Entrapped

Chapter 37.

Xavier felt a strangely familiar feeling in the pit of his stomach that was slowly crawling its way up to his spine, jealousy. He was jealous but he was not as mad as he used to be.

The things she had said and about being on a guilt trip made sense to him to some extent. She was a sensitive girl who had never witnessed anything cruel happening before her eyes and suddenly witnessing a death of the man, the man who was her husband would have surely traumatized her.

He could understand her, or at least was trying to think rationally and to understand her by keeping the feeling of jealousy aside. Xavier had always been strong, both mentally and emotionally but even he was a little shaken when his father killed a man in front of him for the first time.

Killing is not an art everybody could learn but Xavier had definitely aced it, he owned that art and had witnessed several deaths but Tiara had a weak heart that was kind and it was normal that a kind hearted person would be guilty for something he did not even do and Tiara was just like that.

Her swollen eyes and tear stained face came closer to him as she decreased the distance between them, her crying could still be heard loud and clear and her cries seemed to burn his ears as he hated to see her cry and felt an aching pain in his heart.

“Why did you do it, Xavier?” she asked yet again, crying hysterically yet managed to deliver her words without shuttering, “why were you so cruel to him?” she remembered clearly how badly his friends had beaten him up that day that he already seemed to die out of pain.

“How could you do that to someone who has done nothing to you?” she cried as she hit his chest weakly to make him answer her, she did not want him to stay silent and enjoy her sufferings.

“How can you be so cruel to such a good man?”

However rational Xavier was trying hard to be, he just could not stand it when his woman was praising another man, he hated it that she was crying over him, that she was missing him.

“He snatched the woman I love away from me and you think he did nothing wrong?” he snapped in a hard tone with gritted teeth as he tried to restrain himself from raising his voice at her.

Tiara blinked her eyes at him as the heavy droplets of water let loose and came down kissing her cheeks softly, “He did not even know you,” she whispered softly.

“He did not even know you!” she shrieked loudly this time as it appeared to her that he needed to hear that clearly. Xavier needed to know that.

Her eyes blazed with the fire of anger that Xavier had witnessed quite a few times earlier, “he did not snatch anything from anyone, he just gave me a beautiful reason to live instead. He gave me his love and acceptance.”

“He was a loving man who treated everyone with kindness and yet you showed no mercy to him, you made your friends beat him like an animal.” She snapped with a broken tone that showed how sad she really was.

Xavier stayed silent as he let her speak, he wanted to listen to what she had to say to him. He wanted to know what she had kept in her heart for all these months, “you should not have let anyone beat him like that and if you did then you would not have killed him like that as the beating was enough for the crime he never committed!”

She looked at him with tear filled eyes as she poured out her feelings to him without any filtration, “it was me Xavier who deceived him, who pulled him down with me. I did it knowing the consequences but I was so selfish that I put his life in danger. I endangered the life of a man I loved.” She confessed, “it was all me! All of it was my fault, he knew nothing about me!”

She grabbed the collar of his shirt tightly in a fist as her eyes glared at him with nothing but anger, “why are you like this?” she asked him when she saw no traces of guilt in his eyes that she desperately looked for.

Tiara for a second wanted to stop all of this, she wanted to let go of her revenge but her eyes found no traces of guilt in him that could convince her to do that. She had turned tired, had exhausted herself emotionally that she had no courage left in her to continue with her plan but he just sat there in all his glory with that arrogant look on his face.

It irritated her, it irritated her to know that she could not forgive him not even when she was looking for a reason to forgive him but he gave her none. He did not regret anything, he just did not and it just made her feel all the hatred she had stored up in her heart for him to take control again.

“Why are you so cruel?” she could not help but ask that question to him, she knew that he was a son of a mafia lord and was meant to be cruel but what about his soul? Was it as cold as he was?

“I was born like this,” came his arrogant reply as he stared deep into her eyes, “there is no reason to justify my cruelty because I was born with it,” Xavier said without any emotion in his voice as he intended to put a stop on this useless conversation.

He did not want to talk about it, he did not want to talk to her and he most specifically did not want to talk about that man to Tiara. Mason’s name alone held the power to bring up the feeling of jealousy and all of his insecurities that had associated with his name.

It took her few minutes to react properly as she played what he just said in her mind continuously. She could not believe how arrogantly he had tried to dispose her off, and how ignorant he was by neglecting a conversation that could help them both.

She was clearly appalled by his reaction, on one side he claimed to love her and on the other side he never regretted doing anything that hurt her. Was it his love? To hurt the very woman you have gone crazy to have. She could not tend to understand him. Although she knew that he loved her, she had witnessed that emotion in his eyes yet could not shake off the fact that his love for her was toxic. It was a toxic love he felt for her with such intensity that he could kill anyone if they tried to come between him and her.

Her lower lip quivered as she stared at his arrogant face that was shining brightly under the moonlight, Xavier definitely looked like a main character of some novel to her with his charming looks and favoured by nature though his aura was menacingly chilly. He was an antagonist not only in her story but many others. He was a villain to all of those people whose loved one was killed by him and Tiara found herself on top of that list.

“Yes. you are right, you are a cruel person.” She admitted in a hushed tone as if convincing herself to believe it, “but you are not fair, isn’t the leader supposed to be fair?” she asked away as he blinked his eyes and showed a slight sign of confusion on his face.

“I was the one who wronged you and you did nothing to me, why?” her curiosity was at its peak. Although a part of her was already aware of the reason, she still wanted to know if it was all about it or was there more.

“Isn’t it obvious,” Xavier chuckled humourlessly as he gave her a forced smile, “if not then let me enlighten you,” he moved closer to her, his hand reaching to approach her face.

Xavier grazed his knuckles against her tear stained cheek and felt her moistened skin against his, “it’s because I love you.”

“Is that all?” she found herself yearning for more, she wanted him to say something else. She wanted him to open his heart for her.

Xavier stayed silent for a brief moment as he read the desperation swirling in her eyes. He did not know what it was for but he knew it was there.

“Do you want me to say more?” he wanted her to ask what it was that she wanted him to say with so much desperation but could not bring himself to ask that.

She nodded her head eagerly, leaning closer to him she looked expectantly at him.

“I did it for you. I killed him for you.” His words did not make any difference to her because she knew that.

“Don’t you regret it?” It was a crucial question that held the power to affect their future. It was the question that could turn her steps back from the path of revenge she had chosen if answered in the right way.

Tiara was tired, tired of herself and tired of pretending. She was completely drained of emotions and energy and found herself lacking the courage she needed to put up with the malicious plan she had intended to follow. The goodness in her still existed somewhere in her, under all those layers of hatred that had covered her heart but unbeknownst to her there was a small corner where kindness still resided.

That kind part of her ached every time she spent a meaningless moment with him, it ached every time when she faked a smile at him and looked after his needs pretending to care for him only to betray him in the end.

She hated what she had turned into over the past few months and despised what she had become, a woman who used her body to accomplish her atrocious goals. She had become despicable and she knew it from the beginning but had managed to avoid acknowledging it until now but she lost all control today and her emotions chose to swallow her whole.

She just wanted a remorseful confession from him, wanted him to say that what he had done was wrong. She just wanted him to acknowledge his sins so that she could find herself to forgive him and put an end to this. She wanted to move on but not in life, she wanted to move on from this life and move to another. She wanted to put her heart at ease and rest in peace, she wanted to sleep comfortably under a cherry blossom tree, buried deep within the soil.

“No, I don’t.” a blunt denial from him pulled her out from her trance of thoughts and shattered her dream to have a peaceful future, he would not let her escape from the hell she was living in.

“Why? Does killing an innocent man mean nothing to you?” she asked, tone turning cold with every word as the hatred she had tried to keep at bay all this time started to overwhelm her.

“I did it for you, to free you from pain.” He answered with a serious tone, “I would do it again if it’s for protecting you from any pain.” Xavier looked like a devil to her when he uttered those monstrous words to her.

To protect her from pain? He did it to protect her from pain? She had never heard anything stupider than this. How come killing the man she loved in front of her eyes could protect her from pain? And if anything then that atrocious act could only give her pain and nightmares which it had done.

Perhaps he said that to mock her but she did not find any sign of mockery or even sarcasm in his voice, he sounded grave serious and she found herself failing to understand the meaning behind his words. Xavier was indeed a complicated man to understand that even after spending this much time with him she had literally no clue about the context his words held.

She did not ask him what he meant but her eyes managed to convey the message to him and he decided to elaborate as he felt obliged to remove that caressing line of confusion from her forehead, it did not look good on her beautiful face.

He removed his hand from her face and brought it down to her tiny waist and noticed that she was wearing a thin white dress and the weather had turned quite chilly. He held her waist tightly and scooped her over to his lap in a way that she was straddling him and wrapped his arms around her securely to pass some body heat to her and to keep her warm.

Tiara was not at all fazed when he suddenly placed her on his lap, he often did that and she had become accustomed to this habit of his. Though she wouldn't agree to him, she was actually feeling cold out here and the thin material of her dress did not help much and when he engulfed her in his warm embrace she visibly moved closer to his body to seek heat his body seemed to radiate.

“I could have just dragged you back after beating him,” he started as he nuzzled her neck with nose, “but it would have caused you immense amounts of pain and it would have definitely affected me as well, seeing you in pain would have hurt me.” Tiara was not sure if he was really uttering nonsense or was it the liquor in his system that had taken the lead for talking but whatever it was, it was complete nonsense.

It would not have hurt her, on the contrary she would have been glad that at least he was alive, somewhere living his life without her. Her thoughts started to wander around this possibility as several questions started to pop in her mind.

Would he be living happily without her in his life? She had not if she was in his position.

 Would he have missed her? Had thought about her? She would have missed him a lot if it was her in his shoes and she would have definitely thought of him often.

If Mason would have been alive, would he be able to move on and forget all about her? Would he have started dating again? Possibly married again? He could even have a child and would have grown old with his new family. Would he have enjoyed living a life that had no trace of her?

A feeling of dread gripped her spine making her shiver involuntarily as those thoughts invaded her mind, she did not want him to move on from her. She did not want Mason to stop loving her and she definitely did not wish for him to have a life that did not contain her in it. She wanted him alive and to live happily but with her.

It was when it occurred to her that she was being selfish. The realization dawned upon her that she had always been selfish with him since the beginning. She had always received from him, be it from love, trust and security and in return she had given him nothing. She had for sure loved him but it was because of how empowered he used to make her feel but she did not trust him enough to let him know about her background and she put his life on the line while she felt secure in his arms.

She realized that she was a selfish woman who had taken advantage of a man who had loved her selflessly. Her love for Mason might be true but even she could not deny that it was selfish. Her love for Mason was selfish.