Sinful Attachment

KABANATA 19

Chase looked up at her, confused. “How?”

“Choose him.” Sambit ni Charlotte.

“Hindi mo kaya?” Natatawang dagdag ni Charlotte.

“Then play with him. After all, for fun lang naman set up niyong dalawa,” Charlotte said, a hint of provocation in her tone .Hindi siya basta nagsasalita, she was pushing, testing, at tila pinipilit si Chase na mag-react, na magpakita kung ano ba talaga ang totoo.

Chase immediately frowned. “Charlotte…” she said, may babala na sa boses niya na ikinangisi naman ni Charlotte.

Charlotte raised an eyebrow slightly. “What? Nagsasabi lang naman ako ng totoo.”

“Sinong baliw ang mag seseryoso sa usapang maglalaro lang sila?” Dagdag pa niya.

“That’s not funny,” Chase replied, mas seryoso na ngayon ang tono niya.

Charlotte didn’t back down. “I’m not joking.” Matapang niyang sambit.

That simple line changed the atmosphere again.

“I’m not like that,” Chase said quietly after a pause.

Chase looked away for a moment, jaw tightening, like saying it out loud was also her way of convincing herself. Her chest felt tight, uncomfortable, like she was being forced to look at something she didn’t want to admit even to herself.

“And I’m not saying you are.” Sagot naman ni Charlotte, not judging. Not laughing.

For a few seconds, Chase didn’t move. Her eyes stayed somewhere blank, but her mind was clearly working overtime. Her thoughts were messy, overlapping, pulling her in different directions. There was confusion, yes, but more than that, there was discomfort, because deep inside, she knew Charlotte wasn’t just talking about Kaizer.

It was about Chaos too.

“I’m not like that,” Chase repeated, this time more firm, pero may halong shakiness pa rin na hindi niya maitatago. “Hindi ko siya kayang gawing laro.”

“Sino?” Painosenteng tanong ni Charlotte kahit alam naman niya sino ang tinutukoy nito.

“Both of them? Kaizer? Chaos?” Tanong ni Charlotte muli.

Her eyes finally met Charlotte’s again, and for a brief second, there was something vulnerable there. Not weakness exactly, but honesty she wasn’t fully ready to show. “Kahit sabihin mong for fun lang ‘to, hindi ganun ‘yon.”

“If you say so? Basta nagsabi ako sayo, and besides… Mag kaibigan kami ni Kauizer simula pag kabata, just saying?” Pag paparinig ni Charlotte kay Chase.

Her lips parted slightly, then closed again, like she was struggling to find the right words. Her fingers slowly loosened, then tightened again, showing how unstable her thoughts were at that moment.

“Hindi naman sa ganon,” she finally said, almost in a whisper, like it was something she didn’t fully plan to admit.

Charlotte’s gaze sharpened slightly, catching that immediately. “Then that’s your answer.”

“You clearly chose Kaizer. Hindi mo dinefend, hindi ka rin nagsalita.” Dagdag ni Charlotte.

Chase looked at her, confused for a second.

Charlotte leaned back a bit, crossing her arms, pero hindi na ganun ka-provocative ang aura niya ngayon. Mas controlled. Mas serious. “Kung hindi mo kayang gawing laro, ibig sabihin hindi na siya laro sayo.”

Chase swallowed, her throat feeling dry. Her gaze dropped again, this time longer, like she couldn’t hold Charlotte’s eyes anymore without feeling exposed.

Kasi doon na niya naramdaman yung tunay na problema.

Hindi siya basta naguguluhan lang.

Kay Kaizer, payapa siya. Masaya. Walang mabigat na iniisip, walang komplikadong tanong na paulit-ulit bumabalik sa isip niya. Hindi niya kailangang mag-overthink sa bawat galaw, bawat salita, bawat reaksyon. Everything feels light, simple, stable.

With him, she feels safe and happy in a way na hindi siya kinakabahan kung anong mangyayari next. Parang may steady ground siya na pwedeng sandalan kapag pagod siya sa gulo ng isip niya. Hindi siya laging on edge, hindi siya laging kinakabahan kung tama ba siya o mali. Sa tabi ni Kaizer, she can just breathe.

Pero kahit ganun, may hinahanap-hanap siya.

Something quieter. Something deeper.

Yung comfort na hindi lang dahil relaxed siya, kundi yung pakiramdam na hindi niya kailangang magtago ng kahit anong parte ng sarili niya. Yung hindi niya need mag-adjust, mag-filter, o mag-isip kung paano siya dapat mag-act para maging “okay” lang sa sitwasyon.

Kasi sa totoo lang, kahit gaano siya ka-comfortable kay Kaizer, may mga parte pa rin ng sarili niya na instinctively naka-check, naho-hold back, parang may invisible line na hindi niya basta-basta natatawid. May walls pa rin.

And then there’s Chaos. Iba yung presence niya sa buhay ni Chase.

Hindi dahil mas magulo, kundi dahil mas kilala siya nito sa paraan na hindi niya kailangang magpaliwanag pa. Yung tipong kahit hindi siya magsalita, parang alam na agad kung anong nasa isip niya. Yung mga silence nila, hindi awkward, kundi familiar. Parang kahit anong version ng sarili niya, nakita na ni Chaos dati pa.

With him, she doesn’t have to carefully construct herself.

She’s not scared.

She just is.

Kaya mas lalong naguguluhan si Chase.

Kasi kay Kaizer, she feels peace, safety, stability.

Pero kay kay Chaos, she feels understood in a way na hindi niya kailangang mag-pretend o mag-adjust. Parang kilalang-kilala siya nito kahit hindi niya sabihin lahat.

At mas mahirap i-ignore yun. Because Chase knew that she’s used to Chaos presence.

“Hindi naman siguro masamang sumubok?”

“I do love playing with fire.”

“I do love risky things.”

“And I do love playing… With Chaos.”

That one word didn’t feel like part of a sentence.

It felt like a trigger for Chase.

For a second, everything in Chase just stopped.

Her expression froze, like her brain was still processing but her body already gave up reacting. Parang may tumigil sa loob niya, something she couldn’t immediately explain or dismiss.

“I’m not telling you what to do,” Charlotte said simply, her voice even, steady. “I’m just telling you what’s already there.”

That line made Chase go quiet.

She swallowed, her gaze slowly dropping to her hands, like suddenly mas mabigat yung sarili niyang thoughts kaysa sa conversation sa harap niya.

It felt like Charlotte just said something she wasn’t supposed to admit out loud.

“I’ll think about it.” Sambit ni Chase na ikinagulat ni Charlotte.

Her plan works very well. Mukhang nag shake sa isip ni Chase ang nangyayari.

Because deep down, Charlotte knew na hindi basta basta kayang iwasan o iwanan ni Chase si Chaos.

Chaos has a big part in Chase’s heart.

And without Chaos, Chase wouldn’t survive.

Hindi kaya ng isa, mawala ang isa pa.

Chaos is his safe place, while Chase is Chaos comfort.