Stellam Matutinam

Paranoia & Blessings

"NO! I'm not taking your shift tomorrow! Tell Aunty Felicity you can't be f****d working she's your and Lissa's Mum! Besides I have a doctor's appointment!" Nessa cackles after I don't know how many shots and a reminder text from Nia and Lissa's Mum reminding Nia of her shift tomorrow.

"I'll do it, f**k it!" I throw in as if I also work there which instantly has the girls in fits of laughter.

"f*****g, done! It's settled Lilith! You're rocking up to work tomorrow in my place!" Nia announces loudly with a slap on the table top and mixing in with the pub patron's conversation making up the loud atmosphere the girls and I are battling away with.

"Don't listen to our bullshit, though it would be good to have you work with me. I'm really enjoying tonight and have a feeling work days together would be just as fun." Nessa informs near my ear whilst her cousins are now busy laughing and carrying on with each other, Nessa's soft touch running up and down my hot thigh and suddenly I'm breaking out in goosebumps.

"Well that all depends on whether this boss of yours will like me." I shoot back teasingly when I return the touch to her tattooed arm, her olive complexion almost gold in one light each time it hits her skin and making out her nut brown eyes into pools of obsidian.

"Trust me if I do, she will." she murmurs a little closer to my ear this time, her lips just grazing the top of my cheek as she pulls away to sip on her drink.

"Oh is that so, well I'm happy to inform you that I like you too." I beam with my hands now laced together in my lap.

"That's good I was hoping so." she giggles then replaces her touch back on my thigh though it's a little higher than last time, instantly bringing back images of Viper instead of Erica like I expected it too only I don't deny that Erica lingers in the back of my thoughts.

The dance floor ahead of us is crammed full of people thanks to the band playing up on the slight stage the pub has to offer, forty plus tables for four or six people spread out around the eating area soon mixing in with the dance floor and people on it, eighties music smashing my ears and chest as the bass continues to rumble through it.

With more continuous flirting and touching that has me wanting to ditch the pub and head back to her place, we cool our advances down so I can smash down the rest of my rum and coke before excusing myself to use the toilet.

Nessa's removes her hand from underneath my skirt that was trying to get a feel of what's between my legs much to my distaste of her stopping and my bladder getting in the way, instantly promising her we'll pick up where we left off when I get back.

Though I only get a few steps away from the table and into the thickness of the crowd before I spot two Police Officers strolling in with their hats underneath their arms, eyes squinted and scanning the area through the coloured lights the stage is throwing off and darkness engulfing the parts each light misses.

Freezing in place and hoping they don't see me, I don't hesitate to leg it when their backs are turned and burst out the front entrance of the pub with the bulky bouncer frowning at me when he sees who it was that practically shouldered the door open.

"Sorry my foot got caught." I lie lamely yet don't hang around to hear what he has to say or his change of facial expression to see if my lie excused my action, I'm more worried about getting away from the Cops and staying away from them.

Feeling a little guilty for ditching the girls back at the pub, I decide to deal with that when I'm safe and can actually stop to text Nessa my bullshit excuse for legging it, especially right in the middle of what we had going on.

We were having such a good night regardless if we didn't get much time on our own, but I would like to go back out with her and the others, meet this Josh to see if he's as cool as his other cousins.

It just still doesn't wash away the guilt and sadness I have for leaving such a good night, a night where I felt actually normal for the first time in years. A night where I actually felt myself opening up to someone else other than the people from Sunshine Cove, a place I'm still trying to bury and leave behind me with each day I spend away from it.

Tonight brought me back to the times I would share with Maddy and Fran where we'd hit the pub after a few points of MD shared between the three of us, the alcohol having no effect on us thanks to the hard drug in our system keeping us alert and energetic as ever.

Those were the times I miss for we shared a deeper connection once we ended up back at Maddy's or Fran's depending on who was home, that's when the deep conversations started and ones where I could get some of my past out to them though not the parts where I was molested.

All they knew was my foster parents were cunts and Erica was a spoilt b***h who got everything, but I think they knew more than what I was leading on but never said anything, it still makes me wonder what their conclusion was of what I also went through and if that's why they didn't hang around to make sure I was okay.

Were my problems way too much for them to handle even though I gave away f**k all? Or did they get word of what happened to me and the lies Ray and Dian got to them and caused them to leave me behind with all of my "mental issues".

Taking a right down an unknown road after making it off the main one where cars indicate the night is still young judging by the amount that are out filling up the roads, it doesn't take long for the path I'm taking ends up on a street I'm having difficulty trying to make out exactly how you pronounce it, my feet continuing on their stumbled path to wherever I end up until taking a right onto another main road though this one isn't as busy and more at the back of the town.

Wondering how far exactly I've walked and if it'll take me long to get home, I decide to go on anyway and see where else I end up for the temperature really isn't bothering me right now, I'm blown away by how busy it really gets no matter what the time is, for a town pretty much cut off from the rest of the world it does as good as a city would.

Casting my gaze up at the pitch black sky displaying an almost full moon and a dusting of stars as far as the eye can see, I'm happy to confirm that it's a cloudless night still so there'll be no chances of it raining anytime soon.

The further I head up the empty main road it doesn't take long for my ears to pick up the unmistakable sounds of a car coming, my legs not taking any chances to stop and see who it is for I'm yet again legging it.

Not wanting to go too far for my legs are still recovering and as of now I realised just how unfit I am, I dart behind a ratty wooden fence and crouch that low I'm almost belly down on the ground, and wait on bated breath as the car drives passed without stopping or slowing down to see if it was a person they saw running away from them.

Standing up on shaky legs and a heavy sigh of relief sounding in the back of my throat, I continue along the road's footpath and automatically get lost in the large pine trees towering up behind the houses to the left with more buildings I soon realise are small local shops and cafés following the road on the opposite side.

Arriving at a cross in the road I swig my head to all possible directions I could take and discover a street with f**k all houses down it and an opening into the town's unforgiving pine and gum tree forest, ferns and other flora littering the ground like a natural blanket the further I trudge through the darkness around me.

With the moon being my only source of light, it doesn't take long for my eyes to adjust and I'm able to just make out the path I didn't know I was following as well as what's in front and also around me, my jittery nerves and anxious body that's ready to flee at any moment suddenly engulfed in a wave of relief once the trees have me fully surrounded.

Usually someone would be shitting bricks right now by being out in this alone, though with what I've been through it kind of takes away the fear of dying. So this little night adventure I guess isn't something that unnerves me, what does are people and being around a lot of them, especially ones trying to look for me as we speak.

Not wanting to think about it and enjoy the weird calm sensation I'm feeling right now the deeper I walk, I start to rack it up as the alcohol helping with my courage in this weird exploration and helping me get over the fear of being alone and not surrounded by nurses or blinding white walls.

A little while longer listening to the night's music created by small creatures and bugs along with my silent-ish foot falls against the crunchy leaves and pine needles, I start to think that it's best to turn around for it feels like I've been at it for a bit now, only something minor inside me keeps pushing my body further.

"I don't know why I'm walking still, I want to go h-" I stop mid-sentence to squint my eyes and try to make out what it is that's holding me up.

"Oh." I conclude to no one in particular when it's a large opening to what appears to be a clearing the closer I get, though it isn't just a clearing it's a playground.

Remembering the one I slept in back at Sunshine Cove and internally cringing, I decide to check this one out anyway since it could come in handy. Like this place is so out of the way that if I do need to leg it from the Cops, I can come here for they wouldn't know where to start looking.

Using my phone's torch so I can see clearer in front of me, I pause to read that Nessa's sent me a couple of messages only the same thing that nagged me to continue on is also telling me to read it later.

Since the voice lead me here I listen to it and do as it commanded, knowing full well I'm talking to myself and that I'm probably going a little crazy. Maybe my time with actual crazy people has rubbed off on me a bit.

Checking out the equipment the place has to offer, I come to the conclusion that this park hasn't been used for a very long time, my arse hesitant about sitting on one of the swings though end up easing myself onto it anyway.

Happy that it can support my weight yet not confident enough to start swinging I finally pull out my cigarettes and light one up, the nicotine soothing whatever it was I didn't know needing calming before what I swear are headlights coming through the trees a far few distance back, though it seems like the headlights are closing in on that distance fast.

Wondering where the f**k it's coming from and if it's coming straight for me, I start to freak out and think that maybe this place is haunted though I still don't book it in favour of seeing just what exactly the f**k is going on.

Hiding in a tunnel much smaller than the one I spent an uncomfortable night in back at Sunshine, I wait for the sound of the car to get closer so I can see if they're actually stopping here or not and feel my heart in my throat when it pulls up close by.

Confirming that they were coming here and having a new wave of fear run through me for it could be the Cops, I sit frozen in the tunnel unable to move or see where the car is exactly considering the car lights appear pretty close by how much is illuminated around me.

Not moving for a minute or so though it feels like ages, a person finally gets out of the car only I'm not hearing the heavy boots of an Officer heading towards me. It's some foreign guy talking in his mother tongue pacing in front of his car, the guy's silhouette lanky as f**k with a hoodie on thanks to the headlights outlining more of this guy's shadow.

Feeling a little more confident I poke my head out and regret it automatically for I'm blinded by headlights, my eyes taking a second to readjust once they're back in darkness before using the other side of the tunnel to exit.

Not knowing why this guy is here and not too keen to hang around to find out, I start scurrying towards the path I came in on until hearing a loud whistle reverberate through the air, my body instantly locking up as it slowly turns me towards the car and unknown guy.

"What're you doing here, you here for Jackson?" he calls whilst my feet slowly edge their way towards where he currently stands leaned up against the hood of his car with a cigarette hanging from his lips.

"I ah, I was actually going for a walk. Had a bit to drink at the pub and needed to cool off." I explain though leave out the part I was running from the Cops.

"Oh really, I haven't seen you around before and not many people know about this place. It's been abandoned for years and it's where I come here to do a lot of my business." he goes on as I come to a halt near him though not enough to get a look at what he looks like, the headlights are almost blinding me and all I can make out is his blacked out form.

"Look I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have come here." I almost stutter when it dawns on me that this cunt could be burying someone, and I've just caught this cunt red handed.

"No you shouldn't have but hey you didn't know. I'm actually surprised you found this place, where'd you come in from?" he questions in that same weary tone he's been using since the start of this weirdly scary encounter.

"I um, just back through there. There's a path I used but I swear I didn't know about it, I've only been in this town not even three days." I start to choke up and instantly his intimidating stance crumbles and a warm chuckle sounds in the back of his throat.

"Don't worry I'm not going to hurt you, if anything I freaked out because I'm meant to be making a deal tonight. I'm sorry I freaked you out; I just didn't expect you to be here. I'm Luca anyway, what's your name?" he asks after stepping away from the headlights and motioning me to follow so I'm not having to shield my eyes from the harsh light.

A dealer hey, at least he isn't the person to bury people who don't pay their debts. Though a dealer depending on what he sells and how deep he's in it, can all be just as f****d for they also send people to bury the ones that annoy them.

Though here I am again wondering if fate is giving in to my silent pleas of wanting some substance to bring me at ease in one way or another just for tonight, or if an Angel has finally heard my cries and is granting me those miracles I refuse to believe in.

"L-Lilith."

"Well Lilith as I said I'm not going to hurt you."

"That's good and all but I'm relieved more than you know that you're dealing and not burying someone, you honestly scared the f**k out of me." I laugh awkwardly through my trembling words and clear away the remaining tears I'm now feeling embarrassed I shed them in front of him.

"Who says I'm not doing both?" he grins and instantly that sort of warm feeling I thought I was getting off of him is replaced by that fear I first had when laying eyes on the six or so foot guy.

"Uhh-"

"Nono I'm joking! Look I really am sorry Lil, if it makes you feel better the next time I see you here I'll know it's you." he chuckles over me as he refrains from reaching out to console me, my body still taking that miniature flinched step back though suddenly relax when that warm feeling is back.

"That sounds like a plan and thanks again Luca for not burying me." I joke this time which has him laughing whilst shaking his still blacked out face my imagination's desperately trying to fill.

"Don't mention it otherwise I will have to." he replies a little too seriously for my liking only to put me at ease when his cute laugh starts up.

"Man you're too easy." he snickers whilst pushing himself off the side of his car to start heading around the other side.

If only he knew how f****d up I already am, I don't think I could handle being kidnapped on top of that, regardless if he's foreign and my brain wishes he was my age.

"Thanks, well you have a good night th-"

"Aren't you going to join me for at least a point?" he offers across me as I start to walk off towards the way I came, a cold splatter of liquid hitting my nose followed by another one seconds later then realise it's starting to rain.

Of course it is.

"f**k it I mean when will I ever get another chance like this?" I murmur to myself and shuffle my way towards the waiting person I still have no idea what he looks like or how old he could be. Let alone if this Jackson fella's going to show up. That just sounds like a bad rape day waiting to happen.

He sounds older than the guys I've hung out with in the past though not too old where I think he'd be pushing forty, yet I can't really tell also because I haven't asked though I can't say his accent intrigues me and is probably why I'm following this random European into his car.

Look at me, been in this town for not even five days and I'm making friends left, right and centre! Usually I'd be running under a rock and avoiding people like the plague, but something in me keeps encouraging me to stay out in the deep end and keep pushing for a normal life.

Maybe it's because I've dreamt about being free for so long that now I am, I don't want to take advantage of the time I have until the law catches up to me. So in order for me to live life to the fullest, it means I've got to start filling it with more people.

Love is going to have to wait for a very long time, that'll come once I've mastered friendships and socializing with others than just myself and the four walls of my apartment, I just hope Nessa and Luca don't drive me crazy in that apartment considering who knows what else might happen tonight between Luca and I for things already got a bit heated between Nessa and I. So who knows I might be in luck though this luck could have me waking up regretting my promiscuous decision, for I know Nessa's now expecting at least an explanation on why I left and where we stand.

I would be paranoid too about my actions like after we get close I ditch, but I also hope she isn't the type that gets upset if I do end up sleeping with someone else other than her. Either way I'm stuck between a rock and a f*****g hard place with whatever decision I end up choosing, but I'm also not owing anyone anything regardless if they did invite me out solely for that reason.

"Awesome, this is a way of me apologising as well and had a feeling you would since you actually calmed down once I told you what I was. Most people who don't do drugs usually cut me off pretty quick and show me they're not interested in holding a conversation. Trust me it happens that much you can pick it. I mean you were hesitant at first but I think that's because you had the fear of me possibly being dangerous or a Cop once I offered you the drugs, holding you back." he observes then begins to fiddle around in the darkness of his car for something before a light turns on and feeling my sentence die in the back of my throat.

Well I can't argue with that, he's f*****g right.

Even in the dimly lit space of his car the brightness of his cornflour blue eyes are insane and almost think they're contacts, the dark ink of his tattoos I can see on the backs on his hands appearing to lighten his complexion to a pale one with a semi-beard powdering his jawline, mouth and chin.

His burnt sienna locks are cropped shorter to his head around the sides and back than they are on the top of his head where it's brushed and styled a bit to the left side at the front, leaving the rest of his hair to follow suit naturally.

Clad in dark jeans and a thick black coat showing only the backs of his tattooed hands, I wonder how many more he has and if they go further up his arms, my eyes subtly taking more of him in as he stops his f*****g around with baggies to text someone on his phone.

Not sure who I should thank for connecting me with this person or how I knew to follow my instincts on this one, but why I'm all of a sudden finding this dude tickling my fancy in a different way than to the ones I slept with prior to Viper and everything with the hospital?

It's not because he's a drug dealer or because of his fancy accent that draws me to him, well maybe his accent is a smidgen reason why he's a little different from the others, but definitely not because he's a dealer since the two or so guys I slept with happened to be dealers. Well one of them was the other two or so were wannabe dealers and heavy users.

So you can see how my life spiralled down to s**t so fast, aye? Sleeping with dealers while pigging out on their product only lead me into psychiatric hospital, not to mention with the courtesy of Ray and Dian's bullshit lie to give me that final nudge.

What actually draws me to Luca however is the insane energy he's throwing off right now, a word I haven't used in my head to describe someone ever until meeting this guy. He makes my body crave more of it the longer I sit in his presence, soaking it in like a sponge and somehow wiping away a year or so worth of pain I've endured since being in the system.

Still a little weary though on this guy and his intentions since I'm drunk as f**k and everyone seems nice until it's too late, he stays true to his word when he busts out a large baggie filled with caps of MDMA. I know this because I've done it enough in my life to identify what it is.

"Now I usually have it in rock form but just sold out of that. These were for Jackson but he's late as f**k and not answering my calls. So he's no longer able to buy from me again unless he's either dead or has a really good excuse for staging me up like this." he explains after tipping a few in my hand and dropping three of his own.

"Well I'd hate to be Jackson, but I'll be honest are you sure you don't want money for th-"

"Nope, this is me saying sorry for being a d**k earlier." he intervenes with a semi-pale and heavily tattooed hand motioned in my direction as if to say he doesn't wanna hear it.

"Alriiight but if I know dealers like I do, they usually don't do things for free." I blurt before I can even stop myself and instantly a grin forms across his face.

"I'm not like that if that's what you were wonder-"

"Oh f**k no, I was just saying they usually want lifts to places or borrow money. Call in a favour if you will." I cut across him quickly to point out to him I wasn't getting at s****l favours though feel a slight blush when a part of my mind was ready to cough up the idea.

"Ah I see, well no I'm pretty good at the moment. I really am just saying sorry for being a dick." he chuckles when he can sense how awkward I am.

Instantly the awkwardness settles for him but raises more for me when he takes his coat off to display tattoos covering him from the neck down, confirming they do travel further up yet only to stop myself when it dawns on me that I'm dead arse checking this cunt out.

Playing it off as if his inked up body isn't effecting me even though I'm wishing he wore more than a flimsy wife beater displaying a band name I haven't heard of before, I also feel my heart skip a beat to see that this guy is a possible metalhead too.

Why didn't I come to this town years ago?

"Well thank you again for the caps, I really apprecia-"

"You aren't having at least one with me?"

"I don't have a drink."

"Here."

Slowly taking his half-empty can of coke, he assures me there isn't anything wrong with it for he wouldn't have drank it himself, I drop one cap in my mouth knowing there's no way I could handle double dropping let alone triple dropping like Luca just did.

Hoping he doesn't O.D to try and impress me since I have almost a couple of times thinking I could handle more, I once again try and make it out that this is my first time in years and that I'm only taking it easy because I have work tomorrow.

Oh God that brings me back to the conversation with the girls and how I'd apparently take one of their shifts, something I would legit happily do if I was given the chance though I somehow doubt that for I ditched them tonight and still haven't bothered to get back to her about it.

Not wanting to think about it Luca's phone starts ringing and instantly he's out of the car demanding where I assume Jackson is only I can't make much out for it's not in English, something I wanna find out about him when he gets back for I don't think I've heard it before.