Loveless

POV Nora My eyes open and the sunlight peers through the curtain of the window. I can see the red walls of my room and it makes me tear up a little. Blinking hurts as my eyes are still sore from crying the day before. I can hear my mom moving pans in the kitchen and the kids yelling for chocolate chip pancakes. They need to go to school but I know this is hard for them too. He was their dad. I look at the clock and it's later than I thought. It's four in the afternoon. I haven't eaten but I know I should… it doesn't seem fair. It should have been me. It was my shift and he covered it so I could take care of Eli. Tears start streaming down my face again, turning into a sob. I can't control it anymore. It still feels like I just got the news. I Hear the door slowly open and Emma looks in. She looks at me and I smile through the tears. She runs up onto the bed and hugs me, her small hands hitting my shoulders. I remember when she would hug him when we came home from work and how happy it made me, but now it just makes me cry more. I hold her a little tighter and kiss her head. I know I have to be strong for them. They need their mom. She starts telling me what they did with grandma today but I can't focus on what she is saying. I just keep feeling the vibration of my knees hitting the floor in shock and the feeling of my heart being ripped out. I look at my knees and see the bruises left from where I'd fallen. It didn't feel like I landed that hard but I guess it was worse than I thought. The police officer's voice kept repeating in my head, telling me he was one of the people killed. The kids and I were watching TV when the news anchor said that the bank we worked at was robbed, 7 people dead and 15 people injured. I sat on the couch staring at the door, waiting for him to come in, but he didn't and he never will again. Finally I snap out of it as Emma is telling me about the park and I try to smile so she thinks I’m ok. Even though I probably don’t look good. Next thing I know Eli comes in and craws onto the bed and lays in my lap as I hear my mom swearing about something. “Hey, let’s go help grandma.” I say to the kids as I start to push the blanket down, and they quickly run out of the room. I sit on the edge of the bed preparing myself to stand. It feels like I haven’t left the bed since the funeral. As I start to stand my legs feel shaky. I know that I need to get past this for my kids. I walk into the kitchen and I see my mom trying to make pancakes, one lying on a plate next to her. I walk up and see that it’s burnt, so I rip it in half and decide that the kids can have the next one, but as I tear into it I see it’s still raw on the inside. I laugh and my mom looks up questioningly. “Mom I love you but these pancakes are somehow burned and raw at the same time.” Laughing even more after I finish my sentence she pushes the spatula into my hands. “I was never the cook your father was, so you try.” I can tell she is slightly upset, as she walks to sit with the kids at the table where they are coloring. I go to flip the pancake and realize the flame is too high so I turn it down. Even though it’s a little burned on one side, I figure it should be ok. I was always the one that cooked in the house. Connor could cook but he was always better at watching the kids while I handled it. I feel my eyes starting to well up and try to shake it from my head. I pull the pancake out of the pan as I start the next one. After some time I have a big enough stack to feed us all and take it to the table. The kids look at the pancakes almost drooling as I put one on a plate for each of them, then sit and serve myself. My mom looks at me, obviously calmed down. “I know it’s soon but the lawyer keeps calling to talk about all of Connor's belongings. He says he found some strange stuff.” She looks worried. “Ok I will call him first thing in the morning. Thank you mom for all your help the past week. I know it’s probably a lot and I need to just get past all of this…” She jumps in ”Losing someone is hard! And even harder when it's your husband, so you shouldn’t expect to just get past all of this. It’s going to take time, and that's ok. I will be here to help as much as you need.” I can tell by her eyes that she understands how I feel. My dad passed away when I was 14 from cancer. We didn't catch it fast enough and he only lived 6 months after the diagnosis. My mom was heart broken. She only kept going for us kids. I always thought she was a strong woman but I never knew how strong till now.