Money Can't Buy Everything

Chapter 3 It's Hard

---Derek's POV---

I walk through the busy hallways of the hospital just letting out a deep breath to try to clear my mind and it fails miserably.. I had to do an emergency surgery on a man in a car wreck that had penetrated multiple of his organs, I did this just in hopes of trying to save his life.. Instead of going into details, we will just say this complicated situation didn't work out as any of us had hoped.

The surgery was successful, but not in time apparently, because he passed away right at the end when I was just about done.. and we tried to revive him but it just wasn't happening.. I hate it when this happens.. This is the hardest part of being a doctor of any sort, because you always feel responsible whether you know them or not.. So I have a hard time forgiving myself for situations such as this.. even though I shouldn't be blaming myself in the first place.. but I was the one doing the actual surgery, so it hits me harder.

"Hey it's OK man.. you did your best and that's all that matters.. with the amount of blood lost and all the organs hurt, it would have been hard for him to survive this in the first place.. that stuff takes time and he obviously didn't have that.. Don't discredit your ability.. Derek, you're one of the best at your job that I have ever seen in my life and that won't change after today. Give yourself a break man." My best friend and colleague Josh says to me as he pats my back, trying to reassure my abilities. He knows how hard I take these situations, but no matter how nice his words were, it will still be hard not to blame myself.

It's times like this that I wished I wasn't alone.. I want to be able to go home to the comfort of another.. someone I can vent to, just to get this off my chest and then relax with them to take my mind off of things.

I don't have that, so I'll just go home to sulk in dismay and think about it all night like usual.. letting this situation ruin my month at least. It's really hard for me to even forget the faces of the ones I have lost under my hand.. I always go to their funerals and pay my respects, but I will never forget their faces.. which ends up causing nightmares sometimes. But I assume that's the life of being a doctor.. because I'm sure I'm not alone in this.

"Here I have one of these.. I know these snacks always make you smile." Says Heather, who is behind me holding a tubberware filled with delectable looking brownies.

"Heather you saint, you really don't know how much I appreciate your amazing snacks you make.. they do always seems to make me smile, no matter how hard the day seems to be.. But you're here as much as I am.. how do you even have the time to make them?" I stated to her as she waved off my comment.

"I don't bake at all, not even on my best day. I didn't make them. This sweet girl comes in to see her brother and she always brings snacks because she knows her brother is a sensitive and difficult situation for us and she really appreciates our help.. But she is the sweetest, most genuine girl I have ever met and an amazing cook obviously.. she will sometimes bring her brother and I dinner, when she does his homework with him after her performances and before she has to head to work.. But I made sure to tell her that her snacks are greatly loved and appreciated by us.. So take two, I know you have had a long day." She stated, holding the container up as I grabbed a second one out, nodding at her.

"I'll have to get her a card of appreciation or something.. these snacks are what get me through the shift." I reply with a brownie filled mouth as she smiles and retorts, "That's the same for me too.. enjoy."

"Thanks Heather, I will try." I said to her as she smiled and patted my back before saying, "It will be OK Derek, don't beat yourself up OK? Just go outside and get a breath of fresh air.. or a puff of nicotine.. whatever you need." I just nodded, then sending her a small smile.. but I didn't say anything outright to her as I continued down the hallway by myself.

I slipped the cigarette pack out of my pocket as I continued out of the hospital and out front, then to the side of the building to the smoking area.

There are a couple of my coworkers surrounding the tall ashtray, but as I get closer, I see them notice me as their smiles turn to pity-filled stares, directed at me as they put out their cigarettes quickly and head back inside not saying a word to me.

Once they leave, I groan out as I hit the wall, hating today already. I sit down in a huff as I pull the cigarette out of my pack, but I'm so shaky because of my overwhelming emotions that I can't even light it. So I just let my head hang as I hold it between my fingers.. then letting out another deep breath.

"Are you OK?" I hear in a soft voice from across the way that startles me. I glanced up to see a drop-dead gorgeous girl smoking a cigarette out here too. Her eyes are big and dark brown but looking like big doe eyes, that are filled with so much concern for me.. Her long dark hair drapes over her shoulders as she stares over at me. I have never seen her and, because of the fact that she is not wearing scrubs, I would assume that she doesn't work here.

I just shake my head as she stands up, then walking to me and holding my cigarette still as she presses the top of hers to mine, just to light it for me.. since she can obviously tell that I'm shaky at the moment.

"Thanks." I say softly as I take a drag of my cigarette, not saying anything else.

I feel a light touch on my shoulder as I hear from her. "Just know no matter what happens, you don't have no control over everything around you.. If it's meant to happen, it WILL happen whether you like it or not.. But what you CAN control, is how you react to it.. you can either let it bring you down from this day to your last.. or you can take this as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. You seem like you might have a brain in that handsome head of yours.. So be smart and learn from this lesson.. it's OK to grieve anything bad that happens.. that's normal.. just don't let the situation take over your life.. it's YOUR life and you know what to do with it.. So do it.. Oh and make sure to go inside and get a brownie from Heather.. or two.. you look like you need it." She says to me as I quickly groan out. "I already had two brownies from her and they were amazing."

A melodic sound exits her lips in the form of a giggle before she states. "Well, maybe two more.. I hope your day gets better."

I nod, still letting my head hang for a moment before groaning out a "thanks.. you too....... wait.. how did you know about the brownies?.. Do you work here?"I asked but heard no response, so I looked up to see that she is gone.

"Who are you talking to?" Josh asks as I take another look around and she is nowhere to be seen. I stepped out from the side of the building to see her zipping through the parking lot on a motorcycle.

"Her.. I was talking with her.. I don't know who she was.. she was just.. nice to me." I said softly to him with an awed tone, causing him to scoff and retort. "All the girls are nice to you because they like you."

"Not like that.. this was different.. I wish I knew who she was to thank her, because she was right." I said to him as he scoffed louder at me. "Right about what? You talked to her for like two seconds and you sounded like the love bug bit you or some shit.. finish that cigarette so we can get this shift over with, then we are going out and having drinks after."Josh stated to me as I shook my head.

"My shift is over.. so I'm finishing this cigarette then heading home to enjoy my night.. because I said so, it's my life." I said to him with confidence in my voice from that woman and what she said... This causes him to groan out. "Fine.. but you have to have dinner or a couple of drinks with me tomorrow after our shifts, because you know you want to and you never go out." He states to me as I just nod giving in, because I do need to go out for a breathe of fresh air every now and then.

" OK, see you tomorrow." I said before taking another deep breath in that's filled with smoke and nicotine, which ends up being the high I need right now.. and later, when I get home I'll just smoke some weed to make me feel relaxed to help as much as possible.

I take the cigarette and putting the cherry out of the ash tray before I blow the smoke out, and make sure it's away from both of us.

I pat his back while I pass him as he does the same, reciprocating my kind gesture.. showing me how much he really does care.. he just has a hard time showing it.. so he deals with most of his problems with drinking or strip clubs, which is not how I deal with things.. but he will always be one of my best friends.. he has been there for me through some thick shit.. and I don't know where I would be without him.

So now on to my house to try to have a better day.. hopefully.