SHATTERED HEARTS

13 - Girlfriend

Alex's POV

The knocking on my door went on for a while and then it stopped. I looked at the door for a while before walking towards my bathroom. I walked towards the sink and looked at the reflection playing on the other side. I cant even look at myself without feeling disgusted by myself and the image of the heartless monster staring right back at me. I’m the worst version of a monster. Even monsters recognize their loved ones and don’t try to inflict pain on them but this creature looking at me is the worst kind. How. How could you just hurt… This is a question ill never have an answer to one I don’t understand the only explanation being I’m the sickest of all monsters. A disgusting creature only one would do such. I looked back at the door leading outside the bathroom to my bed after I had another series of knocks. They would eventually tire out and head away. Its been like that for a couple of weeks. I don’t want to see anyone if its not her to confess. And I knew it wasn’t her at the door.

I knew who it was and I didn’t want to open the door. Opening it would just be me tormenting myself more. I cant see her. The guilt is driving me insane and more than anything every time I see Scarlett I see Kate crying and begging. Not that I don’t see her any other time but I don’t want to see anyone. Today is on a Sunday and Scarlett usually stops by but I am not in the mood to see her or anyone haven’t been for the last couple of weeks. I know I’m worrying my old man and probably Scarlett but I’m an evil person who they shouldn’t concern with. I’m a monster and soon they’ll find out and Scarlett will hate me let alone now that she considers me her friend. My old man will disown me. I deserve that. And I don’t want to hurt them more than they will. But first I need to find her. Apologize to her even if she doesn’t want to hear it, crawl on the mad if she wants me to have her rash at me all she wants, punch me, kill me if she wants but I want her to know I’m sorry. It will not undo the damage but then her hatred will have somewhere to be directed. After that she can drag me to the jail or mental hospital or to hell if she deems. Even if she doesn’t I’ll drop myself there. I deserve that and more.

I cant even close my eyes without seeing her teary face. I no longer recall her smiling face or her blushing face. Now the only image implanted in my mind is of that night. Her tears as she looked at me begging me to stop and I couldn’t. I couldn’t. This thought had me banging my hand hard against the bathroom wall. I had one job, one f*****g job, to treasure her and I ended up hurting her in the most cruel way ever. I feel tears threaten to fall from my eyes as I sink on the bathroom floor but I don’t let them I cannot cry I don’t deserve to. I’m meant to hurt, and hurt badly. Live in total torment and pain. Not that even that is close to being an atonement for my wrongs. But it’s the least I deserve. Only for that reason I haven’t allowed myself to follow my mother.

If I cant find her in the next weeks then I’ll just turn myself in maybe then she’ll show up. It’s been almost six months of me trying to find clues and somehow I cant seem to find any. Its like she has disappeared from the world and no trace left of her as if I had imagined her. All those years which is insane considering its like about ten years or so since I first met her. No I couldn’t have imagined all those things. Not possible to do so at least I hope so otherwise I might as well be declared mentally unstable which I know I am considering the events that had occurred in the last few minutes. Maybe she was all imagined. I thought as my mind took me back to a few years ago.

Flashback

*******

"Hey come on in." My mother called and I walked in. It had been after school and I had to drop by my mom's class so that we could head out together. This had been our routine. But today I walked in and found a little girl sat next to her. I walked towards them and sat down on a near by chair waiting for my mom to be done.

"Don’t be rude, say hi." My mom scolded. I looked at her apologetically before turning to the girl, she was small and I guessed she was a student in the class my mother taught.

"Hi." I smiled at the girl and she just ducked her head. I looked at my mom asking what I should do now with my eyes. She smiled before standing up and I got ready as well thinking we were about to head out until she spoke next.

"Alex dear, look after Katherine for a while I need to take this documents to the principals office. Is that okay." She asked me and I nodded I didn't mind looking after the girl, she didn’t seem troublesome and I figured from her assumed posture most of the time would be spent with her that quiet I didn’t mind, so I nodded.

"Good, I'll just be a few minutes." With that she walked away. The girl continued ducking her head and I had opted to just remain quiet but then I saw my mother's face and how she would look at me pointedly for not being courteous and I groaned before pushing myself to sit next to her. I looked at her closely and she still had her head ducked.

"Don't you get tired of that." I couldn't help but question. But it finally had her raising her head she looked towards me before looking around as she pushed her hair away from her face.

"It’s you I’m talking to." I whispered and I went to tuck her hair behind her ear I needed to see her clearly and her hair was all over the place. She looked at me puzzled before pushing her hair away again from her face and puffing her cheeks I just looked on which had a tinge of red appearing on her cheeks and I chuckled was that a blush.

"Do you have a hair band." I asked and she shook her head. I walked towards the teachers desk and opened the last drawer I knew she kept such things in there got two before going back to the girl and I took her hand before placing one band on her wrist and she smiled.

“Keep this one.” I instructed.

"Thank you." She finally spoke and her child like voice had me smiling like crazy. I walked behind her and helped arrange her hair in a pony tail with the other one.

"What are you doing."

"Tying your hair so it’s not all over the place. I can see how it upsets you from time to time and I want to see the face of my new friend." I said back chuckling at my last sentence.

"Uuhhhh.. Okay." She whispered and another smile mirrored on my face. I gathered her hair into a neat pony tail. I had gotten used to doing that for my mother whenever she wanted to have it in a ponytail. something about how I’d always throw a tantrum while I was tiny if she wouldn’t let me do it. And it just grew with me I guess. After that I smiled at her and she ducked her head once more.

"Stop doing that you'll hurt your neck." I told her gently before sitting next to her once more.

"Sorry."

"Don’t apologize either when you haven’t done something wrong okay." I told her gently after she looked at me and she smiled at me.

"I like your smile let's keep more coming." I smiled at her and her smile grew wider. And so did mine I couldn't help it.

"What are you doing." I asked looking at the books open in front of her.

"Calculations."

"Are you done."

"Not yet, teacher Ann was helping me out now I'm stuck without her help."

"I can help."

"You know how to calculate."

"Yes, and my mother is your teacher then you’re two grades below me. I know this calculations."

"Wow, you're teacher Ann's son. That's so cool."

"I guess it is." I chuckled at her dreamy face and I almost patted her head but stopped myself.

"Come on let's get started on the calculations." She nodded and we started working on them, she was a great student really paid attention. My mother was yet to return and we were almost done with her homework we were working on the last problem and I let her finish it after guiding her halfway and proceeded to get out my lunch box. I hadn't eaten a lot that day so my lunch was barely eaten. I got out two apples from my bag as well. I liked apples which was why I always carried more than one. I smiled at that thought and Handed one to Kate. After she got done with the final problem and I checked to see if I was okay I congratulated her before closing the book and opening my lunch box and pushed it between the two of us.

"Here, you'll share this with me." I told her and before she could refuse I had fed her a spoonful. Thank my dad for that trick he always does this whenever mom is about to scold him and we’re at the table eating or we have edible around at the time. A warmth crept onto my cheeks for my behavior and her looking at me with widened eyes before she smiled and started munching on. I was glad my mom wasn't back yet. God knew the kind of scolding I'd get if she knew I hadn't had my lunch yet.

"Thank you Lex." She called and I looked at her pointedly. And she frowned.

"Why are you calling me a girl's name."

"What." She looked confused.

"Lex, its a girls name."

"No its not, Lexi is not Lex."

"Still it sounded like a girl."

"Uuh... What should I call you then."

"Alex is fine."

“ But there are girls who are called Alex too.” She replied confused and I groaned at her comeback and before I could say anything she beat me.

"But I want to call you Lex."

"No."

"No?"

"Yes Kate no."

"People call me Kathy not Kate."

"What's the difference."

"You don’t want me to call you Lex then don’t call me Kate."

"But Kate sounds better."

"Lex sounds better. Are you Alex or Alexander."

"Alexander but not many people call me that."

"Then Xander will do."

"I don’t like..."

"You're being childish and petty." She scolded and I looked at her widening my eyes. She called me childish and petty. I was about to say something but my mom’s laughter had me turning to look at her still not believing I was called childish and petty. me petty?

"Was he really that difficult." She asked but didn’t look at me so I know the question wasn't meant for me. Kate's cheeks flashed once again and I smiled. Which had my mother looking at me with a knowing smile and I frowned at her.

"Alex be a dear and not trouble Katherine. Okay."

"I wasn't troubling her." I defended and she smiled at me and I ducked my head feeling my cheeks warming up. God this is embarrassing.

"Okay, Katherine are you done with the calculations?" mom asked her while she arranged the papers she had come with on a file.

"Yes, Xander helped me out." She called me that name once more.

"Xander?" Mom questioned with a smile on her face. And that smile that was starting to annoy me, I didn't know why, appeared once more on my mother’s face making me groan. Kate ducked her head before shaking it and proceeded to answer my mother.

"Alex I mean." She said apologetically and I groaned once again at my mother. Kate looked so freaked out that I even wanted her to just continue using that name even though it’s annoying.

"Its fine Katherine you can call him however you like." Mom said I guess she noted the change as well.

"If you guys are done there pack up so we can head out." Mom called out and I started packing my lunch box away while Kate arranged her books. I hadn't realized that in the middle of our arguing we had cleared the lunch box and I was glad I wouldn't have to get scolded for that.

Once done we walked out of the classroom followed by mom. Soon she was walking ahead of us as she headed to give back the file in the office leaving us by the door. I hadn’t realized till then that I had Kate’s hand in mine. And probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t caught her looking at the intertwined hands.

"Sorry" I said and went to let go but she held it back.

"Its fine. Thank you by the way." She said with a smile before looking away and I did the same and before l knew it she was pecking my cheek and I also went to peck hers and my mom choose that moment to come back. She cleared her throat and we both let go of each other and looked the other way. Kate had her head ducked and mine to had been but it got up before hers. My cheeks felt hot so did my ears. Thank heavens my mom didn’t say anything but boy was I wrong.

We bid Kate farewell as she headed to another classroom that she had said her friend was in and she was waiting for her. So we left her in there, the classroom that her friend the one she said she was waiting for was in. Classes were already over but seemed like the teacher had kept her friend behind as well.

We walked with my mother all the way and she kept giving me glances that I'd ignored mostly. it wasn’t a long distance but today for some reason it felt way too far. I kept my head ducked most of the time and my mom would giggle every now and then and it made me duck it even more.

"Welcome." A voice called once we were entering the house.

"Thanks honey"

"Thanks dad." Followed as we flowed into the living space. My dad ruffled my hair once I was next to him as he gave my mum a hug. And I wanted to dash to my room but my dad still held me with his one arm that was around me while the other as on my mother. I ducked my head once again. Mom had made it her mission to have my head this way. And I could tell she was about to say something that I wasn’t going to like from the smile she had and the look she kept giving me. I groaned before trying to excuse myself but dad still held on.

"Why are you so cheery while your son is so gloomy what happened. “ Dad asked as he looked from me to mom and I looked at her pointedly as she giggled and I knew what was coming I felt like I’d just crawl under the bed and never come out from underneath it.

"Your face is flashed. " he told me and I couldn't help patting my cheeks.

"Well our son has a girlfriend now."

"What!” Dad asked.

"Mom!" I called feeling quite embarrassed I knew she’d say something I didn’t like but When did I get a girlfriend and Jesus Christ I was only eleven.

"Mom I'm eleven, and plus I don’t know what you’re talking about." I said looking away and I could feel my face flushing. and I heard her giggling once more. if only the ground could open up now.

"wow, I’m... well..." Dad stammered and I didn’t even raise my face to look at him. I really felt like I could die of embarrassment.

"Yeah right I was just teasing our son so don’t turn to a stuttering mess on me." She gave her pointedly glare at my dad and I sighed before rushing out of the room and I could here her giggle as my dad started asking for details. Oh my God that was embarrassing I thought before closing my bedroom door and falling onto my bed replaying the whole scene over. That was embarrassing. I groaned once more as I shut my eyes feeling quite embarrassed but I couldn’t help the smile that followed after I recalled her face. I couldn’t wait to see her again.

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