the energy drink, that I will have to wait and see how they go on my gut.

Scoffing half of it in the kitchen since eating around others is something I'm still not used to, I decide on finishing it in here when the thought of him hearing me eat almost puts me off my food completely.

Look I'm probably as quiet as a church mouse when I eat, but the fear of being judged on how I eat actually f***s with me to the point where I will refuse to eat in general.

I guess it all started when I was first given over to Ray and Dian's care. I was a chubby kid back then and still was a bit chubby before I hit the drugs hard. Even now when I look at myself I wonder if I let myself go a bit in hospital regardless of how many times they drilled into me that my weight is healthy for my age.

But back to how my fear of eating around others came about, it was Erica of course who made it hard for me to eat in peace as a kid. Like who tells a six year old they're fat or slow down your food isn't going anywhere? It cuts deep and there's nothing that can bring you out of that, no matter how many people assure you that no one is watching.

So for years not only did I deal with her exploring her s****l desires out on me, but I also copped mental abuse and that's why I find a few things hard to cope with like eating in front of Luca for instance.

Stuffing the memories down with the rest of my sandwich, I make it back to the lounge room to discover the TV's on more cooking shows are playing, a subtle wave of relief flowing through me when I realise that my face isn't on the screen with a big 'MISSING' over my forehead.

"Ah good I was wondering what took you so long, did you even have anything to eat?" he frowns when his eyes land on the two drinks in my hands.

"Yeah I ate it in the kitchen, here I got you one of these." I smile and offer the drink in his direction which he takes without a second's hesitation.

See, I knew he would want one.

"Oh cheers, you know you didn't have to." he goes on when I take a seat in the one I'm realising is my usual one I go to when people are over for it's in the middle and directly in front of the coffee table.

"Yep but if I remember the car trip from last night you ended up sharing my drink with me." I point out with a smirk, Luca shrinking back in the couch a bit with a cute pouted grin and chin raised a little in the air.

"Alright, fair." he concludes and now chuckles along with me when I begin packing myself a cone.

After a few moments of silence apart from the cooking show playing in the background, we then kick off another conversation about what other shows we like to watch as well as him coming over to check out my new place once I've settled in.

With that I'm now thinking back to Nia and Lissa and the fear of what they might say to Nessa and Josh. Will they say anything or will they trust me enough to not alarm their cousins of a new guy hanging around me? Either way only time will tell on that one.

"So these new friends of yours, are they a good crowd to hang around with? I only ask because you knew them before we met that's all." he explains when he catches me subtly freeze up for a split second before relaxing as I try and think more positive s**t about Nia and Lissa much to my gut warning me that I might have f****d things up with them today by bringing him.

I get why they would be angry but who the f**k warns someone about their cousins possibly f*****g with them? Like you'd think you would understand as to why I'm pulling away from them the way I am by hanging out with new people. But then to come back and tell me to forget it because she was drunk and didn't want to see me get hurt?

I'm sorry but I am still taking that warning on board for if it was something for me to not worry about then why bring it to my attention in the first place? What is she jealous of her cousins or something? Because if she is then maybe she would have gotten her f*****g chance if she had of spoken up!

Then again I'm not some two cent w***e to be shared around the family so I guess she really has lucked out since if she thought telling me that s**t about her cousins will get my attention off them and onto her, then she has another thing coming to her.

Wanting to tell him all about the situation I'm in and how I'm glad he didn't sleep with me because right now I'm not a very strong willed person when it comes to situations with s*x written all over them, I refrain from doing so in favour of spewing more lies of how they are when in reality I'm still working that out myself.

Well not so much, they are good people like f**k they're renting me a place, got me a job and are pretty much getting me off of my feet much like a family would. But what stops me from getting more involved with them is the fact that they're so close and my history with already two of their members. One farts and everyone else hears about it. I can't have that, not with the secrets I carry.

Fuck, they aren't secrets anymore if people know about them. Two to be exact and one knowing more than the other, well that's what I was lead to believe anyway.

"Yeah they're awesome I mean as you can see they're helping me out a lot right now. But the two you met today are sisters and are actually related to the boss as well. So pretty much what I have gathered about them and their family is, there are a lot of them in this town. That's why I asked if you were related to them." I continue on with my distressing thoughts slowly ebbing to the back of my churning mind for now so I can chew over it later when I'm meant to be in bed sleeping.

"Ah makes more sense now, I mean the girl at the counter was speaking Italian to me and it sort of threw me off until I realised that she knew where my accent was from." he goes on as his eyes retreat back to I assume the conversation we had about him possibly being related to them.

"Oh Nia." he states in a manner as one would when finally able to name something that's escaped them all day.

"Ah-huh the overly giddy one." I laugh but don't miss the giggle trying to drip its way in there at the fact that he's just as bad as me at remembering s**t.

"Yeah, sorry I'm bad with remembering names." he chuckles awkwardly though something in his voice tells me that's a lie. He just didn't give a f**k.

Not wanting to think more on it we change the subject to what he's going to do when he leaves here, his plans still the usual deal and travel around to make half of his deals only there will be sleep involved for him this time since he didn't get any last night.

"Good I was wondering if you ever slept." I grin and observe as he takes another sip of his drink.

"I get enough let's just say that." he smirks and instantly the look he's wearing right now has my stomach knotting up and mouth going dry.

Why does he give off the impression that he probably sleeps as much as I eat in front of people? Because if that were true, he'd be dead.

"Oh God I don't even wanna know." I murmur and begin packing myself another cone with the last of the mix we chopped back at his place.

"Trust me, God knows and he fears me." he states but don't miss the slight seriousness that sheens over his eyes like a clear film.

"You and God aren't friends I take it?" I chuckle awkwardly in unison with chalking up the reasons why God should fear me and come out empty handed. It is God who has made me fear everyone and thing around me.

I'm sorry but I share the same hatred with Luca towards our so called holy creator, I f*****g hate him for giving me the s**t start in life I have had, like what the f**k did I do in my past life to deserve this? Was I f*****g Hitler?

It's also stupid to really believe one divine being is capable of so much. If he was so kind and loving, why put rape and murder into the world? Why mark others as damned before they can work that out themselves by giving them temptations of child molestation and abuse of all kinds? Why create sick minds and put them into the heads of your beloved children?

"That obvious?" he goes on and cracks an even wider smile, my expression matching his oddly for deep down I want to scream and tell God to go f**k himself in many different ways. I just wish I was given the side of God others love and praise him for.

"Well I don't blame you. He and I aren't on talking terms either." I mumble with my eyes down at the bong waiting patiently to be used, a sort of grunted snort sounding in the back of his throat and it takes me a second to realise that's him agreeing with me.

"Don't worry, you aren't missing out on much." he grunts and for some reason that brings out another snigger from me.

"You don't say. I'd probably have more luck talking with the Devil than I would with him. Pfft even then probably not since he's probably giving the cunt tips on how to further f**k up my life." I chortle when I imagine sitting down with the Devil and asking him why God does what he does.

"Lilly you are almost right with that. It's actually his second in command." he winks with a devilish grin cracking across his lips and for a split second I'm wondering if he is this second in command, only to write it off when thoughts of that actually being true has me laughing hard internally.

I personally don't care who it is that's helping me now, but it's good to know I'm finally being watched over.

A phone ringing has our conversation brought to a halt for a moment while he fishes for his phone, my brain half expecting him to leave since it's probably an important deal, only to surprise me when he stays but don't miss how he changes it to his mother tongue.

Waiting patiently for him to finish his phone call, I observe subtly from the corner of my eye how the call is going and find his face and posture is hard to read for they're very blank and casual, my mind wondering if he will be talking like that with Nia and the others the next time I bring him over. That's if things with Nessa and Josh haven't already fallen to more s**t by Nia and Lissa beating me to it and informing their cousins of whom I was with today.

Who knows what will be said and if I will end up getting this house. Felicity could turn around and call the whole thing off due to what I've done. But then again she can't hate me for her daughter and nephew weren't exactly playing fair.

If I'm going off what I was told by Nia regardless of how much she wants me to ignore it, then I'm sticking to my gut feeling that something is happening between Nessa and Josh and it's got to do with me.

I only started to really notice it once Nia said when I sat back and thought about the way Nessa reacted when she found me in Josh's bed and the way Josh was when I said I couldn't choose between the both after going back and forth a couple of times.

Call it premeditated karma, if you will.

"Sorry about that, that was my cousin back home letting me know that Mum and Dad are okay. But I do have to get going only because I have to make it to the other side of the city in a few hours. One of my dealers wants me to meet one of his trusted contacts since he can no longer push anymore. Everything will be okay, it's just they want to drag me more into their s**t since I have a whole life time to pay off this debt." he explains in a bored manner even though deep down I know he wants to f**k it all off and start again.

"Well if you ever need company again, let me know." I offer sheepishly and take a sip of my drink to try and play off my offer as nothing but friendly, only when he reaches out to grab my hand in his large one I know for a fact he wants more than just friendly company.

He already stated that last night and trust me, I thought there were moments where I thought he was going to cave but he didn't and he kept his word much like I dialled back on the hints of wanting him on top of me.

"I will trust me. If I could bring you along to this one I would, but I don't even know this guy and I don't want to risk anything happening to you, you know?" he goes on with worry creeping into his eyes as his brain can only imagine what's waiting for him.

"Yeah I know, thanks for watching out for me. I just wish I could do the same for you." I blurt lowly before I can stop myself, another rush of MD hitting my system only I'm too serious right now to really sit back and enjoy the euphoric wave of intense serotonin being released.

"Thanks for letting me but believe me when I say this, you're helping me keep my nose clean by having these random meet ups. Like the last time we met up I spent the time actually giving a f**k about things only because I knew you'd be pissed if something happened and I didn't come back." he assures me with a cocky grin to show how much he apparently knows me and to be honest, I would be pissed if he just randomly stopped talking to me. I guess he just knows how to not piss a woman off.

"Oh yeah, and what gave you that impression?" I shoot back with a smug smirk to see what he has to say even though I'm pretty sure I told him yesterday I was a bit worried about him and the s**t life has dealt him.

"Do I really have to go into that?" he questions as he shares a knowing look with me and instantly I'm confirming he's also remembering our conversation from before. That or he's able to read my mind.

"No okay you got me but seriously, you've been a good boy because of me?" I go on and observe as that slight pink tinge recolour his palish cheeks.

"Sort of. Let's just say I've second guessed a lot of s**t since meeting you. There were times where you'd randomly pop up into my mind every time I'd drive past the part of the forest we met up in, then I'd wonder why when you were only a customer. Then I'd remember how nice and different you were from all of the girls I had met in the past for you didn't cling on to me when you found out I was a dealer, and you didn't run or make snide remarks about my job. Like if I'm honest the s**t you found out about me last night I was tossing up a bit between wiping you or letting you into my f****d up and dangerous life. It's why I couldn't sleep because I really didn't want to ruin your life because of mine." he confesses and subtly feel my smirk falter into a half-smile.

"Really, what made you decide to keep seeing me then?" I ask gently then tuck a stray of russet hair behind my stretched ear so I'm able to focus in on him and not the strands of hair slowly making their way into my line of vision.

"Well I couldn't shake off how we met, there was something that night telling us both to go there at the time we did. And even after that night I still managed to bump into you randomly I mean you didn't even message me for any more drugs like I half-expected you to. You've been trying to shove money in my face since day dot and I don't think no one has done that willingly other than people who are buying off me." he explains with the same gentle smile on his face, his large inked up hands fiddling around with the hem of his shirt much like I do when I'm nervous as f**k stepping out of my comfort zone in the feelings department.

Laughing with him as we imagine me shoving handfuls of bills into his face, I sense that we're going into touchy territory, well have been heading full force into that area for a bit now. My mind however is still wrapped up in the fact that he was thinking about wiping me after telling me about his family.