Stellam Matutinam

What A Day

"Scream or make a run for it and you'll cop it!" her chilling voice sneers in my ear, my eyes not even bothering to open since I know exactly who it is, but how the f**k did she find me?

"Erica-"

"Shut the f**k up! You hurt me so it's my turn to hurt you." she growls over me with her hand clamping tighter over my mouth.

Finally prying my eyes open to stare directly into a pair of glowing crimson ones, a colour that actually suits her considering she is f*****g evil, her lips pull into a sickening grin of razor sharp teeth and instantly I'm screaming under her hand.

"Shhh, I told you not to scream!" she snarls in a now demonic tone that sends more tears to my eyes and eventually down the sides of my face.

*

Shooting up in bed as tears continue to stream down my face, I start laughing and cover my face to bring me back to the now, the images flashing before my eyes like a movie no matter how hard I squeeze them shut to stop it.

"Fuck." I breathe with a watery chuckle then gather myself enough to get out of bed and hit the shower.

Taking a moment to remind myself I'm safe in the comforts of my new room, the pasty walls almost matching the ceiling by a few shades less slowly bringing back yesterday's events as the thick honey curtains shut out the sun that's desperately trying to beam through the cracks and holes and disorientate me further, my muscles eventually relaxing against the comfort of the mattress beneath me and begin the process of getting myself out of bed to start the new day.

Not knowing exactly what I'm going to do today since I didn't really know what I planned on doing yesterday if the weather hadn't been so s**t apart from hunt for a new phone, all I know is I don't want to be here in case I am found, the adrenaline from my dream soon coming back to course through my veins and force me out of the shower a lot sooner than I want to be.

Scurrying back to my room wrapped in towels then throwing on a fresh pair of underwear and socks I don't take long to throw on some skinnies, Heads for the Dead band tee, baggy Mereflesh band hoodie and my hospital shoes since they're all I have.

Heading back into the bathroom to fix my damp hair, I'm wishing I had makeup right now the more I stare at the bags and dark circles surrounding my hollow chartreuse pools, a pair that seem to have experienced too much horror in such a short lifespan.

With my pasty olive complexion only palling as the months tick by, I wonder what this summer is going to be like and if I'll actually be able to get over my fear of making friends, for Becca did say it will help my healing process and help my confidence when I step out into the outside world.

Tucking the stray russet strands that appear to be too short to be held up by the hair tie, behind my stretched ears after giving my teeth a good thorough brush, I let out another deep sigh then deem myself ready to face the world alone for the first time in years.

Making sure the door's locked behind me I begin my journey into town once passing the large gates of the apartment complex or whatever that elderly couple called it, with the objective of buying some food to last me until I can be f****d coming back down, as well as some clothes since I don't exactly want to be roaming around in clothes the foster parents will know and possibly see me in and of course a new f*****g phone!

Knowing I'm being too paranoid though I can't be too careless in what I do, I pull out my phone to double check my location is off so I'm not easily found regardless if I don't have a sim card in it I still can't risk being tracked down every time I turn my phone on to check the time, something I'm not too fazed with since I did that at the hospital anyway.

Keeping my attention on my surroundings yet trying to be subtle about it to avoid gaining the attention of the town's folk, my heart in my throat the entire time until I make it onto a bustling road and realise it's the main road I was driven down by the couple who drove me here.

With my head down I continue my fast paced walk before spotting the grocery store's large sign rising above the shops, my eyes narrowing in on the large building in the distance which appears to be the said store.

Not long to go I count each step I take and make sure I'm not being spied on in unison, eventually stepping over the threshold of the automatic doors and subtly sighing with relief.

Remembering I can't go too crazy since I don't have a car to lug all of it back home, I decide on grabbing a few frozen meals as well as energy drinks, mac and cheese and other things I'll need for in the bathroom.

Wrapping it up with a few more dinner and snack items with my brain hoping I didn't underestimate how heavy this is all going to be considering I still have to get clothes, I decide on grabbing those tomorrow for I actually can't be f****d now and happen to be hungry.

Standing in line with my trolley and scanning around at the sea of faces worrying about their own business, I don't realise how long I've zoned out for until there's a light tap on my shoulder and I'm jumping almost a foot in the air.

"I'm sorry darl but the young guy is waiting for you." she chuckles as her kids run amuck behind her, my cheeks heating up as I apologise profusely to the polite woman and hurry my arse up.

"It's alright I wasn't waiting long." he laughs when I start unloading my s**t at a pace even ALDI would be proud of.

Pushing the trolley to the side where I can start loading up the bags back into the trolley I have the idea to take the trolley with me then dump it halfway home, though I don't know what this town is like to things such as that and would hate for the couple that brought me here to see what I plan on doing, for you should have seen the look on Eleanor's face when she was describing the town to me and how I will also develop the same love for it. Well they weren't here exact words but you get the point.

Gently kicking the trolley down the trolley bay after grabbing the bags of shopping out, at first I think I'm going to manage it since it really doesn't look like I bought much, though the longer I continue my walk home the more they start to weigh down like bags of flour.

Wondering if I'm weak or I underestimated the weight of the shopping I spot a phone shop close by and push a little more energy out of me to make one last stop until I can get home and feed myself, a hunger that's slowly dissipating with every minute that ticks by yet put it on the backburner when the thoughts of getting a new phone outweighs my unhappiness in the shopping's weight and need to get home.

Making it quick and not going over a budget of six hundred for a decent phone with a new sim card but not a plan since they'll need I.D, I settle on a prepaid much to the lady trying to sell me one on a plan before thanking her and scurrying out of the shop relived I can finally ditch my old phone.

Not long on my travels and battling away the temptation of opening up my new phone to set it up, I pass a café along the way that tickles my fancy and also puts my body in a protest about carrying the weight any further, the place's aroma calling for me and teasing my stomach as I toss it up for a few seconds until giving in and crossing the road towards it whilst my body aches to dump the load of heavy shopping.

Noticing the handful of people already seated drinking or eating their orders on my way in, I ignore the TV playing silently in the background whilst gentle music fills the air, my head slightly down when I make my way to the counter and wait for someone to notice me.

The walls are backdrops of thick forests and deep mahogany floorboards to represent I guess the dirt floor, the place reminding me of the forest s***h woods that surrounds this town.

About twenty tables scatter throughout the sort of large space that's opened up before me, the wooden tables a shade lighter than the floorboards and almost every one of them taken up, my eyes soon distracted by a couple to the left of me getting up from their seats.

Peering up at the three big arse fancy chandeliers they have centred in the ceiling spaced out in a line, I imagine one of them falling on me for some f****d up reason until a person in my peripherals gains my attention.

It doesn't take long until a girl half a head taller than me comes into view, her large nut brown eyes reminding me of Erica's a bit though there's evil missing in them, a thought I'm currently pushing out of my head in favour of focusing in on what she has to say.

"How can I help?" she beams once the hellos are out of the way and I'm finished giving the drink menu behind her a quick glance.

"Just a flat white with three sugars thanks and full cream milk as well. Oh and that's to take away." I add before she can and watch a slight blush heat her lightly tanned cheeks.

"Alright, I'll call you up when your order is ready." she giggles and rubs the back of her neck whilst my eyes are trying not to look at the kids squealing in a corner over an iPad that's not being shared.

Moving out of the way for the next customer, I make my way over to an empty table near the back of the café to wait for my coffee and try not to stare at the overly nice girl that's trying to be subtle with her glances in my direction.

I'm not going to lie she is attractive but why would someone like her go for me I mean come on, chuck a bigger fringe and longer bangs on me and you'd get a fucken emo, like I hardly crack a smile these days so I can only imagine what her opinion on me is.

Hey, it's probably why she keeps looking over at me. She's probably trying to wonder what the f**k I am, where I'm already classing her as a girl that only dates football players. Mean I know but I've encountered so many of these girls in my time that they're quite predictable.

Though the more I notice the girl's appearance and how she has a tattoo poking out from underneath her work polo and a couple on her arms, the more I rethink my opinion on her for the type of girl I'm classing her as rarely mutilated their bodies with ink.

Trying to distract myself by seeing what else the café has to offer, I notice they also have a counter fridge full of cakes and sandwiches on display ready to be sold next to the register, with the coffee station on the other side of it and a doorway leading to the back of the café behind the front counter.

When it gets too much after the fifth time of feeling the girl's eyes on me I finally build up the courage to peer over at the girl whose hair I still can't tell whether it's black or a deep brown, piled high on her head in a bun that looked similar to mine some lazy days at the hospital, and wonder what her interest in me is.

Suddenly it dawns that the reason why she could be constantly looking at me is because my face has made it on the news, my hears reaching my throat as I subtly shoot up from my seat and make for the exit, though five steps in I'm stopped by the girl who took my order.

Maybe I should've gotten the new phone as soon as I ditched Sunshine Cove, I fear they may have traced my location and my face has made it on the news to this town I was certain was cut off enough from everything. Or was that a ploy for the couple to make the Police's job easier in locating me, but then again I would've been found by now.

Noticing another two more workers behind the counter making coffees and taking orders whilst their co-worker busies herself taking my order to me, my body freezes mid-step when she's now right in front of me waiting for my hand to grab the coffee with a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth when I eventually take it from her.

"I thought you didn't want it." she chuckles as I play with the lid's plastic rim and try to think of an excuse as to why I almost fled the café without my drink.

"I ah, was going to go for a cigarette." I lie quickly and mentally pat myself on the back when I remember the carton in my back pocket.

"Oh well here you go, now the cigarette will go down better." she winks then turns on her heels to head back to the counter, my brain still calculating whether she's flirting with me or not before I'm once again stopped by her.

Fuck, is this the part where she's going to tell me that the Police have been rung and that I can't go anywhere? Man I was so close to starting all over again and I come undone by a f*****g flat white with three f*****g sugars?

"I was wondering I mean, you're clearly new here since I've never seen you around and I'm all about making new friends. What I'm saying is, would you like a friend to help you get your way around this place? That's if you haven't already I mean, f**k this is embarrass-"

"That would be cool, thanks. I'm Lilith or Lilly, whatever you prefer." I intervene with a small smile making its way across my lips the more she continues to blush and babble, something I did around Viper before I realised I liked girls.

At least though she hasn't called the Cops on me nor has anyone noticed me enough to confirm that I'm not on the news yet, my hopes of the foster parents leaving me be finally coming true and leaving me to believe that I do have an angel looking out for me granting my every miracle.

"I'm Janessa or Nessa, and back there are my cousins Gorgonia and Vasilissa who are currently not there." she introduces with a thumb pointed to the empty counter behind her.

"Well it was lovely meeting you Nessa, I'm sure you'd want my number?" I offer when she seems to be in awe at the fact that I agreed to hang out with her, butterflies erupting around in the pit of my stomach the more she reminds me of Viper and what emotions she brought out in me when I was around her.

Holding back the stinging tears at Viper's memories, I start to think that maybe this is a bad idea making friends since I can't go a second without thinking about Viper, especially in the presence of Nessa considering her kindness is something I haven't felt in a while whether its flirty or not.

Yet the more I observe how happy I'm making someone else other than myself which I continue to fail at, I start to consider that maybe this is what I need to distract myself from my own problems, another person with new issues other than the same ones I'm over tormenting myself with.

"Ah yes, thank you." she answers meekly while getting her phone from her back pocket and handing it to me when it's ready for my number.

Punching in my new one from the back of the sim card pack after explaining I'm currently in the process of setting up a new phone, she's quick to wrap up typing hers in my old phone for now until I get back and transfer it into my new phone, I thank her again for the drink and her generosity before I'm off for good this time wondering what happened just then really did happen or if I'm dreaming still.

Like don't get me wrong at first she didn't believe me and thought I was only taking her number just to be polite, but when she saw my new one still in its box and the sim card pack I pulled out to give her the new number from, I witnessed as her whole face changed to one of privilege for she's the first person to have my new number.

Knowing I'm not dreaming after pinching the back of my hand lightly and that I've managed to make a friend without even trying since she I believe kicked off the flirting, I start to think about Becca and wonder how proud of me she would be knowing I've taken such big steps on my own, steps I don't think I could've done years ago though am happy I get to take them now.

Lugging the shopping bags back with something else other than my problems to accompany me along the way, the trip appears a lot shorter on the way back than I remember yet I'm not complaining for Janessa or Nessa seemed to help occupy my running thoughts.

As I said before she's attractive and wouldn't pin her to go for someone like me, but every time I think about her or our conversation I get a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, the same sensation I got around Viper so maybe that's why I'm so interested in Janessa regardless how much pain it brings.

Though I guess some things have changed whilst I've been away, I just hope I've had enough time to heal since Viper to even consider moving on relationship or friendship wise with anyone, for let's be honest I don't think I could handle the guilt or heartbreak.

Reaching the warmth of my apartment after taking the forever long trip up the elevators, it doesn't take me long to throw the things away in the cupboards until I'm seating myself down with an energy drink in the lounge room, my brain ignoring the nag of turning the TV on when I'm left staring at Nessa's number with a thumping heart and my new phone still in its box though I decide to see how I go after setting it up and if I build up the courage by then.

Happy that I have the free Wi-Fi to use, I fly through the settings and steps I need to take before I'm up to the part in saving Janessa's number to my phone, my thumbs stopping their movement when I suddenly stop to zone out on the empty message screen between Janessa and I.

Not bothering to message when my anxiety gets the better of me and my brain starts making points like maybe she purposely gave me a wrong number because she felt sorry for me, and how I shouldn't be so desperate even if she was the one who made an effort to get my attention, even if I did think she was on to me and was dialling the Police as I waited for my coffee.

I decide to give it a rest for now since I've been busy with a lot today physically and emotionally, so maybe tomorrow I'll be able to think better on what to say to her as well as a really good excuse for taking so long to get back to her on my new phone.

Remembering the look on her face at the start when I told her the phone I was currently using is one I won't be having for long, as if I was bullshitting to her face regardless if she went out on a limb to try and make friends with me.

But it all could have been for my amusement into thinking that she wanted me around, but I don't know her so I can't pass that sort of judgment, yet it still lingers in the back of my thoughts for no one really has gone out of their way much in my life to be my friend apart from Maddy, Fran, Viper, my Doctor Becca and the two guys I saw before I was thrown into hospital.

Though the two guys weren't friends like Maddy and Fran were, they just helped me get over my emotional pain with drugs yet had no knowledge of it and help me explore my sexuality a bit, but experiences or people I don't regret having in my life.

Then we have Janessa coming along and into my life out of nowhere, an extremely attractive woman I might add, a person that still unnerves me for girls like her usually turn their nose up at me since my music taste and style of clothing isn't up their designer alley. Yet not Janessa for she seemed to be the one pushing a bit for her to be my guide around the town if I ever get the chance or whatever she said.

All I kept picturing were the Cops busting through the door as well as questioning whether she was flirting with me or being extremely friendly, so I was in a mix of getting ready to run with adrenaline pumping through my readying legs and giddiness that I was starting to make a normal life for myself.

Letting out a groan and flicking on the TV for I don't think I can think about her or the situation right now it doesn't take long for more memories of Viper to come back and torment me, my eyes peering up at the ceiling as if it's going to stop the threatening tears but to no avail.

Feeling them snake their way down my cheeks when I eventually close my eyes to get rid of them but more seem to fall, my body trembling the harder my sobs rip through me and tears drip from my chin in fat droplets.

"I have to move on but it's so f*****g hard." I cry into my hands yet know that it's just me that's hearing my pained cries right now.

Once the tears die down and I'm able to finally clear the tears from my eyes, I try and get my mind on another topic for I don't exactly want to be spending my first week here on the couch depressed as f**k.

I'm free and intend on staying that way, even if I have to run I don't give a f**k. My foster parents aren't getting their hands on me and no longer am I being pumped full of medication meant for Schizophrenics, nothing was in my head. What their daughter did to me happened and happened again right before I broke free.

Going on my phone with the intensions of looking for more jobs while I wait for an email back from the other ones I applied for since I didn't want to give them the number to my old phone, I'm suddenly distracted by the gallery app on my old phone containing a heap of pictures with the idea of transferring them onto my new phone.

Knowing this will probably trigger my cutting again and that I can always do it another time since job searching is a little more important than moving pictures, I try and test myself anyway to see if I can make it till the end without losing my s**t, my hands quaking yet again though that doesn't stop me from clicking on the first picture once I've scrolled down to the bottom.

At the start there are a heap of selfies, of course. Then next are pictures of Maddy, Fran and I all together, both blonde of course with piercing ocean blue eyes and tanned skin.

They were the twins everyone wanted to date in high school, but they didn't want the popularity role the school constantly threw on them and decided to hang out with me, a girl the school saw as weird for I didn't speak much at the start of my high school years.

Soon after that I started coming out of my shell and that's when we started going to parties and whatnot together, well the ones I could make anyway after sneaking out of Ray and Dian's place. It was the adrenaline I lived for when sneaking out and that's why I did it often.

Erica was only getting worse when my sneaking out got frequent along with my introduction to drugs. Now I can't really say who got who on the drugs, all I know is they were done with them when I wasn't.

A few more moments of ripping through the hundred or so photos of me and my fun past with the trauma well hidden, I flick through the rest of them and coming across a few memes I instantly piss myself laughing over for they're something I completely forgot I had on my phone, for you see I stayed away from it as if the thing was going to kill me. Regardless if the only reason why I was ignoring my phone was because of Ray and Dian.

With the memes coming to an end and a heap more pictures of me with a few guys I hung out with and who also happened to be my dealers back then return to put a smile on my face, some of the guys also the ones to kind of turn me off guys a little for they were only in it for themselves.

I take a little longer to look at my appearance for I really didn't realise how thin I was back then, my pupils dilated as f**k and a can of alcohol in my hand as I pose munted as f**k for a photo, the guys around me also munted as f**k and then spot Maddy and Fran in the background just as cooked.

Tearing up at the pictures and laughing the further I investigate and the more f****d I had become over that night, my brain wonders how the f**k I even survived those days and start to ponder if me getting back into drugs would be a bad thing, for they did help me back then mask a lot of my trauma and push it into the darkest parts of my mind.

Then again where would I f*****g find any? I don't know anyone apart from Janessa and there is no f*****g way I'm asking her for drugs or a contact I can get them off, I don't know her from a bar of soap so who the f**k knows what she will say if I do?

Wondering if it will be as easy as going down to the pub like it is in Sunshine Cove to get something, I first plan on how much money I will need to spend and if this is really what I should be doing, especially on my own for it's something I haven't even considered touching in so long that I'm scared I'll OD trying to have my usual intake.

With those thoughts rushing through my head I focus back on the TV thinking about my plans for tomorrow and what exactly they will be, and whether I'll end up giving in to my old demons or ignore them like I have been for the past three years.

Wanting to distract myself from my old temptations I start on the mission of transferring the photos from my old phone and onto my new one, though this time I'm able to look at the pictures with less tears in my eyes as I select each one to be Bluetoothed to my phone.