Remembering Lily

Midnight Chill

I was still shaking. Adam insisted that we go away from here because it was cold staying near the river but I figured it was because he didn't want to see any portion of the water after seeing the same face drowning in the waters on two different occasions.

I would feel sorry. In fact, I am but I can't apologize with all my heart if I don't know why I also ended up in the waters. What if Adam wasn't there? What if it was too late? Would I just die just like that? And oh, that would be for the second time. Then, my life would be a pointless book with all twists and turns but a terrible plot.

I wasn't even able to achieve anything. I am nowhere near an answer nor an explanation. Can't I have those in this lifetime?

I was scared of talking. I am ready to talk but not enough to tell Adam everything. It would not be a great idea to just casually say that before waking up from what I thought was just a dream, I was an observer of a memory that was not mine.

I wrapped the blanket around me and held onto it tighter. It was not as chilly as I remembered. The thoughts that occupied me must be enough to not feel cold.

"Can we stay somewhere else?"

I didn't make a word but nodded as an answer. Adam is unusually serious and it is hard to distinguish but I am seeing anger in his eyes with his eyebrows furrowed as he talked and when I saw his hand on the steering wheel, it was gripping the thing tightly.

He is probably cursing me and asking me why I would do anything like that. He's probably asking the deities why the same thing is happening to him.

I insisted that we go to my place but he was suspicious. He didn't say but how fast he responded with no made me think so. I didn't want to argue and just considered the trauma he must be feeling so I just went with the flow. I don't think Adam would harm me when he literally just saved my life there.

We stopped in front of a house. It wasn't even an apartment building. It was a house.

"Is this your place?" I tried to ask even when he is obviously not in the mood to answer.

"Yes." He answered shortly. This time, more cautious but less angry.

I remembered his face while he was with Adie. It was their memory but now, it was mine as well. I can tell that he really cared for her. Words are not even needed. I was observing Adie but I was looking at Adam that time too. There was so much that he wanted to say but he was holding back for whatever reason he had.

He grabbed his keys and I saw his hand being shaky. It was the opposite of his composed act that he was showing me. He was scared.

"Adam…" I called his name but nothing followed. I don't know how to comfort him but I want to ease the pain after seeing him cry. He was sad and he was nervous but we both knew the tears shed were not for me. It was for someone else. Even the heartache and the pain that he was feeling.

I would like to be decent enough not to confuse the grief that was someone else's.

"You need to change first. There's a shower in the guest room. I'll bring you some extra clothes." He just told me straight, in a cold manner, and then turned his back on me but stopped midway before reaching the door through his room. He looked back at me with his head slightly bowing, as if he was being apologetic of the way he acted just a while ago. "I'm sorry, Lily. I don't have the right to be like this to you or even make your stay here but I would like to request… I just want to make sure-"

"I understand." I cut him off because he sounds like he is struggling to tell me what he wanted to say but I get where he is coming from. Telling me these things now just proves to show his worry and sincerity. "I'm staying."

"Okay... Thank you." He tells me, though I should be the one thanking him. "You should take a rest after. Stay in the guest room for now and have a rest. We can talk later."

It was a plain, blank room. There was nothing there except for the bed, the cabinets, and the things that would be needed for a quick stay. It really is a guest room from a hotel and not from someone's place.

It looked like a new house. There were no stains on what still looked like newly-painted white walls. Most things were still new. It is a modern house of average size if there were four people or a family was staying here, I guess. For one person, it has a huge space.

After knowing a bit more about Adam, I guess I'm not surprised anymore by this lifestyle. This is almost nothing compared to what I saw in that memory... if ever it was really real.

"Lily? Lily?" There was a sound of knocking on the door.

I opened my still sleepy eyes. My body is heavy with tiredness but it was relaxing. I never had a sleep as comforting as the one I had today.

Could it be because of the pillow or the mattress? The weather? Or the place where I'm staying?

"Lily?"

"Oh," I muttered to myself, realizing that Adam has been calling me since a while ago. I have this constant feeling of being in a dream that I have a hard time separating the two.

I opened the door but squinted immediately because of the light. "I'm sorry. I just woke up."

He sighed in relief then smiled at me. "I'm sorry for waking you up but you haven't had a proper meal since we saw each other in the morning."

"What time is it already?"

"It's already 7:30."

"I assume that would be p.m?" I asked, trying to throw some light jokes after everything that happened today.

"Yeah."

I nodded but then remembered I actually had to go to school. "s**t, how about work?"

The day is over so, there goes my one-day absence. We both do. Did Adam also absent today? "s**t, how about work?"

I am acting like an irresponsible adult right now. I don't even know if the word adult suited me. I used to be one but I don't even know the purpose of my life right now. It's hard to follow the rules but it's also impossible to ignore it. I can't just act as I want. I massaged my temples. Now, this is reality.

"I called the school and told them you still need more time to rest. They didn't ask so much questions and I think some were worried. I told them I'll stay with you for today so... we might get some questions and suspicions after but it's no big deal. I'll clear things up, don't worry."

"Thank you, Adam. Thank you, really."

It has been a long time since I have had a proper meal at my place. I always had to dine outside or order. If I cook, it can barely pass as a proper meal. Now, I am reminded again of what home-cooked meals look like and why they can be comforting.

"You cooked?" I asked in surprise.

"Yes. I enjoy cooking for other people. If it's just me, I get too lazy."

I laughed with that. Yeah, I figured having three dishes would be too much of a hassle if only for one. The feast he prepared was even too much for two but it looked appetizing, I think I could finish the whole thing.

"Thank you for the meal," I said before digging in.

"Do you have anything you want to ask me?" I asked him first. I have a lot on my mind but I am used to that. Adam, on the other hand, must have been surprised by it. I want to know what he is thinking so I could form my story around that.

"Do you have anything to tell me?" He asked back.

"I'll try to answer whatever question you have."

"Lily," he started. "Were you planning to kill yourself?"

I shook my head. I figured I can tell whatever lies there are, I can modify my own version of the story and the details of it but I can't say yes to that. It is a truth that I want Adam to know.

"Then why were you there?"

"I just slipped," I answered but not looking him in the eye. The food was delicious but the guilt was making it hard for me to swallow. "Thank you for saving me." This time, I can look straight into his eyes and mean the words I said. 

"I'm sorry if it reminded you of your past but I wasn't really jumping there. I was just… I guess I missed my friend who died there."

"At midnight?" The suspicion was obvious. He wasn't believing me and if I were him, I would find myself hard to believe too but this version is way more realistic than the story I have with missing details.

"You were there too."

"I couldn't sleep," he says. "I was up all night and whenever I would close my eyes, all I saw was… all I could see was Adie by the bridge."

"Adam," I called his name. 

There were questions in my head with answers hard to find. Where do I even start?

"Can you confirm this memory? Addison... Was there a time that- uhm... Addison was wearing a pink dress, there was a bridge, it was her birthday and she told you her parents are divorcing." He was surprised with every words I added. "Can you tell me if this makes sense?" I'll start with that question.