A Wife's Regret

Chapter 6

LIA ELIZA ALFARO's POV

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Papunta pa lang ang sasakyan ko sa harap ng bahay, natanawan ko na ang lalaking nakatayo sa harap ng gate na tila ba mayroong hinihintay.

I couldn't see his face clearly because he wore a cap at nakatalikod ito sa akin.

Huminto ako sa harap ng garage at bumaba ako ng sasakyan. Tumingin ito sa direksyon ko habang papalapit ako sa kanya.

He removed his cap on his head nang makalapit ako and I was stopped nang mamukhaan ko ito.

Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko at the moment. I had no any plans of seeing him again.

Umalis ako noong gabing iyon because I no longer wanted to see him. I made a mistake, and... it should remain on that island.

"What are you doing here?" malamig na tanong ko rito.

"How are you?" malumanay na tanong nito.

"I don't feel the need to answer that. You can leave now."

Narinig ko ang marahas na pagbuntong hininga nito. "You're... you're pregnant?"

Hindi ko agad nagawang sumagot. And I had no plans of telling him about that. I had no plans of coming back at that island and tell him na panagutan niya ako. I would be responsible for my own mistake. Hindi ko siya kailangan to raise my own child.

"Who told you?"

"Your friend... she called me."

And Riel shouldn't have contacted him. Alam naman nito na kasama ko nang iniwan ang gabing iyon noong umalis ako sa isla.

"Forget it. I can raise my child alone. I don't need you or anyone."

Tinanggal ko na rin ang tingin ko rito at bumaling na ako sa gate para buksan iyon pero muli itong nagsalita.

"Please, I want to be a father to my child."

Pinagpatuloy ko rin ang pagbubukas ng gate at hindi ko na ito tiningnan pa hanggang sa tuluyan akong makapasok sa loob ng bahay.

I took a shower and dressed up before I called Riel.

"Oh, be--"

"Why did you call him?"

"Call him?"

Pumikit ako nang mariin habang nakaharap sa glass door ng balcony.

"He didn't have to know," I said coldly.

"Bes... I just thought... he deserved to know."

"You know I don't want to see him anymore, right?"

Narinig ko ang marahas na pagbuntong hininga nito sa kabilang linya.

"I'm sorry... let's talk about this personally, okay? Don't be mad at me..."

Starting that day I would always see that man in front of our house bago ako umalis papunta sa bakeshop at pauwi galing doon. Parati itong nakaharang sa garage and I couldn't go straight there.

Kailangan ko pa itong babain. He would always bring me foods or fruits na ilang beses ko nang tinanggihan pero hindi pa rin ito tumitigil.

"Why don't you properly talk to him?" Riel asked habang hinahalo ang kape niya.

"We have nothing to talk about."

Humugot ito ng malalim na hininga. "Remember... years, years, years, as in years ago, you would always tell me na... hindi maiiwan mag-isa ang anak mo katulad nang naranasan mo. You promised yourself na 'yung anak mo hindi magiging illegitimate katulad mo. You promised yourself na if ever na magkaroon ka ng anak, sisiguraduhin mong may buo siyang pamilya kasi you've experienced how hurting it was na walang tumatanggap sa'yo. What happened now?" Malumanay na tanong nito. "Gusto mo bang maranasan niya ang naranasan mo? Always looking for someone to complete her?"

Hindi ko nagawang sumagot agad. She knew how I hate talking about family.

"Why don't you... just have a deal. Marry him--"

"I barely know him, Riel," agad sambit ko rito.

Nilahad nito ang kamay sa ere. "Kaya nga kilalanin mo. Don't close your doors. Isipin mo hindi 'yun para sa'yo, isipin mo para 'yun sa anak niyong dalawa. Inosente naman ang bata, hindi ba? Please... sana hindi kayong dalawa ang dahilan kung bakit nagiging miserable ang buhay ng bata."

I heaved a deep sigh at tumingin ako sa labas ng glass window habang unti-unting humihigpit ang kapit ko sa cup na nasa ibabaw ng mesa.

"You're even... mentally unstable. I don't want to say that but we both know that. Paano kung iba na naman ang pumasok sa isip mo? Kapag nasa ospital ka, sinong mag-aalaga sa kanya? I can, pero paano kung wala na ako? Kung may mangyari sa aking masama na I wish ay wala. What? Who will take care of her kung pilit mong tinutulak 'yung taong umaako sa kanya? Can you imagine?"

I let out a deep sigh. Ayokong pag-usapan ang kahit anong tungkol doon but I couldn't even tell her to stop.

"Yes, you have the money, you have the house, the car, you can send her to decent school, you can feed her, pero hindi lang pera ang magpapalaki sa kanya, bes. The two of you who made her o ikaw, ikaw mismo. I know you're strong, but are you ready? Kaya mo ba talagang mag-isa?"

Bumaling ako rito. She looked so worried about me. Honestly, I don't know. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari.

"I know you'll think of it, you'll realized it eventually. Kahit gaano mo pa sabihing kaya mo siyang palakihin on your own, alam mong hindi... dahil alam mo rin that you can even take care of yourself. You've tried but you can't still fix yourself, you can't still control yourself. Alam kong natatakot ka... natatakot kang hindi maging mabuting ina sa kanya and you're afraid to hurt her."

Naramdaman ko ang kamay nitong humaplos sa ibabaw ng kamay ko.

"Bes... why don't you try to open your heart? Malay mo iyang inaanak ko na pala ang magbabago ng buhay mo. Malay mo finally... sa kanya na iikot ang mundo mo at hindi na sa taong hindi na babalik pa sa buhay mo."

Mabilis kong pinunasan ang luhang naglandas sa pisngi ko.

That day I saw that man in front of the gate again. Magulo pa rin ang isip ko. I had already decided, but my conversation with Riel confused me.

Ilang sandali rin itong tiningnan mula sa sasakyan ko bago ako bumaba mula roon.

"She said it's a girl," anito nang may bahagyang ngiti sa mga labi nang makalapit ako. "She sent me the copy of the sonogram."

"Why do you keep on coming back here?"

Nanatili itong nakatingin sa mga mata ko bago sumagot. "I want to take my responsibility."

It was always easy to say that.

Tinanggal ko rin ang tingin ko rito at sinimulang buksan ang lock ng gate.

"Please... let me take my responsibility."

Huminto ako at ilang sandali bago bumaling rito.

"What were you doing in that island?"

Hindi ito nakasagot agad na tila hindi inaasahang itatanong ko iyon.

"I'm... I... just wanted to forget someone."

Kusang tumaas ang isang kilay ko. "You have a girlfriend?"

Marahan itong umiling.

"Wife?"

Muli itong umiling. "Nothing."

"You still love her?"

He again did not answer immediately and just looked into my eyes for a while. I could see how much he was trying to hide the pain in those eyes dahil parati ko rin iyong sinusubukang gawin.

"I do..."

That was better.

I don't like someone around being too clingy. I don't like anyone else to have a romantic feelings with me. Ayoko nang gumawa ng effort to distance myself sa taong hindi ako naman ako interesado.

"I am not requiring you to take your responsibility. Bakit hindi ka na lang umalis?"

I just wonder. Maraming lalaki ang naglalaho na parang bula after getting what they want. Marami ang hindi gusto ang responsibilidad. I wondered why he didn't choose to run.

"I've... already felt the feeling of not having a father by my side. I don't want her to feel the same way."

Nanatili akong nakatingin sa nga mata nito. I just wanted to make sure that he wasn't lying at all.

"Tomorrow," I simply said. "I will see you here tomorrow."

Tuluyan ko nang tinanggal ang tingin ko rito. Binuksan ko ang gate at dumiretso na ako papasok sa loob ng bahay.

Early morning, I already saw him in front of the house mula sa glass wall ng silid namin ni Tim.

He was standing there under the sun. Matagal ko rin itong tiningnan lang doon bago ako bumaba para pagbuksan ito ng gate.

"Dinalhan kita ng mga prutas," he said.

Tiningnan ko lang ang hawak niyang basket and didn't bother to say anything. Bumalik na rin ako sa loob ng bahay at hinayaan ko itong sumunod sa akin.

Huminto rin ako nang maramdaman kong hindi na ito nakasunod pa. I shifted my gaze at him at nakita kong nakatingin siya sa wedding portrait namin ni Tim na nakasabit sa pader.

"You're not here to look at that photo," I said coldly.

Tinanggal rin nito ang tingin doon at bumaling sa akin. Muli ko rin itong tinalikuran at nagpatuloy ako sa paghakbang papunta sa Dens.

Nakaupo na ako sa couch ay tumingin pa rin ito sa paligid. I just let him until he decided to sit across me.

Sandali kaming kinain ng katahimikan. I just wanted to observe him. Riel sent me some information about him, but I didn't mind looking at those. Ang sabi niya walang record and I trust her enough para patuluyin ang lalaking iyon sa bahay.

"How are you?" maya-maya ay malumanay na tanong nito.

Humugot ito ng malalim na hininga nang hindi makakuha ng sagot mula sa akin.

"I'm sorry for going here every day. I just want to... let you know that I will not give up. I will take my responsibility until you let me to."

I crossed my legs at diretsong tumingin sa mga mata niya.

"I want my child to be legitimate."

Ayoko nang magpaligoy-ligoy pa. It wasn't my thing.

I had never imagined myself being in that situation pero naroroon na ako. I had to make decisions not for myself anymore. Matagal ko nang isinuko ang sarili ko. I don't care about myself. I only care for the child in my womb.

"I will marry you," anito na tila hindi man lang iyon pinag-isipan.

Then it should be better. Hindi ko na kailangan pa nang mahabang conversation rito.

"Let's have a deal."

He was also good at hiding his emotions, I guess. Hindi ko agad nakita ang reaksyon nito tungkol doon.

"What kind of deal?"

"You can leave whenever you want to after she's born."

"I won't leave," agad sambit nito na tila sigurong sigurado sa pahayag niya.

"We will only be married in papers. Nothing more than that. I don't like people interfering with my personal life, so you better stay on your line."

"I understand..."

I looked in his eyes for a while bago ako muling magsalita.

"Leave now."