Stellam Matutinam

Turn of Events

After another half an hour being caught up with Nia and the others with their plates still at the table, we're then informed we can leave them there and eventually we are able to sneak past the family members congregating in the kitchen as well as spilling into the lounge room to avoid more conversation.

Finally making it to her bedroom in one piece the door is then closed surprisingly loud behind her, only to realise seconds later she shut it normally and I'm just nervous at what I think might happen.

Hoping I don't freak out like I did last time and wish my calmness carried on from the dinner table where the only time we broke hands was to eat our food, she gains my attention by flopping down on the bed with her arms sprawled out above her head.

Wondering how her boobs haven't fallen out yet, she grabs her cigarettes then throws one to me and pats the empty spot on her bed for me to join her, my subtly shaky knees slowly making it to the bed before I'm lying down beside her and tangling my ponytail in with her loose locks.

"Do you have the li-thank you." I grin goofily then light the smoke I didn't know I was craving until this very moment, the awkward silence that follows a situation like this soon enough coming into play and I'm left wondering when the small talk will start up.

"You excited to work with my Aunty?" she questions after taking a couple of drags from her cigarette and my brain's done guessing what she's going to begin the conversation off with.

"Yeah I actually am, nervous but excited because I can start making money." I explain whilst holding back a giggle considering I know she wants to do more than just talk about my job tomorrow.

"That's the way. f**k you have no idea how glad I am that you came tonight, I don't think I could've handled being in this town for very long until you showed up." she confesses meekly with her eyes still on the ceiling and cigarette burning away in her hand.

"Thank you Nessa, you have helped me too believe it or not. I was scared and didn't know where to begin in starting over with my life, then you walked in and gave me the things I have been dreading to find here, not to mention all in under a week so you can see why I'm still trying to figure out how I can repay you." I blush near the end of my sentence for it now earns her attention and feel her nut brown pools lingering on me as if begging me to face her.

"Well if we're being honest I think we're more than just friends, like I want you so bad and I'm sure it's the same with you. I just felt that I freaked you out last ti-"

"No please don't think that, it's just with Viper and all of t-"

"Of course! No please how could I be so f*****g selfish!" she finally finishes for the both of us, her eyes moistening as she sits up and tries to hide them in the palms of her hands.

"Hey seeing you like this just shows you f*****g care, that's why I'm willing to see where this turns out." I half-smile with a gentle touch on her leg to show her how serious I am, her face slowly revealing itself from behind her hands to display a smile similar to mine only more crestfallen.

"I still feel like a piece of shi-"

"Janessa don't please okay, if I wasn't ready I wouldn't be propositioning this, well more like I dunn-"

"I get ya." she chuckles weakly over me though her eyes are back on her finished cigarette still burning between her fingers.

After a small sigh I reach over to her nightstand and grab the ashtray for her as well as myself, my fingers softy grabbing the smoke from her fingers and butting it out along with my one before I'm straddling her waist and leaning down to place my lips on hers, the movements from my side a little foreign since it's something I haven't done in a long time yet here I am acting as if I do this every weekend.

At first I think I've got the hang of things up until I'm moved below Nessa and she's taking control, Erica's nut brown stare taking over Nessa's and I'm suddenly fighting a little against myself to turn the deep nut brown pools back to the soft ones I was looking down at not too long ago.

Wishing they didn't share the almost exact same eye colour, I'm wishing more I stick out whatever is about to unfold the longer I let her hands roam around my body, my heart slamming in my throat when my brain begs for me to get away.

Sensing her urgent touches ease up my tightly shut eyes slowly release and crack open to discover she's staring down at me in worry and confusion, my smile shaky as I motion for her to continue by placing my hand on the side of her face and using the pad of my thumb to trace against her swollen lips.

Moistening them with the tip of her tongue she's back once more but this time at my neck, making sure to not leave marks for we have work tomorrow though she isn't exactly gentle with her nipping, something I haven't felt in a long time since Viper used to do that.

Happy that I'm able to think of her and not the person that's made it so hard for me to open back up to other people since she managed to destroy what I had built mentally on my first day back here, a memory I'm still trying to push back with loving ones of Viper but for some reason Nessa's now using moves I find very similar to Erica's and I'm back to internally cringing again.

With her hands now underneath the waistband of my underwear after pulling down the stockings so my skirt won't have to come off as well she manages to slide in a finger before another one, a few moments later my eyes returning to their squeezed shut expression and knuckles white due to them clenching the f**k out of the doona we're currently on top of.

Wondering why I can't relax and why her touches aren't sending me insane with lust, I try and focus in on her gentle moans when I attempt to go for another feel of her toned body, her skin smooth and soft to the touch and for a second I start to think I'm getting the hang of forgetting again.

Feeling more of her body and tangling my fingers in her hair so I can hear more of Nessa and not Erica in my head, I finally let a couple of subtle moans of my own which excites her and causes her movements to quicken.

Pretending to finish and instantly feel guilt wreak havoc on me for doing so, she chuckles with her face nuzzled into the side of my neck she couldn't leave alone moments before, our chests rising and falling against one another before she's rolling off me.

Lying there shaking and holding down the vomit that's slowly rising in the back of my throat, I suddenly kick myself into gear and begin pulling my stockings back up, my ponytail a little messy though raking my fingers through it a few seconds helps it back to normal.

"I'll be back with a drink, did you want one?" I offer as Nessa pulls out another cigarette, the voices of her cousins soon reaching my ears and putting me into a further panic of wanting to get out of here.

Why I want to leave is beyond me but the urge is gut wrenching and my body is begging to let it hightail me out of here, only I hold on for a few seconds to make it seem that I'm okay yet in reality I wanna run out crying.

"Nah I'm good thank you." she grins over her cousins yahooing and carrying on, my eyes rolling when Josh pats me on the top of my head on his way past us to take a seat on the bed just only inches away from where I was fingered.

Squirming even more and wishing I was killed on the spot, I'm finally able to leave with the excuse of still wanting a drink once everyone else declines my offer for one, luck finally on my side as I start working on my plan of getting out of this place undetected.

Making sure I have everything I need I'm quick to scan my surroundings before slinking my way to the front door with my next mission being getting my bag out of Nessa's car, the voices of her family members continuing on in the backyard as well as some stray conversations floating around the house.

Eventually exiting the house without being seen and grabbing my bag from Nessa's car, I begin my speed walk away from the house and let the tears I had been holding back, fall.

How am I still so f****d up by Erica when I'm not even in the same f*****g town as her? Like Nessa is nothing like Erica and yet tonight when I was underneath her it felt like I was back with Erica, the name sending the alcohol I had stomached earlier rising back up and all over the middle of the road.

Coughing and heaving out another round it eventually subsides to a few dry heaves then finishes with a burp, the whole ordeal leaving me on my knees trembling as it tries to use the last of my strength to keep me from falling face first in it.

"Lil, hey you okay?" a voice calls in unison with pounding footsteps, my brain too worried about the vomit than the person currently making their way over to me, the cologne wafting from the male hitting a familiar switch in my brain and suddenly Josh's name comes to mind.

There's that fucken presence again, why do I get the sense I'm once again being yelled at?

Searching around like a dickhead knowing I won't catch anything staring back at me, I come out empty handed minus the miniature heart attack I had when I mistook a tree for a figure.

"Hey I ah, don't tell them I'm a weak drinker." I lie lamely only tears soon follow and I'm now a sobbing mess in front of a guy who was probably expecting a lame excuse rather than a bawling woman.

What can I say, tonight's been a bit of a head f**k for me.

"Whoaaa, heyyy what's going on? Did something happen to you regarding a family member?" he demands with a slight frown and arms around me to help guide my weak body to the side of the road, the music from Nessa's place still pumping down the street faintly though not loud enough to make out the song or genre.

"No nothing happened I'm just going through a bit at the moment and needed to clear my head. As I said I shouldn't have drank tonight for I don't think I can handle my alco-"

"You can handle it fine, you just obviously needed to get it off your chest whatever it is that's bothering you. Now if you want to go home I'm not letting you go by yourself so you're stuck with me walking you home." he intervenes and putting my suspicions of him knowing what went on between Nessa and I to rest for he really has no clue as to why I'm so upset.

"Thank you, I just feel bad for Nessa beca-"

"She was fine last time I checked, Nia and Lissa seemed to have her distracted so if you want when I go back I can let her know that I rang a cab for you after noticing that you weren't looking too crash hot." he offers as he takes off his suit jacket to drape it over my shoulders, it suddenly dawning on me that I'm noticeably trembling due to the crisp air my brain is beginning to acknowledge.

"Thank you again Josh for everything, I don't know what I'd do at this point if I didn't have you to help me." I admit without a second's hesitation as to why I feel suddenly so comfortable around him and not his cousin Nessa.

"It is fine honestly. You looked like you needed assistance and there was no way I was gonna leave you in the middle of the road. Besides it looked like something was up anyway when my cousins and I came in to see how you and Nessa were travelling." he states with our bodies once again up and heading in the direction of my place.

"Oh." I squeak since my brain's too scrambled to think of anything else to say right now since he's kind of right about things not being okay with me. But for the sake of an argument and a broken heart I'll just stick to what I do best and that's lie my way out of it.

"Look don't worry, I won't say anything. This stays between you and me but promise me you'd tell me if it was someone from my family that upset you?" he assures me with a gentle smile to let me know that he's here to help though I don't miss the curiosity he's trying so hard to keep at bay yet I can't blame him, he wants to know if I'm fighting with anyone he knows which in this case I'm not but he doesn't have to know that.

"Of course Josh, I'd let you know." I lie once again and mentally punch myself in the face for being so fluent at it, yet months ago I'd be a babbling mess.

"Good. Now we have the serious stuff out of the way, would you mind if I stopped off at home? I gotta grab a couple things on the way past to y-"

"That's totally fine, I just don't want you getting in trouble for le-"

"Well would you look at that, someone's worried about me?" he grins cockily which in return earns an eye roll followed by my arms crossing against my chest, my limbs and torso swimming around in his large suit jacket that's currently keeping me warm.

Although my grin's ripped from my face when the air becomes heavy and my ears start ringing, causing my head to snap back behind me a couple of times to make sure we aren't being followed and the footsteps I think I'm hearing are all in my head.

Knowing the MD is definitely wearing off for my energy levels are dropping and the want to go home is actually becoming a need, Josh is nice enough to keep the conversation going between us until reaching his driveway unbelievably quick.

"f**k me we're here already?" I demand in awe when at first I think he's f*****g with me since that's all he's done this entire walk, only he hasn't hinted he wants to f**k me like Nessa has. If anything he's been awesome company and a total gentleman.

"Yes we are, now you can either come in with me or stay out here but I honestly preferred if you came in because it might start raining soon. The weather also outside doesn't help, I'm pretty sure it said on my phone that it's only ten degrees and will only decline further the longer we're out in it." he explains as I chatter away and wish I was inside already, Josh getting his answer quite quickly for he's now ushering me than himself inside the warmth of his place.

Losing my eyes in the Prussian blue walls yet again and almost blinding myself on the snowy oak floorboards, I take a seat on the familiar five seater that weird army green and standing out a little against the mahogany table.

"Take a seat and make yourself comfortable, would you like a drink?" he offers whilst dumping his half-empty sounding backpack on the floor near the front door where he's also kicking his shoes off, my mind hoping he doesn't take his time for the last of my MD I took is certainly wearing thin now.

"Sure if that's okay?" I squeak and wipe the corners of my mouth out of habit since all night I've been convincing myself mainly they don't know I'm on anything, though the drugs are giving me false confidence right now and that's the worst when someone knows you're already lying.

"Not a problem, alcoholic or non-alcoholic?" he offers on his way still to his kitchen, my brain tossing the two options up for a second before settling on something non-alcoholic to help settle my queasy stomach.

Checking the time on my phone I find I'm not able to for the battery is dead, leaving me to guess what time I think it is and instantly thinking it's hitting to one in the morning, my eyes flickering around the place for a few moments until deciding to flick on the TV and wait for him to get back.

Taking his sweet time I'm about to get up and see if he's okay when I pick up the unmistakable sound of his heavy footfalls coming back towards the lounge room, my arse once again settling down on the couch and repositioning itself into a comfortable position as he returns with a drink of dark pink liquid in a cup.

Being able to finally relax inside the confines of Josh's home, I still catch myself glimpsing from time to time out the lounge room window to see if I'm able to spot anything.

That's until Josh notices my obsession with his window and decides to pull the curtains shut with a small smile, though still doesn't ask me what's got my attention all of a sudden.

"Raspberry cordial, it's kinda all I have other than water and alcohol." he smiles nervously in favour of changing the unspoken subject and placing it down in front of me.

Seconds later with the corners of my mouth picking up into a grin, I'm taking the cup and pretending to hate the taste of it, Josh's eyes widening with worry for a moment until catching on that I'm f*****g with him.

"See you f****d it." I go on after being asked for the millionth time what the problem with it is, a belly driven laugh echoing around his lounge room when the priceless look of confusion plastered on his face never falters the longer I continue to laugh at him.

"f**k off and drink it." he snaps jokingly as he shoots up from his seat a cushion over from the one I'm sitting on to find something behind his TV, my brows subtly knitting together as I even attempt to figure out what he's retrieving but come out empty.

Spinning around with a bong in his hand, I'm instantly taken back to the late nights I'd spend with Maddy and Fran drinking and getting absolutely shitfaced one way or another, our main choice of smoking paraphernalia being the bong I had a hard time shaking off when I was in hospital.

"You don't mind if I did this? It's a habit I've taken up behind my family's back." he confesses a little sheepishly whilst taking a seat on the cushion that separated the both of us, my heart skipping a beat when his skin touches with mine though I'm quick to write it off as nothing.

"Not at all I mean if we're trading secrets, I used to smoke pot but gave it up and started smoking cigarettes instead." I admit with a hint of a lie sprinkled in there because who would I be if I didn't taint everything with a fucken lie in order to keep my f****d up past hidden.

"Well if we're going to be really honest, pot isn't the only thing I do and I think you're the sa-"

"Heeeyyy what the hell are you on about?" I intervene with a smirk to show I know he's f*****g with me, only deep down I think he knows I've been trying to hide the fact that I have been off my face all night.

"Come on Lil I've taken that many f*****g pills and smoked that many rocks it ain't funny. Now what's the drug of choice tonight? I have some MD and Speed stashed left over from last weekend." he states as he packs himself a cone then offers the bowl to me, my hands taking it out of habit I haven't been able to get my hands on until now since Luca was nice enough to give me those free caps.

Remembering I also have to ask him for weed next time I build up the courage to ask him, I then consider Josh a contact for I see him more than Luca, something I hope doesn't get back to his cousins for they legit tell each other everything. Well not everything since he doesn't know what happened between Nessa and I but still, they pretty much know everything about one another.

"It's MD but please don't tell Ne-"

"Your secret is safe with me yet again, but it's good because now you have as much dirt on me as I do with you." he winks and instantly it puts me at ease with the whole him telling his cousins what might go on here tonight, thing.

Fuck, I knew I wasn't fooling everyone! My sweating was a dead giveaway along with my sandpaper mouth I attempted to hide as well but to no avail, if I'm around someone who appears to do it most weekends then I might just forget it altogether for I'm not pulling the wool over his eyes.

"It seems like we're full of secrets tonight."

"I know right, I hope we can spend more time together for I'm really enjoying your company, something I can see why my female cousins like you so much."

"Ah really? I honestly thought I was too awkwa-"

"You were but when I noticed you were on something later after we picked you up from Nessa's work only I didn't want to assume that yet. It then instantly hit me that you were on something when I noticed how hot you looked regardless if the weather outside was only warm. I later confirmed it when you were dying in the shopping centre and that's why I took you for a drink to suss it out even further. It's good that my cousins are oblivious to that s**t, but it sucks for you because you couldn't get it past me."

"Well no s**t, we're discussing drugs together."

Laughing as he gets up from his position on the couch he pulls out two baggies from his back pocket before returning to his seat and showing me the said substances he named prior to this moment, my heart skipping a beat at the sight of more MD and Speed, a drug I haven't touched since my last dabble in MD.

"Oh so you actually brought them out?" I state a little in shock at the fact that he wasn't lying and he really does have drugs stashed, something I didn't think I'd find myself doubting up until this point.

"Yeah I had a feeling we'd have this conversation." he grins then begins on his task of choosing what one he wants to have a bit of.

"Well since it is getting late I assume you're having that quick bump to get you through the next part of our walk back to mine?" I ask when he decides on the Speed and starts tapping the baggie's contents on the smooth surface of his coffee table.

"Excuse me but I believe it shall be the both of us having some. If I recall you threw your guts up so whatever was left of the MD in your system is most definitely gone. Have some of this and you will perk right the f**k up." he suggests whilst pointing at the two lines I guess are mine for he's racking up another two.

"Well f**k I don't want to seem like I'm scabby or any-"

"Lil I wouldn't have brought this out if I knew I'd have to share. Now snort those two and tell me what it is like." he orders over me with a nonchalant flap of his wrist in my direction, my words clearly having no effect on his judgement on me since he's still offering me the rolled up note in his hand much to my dislike in accepting free drugs. Especially from someone who could f**k my entire life in one day.

"Okay fine but I now owe you." I murmur the last part more to myself as I position the rolled up note to the rim of my left nostril, my right hand blocking the right nostril so I'm able to get a good suction going.

The first line is like fire, burning the f**k out of my nose and causing my eyes to water up instantly over a small line of yellow powder, the next one a little bigger and finding myself having to swap nostrils for this one.

Hoping I don't blow out bits of blood like I did last time I snorted lines, I am then distracted by Josh handing me the bong and mix bowl, my heart racing yet again as I picture myself coughing up a lung and him picking on me for it.

Wondering if the darts I've been smoking all night has helped my throat withstand the smoke of a bong, I put that theory to the test by packing myself a small cone with the lame excuse of it being my tester cone since I don't know what his bong's like.

To my surprise I don't die in the arse and make it through the full cone, Josh impressed with my cone sinking skills until he's packing himself another one and commenting on the TV being on, my heart stopping for a second before realising that it was me who did it and start laughing.

"Yeah sorry I got bored waiting for you, hope you don't mind?" I squeak sheepishly as my eyes dart from him to the TV he's now muting in favour of yet again getting up and disappearing to the stereo he has hooked up to a mad looking surround sound system.

"Don't stress I'll just do this." he grins then chucks on foreign rap I find myself tapping along to the bassy arse beats, the language not going to lie sounding attractive as f**k and interesting me enough to ask him what language this guy's speaking.

"Italian they are surprisingly. Not bad hey? It's a bit better than some of the Australian rap we have here." he explains as we're once again comfortable on his couch mixing our attention between the muted TV and small talk going on between Josh and I.

"Oh s**t, you'd think that with me hearing enough of your family's mother tongue tonight I'd be able to pick it already." I explain with slightly heated cheeks when he moves an inch closer to me on the couch in favour of grabbing for the bong.

"So my language intrigues you I see." he speaks up after exhaling his thick cloud of smoke and semi-blocking the TV's picture.

"A bit yeah, only because I don't hang around with many people who speak two languages." I admit when it's my turn for a cone.

"I was hoping it was more than the fact that I could speak Italian that interested you." he grins casually though I don't miss the way his chest indicates his quickness of breath due to the turn in conversation.

Uh-oh, how did I not know this was going to happen? I mean can't I just be happy with what happened between Nessa and I? Why do I have to try and make myself feel at home in the presence of someone else who also happens to be close to that person? Family close.