Love's Answer

Sophie This wouldn't be the first time Janice would make me late to an event I started preparing 2 hours earlier for. It's an interview at Mind that we worked our asses off to get- we honestly got in mostly because Mr. Trevor recommended us to the head of Intern Admissions- It's not my ideal position considering the experience I have garnered over the last few years, but it's better than sitting home and moping at a failed freelance writing career while bills pile up alongside a sick mother and two delinquent sisters. Yes, my life is shitty at the moment, and honestly, I'm tired of hoping it gets better, it's exhausting to deal with failures and setbacks on expectations. I'll rather receive the terrible experiences with a smug look, a painful smile, and arms wide open. Yes, I am f****d Which is exactly how I look right now with Janice doing her hair when we have less than 30 minutes to get to Mind headquarters. I know she's terrible at keeping to time, but she promised and I hoped she'll make an exception, but, she was still cooped up in her boyfriend's arms an hour ago when I walked in and 30 minutes later, she is still meticulously rolling her deep hair in small retro curls. I'm fighting the urge to grab her by her hair and run her face into her expensive vanity mirror. Why am I so worked up anyway? She has very wealthy parents and probably doesn't care if she loses this or not. Hell, she's probably only doing this because I asked her to, while I'm the one who has everything to lose- this is my dream workplace, pays enough to help me get my financial footing and keep my mom alive long enough to snatch some insanely rich bachelor- and here I am sleeping on it because my best friend is allergic to looking half fashionable in public spaces. "You look like you could smash my face against this mirror," she says looking at me from the mirror. You don't know how much I want to do that "Well, I wouldn't mind ditching you my best friend, and catching a twenty-minute frantic ride with a dashing bad boy who owns a bike down there," I say with disdain in my tone, but, she apparently doesn't care because she rolls her eyes at me and keeps pinning her hair. "You need to get out of that little bad-boy romance fantasy you've got going on in your head, it's never really going to get you far," she says and plasters a huge yet fake smile on her face then batts her lashes. "It got me here, an interview at Mind, remember?" I retort now pissed. "Correction, Mr. Trevor got you that position, remember?" she smiles. I am so infuriated right now I could smack that smile off her face with a hand. The one thing I hate about Janice is how much she undermines me despite us being best friends. She loves me and I'll take a bullet for her any day but she keeps being toxic and makes me feel inferior at every opportunity. Weirdly, I can see it all before me, yet I don't call it quits, maybe it's because she gives me so much support emotionally and I love her too much. Even though we got direct recommendations from our college professor, I worked my ass off to build a convincing portfolio with my volunteer position and the few gigs I could snatch. Mind is every writer's dream place and the competition to get in is high every time there's an opening- which is very rarely- but, I'll appreciate her acknowledging my efforts at securing this slot as much as she did. But I don't tell her. I push all of my anger away and step outside to call my mother and remind her to take her medications. She's had cervical cancer for a year and it's a miracle she's still alive. Her case was pretty special when we found out there was a tumor growing systemically since she was 27 yet the signs only showed when she turned 40 so the government took it up and provided her free healthcare while experimenting on her, but, when there were no changes, they stopped and I've been trying to do everything else since then- I hate it cause it makes her look way older than she really is. By the time I come back in, she's finished dressing up and in contrast to my plaid red office blouse, grey colored office trousers, and grey flats, she looks stunning in her pink Chanel halter neck top, black silky office pants that show her curves and stiletto heels. It's always like this, we are always so different- she's slim with curves, a body she maintains by hitting the gym 8 times weekly while I'm the one with more curves and more to my body- but I can't complain, I have a body that stays the way it is regardless of how much I eat. As if sensing my annoyance from earlier she pulls me in for a hug and apologizes for going off, I forgive her, I always do. ... As expected, we arrive at the office 20 minutes later than supposed, and the secretary gives us a hard stare. There are 7 others there with us vying for just 2 positions. They all look so sophisticated and for a second, I feel my confidence from earlier go down the drain and my body shudders in fear I immediately shake it off and relax. We're all assigned to different numbers, positions, and seats. Janice sat 4 seats away from me the second, I keep sending reassuring smiles her way because to the best of my knowledge, I know this is a very trying time for her. Beneath all of her fierceness, she would melt away under the slightest pressure. I lean back in my seat and blow out deep breaths periodically. It's 2 hours now but it feels like forever. I'm exhilarated and drained at the same time. It reminds me of the time I had my first kiss, I felt the same way - as though there was electricity coursing through my skin yet like all the energy in me was seeping away. If anything, I loved it- but it was short-lived because my first boyfriend was a prima donna bastard. As if on cue, my phone rings, I glance at the caller ID and it's him- my short-lived first kiss- the man I dread the most. I would have never believed I could hate anyone as much as I hate him- but since his coming into my life, I seem to be hating people a lot more than usual these days- I set my phone on DND and return my attention to the secretary who is now gawking at me, I flash a weird smile at her and she returns to doing something on her computer with a stoic look on her face. I lean back again and allow myself to fantasize about what it would be like to work here. A 14-storey with glass windows that provides meals thrice daily for their staff- now that would be the ultimate comfort- maybe if I get pretty enough, I could snatch the CEO or whoever runs this company and become a rich, supportive wife... I am jolted back to reality by the sound of the secretary's voice. She's calling Janice now. By the time her eyes meet mine, she looks like she could pass out from all the anxiety flowing through her. I flash her another reassuring smile which she returns before leaving. It will take at least 3 more hours before I get called in so I sit back and continue daydreaming. I see my phone light up a few times but I ignore it. The last thing I need today is to hear pleas from a 7-year hung-up boyfriend. It keeps ringing 30 minutes later and so I reluctantly pull it out of my see-through bag, it's my mother. I text her telling her I'm still at the interview and will call her later, but she calls again, I can tell now that it's urgent, so, I reluctantly pick up my phone and walk to the hallway. "I told you I'll call you later, I'm in the middle of this interview..." "Sophie..." I hear her call through sobs "this is not a very great moment, and I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have called you, but, it's all just happening so fast..." she's rambling at about 5 words per second and that's how I know something terrible is happening. She may get a panic attack at this rate, and I can't afford that now. I feel goosebumps appear on my arms despite the coat I have on. "Mom, mom, please relax" she's still rambling "mom please!" I'm yelling before I realize what I'm doing. It works, she relaxes and I hear her pause to suck in a deep and shaky breath before resuming, I can hear her body racking in sobs and every other thing seems so insignificant at the moment. "Please, don't ramble mom, just tell me what happened." This is followed by another pause and a deep breath. "Your sister, she... I... earlier today, we..." I hear the restraint in her voice, and that's when I realize how big the situation is. "What happened to her?" I ask fearing that I may not want to know the answer. "She had another seizure today and almost..." she resumes her racking sobs and I shut my eyes tightly anticipating the worst, "she almost died, she's not fully resuscitated, but, she's not awake right now. The doctors say they don't know how long she'll be that way." "What way mom? Is she in a coma?" She doesn't answer, but her silence is enough to ascertain my question. "And where's Lucy?" I know it only gets worse from here, but, the masochistic part of me keeps pushing me to take all the evil in at once. When she doesn't answer, I repeat my question. "She locked herself up in her room and hasn't come out all day, she saw Theresa slit her arm and she's still traumatized..." "Mom!" I find myself screaming in the hallway again. Theresa may be bipolar, but Lucy is suicidal and depressed. Her vitamin levels are at their lowest right now and the last thing she needs is a trigger. "Mom, how did this happen? Why did it even happen? You know she'll try to kill herself too..." "She won't listen to me, I tried all morning..." "Well, do something else, break down the f*****g door or something, should we just let them die?" I blow out a deep breath instantly hating myself for taking it out on her. I just don't understand why they couldn't pick another day to be f*****g suicidal. I will f*****g kill Theresa with my hands if I realize she's suicidal over a man- as she was the last time- she needs to have better planning. Fuck me! f**k me! "f**k me!" I'm yelling over the phone and in a building, I hope to be employed. I stagger a bit due to the throbbing headache I'm suddenly experiencing. I suddenly feel dizzy like there's a panic attack coming soon, and so I move backward to lean on the wall and suddenly collide with someone. I'm too pissed and unwell to care about who it is, I'm too pissed to fantasize about anyone or anything right now, but, I can still make out the fact that he's male. I have more deadly than friendly thoughts toward men right now considering Theresa may be laying in a coma right now because of a man. I push past him and run. I can't care about anything else right now, I just need to save my sisters. No matter how shitty life is right now, I can't let them leave before they even live, that's not how life is supposed to work. I grab my bag from the reception and run out. I hear my name in muffled screams, I'm not sure if it's Janice, my mother over the phone, or the ghost of my suicidal-soon-to-be-dead sister. I need to get to her before death does. And that's all I care about.