Trying Not to Feel At All

Do you ever wake up and just lay there, thinking about how much you hate your life? Yes, you could always change it but it's more easier said than done. First you have to think about all the people you're connected to and then wonder how that happened, then because for some ridiculous reason God decided to make you a people hating empath, so now you have to consider all these people who for some reason love you and all their feelings if you just packed up and disappeared. Oh yeah, don't forget the whole "needing money for s**t" part of life. That definitely throws an entire box of monkey wrenches in the plan. I'm lying here in my bed, looking around at my shitty life while trying to think of some way to make it better...can't find an answer. I want to travel and see the world but I also want to get off the grid, find a cabin somewhere far from everything and everyone and just be alone! So by now, I would hope everyone has seen the movie Castaway. Well, I'm pretty sure he gets stuck on that island for like 5 years and goes kind of crazy and when he eventually gets back to civilization he has a bit of ptsd or anxiety or something and it takes him time to acclimate back to his normal life. Besides the going crazy and being found part that would be my dream. I would love to get lost and never come back...plus an island would do quite nicely. My name is Sara, I'm 35 years old, I live with my boyfriend and his father, I work as a CNA and if you look at my life from the outside it doesn't seem too bad...but this is not the life I envisioned for myself at all. Obviously, I know none of us ever grow up to live the life we always thought we would, I mean s**t, I wanted to be famous or an archeologist but neither one of those is happening. I know it's cliché, but I feel like a bird stuck in a cage in someone else's house just wishing to be free. I don't want much, just something...more. If you're reading this for some steamy, romantic, 50 shades kind of situation or some oh my God amazing life changing amazingness, or even some insane M. Night Shyamalan twist, then this book or story or whatever it ends up being probably isn't for you. To be honest, it's probably just going to be about my life, ranging all over the place from childhood to now and everything in between and alot of complaining. Don't get me wrong, I've had a good life for the most part. Some great family that still loves me although I'm a giant f**k up and of course other family members who hate me for things they don't understand and would rather throw all their own self-hating bullshit towards me then look into a mirror, but that's a different chapter for later. First sad thing would probably be when I was 10 years old and my mother, the most incredible, beautiful soul on the planet was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her name was Lynda and anyone who met her immediately fell in love with her, probably because she was really an angel sent down to observe us pathetic humans. She was perfect and anyone you ask will say the same thing. Within 2 years, the cancer had spread through her entire body and she died shortly after her 34th birthday. I was 12 years old and to lose your mom is one thing but to lose her at a point when it's really important for a young girl to have her mom was devastating. I shut down that day. Of course, I kept up appearances and acted like how I was supposed to. I just wasn't able to cry, especially in a house full of people all waiting for you to break down so they can be the one to "save" you. We had her in hospice care so her bed was in the living room where everyone was gathered around the body that used to be my mom. I finally freaked out when my family was trying to get me to hold her hand and when I tried, it felt wrong. Like still kind of warm but slowly getting colder and I knew that she wasn't there anymore. My parents were separated at the time but my mom was the love of my dad's life so when he came bursting into the house and threw himself on her body, crying and begging for her to come back, that was something I couldn't watch, because a love like their's was rare and beautiful, and something I wasn't ready to see. I took that opportunity to sneak away from my overbearing family. I ran outside and climbed as high as I could in the willow tree on our side yard where no one could find me and finally cried. I begged for her to come back to me and I cursed God and told him he was horrible and I hated him, but once I calmed down a bit and said goodbye to my mom, the wind blew toward me and I knew it was her. Back to no feelings "robot" mode for me. No one in my family ever really knew me beside my mom, so they couldn't tell that every emotion or anything human I did was all just an act. I got so used to doing it that I honestly don't even know who I am anymore. That's pathetic. I have 2 best friends and they know me more than anyone, but there are still things I hold back from them. Not on purpose, because I know they would understand but it's just a habit at this point. I've gone practically my entire life hiding myself, my heart from the world, because anytime I let it peek out even a little bit, something always destroys it. People say I need to talk and get things out because I'm literally poisoning my body by holding it all in: I've had a perforated ulcer, which they attribute to stress (no s**t Sherlock) and I've been in and out of the hospital for approximately the past 10 years for chronic acute pancreatitis, which they still have no idea how I got it or how my flare ups happen or any answers at all. I've been sick in some form or another my whole life, so I kind of always knew I would probably die young, that a weird thing for a 5 year old to think about. I want to be happy and I want to turn on my broken self but at this point it's been too long I wouldn't know how. Which is why I would rather get away altogether to literally anywhere and just be alone. But, I can't because stupid me has made all these connections with people in my life and stupid empath me would feel some type of way if I just up and disappeared. Why can't people just not like me? Nope, instead I inherited that magical power from my mom. No matter where I go for some reason people love me...ugh why? Seriously, it makes no sense, it's like people are weirdly drawn to me and I don't know if I like it or not. I'm still in shut off mode, I feel like I always will be...which is why I always just watch TV and movies. Not only do I love them (and I have incredible taste), but it's probably the only way to get me to show part of the real me. I'm not lonely, I never am and I feel like that's probably a problem too. I also pray and hope for some kind of apocalypse, so again, I can be alone. Yeah, again weird, I know. Maybe throughout this book someone might get to know the real me...but then again, maybe not.