A Wife's Regret

Chapter 35

LIA ELIZA ALFARO's POV

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Pinanuod ko ito habang kumakain siya ng hotdog sa convenience store na pinuntahan namin malapit sa school niya.

"Yum, yum... you want, mommy?" she asked at inabot iyon sa akin.

Marahan kong pinunasahan ang ketchup sa gilid ng labi niya. "Finish that."

"Thank you for the food, mommy," nakangiting anito at mabilis na hinalikan ang pisngi ko.

She was humming habang patuloy sa pagkain. She looked so happy and grateful. Huminto ang daddy niya sa talyer at sinabihan ko na itong ako na ang magda-drive ng sasakyan papunta sa opsina ko. I went back to Eli's school bago mag-lunch at mas ginusto nga nitong kumain sa convenience store.

Hindi ko na siya pinabalik sa loob ng school. Sinama ko siya sa mall. I told her na pumili ng laruang gusto niya, but she refused. Bago pa raw ang mga nabili namin noong nakaraan at iyon muna ang gusto niyang laruin.

Dinala ko na lang siya sa clothes and shoes area. She didn't ask me to buy her anything pero binili ko na ang mga tiningnan niya.

Nagpunta rin kami sa isang shop kung saan may mga iba't-ibang pares ng damit at iba pang gamit. I bought some na magkamukha kaming dalawa ng pantulog, mask, slippers at iba pa.

"Mommy, look at that shirt!"

Wala sa loob na tumingin ako sa tinuro nitong shirt na nakasabit sa gawing ulunan niya. It was a red polo shirt.

"Can we buy that for daddy?"

That's what I was talking about when I said na hindi ito humihingi sa akin ng kahit ano for herself. Always for someone else.

Kinuha ko iyon at inilagay sa hawak kong basket. She was smiling from ear to ear. Umikot pa ako sa loob and I found myself looking at other polos. Kinapa ko ang tela ng mga iyon. I found a white one na ilalagay ko sana sa basket, but I realized... I shouldn't be... buying anything for him just because I wanted to. Hindi pa ako nawawala sa sarili. Just close.

Binalik ko iyon kung saan ko kinuha. "Eli, let's go."

Binayaran ko ang mga nabili namin sa counter pagkatapos ay dinala ko na siya sa sinehan. She said it was her first time there kaya naman excited siya.

"Mommy..." she whispered while sitting beside me. "My chair's too big, and it's cold here. Can we share a seat?"

Binaba ko ang handbag ko sa paanan, and I removed my coat. "Come here."

Agad itong tumayo. Hindi na siya kasya sa tabi ko kaya naman hinayaan ko na siyang sumampa sa lap ko. Pinatong ko rin sa balikat niya ang coat ko. She wasn't that heavy. I guess I could handle her sitting there for more than an hour.

Niyakap nito ang binili naming popcorn at nabaling na ang atensyon niya sa malaking screen to watch that animated movie.

Halos bata ang nasa loob with their parents. Matagal na rin noong huling beses akong pumasok sa sinehan. I also couldn't believe I was watching a movie for kids.

Kumuha rin ako ng popcorn sa hawak nito at isinubo iyon. She was making some reactions too, but she was keeping her tone low.

Naramdaman ko ang pagsandal ng ulo nito sag gawing dibdib at balikat ko sa kalagitnaan ng panunuod. She was warm. I could feel it.

Wala sa loob na tiningnan ko ito. She looked so innocent, yet parang alam niya lahat ng bagay sa mundo the way she talked. I suddenly remembered how scared I was when I learned that I was pregnant. I wasn't scared for myself— I was scared for her.

I knew I wasn't ready. I wasn't sure kung kaya kong mag-isa o kung kaya kong alagaan siya. But then, a lot of things happened, years passed, I forgot that I have her.

Nag-angat ito ng tingin sa akin. "Mommy, are you watching?"

I just remained looking at her.

"Let's bring daddy here next time," nakangiting anito at malambing na idinikit ang pisngi niya sa pisngi ko.

I never thought I would feel that feeling again—the feeling when I first felt her skin on mine. I wouldn't forget because it was different. Words weren't enough to describe it.

Kumain kami pagkatapos namin doon. She didn't stop talking. Para siyang automated machine na hindi na ma-turn off. Riel was right, I hated noise, pero hinayaan ko lang itong magkuwento tungkol sa pinauod naming dalawa. She was telling me kung sino ang paborito niyang character and why. I didn't undertsnd everything, but I tried to listen to her.

Hindi niya pa gustong umuwi kahit oras na ng uwian nila sa school. She called her daddy and informed him na kasama niya ako. She knew what to do. Alam niyang kapag hindi siya nagsabi ay magagalit na naman ito sa kanya just like before.

Dinala ko siya sa upper floor kung saan may malaking playground. Umupo lang ako sa waiting area at hinayaan ko na siyang maglaro.

Matagal ko rin siyang pinanuod sa pag-ikot sa loob. Lumalapit lang ito sa akin kapag nauuhaw siya. She didn't have to stay at school for a long hours. She didn't have to pressure herself too much.

I just checked some personal messages on my phone habang hinihintay siyang magsawa sa paglalaro. Some customers wanted to directly talk to me, lalo na iyong mga regular customer na ilang taon nang bumibili sa bakeshop.

I was currently typing on my phone nang makarinig ako ng malakas na kalabog. Napatayo agad ako nang makita kong si Eli iyon. Nalaglag siya sa slides.

Naging malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko habang nagmamadaling lumapit rito. I immediately get her shoulders.

"Mommy..." she said and cried.

"It's okay..." I embraced her and squeezed her back. I tried to stop from crying pero tila hindi talaga maganda ang pagbagsak niya at nasaktan talaga siya.

Inilayo ko siya nang bahagya sa akin para tingnan ang sugat niya. I almost gasp for air nang makita ko ang bukol sa noo niya.

"Mommy..." she cried.

"Stop now... we'll go home," malumanay na sambit ko habang pinupunasan ang mga luha niya. She didn't stop, but I didn't get mad at her. Hinayaan ko na lang siyang umiyak habang tinitingnan pa rin ang bukol niya.

"Hey, ma'am!" tawag sa akin ng maliit na batang babae. "That ugly boy pushed her!" anito at tinuro ang matabang batang lalaki na nasa itaas ng slides.

Agad ko itong binigyan ng matalim na tingin. Mukhang natakot ito at nagmamadaling bumaba. Nilapitan agad ito ng sa tingin ko ay yaya niya. Mabilis silang nag-ayos ng gamit at akmang aalis na pero sinundan ko sila.

I grabbed that young boy's arm. Takot na takot itong tumingin sa akin.

"How dare you push my daughter?"

"Yaya!" he immediately cried.

Agad namang hinawakan ng yaya nito ang wrist ko para bitiwan ang bata. "Ma'am, pasensya na po talaga. Hindi niya naman po sinasad—"

"Don't make me a fool. Baka hindi ko matiis, ikaw ang itulak ko mula dito sa fifth floor."

"P-pasensya na po talaga... b-bitiwan niyo na po 'yung bata."

"No," I told her without blinking. "he has to apologize to my daughter." Marahas kong hinila ang braso nito at kinaladkad siya palapit sa anak ko.

"Ma'am!" tawag sa akin ng yaya nito. I didn't stop and the kid didn't stop crying.

"Apologize now."

"Yaya!" iyak pa rin nito.

I remained composed because they would want to see it if I would lose my cool. Alam niyang wala akong planong bitiwan ang alaga niya kahit tawagin niya pa lahat ng security sa buong gusali ng mall. She did her best to convince the kid to apologize.

Eventually, nakumbinsi niya rin ang bata. Ilang beses ko iyong pinaulit sa kanya hanggang sa hindi iyon lumilinaw sa pandinig ko. Binitiwan ko rin siya pagkatapos.

"We're still not done here. I'll seek damages."

"M-Ma'am... mawawalan po ako ng trabaho. P-patawarin niyo na po 'yung bata. Hindi niya po alam ang gingawa niya."

"He's obviously a brat. My daughter can forgive, but not me. I don't forgive people."

Kinuhanan ko ng litrato ang ID ng bata bago ko kinuha ang kamay ng anak ko. I helped her wear her shoes at kahit paano ay tumigil na rin siya sa pag-iyak. Sinukbit ko ang bag niya sa balikat ko pagkatapos ay binuhat ko siya. Dinala ko pa ang mga shopping bag.

Tahimik lang itong dumukdok sa balikat ko. Maraming nag-aabang sa elevator kaya sa escalator na lang ako bumaba. She was kinda heavy at marami pa akong bitbit, but I didn't mind.

Naging tahimik ito sa loob ng sasakyan. I decided na dumaan muna sa clinic para mapa-check siya. They run some tests and I was thankful that she was fine. Kaunting kwentuhan lang sa doctor ay naging madaldal na ulit ito kahit papaano.

Dumaan kami sa ibang bakeshop and I bought some cupckaes for her. I knew that would make her happy. Nakabawi agad ito.

"What's wrong?" I asked nang tumitig lang ito sa akin na may namumuong luha sa mga mata.

"Thank you for being there, mommy..."

Hindi ako nakasagot agad.

"Whenever... I'm mad, just... just walk away or leave me alone, do you understand?"

"But why, mommy?"

"I'm still... having a hard time controlling myself. I'm still trying to fix myself."

Ngumiti ito nang bahagya sa akin. "Please get better, mommy, okay?"

It was almost eight nang makauwi kami ng bahay.

"Daddy!" mabilis na sambit nitonag makarating kami sa living room. She hugged him.

"How was your—" Napatigil ito nang makita ang noo ng anak niya. He immediately held her face. "W-what happened to your forehead?"

"Hmm, I was playing at the mall, and that bad kid pushed me down the slides."

"What?" he asked in disbelief. "How are you feeling? May nabali ba sa'yo? May masakit ba?"

"Daddy, I'm fine. Please don't worry about me. Mommy and I already went to a doctor."

Tumingin ito sa direksyon ko. Mula sa pag-alala sa mga mata nito ay napalitan agad iyon ng lamig.

Tumayo ito at nagtatangis ang bagang na lumapit sa akin para marahas na kuhanin ang braso ko. It was too harsh na nabitiwan ko ang mga dala kong shopping bag.

"Tell me, did you hurt her?"

I wasn't even intimidated. I already expected that—I expected worse than that.

"She already told you what happened," casual na sabit ko rito.

"How do you expect me to believe that?"

"Daddy, please don't get mad at her. It wasn't mommy's fault!"

Hindi nito tinanggal ang nagbabagang tingin sa akin. "Hindi mo siya inalagaan nang mahabang taon. Now, ilang oras lang, hindi mo pa rin nagawa? Aalalayan mo lang, papanuorin, susundan, mahirap pa rin para sa'yo. You can always do nothing for her. I don't think I can ever forgive you kapag may nangyaring masama sa kanya sa susunod. Marahas nitong binitiwan ang braso ko. "Let's go to your room, Eli."

Nakabusangot lang na tumingin ito sa akin at hinayaan niyang hilahin na siya palayo nito.

Simpleng akong tumignin sa ibang direksyon and release a sigh. Well, I expected to hear that... but I didn't want to hear that.

I was planning to annoy him even more by following them pero huminto rin ako nang mabuksan ko nang bahagya ang pinto.

"Daddy, why are you mad at her? It wasn't her fault. Please, don't be mean to mommy..." malumanay na sambit nito habang nakaupo sa gilid ng bed niya.

"I'm mad at her. I can't help it. I just hate the fact that she's not taking good care of you. Ilang oras lang... ilang oras lang 'yung ibibigay niya pero hindi niya pa rin magawang alagaan ka nang maayos."

"Mommy's taking good care of me, daddy. Please don't feel mad at her. Please say sorry to her."

"No..." he answered firmly. "I wont say sorry to her hangga't hindi siya humihingi ng tawad sa'yo."

"I feel better now, daddy. Mommy and I went to the mall. We bought clothes, and we bought one for you. Do you wanna see it?"

Akmang bababa ito ng kama pero pinigilan siya nito. "No... I wanna ask a favor from you."

"Hmm?"

"Stop asking her... to buy me anything or give me anything... or do anything for me."

"Why, daddy? You don't have many clothes. You also wash them so you can wear them again on the following days."

"It's fine... I'm fine with it. Just don't ask her. Just don't..."

"Okay, daddy... sorry."

"Go... take a rest now. I'll fix our things."

"Fix our things? Are we still going to leave, daddy?"

"Hmm-hmm, we'll leave next weekend."

"I don't wanna leave anymore, daddy. Can we stay here, with mommy, please? Mommy will feel sad. Maybe she'll miss us."

"It was the plan, right?"

"Yeah... but mommy's trying to be nice already. I want us to be together... every day."

He gently held Eli's shoulders and caressed them. "I also want that for you. Gusto ko masaya ka. Gusto ko buo ka, pero... ayokong bigyan ka ng magulong pamilya. Ayokong makita mong pinipilit lang namin, ayokong makita mong hindi kami okay, nagsisigawan, nag-away... that's how I grow up and I don't want you to experience that because I once wished na hindi na lang kami buo."

"Daddy, we are used of understanding her and doing everything for her, right? Why are you giving up?" tanong nito na namumuo ang luha sa mga mata.

"I'm not giving up. Leaving here doesn't mean we'll never see her again. I'll let her visit you. We'll still... be there for her kapag kailangan niya tayo. We just really... have to leave kasi kapag nakikia ko siya... nagagalit ako." He held her hand and squeezed it. "Nagagalit ako sa sarili ko."

"Maybe... I'll ask her to apologize to you? Maybe that could fix everything, daddy."

He wiped her tears and caressed her cheek. "I don't need that. I don't need her apologies. I don't need her to do anything for me. Sapat na sa akin iyong itrato ka niya nang mabuti kahit hindi na bilang anak. I know... you'll still need her in your life. One day, when you're grown up and become so close to her, and you decided to go with her and leave me... it will... will be okay-- as long as nakikita kong inaalagan ka niya, that's enough. After all, mas kaya ka niyang bigyan ng magandang buhay. For now, sa akin ka muna, hmm? Hindi ko pa kaya ng wala ka eh."

"Daddy, I will never leave you," she cried. "You're my best friend, and you're my superhero. You can always make my bad day a good day. I will never leave you even though we don't have much money to buy delicious food. I can always eat noodles with you."

He chuckled and hugged her with tears in his eyes.

"I will always apologize to you for everything... I won't stop trying to give the world to you."

"I love you, daddy. Please don't feel bad. I will take care of you better when I grow up. I promise."

I didn't even notice I was standing there for so long. I just found yself going back to my room. Inubos ko ang isang baso ng wine habang nakatingin sa labas ng bahay.

It still didn't ease... the tightness in my chest. I should forget that. After all, hindi ko naman hahayaang makaalis sila. The choice was on me. I would decide.