SHATTERED HEARTS

Katherine's POV Life has a way of piling on more than you can bear. At some point, you feel like you’re drowning, wishing you could just shut your eyes and escape. But even that kind of release isn’t as simple as it seems, and many of us don’t even get the option. So you endure. You take everything life throws at you, even when it feels like too much. And when you finally overflow, people blame you for not being strong enough, for “breaking.” But isn’t it obvious? When a tank starts leaking, isn’t it a clear sign that it’s full? Still, no one seems to notice—either because they’re too busy with their own problems or they just don’t care. I’ve learned not to blame them. People are overwhelmed in their own ways, and my cracks aren’t exactly on display for the world to see. Yet, there’s always someone ready to judge when I finally shatter, calling me “weak” or “poor quality.” But that might just be the easier way to resolve their guilt to not stopping the overflow or at least notice it and alert someone that could. But hey that's just me. At times, I wonder if I was cursed from the point of beginning. What wrong did I ever do in my past life if that's still a thing, is that even possible. Anyway the bearer of my soul in the past must have offended nature for me to end up just where I am at the moment. These thoughts swirl as I force myself to stand, my ribs aching, my legs barely holding me up. A groan leaves my mouth as I try to gather my bones together and just walk out from this hell I'm in. It's at this time I really wonder if I really pursued my interest in psychology how I would even be worth the role. Be there as a therapist trying to advise them on probably seeing the world in a different aspect when all I ever see myself is the world that's full of hateful people. Will I ever even let them heal. I don't think I can but every time it keeps calling on to me. The curiosity I have regarding this particular subject of psychology I think can only ever be dimmed down by just diving into it. If I'll ever make it that far. Highschool might just be my end. I finally manage to stand on my wobbly feet and drug myself out of the locker room and head to the washrooms. The only reason I'm heading there would be because I know it's late and very few people even there are still in school. The pain that I feel within my ribs as I try to move makes my mind head back to just about an hour ago. Where once again I ended up as a punching bag to my schoolmates. I really don't know what wrong I ever did that has me every damn time being punished. I just don't get how people could just hate you for being slightly different from them. There's no reason for this treatment I keep getting. How someone's mind could just be so naive yet you still go to school every other day I don't get it. Isn't school supposed to instill some of these things within us at least the religious version of study. But then again no one ever pays attention when you're needed to. Don't the parents of these bullies instill human feelings for their children. Anyway I don't intend to put the blame on anyone but I'm on the receiving end of all these loose cuts. How someone can just keep beating up somebody or threatening them every chance they get and not feel a tad bit of guilt in them is completely beyond them. Don't they think that suppose roles were reversed would they be okay to be on the receiving end. But maybe it's only me who gets to think that far since I'm the one on the disadvantage of being on the receiving end. I really hate that I'm the pathetic kid at school who's always being bullied, who's the loner and who doesn't have parents. I don't mean not to be appreciative of what I've got so far but with the kind of treatment being served towards me... Then I try to look into the reasons why I'm still being bullied even when I'm this grown. Besides those are just a few of the terms they use to describe me, which hurts but it's the truth in some way. I don't have parents been in an orphanage since I was three months according to the records, I'm pathetic, I'm the one who's always being bullied. I'm not a loner since I have a friend but still. I know there are a few others like me. For instance my best friend. Or more like my sister and we both have the same fates. It's like the universe just decided we'd be the version of the meanest joke to play in life. I keep trying to reason out with everything in this world but nothing ever has an answer. And I'd say it's the only reason I haven't fully given up on this pathetic life. Hoping for a future that I wouldn't be in this highschool anymore and the bullies won't have a chance to keep on bullying me. A future where i can live as if I'm not constantly walking on shells. But even that feels like a far away dream. Like what world would that ever be? It's no movie that the bullies might end up on my doorstep hoping I could just employ them. And Karma would be served by me mistreating them just because i can. I'm not a bitter person I try seeing that single silver lining in everything but at times I wish I was bitter then I'd be able to wish the bullies to all burn in hell and I might just do that. The goodness in me keeps on fading with every beating I take, with every insult I take, with every rumor that goes around the school, the names and the shoves down in the hallway. With every exclusion, I keep fading into the darkness that's almost consuming me. And at times I wish it'd consume me then maybe I might retaliate and not try to overthink a situation. And then probably I'd be able to protect Scarlett. I'm scared of when I'll leave the school all the attention will be on her. Scarlett is my best friend and my sister may not be by blood but still I consider her as my sister. We've been together ever since we were toddlers, though she's a year younger than me which makes her junior since I was in my senior year and the last year till the orphanage let's me go. I'll be turning eighteen soon so... Anyway I don't want to think that far it makes me anxious. At least as of now I know Scarlett isn't black and blue like me since I took her beating and ordered her to head home. If we aren't there the two of us by the curfew time it would have created problems. But with at least one of us there an excuse could be made up. Which is why I'm here alone. I can't really walk out with blood dripping from my busted lip, I need to fix up before heading out. And also work some ribs with the bandages that way I could move around a tad bit easier. I make it to the washrooms and start attending to my ribs and then my lip. I learnt the hard way to always have a kit inside your bag. But I just think its so wrong that I have to live on as if I'm walking on shells. I can't do this anymore. Anyway who am I kidding It's a statement I've been making ever since i was probably nine and I'm almost eighteen so yeah almost nine years later and no action apart from crying at night while letting the thoughts I have been struggling with overwhelm me. Nights should be rest times but I think I may agree with my bed that if that happened between our relationship it was probably a handful of times, others involved me up crying and holding onto my pillow whilst muffling my cries so that Scarlett won't realize since we share a tiny room together. While the others are in fours. The orphanage isn't that big and we just cope with what's there. After fixing up myself I closed up my kit after rearranging everything back to where it was. After which I walk out making my way back to the orphanage and I'm so sure I'm going to get it from Anita. She's in charge of the orphanage and has been our caregiver since i could remember. She's no joke when rules are broken but I didn't mean to break them but I can't tell her that. I once did tell her about the bullying in my younger days and she went to school and had a talk with my teacher who made an announcement in class about the bullying. She thought she was controlling the situation but that only made things worse. The bullies accused me of trying to have them thrown out of school and I got to get punished for being a snitch. I hadn't really told Anita the culprits, I just used the general term. 'Girls and boys in my class.' Looking back at it that was stupid of me I should have just named the individuals and then maybe justice would have been served. Anyway can't go back now so I have to face the music. Which shouldn't be the case. I know I don't deserve this but like I keep saying it can only be for so much before I just stop pushing and just let everything drown me. ,,,, ,,,, ,,,, ,,,,