Stellam Matutinam

A Fluttering Heart

So it's been a couple of days since having Nessa's number, my cheeks heating at the fact that I'm already calling her Nessa and I haven't even bothered to call or text her even though I said I would as soon as I set up my new phone.

If I'm going to be honest I'm still nervous about the whole thing, what if she doesn't remember me and she's just naturally flirty? She could've given her number out a hundred times so there's a chance she might not remember me.

With it only being ten in the morning and nothing interesting on TV to waste away the beautiful day outside, I give in to the nag of texting Nessa in hopes that she still has my number saved and wait a little on edge for her reply, hoping my excuse of being busy with unpacking will suffice for why I haven't gotten back to her until now.

Deciding to go out for a cigarette I decide to leave my phone inside for it will only make the wait worse the more I look at it, my mind happy enough to fill in the time with scenarios of Nessa asking me around to her place or a trip down the street.

Either way it's better than sitting around depressed wondering why no one wants to hire me, which I can't blame them for since I don't have much of an impressing résumé.

Finishing the cigarette with a can of energy drink I return back inside to where my phone's currently waiting for me to pick it up, instantly doing so and feeling my heart flutter at an incoming text from you guessed it, Nessa.

Nessa: Hey Lil of course I remember you, those eyes and smile are hard to forget. Anyway I would love to hang out with you for my cousins and I are going to the pub tonight. It's funny I was actually going to invite you but you must have been reading my mind and bet me to it. But before I get side tracked just send me your address and I'll come by to pick you up if you're interested. But I also get it if you don't want to for we just met two days ago, and it can be a little daunting meeting new people. But would love for you to come anyway so I guess the choice is yours.

Replying back with lightning speed and a monstrous grin at the fact that she remembers who I am and that she planned on inviting me but I happened to beat her to it, automatically agreeing to go out after a quick mental battle and glimpse at the memories Viper and I shared and know that she'd want me to do this, I also get a little nervous at the mentioning of her cousins for I only caught a glimpse of them at the café but not enough to remember their faces.

I'm also a little touched that she also took my feelings on board for she did state that I don't have to for meeting new people is a scary thing and that we met two days ago, pretty much implying that she gets it if I don't want to hang with someone I hardly know.

Having another cigarette and not caring I'm meant to be outside whilst going over the clothes in my duffle bag to see what would be suitable to wear to the pub, I discover that I'm down to my last pair of jeans and nearing the end of my fresh socks and underwear.

Piling up all the dirty laundry and chucking it into the washing machine the apartment came with, I pat myself on the back for remembering to buy laundry detergent though the celebration doesn't last long when a list of other things I still need in the food cupboard as well as wardrobe, comes back to annoy me since I cut it short yesterday.

Doing a mental checklist of the things I have to get done before Nessa comes to pick me up tonight, I finish slapping my outfit for tonight together knowing I still need a new pair of shoes to go with the outfit, then throw my hospital shoes on whilst giving my current attire a once over in unison.

Maybe even a whole new wardrobe since clothes aren't even that heavy to carry, especially if it's back here for the walk is only about twenty minutes. That and I have the money for it, I just have to remember to stay cheap for I can get more that way.

A pair of leggings with my dirty white slip on hospital canvas sneakers and a semi-baggy plain jet black hoodie stopping mid-thigh sums up my look for today, my body now about to kick into gear and head to the bathroom once I've finished my look of shame on my clothes when I'm distracted by my phone alerting me of an incoming message, one side of my mouth picking up into a grin when I spot Nessa's name popping up on my screen until my eyes are eating up the words in front of me.

Nessa: Alright sweet I'll see you around six. We're gonna have a few pre drinks at mine then we'll walk to the pub. It isn't that far from my place so the only thing we have to worry about it getting rained on. Anyway I'm just excited for you to meet my cousins, I promise you'll like them for they f*****g love anyone hahaha

Laughing at her message but still feeling a little on edge about it all for I really don't know any of these people and yet they're willing to invite me out to the pub, especially with a group like Nessa's which by the sounds of it consists of family members only, I reply back with as much excitement as she's showing me with intentions of definitely dressing up.

Glancing at the skinny jeans, black long sleeve v-neck shirt with strings criss-crossing in the middle to hold the cleavage of the shirt together, and the blank space where the shoes are meant to be, I still decide on changing the outfit for that's still casual in my eyes.

It's cute however that Nessa is close with her cousins and wish my family and I were as close as Nessa is with hers, but it also unnerves me for what if something happened between me and one of them, who's side will they take and would they all hate me if one ended up doing so?

Not wanting to think about them in that way for I hardly know them, I focus on the positive things about today as I stare in the bathroom mirror at a slightly happier pair of eyes peering back at me, my russet locks still hanging down and untamed.

The dark circles that surround my eyes seems to have started to dissipate, my mind chalking it up as me finally getting my needed hours of undisturbed and non-drug induced sleep, medication I find my body not missing one bit and is actually happy to feel it leaving my system.

After a quick squirt of perfume and freshen up on my roll on deodorant I give my thick mane a brush and notice the layers are beginning to blend in with the rest of my hair, not long after focusing in on natural parting I have in the front section of my hair a little more to the left of my head than in the middle so it creates a fringe type thing, my fingers raking it into its natural style since it's currently lost at the moment with the rest of my hair before separating the hair at the back in two and bringing them forward so that they hang in front of my shoulders.

Happy at how it's turned out regardless if I still don't have makeup to cover my pasty olive face and give it a bit of life or glow to it, I start on my journey down the street with my empty duffle bag this time so that I'm able to take more back with me.

Locking the door behind me and regretting the hoodie instantly, I know I also can't take it off for I didn't exactly bother to put on a shirt underneath either, so I guess rolling the sleeves up is my only option if I don't want to turn back and get changed again.

But even then that won't last long for as soon as I get even anywhere near a person I'll have to cover up again, for not every day does someone see a person's trauma written on their skin and on display, it's best to keep hidden regardless of how hot it is and how many people are around you.

Don't get me wrong the hotter days I worry for considering I've passed out in the past trying to keep my scars covered on thirty to almost forty degree days, though it was to make sure no one saw what I did to myself behind closed doors

*

Making it back three hours later according to the time on my phone, I practically stumble over the threshold and into my semi-cool apartment in every attempt to cool down before I even consider putting the shopping or my new clothes away.

Drenching my parched throat with my last cold energy drink from the fridge, I remember the washing I put on prior to me heading down and drag myself off the couch to throw them in the dryer so they don't end up reeking when I do eventually take them out.

Knowing the load won't take long but long enough for me to put the shopping away and go through my new clothes, I recount my savings with hopes of me not overspending down at the clothing outlets, and come out relieved when I've actually spent less than I thought.

Putting the remainder of the change away with the rest of the money I have stashed in the wardrobe at the very top underneath the spare blankets the apartment provides, I'm now back to remaking my new outfit for tonight.

Folding up my new high waisted skinny jeans with rips starting from the knees up with more joining the pile soon after and ranging from different greys to deep blue, some with rips and others not but all high waisted for they're the only style of jeans I live by.

Next to be stored away are a pair of new ankle high Converses and knee height Doc Martens which I was happy to wear the Converses home and ditch the hospital shoes, my attention then averting back to the new singlets and dressy tops I also bought until deciding to throw out all of my old clothes and start again.

With my past slowly becoming further and further behind me with each item that's thrown away, I decide to chuck out the other ratty appearing clothes I had stored in my time at the hospital but keep a few pieces for not only are they in good condition, but Becca also bought me a few.

Sighing when Viper's silver bracelet comes poking out from underneath my hoodie's sleeve, I roll up the sleeves and subtly indulge in the cool air hitting my sweat slicken arms as memories of Viper giving me the bracelet, start up behind my closed eyes.

Striking the painful memories from my thoughts for now as I've got things to prepare for a night out tonight, I don't disregard Viper completely as I start piecing items of clothing together in hopes I have found something not too over the top yet nice enough for people to think I'm not struggling with young adulthood.

After trying on the blood red crop top that hugs my torso and chest a little too tight for comfort when noticing how much my boobs stick out in it, I eventually settle on it much to it bringing me out of my comfort zone and end up adding a black swing skirt to my matching ankle high Converses, only to ponder long and hard on if the crop top is what I should wear tonight.

Peering down at my semi-thin frame and turning to my side in the full length mirror on the back of my bedroom door to see how exactly flat my stomach is while remembering the pictures of how thin I was back in the day, I'm then confirming I have put on weight in the three years I was in hospital and not a healthy amount I might add. Well that's me personally anyway. Others would say I look healthier than I was prior to me hitting the drugs so maybe I really was happy enough to eat in hospital than I was out of home, back then.

Mentally noting that I bought a heap of black and not enough colour to break it up yet still not bothering to put the hoodie back on since I feel I could cool off a little more, I shrug off the fact I have f**k all colours after adding a pair of patterned stockings underneath so I and my scarred up legs don't feel so exposed, and a cute cardigan over the top to hide the mutilation I carried out on my arms.

I don't think I could handle that as our first conversation for the night, especially if I'm trying to keep a low profile anyway until the news blows it for me since the phone situation has been taken care of completely and I can no longer be traced.

Like I even took it that one step further to create a whole new identity on the internet, I mean I kept my first name but changed my last name to Cain since Waters is my adopted name, so if I do end up being asked if I have any social media accounts I can give them my new ones for my old ones are now gone.

A few years ago before I went into the hospital I went through Ray's office to find paperwork about my real parents for I really wanted to find them and see if they were able to take me back, but unfortunately I was only given two names along with my adoption papers which were Milly and Lucas Cain.

Though their address and any signs of their whereabouts were absent from the paperwork that I discovered the names on and finished working out that they were my parents before Ray and Dian took me into their care, so I guess that's why I'm going with Cain for it's my original last name.

All I have to worry about is making sure Nessa and her cousins don't see my I.D or my face on the news in that time I get around to changing my name legally since I'm old enough to, and start a new life under Lilith Cain in this town I plan on staying in until I see fit, for it will be harder for them to track me down if they do decide to search for me in the future. It's just a matter of finding out how I can do it and getting the money up in time for it when the time comes as well as getting a whole new birth certificate printed out.

Then there's the new bank card, I.D since the one I have now is no good. Well it technically is but I don't exactly wanna go showing it off to people if I'm concerned about my face and history being blasted all over the news. But all these will come after I change my last name and get a new birth certificate with my new name.

With the process sending butterflies as well as anxiety through me since it's a lot harder than it all sounds, though then again even saying the steps in my head right now appears just as hard for it's a complete f**k around and I can't exactly do it right now in the heat of my escape, I'd be caught instantly!

Running my hands down my face and telling myself there's no use getting worked up over it now since all that can be handled when the time comes, I also make a mental note to eventually check the news in any relation to me and my breakout from Hell for it'd be best if I knew about it before Nessa and her cousins do, and they take it upon themselves to call the Police on me.

Checking the time and discovering I still have a few more hours to kill, I go over the apartment once a shirt has returned to cover my half-naked torso and the semi-wet hoodie thanks to my perfuse sweating is thrown into the empty washing machine, and make sure everything is as tidy as it can be so I can come home to a clean place and not have to worry about cleaning it later.

If I plan on talking to complete strangers then I know for a fact that I'll be drinking a heap to get over my nerves of stepping completely out of my comfort zone, though instead of drinking I used to take a heap of drugs to help me with that problem.

With the time slowly climbing towards me needing to hit the shower, I punch down a few more darts before cutting it extremely close when I finish putting my clean clothes from the dryer away and contemplate on having another cigarette, though tell myself probably save some for later since I smoke a lot more when I drink.

Having that in the back of my mind I take my time in the shower anyway making sure all the areas that need to be shaved are done whilst washing my hair in between, letting the products soak in as much as they can before it's my body's turn to be scrubbed up.

Enjoying the boiling water beating down on my back and massaging my tense shoulders as best as it can, I eventually shut the water off and step out into the fogginess to wrap a towel around my soaking form, my hair then wrapped up to avoid making more of a mess I'll have to clean once I'm dressed as I start putting on my attire for this evening.

Hoping it won't get too cold after I complete my assessment on my choice of clothes that lie on the bathroom sink's bench space waiting to be worn and whether I should change it for the third time, I decide on putting together a bag with spare warmer clothes in case it does get cold once I've finished up in the bathroom, though my ideas are halted when my phone buzzes near the sink where I'm also currently straightening my hair with my new straightener.

Nessa: Hey I hope we're still on for tonight, just getting home now so I won't be long in coming to pick you up! Really keen to hang out with you and so are my cousins, they can't wait to meet you either.

Smiling and letting a subtle chuckle sound in the back of my throat as I write a reply to let her know that I'm just as keen and that I'm actually getting ready now, my attention then averts back to my hair in favour of getting it done before she rocks up.

Hoping my message didn't imply that I want her to pick me up as soon as she's ready after rereading the message and face palming my forehead, I intend on playing off the rest of my messages calm and collected but keep the eagerness to myself as nervousness washes over me.

I'm hopping out of my comfort zone and mingling with not only one person but a handful tonight, something I haven't done since I was admitted into the hospital and something I hope Viper won't hate me for.

Ignoring her reply so I can get my hair tied up in a high ponytail with my fringe type bit I get when parting the front section more to the left, untouched yet held there slightly thanks to the hairspray and slight bangs to frame the other side of my face, I then slap on my new makeup but make sure to not rush it that much where it turns out s**t.

Stepping back and forgetting how much the winged eyeliner and mascara enhance my chartreuse eyes considering I didn't even bother with makeup in the hospital, it gives me a little confidence boost that with makeup I'm starting to look like my old self, not so sickly and tired but healthy and filled with a bit of life.

Yet for those who know how to look past all that and deep into one's eye, then that is where I will surely fail.

Finally replying but taking caution in coming off as if I haven't been waiting for this all day, it still doesn't get rid of the light nagging I have going on in the back of my thoughts in association with me wanting to go now instead of later, much to the guilt revolving around Viper and the bracelet she gave me that I snag in my vision from time to time.

Nessa: That's so good I'm glad you're excited as well. The girls are legit drinking now so if you want I can come and pick you up since I haven't had anything yet? I mean I only just got out of the shower and need to get dressed but I'm more than happy to when I am. That's if you're not far off being ready and wanna come over earlier than we planned.

Contemplating on whether I should wait so I don't appear to be too eager even though I sorta am and start to ponder if the universe is actually playing in my favour, I decide to anyway and let her know I've just finished while pacing up and down my bedroom with thoughts of having a cigarette entering my mind.

A few seconds tick by and I eventually give in to the calls of my cigarette carton on the coffee table, my feet happy to take more than a paced path up and down my bedroom as it leads me to the items I'm craving.

Heading out onto the back balcony that looks out over the thick forest stretching out for miles with the mountains visible in the distance, my mind wonders how long it would take for me to get from one side of the forest to the other where the mountains just peak over the treetops.

Lighting up the cigarette and witness the large cloud of smoke being picked up and drift off with the subtle wind I'm still trying to work out whether it's warm or cool, I peer up at the late afternoon sky as if to see if that's going to help with my assumption of how the weather will turn out but to no avail for there are no signs of it heating up nor cooling off.

Not bothering to rush just yet with anything else, I take my time to relax and check my emails for any new back on the jobs I applied for with the company of my cigarette relaxing my adrenaline fuelled heart, my brain telling me to not get my hopes up as my thumb hovers over the email icon on my phone's screen.

For miracles don't happen overnight.