My last suicide attempt

33

Silence wandered between us as his crestfallen face looked deep in thought. I daren't not have disturbed him, for he looked away quickly, his hands brushing his cheeks. I wondered if he was crying, but again, it was one of those things I didn't dare myself to speak up about. Maybe he had no hope of getting us out of here. Maybe he wasn't as doubtless as he acted up to be. I didn't blame him.

My heart sank.

The temperature was getting much, much colder. I shivered uncontrollably under the thick duvets. As I closed my eyes - for I could only succumb into sleep sooner or later - I tried to imagine Xian lying with me, arms wrapped tightly around me, protecting me from all the Michealgers of the outside world, just like he'd promised. I tried, but I couldn't bring myself to think of him without my eyes stinging with tears, despite my closed eyes. Eventually, a shadow swirled around my mind, enveloping me into my sub-conscious once more.

"Avni... Avni, wake up."

Dreamless.

That's all it was to me. My sub-conscious used to be the one place I would gladly give in to, but now it was meaningless. Though I thought maybe a dreamless sleep would have been better considering the situation I was in, it wasn't. All I wanted was to dream. I could do anything there, in my sleep. Dream of home; of my mother; of... Xian. I could dream I was going back to them all, and it was all going to be okay.

But nothing.

Nothing but dark, swirling shadows, a low, deep concrete emotion of misery lingering throughout my entire body and mind.

So when I opened my eyes to Madame glancing down at me at my bedside, his breath white and twisting in the frozen air around us, my entire body felt instantly weakened instead of refreshed. Nothing had changed, besides the fact it was even colder now than it ever had been before. In my experience, anyway.

"You feeling alright?" Madame grumbled quietly.

I just shot him a pointed look - did he honestly expect me to answer that question?

When I didn't answer after moments of dragging on, he walked away, rummaging inside a bag. Still shivering down to the bone, I sat up, eyes wandering around the darkened, black and white bedroom. Vistoc was still sat in the same position as he had been in the chair before I had fallen asleep, except his head was lolling back, his eyes closed.

"I got you all the things you need for today," Madame said quietly, "Water, food, clean clothes, MORE clothes... I think you should be fine."

I nodded as thanks, and he smiled back. But as he began to read the label on the water bottle curiously, a dreading feeling overcame inside me.

"What about you two? When was the last time you fed?" I whispered. As I said this, another chill ran up my spine. I knew better than to blame it on the icy temperature.

"Yesterday," He said glumly. "But that's not today's discussion. We need to get practising. Come with me." Madame gestured with his hand for me to follow him, and so I did, grabbing a large hoody - presumably Vistoc's - on my way out of the bedroom and slipping it on as he led me down the stairs. As we walked past the front door, I noticed the door was barricaded with several tables and chairs, plus the bolts were pulled into place.

"Why are we...?"

"Barguests came around during the night," Madame said. Alas, we reached a room I'd never been in before. A large table was pushed up against the wall, the chairs stacked into piles of six alongside it. There were a few lamps that were lit - not like it made any difference. I felt like I was in an old black ad white (literally...) film; vampires, a big, somewhat old-fashioned house, black and white world...

It was all here, and all clear.

Madame and I stood in the centre of the room face-to-face, his blue eyes soft, his blonde hair flailed messily on top of his head.

"Begin by breathing slowly and as deep as you can," He said. "And as you start to feel dizzy, close your eyes and don't stop breathing heavily."

It felt like I was getting pins and needles on my eyes; my vision was fading as I breathed as deeply as I could for about five minutes. I closed my eyes, doing as Madame told me to.

"Count down from ten in your mind."

Ten.

"Slowly, empty your mind..."

Nine.

"Clear your thoughts..."

Eight.

Seven. I felt two hands touch both of my arms. My attentions shot up, out of the dizziness.

"Don't stop now, you're doing really well," Vistoc's voice sounded.

Six.

"Think of being at home..."

Five. Four.

"With Xian..."

Three. Two.

"Alone."

One.

The ground fell from beneath me, but unlike last time, my entire body burned. I panicked, but my eyes were glued shut. My breathing came in short, shallow gasps, and I mustered up all that I could to scream. I couldn't feel their hands on my arms; I could feel nothing but fire burning my flesh, heating my insides.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

"NO!" He screamed.

The day had arrived, the time had come, and they had descended upon the love-struck pair with gruesome presents, baring their sharp teeth. Their skin was mangled, somewhat translucent and stretched. Despite their eyes being sewn shut, these creatures were not blind. Their claws grew painfully from the end of their fingers as fingernails, digging into her back, her blonde hair soaking in the blood that coaxed her back.

"NO! Please! Anything, I'll do anything! Don't take her!" He shouted. Two of the creatures held him solidly in place, hissing and snarling in an ancient tongue in his direction. The other three were clawing and biting her in front of his very eyes - killing her slowly. They began to edge towards the vortex - or at least, the area he thought it was in - and he knew that the second the portal swallowed them up, he would never see her again. Never hold her. Never touch her. Never again.

"TAKE ME!" He shouted louder, trying to release himself from the two's grip, and failing. He was partly grateful they had turned her around so that her back was to him, so that he wouldn't see the pained expression on her face. They both knew it was his fault; they both knew the curse had brought them here.

The Others.

"You shall never love again!" One of them spat. He knew they were talking in Latin; but Latin was his first language, English being his second. The words flowed Rabifully out of the creature's mouth, scolding and scarring him forever.

It dawned on him then that The Others were in fact on the witches side. If they were not, why would they do such a thing to cause such harm to him?

Was this a betrayal by those whom were supposed to be neutral?

"The harryson’s were a filthy race! We are most happy that you went out of your way to wipe out your own scum of a family for us."

That made him angrier. Heat began to fill his body, rage exploding from within him as he snarled and struggled in the clutches of traitors. But he could do nothing; he knew the vamperic race was obliged to do as The Others ordered. Always. Forever.

"You are ten times as bad as all of them put together, Stich," One of them continued with a hiss. The three of them dropped the girl, and she fell to the floor, limp and possibly already dead. The rage inside of him was overcome by the wave of sadness and pain; before he could control himself thick tears were streaming down his face.

He looked at The Others - the very sole reason why his lover, his maker's carcass was lying upon the grass, blood seeping from the wounds thrashed into her back and throat. His eyes widened, and his pain was subsided - fear washing throughout him as he witness the stitched eyes of the creatures slowly rip open, revealing glowing crimson eyes. The eyes of traitors - all staring smugly back at him. Never before had their eyes been open; it was believed that their eyes were stitched shut so that their creator could believe they would eternally be resting. It was only then that he realised that not only had their eyes become unstitched - but their eyelids were gone.

It wasn't the "thread" that had ripped open; their eyelids had ripped off.

He began to gag, doubling over as the two creatures dropped him, joining the other three.

They were not resting for eternity anymore - they were awake for forever. Never resting. Never gaining peace. Never able to escape the war zone they had built upon themselves.

"You did this to us, harryson" One of them hissed, the sound similar to that of a snake. "You awoke us, and you will pay..."

He fell to his knees, their words hitting home. They all had all of eternity to live; he had to do what they wanted, for they were in command of the vamperic race. He couldn't disobey them.

He stared straight ahead at the limp body of the only girl he had love; the girl he had broken all the rules for; the girl he had lost. His maker and lover - gone. The five figures stood over her, their crimson eyes alight as they glared down at him. He didn't look up at them again; instead, he stared at the back of her naked body, bloody, mauled and ruined. Just hours ago, he had explored that very body, the very body that lay motionless, nothing but a carcass just a few hundred yards away.

A few strands of her blonde hair blew gently in the breeze as one of The Others swooped down to pick her up, the rest of them descending into the vortex.

- - - - - - - - - - -

"Avni!"

My eyes opened instantly, and I shot up in the bed, my heart beating quickly, hammering against my ribcage. Tears streamed down my cheeks, sweat matting my hair to the back of my neck as I breathed heavily.

I thought those dreams were over.

Xian and I linked minds so long ago. Why were they coming back?

The Others.

The horrid, mauled creatures I had envisioned from a first-person perspective during the weak that Xian was gone were the Others. I had never seen their faces; their thick hoods shadowed their faces, only revealing their red eyes. The eyes that should have been sewn shut, but indeed were not.

They had betrayed Xian before... But he had to do whatever they wanted him to, because they were in control of the entire vamperic race.

So many questions shot through my mind - but they would never get answered. I knew that.

As Vistoc pulled me into a tight hug, I was tricked for a moment into believing we were home. Into believing that the emotional and physical pain I had just experienced (and seen, for that matter) had brought us home.

How very wrong I was.

I was sat in the middle of the black and white dining room, the air crisp, the atmosphere haunted with a cold chill lingering. Madame was lying next to me, staring up at the ceiling, eyes wide, breathing deeply. Vistoc was mumbling something to himself, still hugging me close.

"Are you okay?" Madame murmured, his eyes sliding to me.

Silently, I nodded. Just a simple nod made my heart beat faster and my throat feel lumpy; it was possibly the biggest lie I had ever told. I was nowhere near okay. I probably never would be after witnessing such a disturbing scene - a girl being torn and mauled, Xian unable to do a thing. The "awakening" of the Others.

To think he had experienced that... to think he had seen that first-hand... it made me sick, and it made me yearn to be home even more. I wanted to tell him all about it, I wanted to tell him he didn't have to face eternity alone. Never again would he go through something like that again. Because I'd be by his side, fighting until the end to rid us all of the Others - creatures so vile, so disgusting that they made me flinch at the very thought of them. How could they - those whom were supposed to be neutral throughout all the dimensions and limbos - betray someone like Xian? And all because of an ancient curse set upon his family because of his father.

In the end, they had sided with the witches who had cursed Xian. They wanted him to suffer, they wanted to see him in pain.

They never betrayed us, because they were never on our side. They were never neutral.

"What did you see?" Vistoc asked, pushing me away at arms length and watching me, his eyes narrowed suspiciously. The look in his eye told me not to lie.

And so I didn't.

Madame went and lit the fire in the front room, and the three of us sat on the floor in front of it, the two vampires listening intently as I told them the entire vision - with detail. They both flinched every now and then, but as I continued on, their eyes slowly began to glint with rage so fierce, I was beginning to be slightly scared of being in their presence.

Despite being in a Ghost Plane, unable to get home, I couldn't help but find the scene rather cosy as we sat by the fire, exchanging ideas and theories, my tale of the vision long behind us. Madame had brought down the bags of unpaid-for shopping and was in the kitchen making me a hot chocolate after passing me the warm duvet belonging to Xian's bed. My eyes felt funny, always looking at things that were black and white.

"The vision you had," Vistoc said as I brought the duvet around my shoulders. He was sat close to me as we leaned against the coffee table behind us. "Although it was disturbing for you to see, I'm sure, but you do not understand how useful you can be now that you know the most haunting scene of Xian's past. You must understand, Avni, to us Xian was never a sensitive or caring person. He was back then. What the Others did to him, it changed his ways. I was not around to see such a thing, but Madame was. It was Madame, Xian and... and her at the time. Like the three musketeers."

When Vistoc laughed once, I noticed it was flat. He stared at the roaring fire, the flames bursting different shades of grey.

"What was her name?" I asked.

Vistoc shook his head. "I don't know." By the way he refused to look at me and the way he fidgeted, I could tell he was lying. Instead of jumping down his throat about it, I had begun to understand that even though I was opening up to their world, it didn't mean their world was going to open up to me. There were a lot of things they couldn't tell me right now, but that only meant they were delaying the information for another day. Maybe one day they'd tell me all the things they couldn't right now or maybe they wouldn't - either way, there would always be at least one thing they couldn't tell me.

"It's okay," I said. "I understand that you can't tell me..."

He nodded, appreciating this. Madame came into the room, setting the mug of hot chocolate on the table behind us before saying he was going to go keep look-out from the upstairs window for Barguests and other unwanted visitors, leaving Vistoc and I alone once more. I snuggled down into the blanket, shivering slightly as the grey sky outside began to get darker again.

The days seemed to go quicker here than they did at home, which was something neither one of the vampires had mentioned when we got here.

"How often must vampires feed?" I asked.

There was a long pause, and out of the corner of my eye I could see Vistoc beginning to squirm, seemingly uncomfortable. Finally, he answered; "Daily."

I didn't say anything. They hadn't fed today - there was nobody to feed off of. Clearly, Barguests, although being animals, were hard to catch. Especially when they'd kill the vampires first.

"But we'll be okay," He said quickly. "It won't be long before we're home again, so it won't matter, right?"

There wasn't much point asking me the 'right?' question. I had no idea, but I had lost count of all the doubts I were having about getting home. We'd been gone for a day, and I was already homesick. As I sighed with despair, Vistoc put his arm around me and pulled me close to him. I rested my head on his shoulder as we stared at the grey fire bursting in the fireplace in front of us.

"It's going to be okay, love," He murmured. "We'll be home soon."

"He's lying!" My voice hissed. "We're never going home, princess."

The word 'princess' echoed in my head over and over. My heart gave a painful kick as I realised that there was a fair chance I'd never hear Xian call me that again. I'd admitted in the past that I secretly liked his devious, cocky ways... But now I was already missing them, despite only having been gone for a twenty four hours.

...No...

I was missing him.

* * * * * * * * * *

(A/N: I'd like to state that this is two days later from Avni's first day...)

Dusk brushed across the horizon over the deep forest on which I could see from my bedroom window; the moon was already out, shining against the pinky-orange fading skies. Silence filled the entire house and forest; not a word had been spoken since the earthquake. The very first earthquake Southampton had ever experienced; it told me Madame, Vistoc and Avni had jumped planes. The only reason why I knew it was the Ghost Plane, was because if one is forced to entire that limbo, their bodies still intact with their soul, the force is so heavy it leaves only a shake of the ground in its wake.

In this case, an earthquake that managed to strike from the New Forest all the way to Southampton - quite a distance for an earthquake.

Three whole days they had been gone, embedded into the Ghost Plane forcefully. I didn't know why, but I had a pretty good idea who was behind it. But even then, it wasn't as if I could order a tracker like Jackson out again. Tessa and olly were too busy mourning for the three friends they had lost, the King was under secret protection - not even I could find out his location. The Council were busy ensuring the King had all the protection he could get. Erica and the rogues were too busy making my life hell by taking away three important people away from me.

I was all alone, once again.

I wasn't sure for certain that they were dead, but it was a wild guess. Being in the Ghost Plane with your soul and body intact could never be a good thing. It only took a few days for them to become embedded forever into the Ghost Plane, meaning from then on their only escape was the start of oblivion. Whether that was oblivion in peace or oblivion in the Dimension of the Damned, I didn't know.

I didn't mourn. I didn't cry. I didn't comfort the two girls sat in the living room, crying their dead hearts out over the two vampires they'd befriended for over a century, and Avni.

Avni...

I might not have mourned or cried, but knowing I'd never see her again sent a sinking feeling throughout my body. Knowing I'd never see two of the closest people to me made rage burst through me, and it made me want to kill or be killed. For the past day I had speculated on the possibilities of their escape; but even I knew that if you're FORCED into the Ghost Plane... there's a slim chance you're going to come back.

Two best friends, and a girl who... who...

I didn't even know how to finish that sentence.

Three more people who I had lost. For once, I thought it was going to be okay. For the first time in my entire life, human life included, I thought I had friends that would stick around. Although it wasn't their fault they were practically dead, they had still left. I should have learned my lesson the first time around... THEY weren't going to stop until I was totally, utterly alone and begging for death.

The Others wouldn't stop until I was tortured to their liking, and there was nothing I could do about it. There was no way to get a hold of the Triad - the only real creatures who could put a stop to this whole charade. Including my curse.

I had nothing.

I turned and walked away from my bedroom window, out of my bedroom and down the stairs. I headed out the back door, ignoring the shouts sounding from the girls, ordering me to come back. I ran, and I ran fast.

"As always, you're running away from the situation," my voice sneered. "Very sensible, very brave. Well done, you are a true vampire."

I stopped stiff in my tracks. That voice had used the exact same tone of sarcasm that Avni often used towards me. It was as if hearing that tone opened up a gaping hole inside of me; something was missing. Something wasn't here and it should be. I missed my friends, and desperately, but I couldn't say I missed Avni.

That would be an understatement.

I continued on, overcoming the sudden shock of hearing that tone. The tone that only Avni could use...

_______________________________________

Death Cab For Cutie - What Sarah Said.

_______________________________________

It wasn't long before my old house was in sight through the trees. Same as always, it was still white with a slight muddy stain from being so deep in the forest. The doors were still closed. The house was still empty and haunted. Sure enough, a thin layer of dried blood still coated the large window round the back of the large house, stained from the inside. This was the home to tortured memories and tainted souls, now. The white-stone gravel crunched under my feet as I strode up to the front door, shoving it open forcefully. I flitted from the front door to the first floor landing. From there, I turned right and walked to the end of the corridor, turning left and going to the end of that corridor, where the double doors stood waiting to be opened.

Truth be told, a part of me was regretting coming back to this place. This was the first time I'd come back here... alone.

I entered the ball room reluctantly. I was stood on the upper balcony - the exact same spot George and I had stood in on the night my worst fears came true, and I lost control of myself. The golden banister was still shining brightly, clean and reflecting the dim light I had turned off, which was shining from the chandelier above me. The marble floors also had reflections, but only of the empty room. I walked forward and leaned on the balcony's banister, my eyes wandering around the room.

My thoughts were in two places; the night I lost control, and the first time I brought Avni here little over a week ago. We'd had fun up until things got serious. If I could rewind time, I would. If I could rewind it to that moment, the moment we were Michealcing to the silent music in this very room, I would. Just to do things differently.

But I'm not magic, I'm not the one who can turn back time. She is. But she's not here. She's never coming back, and it was high time I accepted that. The same went for Vistoc and Madame; we'd never share another hunting trip, never venture out to a strip club to entertain ourselves. I'd never see them again.

Two best friends and a girl who.... What? I wracked my brains. I had to finish that sentence. I had to.

"Admit it," My voice hissed. "Say it. Say the end of the sentence."

Two best friends and a girl who had become everything to me in the space of two months...

And she'd never know, because I'd never tell her, even if I could.

* * * * * * * * * *

"Are you sure? We don't have to do this, Avni." Madame said nervously.

The two vampires had gone three days without blood, and were like druggies needing a fix. Vistoc was flitting around the house, and when I asked him why, he said it was to keep himself occupied. We hadn't left the house because Barguests had surrounded the house yesterday around midday, and hadn't left since. Madame just sat at Xian's desk, staring out the window, eye glazed, hands shaking. I'd never seen a blood-thirsty vampire, and now that I had, I wanted to make it stop, so I'd offered my own blood.

They weren't biting me. Madame had a medical kit which he'd stolen, and was tying an elastic tube tightly around my arm, just above my elbow to cut the blood flow. When I nodded, he sighed and reached into the box for a syringe, while Vistoc held an empty water bottle next to him. It was disgusting, but I told myself it was just like getting a blood test... and several of them in a row.

Four syringes, a headache and a dragging slurping noise later, I was lying on Xian's bed alone in his bedroom, staring up at the ceiling, still pondering with my thoughts. I had paced the room for an hour, and after that hour, I glanced out the window, sighing a sigh of deep relief as I saw an empty driveway.

"The Barguests are a mile south, we're all good," Madame announced cheerfully, barging into the bedroom. Vistoc followed him, talking quickly and probably to himself as he nodded.

"Feeling better?" I mumbled.

"We could ask you the same. But yes, we are. Thank you." Madame ruffled my hair, grinning at me. "We appreciate it, don't we, braniac?"

"Yes," Vistoc agreed. His happy expression faltered, turning into a grim one. "We should really begin practising again, you know. This," - he gestured to his black and white arm, - "really is not a comforting to look at all day. I don't like it. I don't even know what it means... But I've got a good idea. We're colourful, alive people in a black and white, dead world. We're turning black and white..."

"I can pretty much guess what will happen if we continue to turn black and white." I said quietly, averting my eyes away, down to the floor. My hair fell over my face, hiding my grim expression too. My hair was a light shade of grey - the only thing that was black and white on me. Madame's chin down to his waist was black and white, including his arms. He was turning faster than any three of us, which was scary.

"Now kiddies, now negative thinking!" Madame demanded. "We're gonna really do it this time. We'll get there, we're so close. So close, in fact, I can TASTE it. Just that little closer, and we'll be home. We just have to keep trying."

Wishing I could have the same enthusiasm as Madame, I grumbled in agreement and followed Vistoc towards the door. Something outside the window, however, caught my attention, and I ran to it. There, on the street, a woman was stumbling around in the field opposite the house, her back to us. Her hand was extended at her side a little, as if she were holding somebody's hand.

"Someone's outside..." I whispered.

"What are you-?"

"SOMEONE'S OUTSIDE!" I screamed, turning and running from the bedroom. I ran as fast as I could down the corridor, down the stairs and to the front door, ignoring Madame and Vistoc shouting at me not to go outside. I didn't even know what I was doing; just because someone else was here, it didn't mean they could help. It only meant someone else in the world had died. But a part of me was overjoyed at new company, thinking that somehow the new person could help us.

I wrenched open the front door, rushing out towards the end of the driveway. She was too far away for me to catch up with her, so I shouted.