Stellam Matutinam

Do I or Don't I?

Enjoying the last rays of sun whilst I can and inhaling my last cigarette for a while nice and deep as music from another apartment starts up to announce that the weekend has started, my mind suddenly trails back to the drugs I was contemplating on buying the other day and how a joint or even a bong regardless of how much I'd cough in the end, would be good right now. Maybe some MD but we'll see how everything goes and what exactly my dealer can get his hands on, that's also if I can find said dealer.

With my list of things to do piling up in my mental checklist I still don't write it off as it being hard as it will be to getting a new set of I.D papers and whatever else I need to get me through life, my mind distracted by my cigarette on the verge of being finished and hand reaching for the phone in my cardigan pocket.

Knowing I can't keep my phone there and having it in my bra isn't also a go ahead since I have my purse to bring as well, I decide to make a quick trip back down the street for a handbag I can use to carry my things in for the night since all I have is a duffle bag, yet I make it about ten steps towards the front door when there's a light knock at the door.

With my heart skipping a beat and knowing instantly it's Nessa for it's been a while since she's messaged back, I glide across the floor and towards where Nessa currently waits for me, a grin present on my face when I open the door though feel it suddenly pull into a nervous smile upon seeing her form.

She's as breathtaking as ever with her ridiculously long near jet black locks wrapped up into a bun and lightly tanned face painted with light eyeshadow, f**k all eyeliner and a tad of mascara to enhance her full lashes.

A bit of blush tops off her naturally unblemished complexion with her arm tattoos and large piece on her chest displayed thanks to the crop top she also decided to wear this evening and putting me at slight ease for I won't be the only one exposing a bit of skin tonight, regardless if I have a cardigan and stockings to cover up.

Her crop top however is a strapless one and a deep royal blue with a heart shaped neckline, hugging tightly underneath the breasts and flowing out a few inches above her belly button, a pair of raven skinnies the same tone as my skirt and stockings with closed toe strappy heels the same shade as her top to finish off her outfit.

"My God, you look awesome." Nessa beats me too it as soon as she sees me and we both step in for an awkward first hug.

"I was just about to say the same with you I love your shirt outfit. Even your bag is awesome." I go on with a blush when she takes it off to let me have a better look at, thanking me in the process and giving my arm a quick touch in the process.

With a sparkling metal chain being the strap to a bag I would class as a clasp at first glance, though not only is it much bigger but it also has a zip, my hands eventually giving it back to her once I've finished feeling the soft squishy black leather material with the Gucci symbol stuck to the front.

"No joke I was actually about to head out and grab a handbag for myself since I have my phone and purse to carry around all n-"

"Oh honey I have you covered with that!"

"No I coul-"

"Don't wanna hear it! A girl needs a handbag and f**k I will give her one! I have way too many anyway so this is the perfect opportunity for me to give away a few."

"I can pay you for them at least?"

"Nope, just hang out with me a bit more, I'll grow on you."

Laughing at her joke though I have a feeling she's a little serious, I don't feel anything but more curious as to what she finds in me to make her stick around, like it surely can't be my personality for I haven't said f**k all to her.

"You have yourself a deal." I chuckle for I really don't want to push why this person's being weirdly nice let alone a little flirty, it could be the universe working in my favour and giving me a taste of the good side it has to offer for a change.

"Alright let's get to mine before the others wreck the joint." she chuckles once I've complete the tour of my apartment, of course leaving out how I really got here and this place for the less she knows about my past the better.

Agreeing I make sure everything's turned off and I have my duffle bag of spare clothes before locking up and following her to the posh VW Passat wagon a deep ebony hue parked in the watery sun trying to escape from being engulfed by the greying clouds, my brain patting myself mentally on the back for bringing my change of clothes I have currently grasped in my hand and mentally thanking Nessa for parking close to the apartment building.

Throwing it in the backseat and awkwardly climbing into the front, I fix myself up in the split second I have until she's passing me her phone, her large nut brown pools waiting for me to take it as the right side of her lips picks up into a grin.

"You're DJ for the trip to mine, I mean you'll probably get two songs max so make them count." she chuckles when I stare at her playlist as if it's a manual to put an IKEA desk together.

"I mean that's if you listen to anything I do, what are you in-"

"It really is fine I need to branch out to new music anyway, let's see what we have here." I interrupt in every attempts of leaving the old me in my past, which even include the bands that would involve a lot of moshing or dancing as if I was at a rave. I know, a bit diverse but it's the bass and beat that gets me.

"Alright then have a squiz." she laughs as the engine starts up and I begin my search of a song, my heart skipping a few beats when I recognise a lot of DJs I used to listen to filling up her library and throw on White Rabbit by Short Round.

"Ooo good one." she comments on the first beat then turns it up a little more so the bass slightly rattles the car.

"Yeah it's not a bad tune, I'm more into metal though but throughout the years my taste in different genres has changed as you can see." I explain whilst she takes out a cigarette with her free hand then hands me the carton.

"Oh I have m-"

"It doesn't matter just have one." she chuckles across me, the carton then dropped into the middle of my lap with a gentle 'THUNK'.

"Alrighty then." I laugh nervously but get one out anyway to see if it'll help steady my shaky hands, my mind hoping she doesn't pick up on it the entire time she delves into the topic about her cousin's Gorgonia and Vasilissa, or Nia and Lissa they apparently liked to be called.

Thanking her for the tip as more uneasy laughs are shared between the both of us, I start to come to the conclusion that I don't think Nessa understands exactly how awkward I am, like I spent three years alone in some way considering I refused to make friends so being around someone who wants my attention is a little foreign.

Hoping I'll get used to being around people again with the also constant worry of being caught out on who I really am and why I came here, her question on where I came from suddenly sparks fear into my heart though I refuse to show her in favour of keeping the cover I've made for myself.

"Well I ah. I'm actually from Haven Hill, the next town over." I start off so I can try and think of the next part to my lie, her nut brown eyes flicking from me to the road in front of her as if surprised about it.

"As if that's only like in the town before you get to this one and I go there all of the time to get my nails done! My goodness this is crazy, it just sucks I didn't meet you until now." she goes on and I feel myself deflate with relief.

"Yeah it's pretty s**t huh, but at least it's now I mean since being in this town everyone's been so nice. Like I'll admit it freaked me out a little at first then realised soon after I only met s**t people so you know, kind of made sense as to why you never saw me is because I stayed at home most of the time." I half-smile with a chuckle though I'm quick to smother it by taking a drag of the cigarette I almost forgot I had.

"Well it does explain why you're a bit pale. I bet in the sun you'd tan so good." she explains once her eyes are done dragging themselves over the exposed parts I have to offer and not covered up by leggings or a cardigan.

Well f**k, is that gross to her? Like I didn't exactly get a proper look at her face when she said it because I was too concerned on what I was going to say, but if her words are anything to go by then I guess I need to prove to her I'm not some introvert let alone an ex mental patient.

"I guess s-"

"Oh hey I almost forgot. Sorry to cut you off there, but were you planning on staying the night or are you heading back to yours? I only asked because I plan on getting a bit drunk tonight and thought that you had the same plans."

"Ahhh I'll see how the night goes, only because I don't think I brought enough money with m-"

"Lil don't even worry about it, we'll just play it by ear and see how we go?"

Shit, I don't think I'm ready for that yet but why can't I tell her? It's not so hard to tell her I want to go home after tonight only the words refuse to come out.

Wondering if it's Viper giving me the strength to push on with tonight and see how everything turns out, I for some reason take that as some sign to inform her that I'll see how tonight goes and watch as her eyes brighten up with her smile.

"Awesome I'm happy with that. Oh I almost forgot, do you live by yourself here in this town or?" she trails off in favour of seeing what I have to say, her words spiking my adrenaline and brain questioning her every intention as well as why she wants to know so much about my past? Has she seen my face on the news and is this all a ploy to get me back into the arms of Ray and Dian?

Internally freaking out but also piecing my answer together with as much ability as I can without breaking down and begging her not to take me back, completely blowing my cover and ruining my chances of a new life, I refrain from that to see where this will take me and if I really am going out tonight for drinks alongside a new set of friends.

"I-just me, I decided to move out of home with the blessing from my parents of course and came here only I don't think they'll be seeing me much." I blurt before I can stop myself and instantly wonder why in the f*****g world I would let something like that slip. Couldn't have I just said "I'll be going back to see them soon"?

"Why, what do you mean?" she frowns as we begin coming to a slow stop in the middle of the left lane, my heart skipping a beat when it dawns on me that we're at her place.

"Well my cousin Erica moved in recently and all the attention has been thrown onto her for not only is she five, she's also been through a lot. That's for another time though. But I thought I'd give them the space they needed since I was depressed about not making money and was clearly rubbing off on them." I shrug nonchalantly for I really have no emotional attachment towards those pieces of s**t apart from blind f*****g hatred.

"f**k that's pretty sad, I mean you'd think they'd wanna help you more since I don't know, you're their f*****g daugh-I'm sorry please ignore that, I just get passionate about that shit." she finishes quietly as a dark memory plays behind her eyes and hope it has nothing to do with the cousins I'm about to meet.

"No you're okay, I guess you can speak from experience?" I chuckle lamely to try and lighten the mood though only to receive a grunted sound which resembles her laughing.

"You could say that, but I don't wanna dig that s**t up for either of us. Tonight is all about good times and I'm sure I'm making you uncomfortable talking about your personal problems, you don't really know me and here I am digging into sh-"

"It's fine really, if I didn't wanna answer I'd say so. Besides I feel like I can tell you a bit more about me than I have to most people over the past." I laugh though this time it isn't awkward, Viper coming into memory since she was one of those people who knew more about me than most, not to mention Maddy and Fran who I still tear up over from time to time.

"Thanks Lil that really means a lot. I'm just so glad you decided to come and we're having these pre-drinks, then you can get to know my cousins better. They're f*****g awesome chicks I mean hello, I work with them." she grins then pops her car door open, it then dawning on me that we've actually been in her driveway for probably about five minutes talking.

A little shocked that this is probably the longest conversation I've had with someone else other than Doctor Dean or the other Nurses at Sunshine Cove Psychiatric Hospital, I'm beginning to think that maybe Becca was right in letting me out, I just had to push myself that little further for true freedom and I did.

"Any time, it's been a while since I've had friends. Let alone ones that stick around." I murmur more to myself as we leave the sleek VW in the tan concrete driveway and make our way towards the stark white front door, my heart racing when I catch two more cars of who I assume are her cousin's parked in front of Nessa's.

Wondering if the family like VW's since they all have similar appearing models yet the only difference they share are the other colours they come in, my eyes seem drawn more to the black one parked at the front of the line now taking up her whole driveway. Lucky it's a long one.

I'd class the place as a cottage based on the size of the thing, the exterior wooden and a rich coffee colour with the horizontal slabs of timber appearing to be overlapping one another slightly and continuing that all around the house.

The roof has a deep gunmetal grey hue and continues to follow out and onto a porch coming off the front door with it sealed all around until cutting off for the staircase leading up to the porch's landing the same shade as the house, windows with their frames painted white opening up the porch's sealed section.

A window framed in the same bone white sits above the porch's stairs along with another on the opposite side at the front of the house also, the one on the right displaying the kitchen and the left the lounge room.

All in all, the place looks breathtaking with its trimmed box hedges lining underneath the porch windows as well as the kitchen and dining room one, the hedges being replaced with rose bushes and other large floral type shrubs along the fences and continuing to I assume the back for that's where they disappear off to.

"Your house is beautiful." I comment in awe the more I take in the magazine worthy house, Nessa giggling with her cheeks heating a bright crimson before she's waving it off as if it's nothing.

"It's technically my parents, I still live with them at the moment considering my house is under construction and I can't stay there at the moment." she explains as we step over the threshold and embrace the warmth along with the conversation floating in to the left of me from the lounge room.

Instantly my heart is in my throat at the sight of two more females mid-laughing over their drinks and bopping along drunkenly to music similar to the stuff I put on during the car ride here, a smile awkwardly surfacing on my lips the closer I get to them and remind myself that these are Nessa's cousins.

"Ladies this is Lilith or Lilly whichever you prefer. Anyway it's the girl from the coffee shop." she introduces as a sky blue eyed girl only inches taller than me comes over to greet me with her faire hand stretched in my direction.

"Hey I'm Gorgonia, or Nia since it's a lot quicker to say." she grins when she can tell I'm way out of my comfort zone.

"Hello." I squeak the more I take in her thick dirty brown locks curled and hung at least six or so inches passed her shoulders, her hourglass figure hugged in a blood red pencil skirt decorated with large black polka dots and climbing up her thighs.

A long sleeve rounded neckline silky shirt the same shade as the polka dots on her skirt and swede heels with straps that wrap around her legs in a criss-cross pattern, tops off her outfit showing only a little cleavage compared to me and fitted tightly at the wrists.

The shirt of course is a tight fitting one which I can't deny compliments her figure, the sleeves on the silk shirt a black fishnet like material with matching roses printed all over them.

Like her cousin Nessa she has f**k all makeup to bring out the natural fair features of her face, only my attention is suddenly pulled from her and onto the other girl in the room who's just as gorgeous as Nia.

"Hi I'm Vasilissa, Nia's sister and Nessa's cousin. But you can call me Lissa for Vasilissa is not my cup of tea." Lissa starts off whilst in the process of shaking hands, my eyes widening at the fact that they're sisters for I wouldn't have picked it.

"Yeah Nia and I don't really look alike aye?" she goes on with a grin as I laugh and blush at how awkward I feel right now. That and I'd actually kill for a drink right now. My nerves are making it hard for me to be normal around these people.

"No but then again I've met a lot of siblings who don't share a lot of the same features." I put in then realise she shares the same fair complexion as Nia and curls yet hers are more at the bottom unlike Nia's where they travel further up her hair.

Lissa's hair however is more of a lighter bronze s***h mousy brown and eyes a sea blue instead of Nia's piercing sky ones, her nose on the button side whereas Nia has a bump in the bridge of hers and more pointed at the end.

"She's right I mean we do share the same attitude so that could make up for it." Nia jokes with Nessa murmuring something which sounds like she agrees with what her cousin is saying.

"Hey you weren't supposed to agree, especially not in front of our new friend since we don't want to scare her off just yet." Lissa winks in my direction and suddenly Nessa's leaving me in her adorable lounge room to converse more with her cousins.

I don't blame her she really wants me to get to know them, but I kinda wish she had of told me she was heading off so I could brace myself for the incoming panic attack I'm supressing right now, my ears zoning back just as my name passes Lissa's lips.

"Where'd you say you were from? I don't think Nessa told us."

Freaking for a second I'm quick to recall the conversation I had with Nessa and give her the exact same story as I gave Nessa only minus the Erica and parents part for they haven't asked that far yet.

"Oh nice, Nessa loves getting her nails done there." Nia adds as Lissa stands up to straighten out her cocktail dress with the sleeves stopping halfway down her arms and a nice daffodil yellow stopping an inch or so above her knees.

Her heels are a plain glossy slip on type with cute bows on the toes of them and necklace with a weird symbol I'm having trouble describing since it's something I've never seen.

"Yeah she was saying when I told her, must be good if she's travelling to another town." I point out in attempts to keep the small talk going as well as taking note in the change of song though the genre's the same.