Stellam Matutinam

Turn of Events: Part II

Maybe this is the sign I begged Viper for I mean his closeness doesn't unsettle me and his slight touches here and there when we're exchanging items such as the bong, doesn't make my skin crawl. So if this is then how the f**k am I gonna tell Nessa that I'm f*****g around with her cousin, a cousin I promised her I had no feelings of attraction whatsoever yet here I am happily flirting innocently back.

"Well that's just a bonus for you I guess." I shrug as casually as he's trying to play it off only we both know that this small talk won't last long at all.

"Before we continue with whatever it is that's f*****g going on here because even I'm a little confused as you, but can you be honest about one thing and that's what's going on between you and Nessa?" he asks the dreaded question I didn't think he'd have the balls to ask me, yet here we are and I'm now a deer caught in a set of headlights whilst trying to conjure up a sentence in my scrambled brain.

"Okay f**k, in all honesty I don't know man. Whatever she has told you is true but depending on what she said. Other than that I don't know how I feel towards her let alone you considering I just want to enjoy being single for a bit. Ever since Viper I've found it ha-"

"Who's that?" he frowns as more curiosity stacks onto his stare, my chest in-taking a deep breath before delving into the short story of what I told Nessa, his reaction pretty much the same as Nessa's though he's not quick to wrap his arms around me and tell me he's sorry.

"f**k that's pretty intense to go through, is that one of the reasons why you moved here?" he goes on with his question taking me by surprise for it's one I was never really asked, especially by Nessa and she's asked me some hard ones already.

"I guess yeah, another one was because of my spoilt sister Erica. But I have you and your cousins to thank for helping my transition here easy." I explain further and observe as he leans back in his spot, link his fingers behind his head and cross his ankles.

"Thank you Lil I appreciate that though I will ask and sorry for being a bit nosey but what exactly have you and my cousin done? Only because I don't want to step on any toes." he questions and don't miss the slight hurt lingering in his eyes and wonder if it's over me or something to do with what he and his cousin have possibly spoken about on the subject of me.

I get that but if he's hurt by the question he's asked me then I can only imagine the response I'm going to cop, but he will eventually find out so there's no point hiding it from him. He might as well know before Nessa beats me to it.

"Nessa and I hooked up for a bit then you know, f-"

"Riiiight, well thanks for telling me, I mean you didn't have to tell me that part but I appreciate it. Just know that it stays between us and I won't mention it to her. Just know this though I won't fight over a girl when it comes to members of my family being involved. All I ask is that you don't f**k with the both of us in your journey of finding out what you want." he speaks over me with a half-smile tugging the corner of his mouth, though I don't miss the subtle warning of his choice in me having to choose him or Nessa for he won't tolerate me f*****g both of them at the same time.

I get that, if I was in his position I would say the same thing if it meant saving someone close to me from unnecessary heartbreak.

"I understand, so you must understand that is why I left the party early tonight. I don't think I could." but stop myself from finishing off the rest of my sentence considering I almost coughed up my past with Erica.

"You could what?" he presses with his top half pushing itself off the couch to sit closer to me, my eyes stuck on my hands to try and fight back the stinging tears I have threatening to break free.

"I ah, look I've also been in a couple of abusive relationships before Viper. It took me a while to get used to her touches and I'm finding it hard with Nessa for it brings back bad memories of my ex's." I explain the best I can without giving too much away, something I wish I could get off my chest and dump the darkness on someone else for a day. Yet I can't do that and glad I can't for this burden is no one else's to bear but mine.

"I assume they were girls?" he pipes up after a moment's silence, his voice nearly silent against the music that's currently playing in the background as I nod my head to confirm.

Cunt, if he can piece that together then who else knows what he's picked up from me without my knowledge?

"f**k me, is that why you're so I guess carefree with me, not so on edge and stiff?"

"Yeah, I just, can you see why I'm having a hard time being around Nessa right now? She's an amazing girl and I have her to thank for coming out of my shell a bit, but it's every time I can sense she wants to get intimate I freak and flee. It's honestly not f*****g her, its f*****g me!"

Eventually breaking down and falling cheek first into his toned chest, I continue to cry the tears I've held in for most of the night every time Nessa's name is mentioned until he's pulling away and cleaning the reminder of them with the pads of his thumbs.

"Don't stress I'm sure we can find out a way to tell Nessa considering I assume she doesn't know about your abusive past relationships with other girls?"

"No she doesn't."

"And if you don't mind me asking but, what were their names? I mean I won't do anything considering they live too far away but, at least knowing their names will-"

"I understand and thank you for caring about me, but their names are Fran and Maddy."

Instantly feeling guilty for running their names through the dirt a bit, I somehow subside that guilt with the fact that my past is more important than names of people we will probably forget about tomorrow.

"You have no idea how proud of you I am for coming out and saying this, it must have been really f*****g hard for you. Here, have a bong darl you need it." he offers to try and lighten the mood which it weirdly does for I don't feel like playing in my self-pity pool today, his words sending a warmth through me that has my smile reaching my eyes for the first time since Viper's death.

"Thank you but if you keep this up I'll start crying again." I choke as I start to pack the cone with shaky hands, his cute chuckle sending fresh tears down my cheeks and earning another tight hug from him though he's aware to not knock my arms.

"Come now none of this, here want another line?" he offers as another laugh sounds in the back of his throat and I'm trying my hardest to stop the flooding tears.

"If that's okay? Only because I know that s**t will help hold it in." I sob into my hands when packing the said cone is too much for my brain to comprehend right now.

"Sweetheart of course." he soothes before reaching up to cup the side of my face then bring it around to look at his, his muddy brown pools stuck on mine the more he takes in my puffy eyes and red nose until he's leaning in and brushing his lips against mine.

Closing my eyes in pleasure and not in anticipation of wanting the moment to end, I deepen the kiss and press my breasts harder into the palms of his hands the minute he gropes for them, a small moan sounding in the back of my throat when he attacks the same side of my neck Nessa was hours before though I'm begging him not to stop.

"Did you want me to stop?" he breathes after nipping my neck and getting a gasped response, my head shaking quickly whilst bringing his lips back down on my neck that soon trail down to the crevice of my boobs.

Not bothering to take it to the bedroom just yet, we make out a little bit more with his hands subtly trying to undress me on the couch, my anxiety getting the better of me when I think Nessa could come bursting through the door any moment as I avert his hands to other places on my body.

Eventually taking it to the bedroom after being helped up from the couch, it takes me a few seconds to glance around his double bed that hasn't been made and few items of stray clothes spotting his floor here and there before I'm told to get comfortable while he retrieves the bong and baggies.

Observing him disappear into his walk in wardrobe to the left of me from the bed, my eyes flicker back to the desk he has set up with a desktop consisting of three screens instead of one, the lights on the monitor and keyboard flashing different colours before I'm back to looking at the flatscreen TV mounted to the wall adjacent to me.

Unlacing my Docs and leaving the rest of my clothes on apart from my tights, he returns with said items bunched in his hands until he's offering me more lines or a bump of MD, my gaze on the gruesome yet distracting band posters behind and around him as he makes his way over to the bed.

"Umm MD." I give in after a second's hesitation on wondering why we're not continuing on where we left off.

"Cool. Don't worry we will go back to what we were doing in a minute, I thought I'd have some more only because the Speed isn't cutting it for me." he explains as he grabs his lighter and breaks off a couple of chunks from the larger rock of MD he still has left over, my brain calculating them as two points each he's about to dish out.

Gulping them down with the raspberry cordial he made for me earlier and was nice enough to bring in for me, we instantly pick up where we left off though this time I'm not holding him back from undressing me until the scars on my legs stop any further undressing.

"What's wrong?" he questions when I sit up and cover my thighs the best I can with my skirt, hoping he hasn't felt or noticed the mutilations on my legs only for some reason I doubt he's going to be left in the dark about it for very long.

"Ahh I don't know how to say this but, it is okay if we do this with the light off?" I squeak whilst my heart rate begins to subtly climb.

"Why, you have body issues?" he questions with that slight frown coming back to taint his brow.

"Something like that." I answer awkwardly for it kind of is a body issue thing.

"Well you're not fat if that's what you're wondering." he frowns deeper when he assumes that's what I think is wrong with me.

"No! It's not that at all. I um, f**k I don't know how to explain." I frown in frustration at the lack of words I'm able to conjure up right now in my brain for I could've just said it instead of readying myself to show him.

"Oh." is all he says once he's done going over the scars with his fingertips and large eyes drinking in the discoloration of my legs.

"So can you see why I want the light-"

"Lilith this doesn't bother me. Now are they also on your arms?" he intervenes gently with his hands making their way to mine.

Nodding my head he only sighs before leaning forward and kissing my forehead, my eyes squeezing shut to fight back the incoming tears but to no avail when one slips from its restraints, Josh finally pulling away to only place his lips ever so softly against mine.

"If you want the light off we can have it off. I'll just open the curtains and let the night's light in." he suggests with me happily agreeing to that and observe as he does just that, my hands quickly stripping the rest of my clothes from my body before he's jumping in next to me.

Making a sound after realising I'm naked in his bed once his hands find my bare skin in places he thought were clothed, I'm then hearing the unmistakable rustling of him also getting undressed followed by the clothes hitting the floor, Josh then making his way between my legs to continue the make out sesh with my brain begging this moment to never end.

The guilt of Nessa is sadly not present much to the disgust I have towards myself for it, the one who shall not be named is finding it hard to destroy this moment for me since all I can feel right now is pleasure and not pain.

It's that intense and heated is doesn't take long for the moment to be over, our bodies trembling against one another as sweat coats out bodies like a second skin, Josh leaning down to give me one last tender kiss before he's pulling out and collapsing down beside me.

"s**t it felt a lot quicker than what it was, we've been going at it for two hours." he pants after patting around for his phone on his nightstand to see what time it is.

"f**k that's what I hate about MD and that, you either take way too long or not long enough. But in this case it's weirdly different." I breathe alongside him attempting to casually catch my breath in amongst repositioning myself so that my head is on his chest, and my arm that isn't being crushed by my own body is draped loosely over his middle.

"Definitely. Hey I never asked you." he starts off once our breathing has steadied and we're comfortable in each other's arms.

"Yeah?" I semi-whisper with my eyes darting all around the moonlit room, some features of his face visible but you have to squint a bit to get a good look at them.

"Do you plan on staying here long? I mean are you hoping to stay in this town long enough to enjoy working under my Aunty?" he questions and feel my face split into a smile when I can hear his heart rate thumping a little quicker upon asking such a question.

"Well if things keep going the way they are I might consider staying." I tease with a grin whilst searching the semi-pitch black room to see if I can sense how he's taking my flirtatious comment.

"Oh that's sweet, loving the flattery." he states sarcastically though I can hear the hint of a smile creeping into his tone.

"No but if you do, will the people back in your old hometown care? Do they even know you're here?" he presses when he observes my slight flinch at his first question and a more noticeable squirm on his second.

Have I already told him too much? Is it too late to turn around because I promised myself as soon as I stepped into this town that I would take my past to the grave with me, no matter how hard it tries to rear its ugly head and ruin my new life.

"How about we talk about that another time? It's late is it not and I have work tomorrow, well more like a trial shift in a way tomorrow at your Aunty's shop and I don't wanna f**k it up. Now goodnight Josh, we have a big day of battling off sleep in a few hours once my alarm goes off." I explain after remembering the charging phone on my side of the bed Josh was nice enough to bring in for me.

"Oh alright then you old fart, I'll let you make me go to bed early this once but next time you aren't getting out of it lightly." he warns with a kiss on the top of my head and blankets moving around to make it more comfortable for the both of us.

For the first time in years I'm able to fall asleep in the arms of someone who I feel will protect me from the world and the harm it dishes out my way, the demons that come for me night and day either when I'm awake or asleep, even if it is only a couple of nights a week.

It's good to be able to pass out and not worry about where I'm going to wake up next or having the law break down the door. It's good to be finally free.