SHATTERED HEARTS

14 - Scarlett

Scarlett's POV

I groaned once again feeling even more furious than a while ago when I had woken up. I hate morning and I do so hate anyone who tries to get me up early in the morning especially for me to end up feeling wasted. Once again my fruits had bared the same results, Alex Argh! thinking about him is just riling me up even the more. I decided to leave that be for now and focus on my next place that I needed to be heading to.

I made my way to the familiar building I had come to get accustomed to over the past two years. My God why did I even ever want to pursue further studies. I groaned once again dreading every bit of minute that was to follow. I dreaded school with every bit I had. Its torturous. Why would anyone want this life, oh I know to get a career that’s supposed to guarantee you a nice future. A career which if I may add one may never get to pursue.

Really pathetic yet here I am, rushing up the corridors trying to organize my thesis papers which I'm supposed to be submitting in the next ten or so minutes and after which If it gets approved I get to sit my ass down in front of a computer and work through typing it all over before submitting online. Too much work, I mean like what does the professor think making this demands when they're not going to add onto my credit score just getting to tire us out. I mean we're not idle. Does he know some of us have to clock in to work after classes, Argh! I hate it not because I have trouble with school work but because I do have trouble with school work overworking my nerves every now and then. Crazy...

"Argh! Can you watch where you’re going." I hiss as I bend down to pick my papers which this jack ass sent flying all over the floor now I have to rearrange that all over again. Which I don’t have time to do.

"Sorry." A deep voice says as a shadow appears before me as this guy bends over and starts collecting some of my papers.

"Yeah, that’s not gonna cut it out." I'm not in the mood for this, nor do I got the time.

"Still sorry. Here." I pick up the papers being handed to me and start walking past him.

"Scarlett." I hear my name being called by the same deep voice but I really don’t have time for chit chat right now, not that I'm good at it anyway. I don’t think I know him and I’m of about to find out how he knows me. Nope. Got zero energy for that and its too damn early and I haven’t had my coffee. So not interested. I reason in my mind trying to put the papers in their order from the first to the last.

"Look dude I don’t know you and I don’t care to I'm in a hurry so yeah." I wave before turning away from the guy I hadn't even glanced at because I was busy arranging the papers he rudely scattered and he's way to tall so I just prefer not to tire myself out checking him. And well he might end up doing me some damage if I did that or try to intimidate me. Had experienced it couple of times so no thank you.

"Your snaky mouth is still as it was back then, you know you gotta change that sometime." The guy spoke again, who does he think he is. Yeah I know I gotta problem with being friendly I've been told countless of times, it also got me into real s**t back then but who does he think he is to tell me I need to change.

"Look I don’t give two shits who you think you are to have a state in my life but f**k off, I'm not in the mood." With that I turn and rush of to the class before the professor gives me an ear off for being late during presentations, yeah the down side of having a class of sixteen students in campus while other batches have over one hundred students.

Luckily I make it in time and sit somewhere by the middle and I can't wait for this to be over. Maybe it wasn’t the real reason I ran away. I didn’t really like school and although my grades were excellent I’d do anything to get myself to slack off a few minutes just because I knew come the exams and projects I’d excel only to rub it into the face of the professor who tried to as much as ridicule me like they did on my freshman year.

They finally gave up an let it be.

At the back of my mind I knew why I ran, even two years later its an aftermath of what they subjected my in that high school. After that comeback I just made the next thing would have always been being shoved against the wall or the lockers and then a hit may follow, teaching me a lesson they said. This thought sent a bitter taste in my mouth and I shuddered as the thoughts threatened to consume but I pushed them back, I’d only add to my not so good mood, not worth it. I faced back at the front of the class where the there was a girl who had just finished presenting her cause, she was now going through the papers with the professor and he’d collect her where he thought necessarily as the next person prepared. I sighed wishing for this to be already over. Damn school.

*****

I don’t like school at all, I'll probably keep repeating this sentence over and over today. Not my fault though all I could think about was this. Especially after waking up early for the morning classes for two consecutive days, torture.

Before I had a good reason to hate school and well I believe I still have now as well. Initially I hated school because anytime I thought about school I thought about those stupid kids who thought my life wasn't hard as it was and they had to go and make it even harder. The bullying which went on since I can remember was my number one reason to hating school. Now I just hate the overwork. The more studies we have, which I believe don’t add up to anything in my life. I mean I'm basically struggling like this to secure a future, a future that does not have a guarantee I'll have, I could die tomorrow you know, or end up doing something totally different from whatever it is I'm here getting overworked for.

The dynamics of life really suck, its like we're born with the soul purpose of growing up, struggle for a future that doesn't have a guarantee and in the end of it all, probably procreate others who follow the same routine and then end up dying still. Puppets if you ask me but hey, I'm a bitter person who the world has never been kind to only on rare occasions and in those occasions it always ended up badly, so my opinion really doesn't count, I'm angry and biased, don’t have anyone to direct my anger to so its all over the place. But now you know why I hate school. In my opinion Authentic reasons.

I can't say I don’t enjoy being angry, it keeps people away, my snaky mouth as people call it, keeps everyone aside and then I can protect my heart from the hurt that people can cause you. But really its a build up over the ages, people always made me feel like I can't protect myself since I'm tiny and well my mouth just had to be the filling part. And I can say I'm enjoying the fruits.

I don’t want anybody in my circle. I prefer to enjoy the space all to myself. That's the bitter me saying. The other tiny part of me that’s yet to completely become bitter I say a zero point five percent doesn't want to build up on a friendship only for it to crumble in the end, just like Katherine and well of cause there was Trevor who was very much Katherine's friend not mine but we had bonded overtime if you call him picking on me every damn time and me cursing him bonding yeah we had that going on. And well Katherine is a whole different issue.

I tore things apart but I'm not the only one to blame, she kept such a thing from me, such a huge secret and she decided I'm not even close to... I mean we were practically sisters and she couldn't even confide in me then she decided her only way out was to kill herself. And I had to watch her fading, that was very cruel of her yet she didn’t see that as a big deal the only thing she thought of was how I had judged her and for that she just disappeared, didn’t even try once to keep in touch. I admit I was wrong for judging but whatever she did hurt me. I didn’t matter more than her grief, yes I know I'm a bad friend for thinking of me first before the wellness of my friend but I was hurt. And the hurt is still speaking and I hate that I still care about her and I can't go a day without asking myself where she disappeared to. Pathetic. Three years, three years and not even a letter to say where she was, I thought her mulling time should be over. But guess not. Well Katherine is my problem but really not.

Alex has me all cranky, I know I'm always cranky but this is the extra cranky version of me. He's at one of his moody months where he does the lock up thing from the world, all because he's mulling over some girl that he hurt in the past, I mean ever since I met him three years ago I haven’t seen this girl so he hurt her before and we all love and in the process of loving we get heartbroken or we do the heartbreaking but we have to get over it after sometime. Its been more than three years if I guess correctly yet he isn't over it. But now its way worse, over the years I've seen this version of him but this one is worse. He's no longer living. Yes he hasn't locked his door he at least he let's us in but he won't eat won't talk won't leave his room hasn't shaved in weeks eyes blood shot. He has thinned out over the years now he's almost skinny but he hasn't gotten there yet but since I met him I can tell he's lost lots of pounds.

And I'm back to the predicament I was in three years ago. How do you help someone who doesn't want to be helped or won't tell you at the very least what's troubling them, how? I'd be happy if I got any pointers. He keeps saying he's a monster whenever he talks and we shouldn't care about him, that his mother must be rolling in her grave due to his sins but no matter how hard his dad and I have tried to have him say at least what he did he won't say, says he has to confess to her first, its really frustrating and I've countless of times felt the need to strangle him. We have assured him that nothing he did would make us hate him or see him as a monster but he always has a sinister smile on his face while replying or has a haunted look on his face, eyes wide open staring blankly face contorted as he says. 'No you won't, not when you know what I did, who I hurt.' A statement quite frustrating just as the owner.

Just thinking of him is riling me up, but I'd rather think of that than how Katherine bunked, not even did she turn up to collect her certificate the day of the high school graduation, nor did she even come or send anyone to collect her college papers. She had gotten a sponsorship to pursue a degree in psychology just as she had wanted, but I guess that didn’t matter to her anymore. Left everything behind, she didn’t even try once to communicate with me at least say she was fine so we won't have to keep worrying over her. Selfish.

"Are you in a mood to talk now." That annoying voice from this morning once again interrupted my thoughts.

"Piss off."

"I'd have thought I'd get a better greeting, you know considering everything."

“ Excuse you?”

“You really out to be disturbing me, don’t you have anyone else to disturb and stalk other than me? Not that I care for your answers but can you just leave, leave me alone.” With that I walk way from him and head back to the dormitories hoping my roommate wasn’t around otherwise I could strangle her with this negative emotions flowing off of me. Especially if she had her annoying noisy friend over that would be my undoing. I thought as I sighed and let out a breath trying to calm down which wasn’t working but soon all efforts to were crashed just as first and I could here my panic rising, my breathing increased rapidly as I felt the touch of someone’s hand on my wrist. It wasn’t tight but it held me in place and my heart rate spiked at this.

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