Stellam Matutinam

Paranoia & Blessings: Part II

Sitting in the passenger's seat of a random drug dealer's car listening to him chew out Jackson for a few brief moments until the conversation is ended and Luca's back in the car with a scowl heavy on his face, the poisonous stare soon dissipating when it lands on me and a grin cracks across his lips to assure me that he's okay.

"Well as you can tell that was Jackson. The cockhead passed out and forgot because the cunt had been up for four days straight on the meth. Maaan gotta love crackheads, but it is all part of this s**t and I asked for it by dealing it. Now enough about me since I actually have to go soon, Jackson wasn't my only client tonight, but what brings you to this town? It's legit a town where no one stays for longer than a month. It gets too much for them and people complain it's never quiet at night time, so people only swing through here on occasion when they need something from here." he starts off with questions I was dreading he'd ask, the lie I told to Nessa and her cousins coming back like a script from a play and instantly I'm spewing him the same bullshit.

Before you know it I'll be making up songs and dances to go with it!

"It's never easy with family, especially when one's younger than the other. I just hope that when Erica gets older, they can start paying more attention to you and see the wrong in them pretty much pushing you out of home from lack of attention." he sums up in a way that kinda has me wondering if I'm being looked at as a sook, though I really couldn't care for the less he knows about the true me the better.

I don't think I could handle seeing the look on his face when I tell him I was molested for years by my foster sister Erica and that my foster parents refused to see what was going on, that or how I was locked away in a psychiatric ward with supposed schizophrenia and that everything that happened to me was all in my head. I just couldn't. Wouldn't. Won't.

"Yeah." is all I can say and kick myself for letting that get to me; he doesn't need to know how much this s**t affects me.

"I'm sorry for ask-"

"No you're fine, it helps to get s**t out." I cut across him though remind myself of Becca my Psych Doctor who would use that phrase constantly.

"Well I'm glad you see it that way too. Hey random question, you smoke pot?" he half-grins in hopes of changing the conversation to a better one for both of our sake.

"Ah-yeah, why's that?" I sniff with a watery chuckle sounding in the back of my throat in attempts to try and convince myself to not shed the tears building up behind my eyes as we currently speak.

"Just so I know what to keep around for if you need anything." he shrugs nonchalantly and at first I'm confused as to what he's trying to get at, only to sense my cheek heat up real quick when it dawns that he wants to see me again.

"Wow, and what makes you think I'd ask you?" I shoot back teasingly and feel my heart flutter when his nicely shaped brows shoot up in surprise and his arms are suddenly folded against his chest.

"Trust me, once you leave here with what you've got, you'll be back. But I'm also warning you, I refuse to let a person continue to buy off me when I can see it's eating up their lives. Some say I'm a good dealer, others say I'm still a piece of s**t because I still sell. So no matter what way you look at it, I'm a cunt. Anyway I'm used to that judgement so it really doesn't bother me these days, it's like I've copped that s**t for millennia." he admits only the last part of his sentence seems to bring back a little emotion for him too since his voice is now low and almost mournful.

"Well if it's worth anything I won't judge, I mean I had my chance when you told me about what you do, but hey I take the s**t so I really am in no position to judge. So if you ask me I'm probably the best person to come to if you've had enough judgement for the day. I mean I'd rip on you but that's about it." I grin and watch as one forms at the corners of his lips too, my hammering heart quickening it's pace as the MD fully hits and realise that's why I'm opening up and joking more with him.

"Who knew, a random chick in the woods would be my new possible frie-"

"What do you mean possible friends? We just dropped MD in your car and met in the most bizarre way, I honestly think that goes straight to friendship." I declare casually whilst opening the car door and readying myself to get out for a cigarette.

"Hey don't leave, I was only jo-"

"I'm having a smoke it's all good." I laugh and show him what I'm doing, this time Luca blushing a bit before he's running a hand through the front of his hair as if not caring what I was about to do.

"Ah okay, well you can smoke it in here. I do it all the time." he informs then observes as I climb back in the car and he cracks the window open for me.

"Hey aren't you meant to be getting to your other clie-" only before I can get the rest of my sentence out my phone starts ringing.

"Sorry give me a sec." I blurt in unison with getting my phone out to see who's calling me, my eyes instantly zoning in on Nessa's name and for some reason I'm internally freaking out.

Fuck, what am I going to say? I can't keep avoiding her though or otherwise she's going to know something's up, and that's the last thing I want for she craved me and I longed for her touch all night tonight as well as giving each other that look everyone does before they end up naked under the sheets together.

It has been a long time since I've had any attention of that kind so the slightest touch from the right person and the perfect time can really f**k with me in a good way, a way I wanted to continue on with back at Nessa's place.

Though in my case I guess I was saved from something I don't think I'm ready for just yet since it wasn't that long ago Erica tried her bullshit on me, but it's still nice to know that I'll eventually warm up to the girl for I wouldn't have returned the light touches or sat quite close to her with one of my legs draped over hers underneath the table we were at, that or let her inch closer to the place I desperately wanted her to touch much to my shyness of her doing so.

As I said my sexuality went from guys to girls thanks to Viper, still on girls as well as slowly making their way back to the guys too, something that's very confusing for my messed up brain for it feels like I should choose one and not the both.

But why, why can't I have both considering everyone else who has the same feelings as me can, so why is my brain so adamant on me making a choice? Can't it just be happy with whoever I choose?

"Hey Nessa I'm so sorry I took so long getting back to you, I passed out for a bit at home after throwing my guts up and actually just woke up." I explain softly in a way to really sell the fact that I really did just wake up.

"Oh s**t you poor thing! I hope you're okay I thought I did something to upset you." she confesses and instantly her touch on my thighs comes back to stir a storm in the pit of my belly.

"No not at all, I had a really good night and plan on making it up to you." I grin as I assure her that what happened between us was good and that she's picking up what I'm putting down in referring to me making it up to her.

"f**k yeah you're on for that, I just hope you can. Now remember you left your bag of spare clothes at mine so I'll come and drop it off tomorrow." she giggles when I mentally slap myself for not realising I only had one bag with me and not two.

That and I'm still smirking at the fact that she has no idea how serious I am right now, the MD almost causing me to forget that I'm in Luca's car and reel back the dirty talk to keep it like I'm talking to a friend.

"Ah s**t I'm so sor-"

"Don't even, you can make it up to me tomorrow." she laughs all flirty like before hearing the voices of her cousins as well as a male in the background all carrying on and still having a good night.

Shit, I wonder who got lucky tonight.

"I sure will, tell the girls thanks for an awesome night and that I'll look forward to seeing them tomorrow as well."

"Will do Lil good night and have a big sleep for me, I had an awesome night and have you to thank for that."

"Don't sweat it; it was fun for me too. I'm just sorry I left so early."

"That's alright s**t happens. Now get to bed before you start feeling sick again!'

"Alright Nessa goodnight and see you tomorrow."

Hanging up I give myself a few seconds to brace myself for what Luca might have to say, only he looks amused by the whole thing and has multiple questions written all over his face.

"Did you feel sick or were you ditching them for another reason?" he grins when I let out a deep sigh and stare hard at the car's ceiling as I try and think of what I should tell him.

"I kinda ditched so that's the real reason why I went for a walk. I needed to get some fresh air, but the night however was awesome actually. Probably the first set of mates I've had in a long time I really enjoy hanging out with." I confess when I think back to how awkward I was at the start of the night and how much I managed to warm up to them near the end, especially Nessa.

Don't get me wrong Nia and Lissa have awesome personalities like their cousin Nessa, but I sense they're more straight edge than Nessa for Nessa smokes and they don't, let alone they drank wine all night while Nessa and I got hammered on rum. That and we seem to listen to a lot of similar music whereas the other two don't really like music at all but will tolerate it when they're drinking.

"That's good I just thought I would ask because it appeared like you were dreading the call for a second." he admits only I'm too concerned about Nessa and the guilt I have for ditching, I just wish she knew really why I did it.

"No not at all. I just didn't wanna tell her I was wandering around the streets at all hours of the night trying to sober myself up." I shrug and mentally pat myself on the back for being able to keep up with the bullshit I'm spewing.

"Fair point, hey what were you going to tell me before your phone rang?" he frowns curiously as he awaits for my answer, my brain feeling like a sieve right now as I try and shift through the events prior to Nessa calling me but find it hard thanks to the MD getting in the way.

"I honestly can't remember now, I got distracted." I giggle sheepishly with Luca chuckling away in unison.

"Alrighty well I've gotta get going to my other clien-"

"Oh that's it!" I blurt over him then slap a hand across my mouth, instantly causing Luca's laugh to rise a few decibels before flapping his hand at me as if to confirm it is okay I did that.

"Well there you go, but anyway if you need a lift back to yours since it's still pissing down with rain I am more than happy to help since I'm probably going that way anyway, but the choice is yours since you're probably still a little nervous about being in a car with a complete stranger." he smirks playfully which I'm only shrugging and returning his expression with only my left eyebrow c****d.

"To be honest I've been dealing with that many strangers I've kinda gotten used to it." I lie since I still don't know where I stand with this guy. I mean who just invites a random chick into their car and shout them drugs as an apology for being a d**k?

Unless I'm really f*****g lucky and I managed to score a new contact for drugs as well as a bit of eye candy to go with it, I'm a little annoyed at myself for thinking the way I am right now and recall where all this is coming from, only to hit when I remember how I was on MD back in the day.

This time I won't be going back to his place and mixing myself up with his bullshit to get closer in hopes of scoring free drugs.

"Alright then strap yourself in." he instructs with a smile sounding in the back of his throat, my hands doing just that before gentle music starts up with the engine.

Confirming that he's a metalhead due to the pig squeals and deep guttural growls that're coming from his stereo, we delve into that topic for a bit and find myself drawn to him a little more for not many people I've met in my life share the same opinion as me these days. So it's refreshing to find someone who knows what you're on about when you open your mouth on the topic about music.

"Thanks again for tonight, it was weirdly fun if that's not ah, weird to say?" I state hesitantly as we pull up across the road from the apartment complex I'm currently staying in, the moon glinting off the two large buildings connecting in the middle by the large enclosed walkway I use to get to my side of the building and huge opened gates welcoming me into the dead car park.

"Not at all, I was thinking the same thing. You live here?" he questions in unison of pointing at the large buildings.

"Yeah the one on the left at the top, I was pretty lucky getting the place for the price I'm paying." I murmur more to myself when memories of the elderly couple helping me out as if I was one of their family members, coming back to put a small smile on my face and ask the universe to put me in their path again for I want to thank them.

"Ah you must have good connections then, that place is very expensive indeed." he explains though I don't miss the falter in his smile as he tries to piece something together in his head.

"What is there something I should kno-"

"No not at all, sorry I got distracted by something. You know what it's like when you have MD, you tend to forget a lot of s**t until later on during the night it comes back and it's too late to do anything about it. But here's my number anyway, call me if you're still interested in that pot I propositioned to you before, I need to sell it and I currently know too many hard drug users who refuse to smoke it." he goes on which indicates that's a wrap up for tonight's events, my being a little deflated when I realise after this I'll be left on my own to either try and get some sleep or pull an all-nighter.

"No I get it I was the same before, but I shall call you. I will need that pot soon for it gets boring some times on my own." I admit more to myself yet jolt when I sense a hand softly rest on top of mine.

"First of all I'm sorry for scaring you, I probably should've told you I was grabbing your hand, but secondly I just wanted to tell you that if you get bored and I don't have anything on. You're more than welcome to hit me up and see what I'm up to. I don't do much either myself other than deal and travel. Most of my acquaintances I tend to not invite over for they don't ever f*****g leave, like they smoke all ya s**t then f**k off when they realise there's nothing left." he confesses a little bitterly though his hand doesn't move from mine that's now wrapping around his to let him know I'm okay with his touch.

"Don't even stress I know exactly what you mean, I used to hang around people like that until I moved. It can get quite lonely once you realise the supposed friends you had are only there for the drugs and not the company. Anyway night Luca and thanks again, you're the first guy who's company I've enjoyed being in. I haven't felt that in a long time so, yeah. Cheers for that. Oh and if you ever need someone to chill with I'm more than happy to be of service. As you see I'm new to this town so who better to make friends than with someone new? You get the privilege of being their tour guide." I get out awkwardly at the end and witness as his small smile ends up a large ear splitting grin.

"Thanks Lil, you too. Just give me a message for whatever, I'm sure we'll see each other again soon." he chuckles as I climb out of the car and gently close it behind me, Luca making sure I make it across the road and onto the apartment's property then he's off to do whatever it is Ivan does on a weekend.

Scurrying to the reception area I slow my pace when I make it through the glass double doors and nod to the security dude behind the desk, the man only looking up from his newspaper for a few seconds to suss out whether I'm a threat or not then pulls away to continue on his newspaper.

Shrugging it off I tiptoe my way to the elevator and press for the floor I need to be on, waiting as it climbs down from the last floor it stopped at until it dings and it's my turn to get in, my stomach almost dropping as it pulls me up and the buttons begin flicking to inform me what floors we're currently passing.

Arriving on the tenth floor where the large walkway that joins on to the other apartment building is, I pick up my quick pace and take that with me to another elevator on the opposite side of the one I just came out of to take me up to the top floor I'm on.

With the whole process taking me at least five minutes, I eventually get to my apartment and burst through the door as a large wave of relief washes over me, my eyes instantly locking on to the large windows displaying the balcony and beautiful forest that surrounds this place.

Turning on only the lounge room light, I eventually turn the kitchen one on to see what I'm in the mood for in the drink department, as well as my bedroom when I decide I need my phone charger.

Playing some light music similar to the stuff I was playing with Nessa near the start of the night, it eventually turns to metal and now my thoughts go from Nessa and how we were all night to Luca and how it ended up with him.

Peering at his number on a piece of paper he tore off a random bill he had on the floor of his car, my hands shake a little as I add his contact into my phone along with Nessa's, Nia's and Lissa's numbers as well.

Not sure if I like how fast everything is travelling and if I'll adjust just as quick, I hope Viper can see that I really am trying to live my life like I promised her on the times we'd talk about me getting out.

She already made it clear to me she'd be in there a lot longer than me after I left, something I didn't really understand until the day I found out she committed suicide.

Squeezing my eyes tightly shut to try and rid the memory from my thoughts in favour of keeping my s**t together, I grab my phone back out to distract myself for right now isn't the time to get worked up, especially since I have a bit of MD travelling through my system.

What would Luca or the others think if they found out I left because I got admitted back into hospital?

Not wanting to go there let alone ponder more on it, I pull out the remaining caps I have left and really think long and hard if I should have another, my lips pouting out in thought until I give in and drop another one.

Getting comfortable on the couch and blinking a few times at the screen as I wait for a game to load and suddenly feel the weird sense of being watched, my head looking out to the balcony to discover nothing but darkness.

Shaking my head but not the feeling of being watched, I have about half an hour tops before the next one kicks in and I either have the courage to face what I think's lurking on my balcony or my brain forgets it altogether.

With that I decide to download a few more games on my phone using the free Wi-Fi to save my data, my mind informing me that it's going to be pretty boring until the others wake up to drop my things off.