My last suicide attempt

55

They were gone, leaving me alone with Xian in the dead silence with nothing but the dust motes surrounding us, and a flooding light beginning to make the horizon glow.

I intertwined my fingers together and stared down blankly at them. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Xian staring up at the ceiling.

I cleared my throat. "Thanks... for the, um... rose."

He nodded, and that was that. I looked at him, my eyebrows raised.

"What do I have to do today?" I asked, exasperated. The rebound of the night of sleep I missed last night was arriving; my back felt sore, my limbs stiff and my eyes heavy. I leaned back on the sofa, my voice reminding me his arm was right behind me, but I didn't care. I could curl into it... I would, but my pride was on a high. Emotions were weak; don't trust anyone, you don't get hurt. If he knew my barriers were down for even seconds, Xian would probably jump at the chance to taunt me.

"Stay safe, don't die..." Xian chuckled to himself. I glared at him, but he winked back, his rage seemingly gone. "You know, the usual."

"Yeah, the usual." I murmured, yawning.

"You realise that today's going to be a long day, don't you?"

"I do now."

"We've got searching to do, meetings to attend to and people to persuade," Xian sighed. "I don't think we can do it without you... and we need you well-rested and paying full attention. You need to sleep, princess, and you need to sleep now."

I yawned. "Yeah, well like you said, we've got work to-"

I was cut off, because I was in his arms once again. The feeling was becoming only too familiar nowadays - he often swept me off my feet.

"I said now." He muttered in a demanding tone. I was silenced - the only person to ever silence Avneet Jackson was a bloodsucking monster who knew just how to crush a girl's feelings, but raise her heart up high where she can't reach it. He knew how to get the adrenaline pumping in my body, and he knew how to boil up that hate. He knew how to make me smile at the thought of him, and he knew just how to piss me off.

He was the guy I had dreamed of while being the guy I hated so much.

He flitted up the stairs, and I had a dizzy overwhelming feeling swirl around me. A sickness, if you will. I recognised his room again; the same black sheets, the four-poster bed, the large desk, and the biggest window I've ever seen...

He set me down on the floor, and looked at me pointedly.

"You gonna sleep in your Muse shirt and ruin it?" He raised his eyebrows.

He had a decent point.

The Muse shirt wasn't about to be ruined, but I'd ruin it if it meant I didn't have to take my clothes off in front of him.

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do." I murmured, stumbling over to his bed. I yawned heavily, and fumbled with the complicated sheets before Xian sighed and pulled them back for me. I lay down on the bed, and he threw the sheets carelessly over me with a smirk.

"I hate you, like, so much." I murmured.

"I know."

"But I like you sometimes."

"I know." I could hear the smirk in his voice, despite my eyes being closed.

"I don't want you to go." It was true. I didn't want to be on my own, as if his presence actually meant something to me. As if by him being here, I was safe from the outside world, when I knew I wasn't, but at least it was nice to pretend for a little while. And he allowed me to pretend; he soothed the headache that was forever present. I didn't know what to make of that, and I'd probably never know what he would make of that. I'd never utter a single word to anybody; I'd never tell them how worked up he could get me, and how relieved he could make me. The aspirin to my headache, and also the cause...

He didn't respond, and the room plunged into silence.

I heard his footsteps, and the scraping of a chair sliding across a wooden floorboard. I turned onto my side, facing the window as I opened my eyes. He was sat on the chair at the desk, his black guitar lying across his lap carelessly, his fingers gliding across the strings absently as he plucked random chords, the music softly filling in the spaces where we should be talking.

"I won't." he murmured softly.

"Can you get me a drink?"

"Don't push it, princess." He chuckled.

I sighed. "I'll die of dehydration, and my blood will be on your hands."

"If your blood was on my hands, I'd just lick it off."

"That's gross!" I moaned, my eyes still closed but a large smile on my lips.

"Princess?"

"What?"

I felt the tingling icy cold breeze of his breath on my cheek, sending shivers up my spine, making goose-bumps rise on my neck. It was the typical ticklish feeling that would usually get me laughing my face off for hours, probably, but I couldn't find the courage to laugh. I didn't want to open my eyes, as if I were scared of seeing him so close.

"Shut up, or I'll force you asleep."

"How're you gonna do that?" I muttered groggily.

"I have my ways, princess. I have my ways." I felt his finger slide down my jawbone, and I gnawed the inside of my cheek to stop myself from giggling hysterically. I bet that even if I didn't hold back the laughter, it probably wouldn't come anyway. His finger got to my chin, and his icy touch was gone.

"I-"

"Seriously. Shut your trap, princess." He chuckled.

And so I did. My trap was shut.

Maybe so was his; trapping me forever in his hold, within his reach, within his teasing range. Trapping me forever in his mind games...

Because we had forever.

Once again, the only person to have ever silenced me, Avneet Jackson, was a monster, a bloodsucker, a charmer...

Xian Harryson.

+ + +

The wind whipped around the air surrounding me, tingling the tips of my fingers to the inner core of my chest as I inhaled deeply. Strands of my own hair tickled the skin on my neck, and I began to let out a slight giggle from my lips. My eyes opened on their own accord, revealing that I was staring up at the white-wash ceiling. My thoughts were swishing around my mind like a hurricane; the last groggy things I had said to myself before I fell asleep.

"But it's not like you regret them." My voice stated.

Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

No...

I found myself not regretting them. Not regretting saying that Xian was everything I loved and everything I hated. You don't live to regret; you live to make mistakes so you can learn from them. Regrets are just like heaps of depression.

Maybe saying that he was everything I loved and everything I hated was a mistake, but not a regret. Big difference...

"You can't shut up, can you?" A voice said, somewhat amused. I sat up in the bed to see Xian slowly walking towards me doing up the belt on his black suit trousers. His white shirt was un-tucked, and his tie lay loose around his shoulders. He made a simple task of putting on a suit look difficult.

"What are you talking about?" I murmured, swinging my legs off the bed and standing up, holding the bedside table for support. He snickered at me, while I just glared in his direction.

Never. Utter. A. Word...

"You talk in your sleep princess," He laughed. My heart lurched; I hadn't dreamed, it had just been everything in my mind in pictures.

"What did I say?" Even I detected the tone of worry, so no doubt he did.

He shook his head with mock disapproval, a smile so evil and sinister on his lips, I wanted to shiver. I wanted to, but I didn't. I'd seen that smile too many times.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" His tone was - dare I say it - deeply seductive, his emerald eyes flashing with evilness. "On another note, hurry up and get dressed. We've got a lot to do - it's ten o'clock already and we're behind on time."

I nodded, understanding I was the cause of the lessening of time. It took me five whole steps forward to realise he told me to get dressed - when I already was. I looked up at Xian questioningly as he tucked his shirt into his trousers, and he shook his head with a sigh, as if to say, 'You should know better.'

"You don't think I'm letting you go to a council meeting like THAT, do you?" He said, shooting my clothes a dirty look. I guess it was rather silly of me to think that; after all, I did just go to sleep for about five hours in them. But still... I had nothing else to wear.

Right?

"Wrong again." My voice taunted.

Xian cleared his throat, snapping me back into reality. I blinked, looking up at him with my eyebrows raised. He smirked, and turned around. He plunged his arm into his darkened wardrobe, and pulled out a deep red dress. It was the colour of blood, but just a tone darker.

It was... beautiful.

The dress was quite long, probably going down to my knees or just above. The fabric looked as if it was made out of silk; but I knew that was the top layer. Underneath was probably made of cotton, with the silk fabric fitted nicely on top. The bottom of the skirt had a faint black pattern, slowly erupting up the skirt before fading out eventually into the blood red colour. It was sleeveless, and I could see the black laces Michealgling behind the dress like a corset.

"Did you..." I couldn't get my sentence out. I was dumbfounded; I hurried over to where he stood on the other side of the room, forgetting about my groggy dizziness as I clutched the hanger he was holding, prying the dress to my front. It did in fact go to just above my knees, and there was two layers; the top being silk, and underneath being a warm cotton fabric.

This topped every single dress I'd ever laid eyes upon, by far.

"Like it?" He asked smugly.

I bit down on my bottom lip, pondering the word 'like'.

"I love it." I murmured, not turning to look at him. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Next door down to your right."

I nodded and walked to the door, wrenching it open, the dress on its hanger still in my hand. I could hear commotion downstairs, voices and stern warnings being made as they echoed up the stairs and bounced around the hallways. I could also hear muffled footsteps rushing around, and someone climbing the stairs. My heart rushed quickly, and I scrambled into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door after myself.

I turned and faced the room; the walls were painted deep violet purple, the tiles such a dark purple that it was pushing on black. Everything else matched, clicking together, colour-coorSelenated. The floor tiles were freezing cold under my feet, and it was only then I realised Xian must have taken my shoes off for me as I slept.

I undressed myself and shoved the dress on quicker than you could spit. I had an unnerving feeling that I was being watched; the icy feelings weaving in and out of my spine slowly. I shivered lightly, and then the voices got louder outside the door. I let out a whimper, the disgusting feeling of stage fright vibrating throughout my body. What was there to be scared of? I'd been in front of them all in a dress before, and it was a dress that was much less exposing than this one.

So why the big fuss?

Dress to impress...

It wasn't these guys I was so scared of. It was knowing the fact that I'd be seeing more - the council, and whatnot. It was obvious we were seeing some sort of high authority, why else would Xian by me such a beautiful dress?

If he bought it.

Maybe someone else bought it, or maybe I was lending it...

I'd have to ask. If he'd bought it, I'd have to pay him back.

"You're delaying yourself," My voice snarled. "Hurry up and get out there!"

"Why don't you?" I thought back. When I got no reply, I thought, "Yeah, that shut you up, didn't it?"

Three knocks at the door made me jump, and I clamped my clammy hand over my mouth to stop myself whimpering. I stood perfectly still for a little while, my breathing sounding louder than ever before. What was with me?

"Avni?" A voice called from the other side of the door. "It's Tessa, can I come in?"

A few more moments drifted by as I tried to make my voice sound through the lump I called my throat.

"Yeah, j-just a second!" I replied, scrambling over to the door and fumbling with the lock that didn't seem to be able to come undone. Eventually I managed to pry the door open with my butter fingers, and the girl Rabifully walked in, shutting the door behind her. Her black her was curved around her face in a different style to what it had been in the early hours of this morning; her face was perky and somewhat excited. Her eyes were almost as green as Xian's, but they didn't mesmerise me in the same way that his did, despite the uncanny similarity. She smiled weakly at me, her lips painted blood red against her pale skin. In her hand, she held a pair of straighteners, alongside a pink comb.

"I thought you'd want some hair products and whatnot," She said, placing them on the closed lid of the toilet seat. "Today is a big, big day. We need you to look even prettier than normal, if that's possible."

"What's... what's happening today?" I asked as I slipped on a pair of red dolly shoes she'd also brought in with her.

"We're meeting the King for discussion of actions," She lowered her voice for that statement, as if she were worrying about who'd hear. "You'll be alright, I don't think Xian wants to put you at such a great risk as he did at Stonehenge. Nothing bad is happening, it's merely a meeting."

"You say that is if something bad will happen, just not today..." I murmured, eyeing her suspiciously.

Tessa shrugged. "You never know, I guess. Anyway, be quick, we have to go soon."

Meeting the King.

As in, the King of vampires. As in royalty. As in someone with a higher authority than Xian for a change!

Being there with them, in a meeting with vampires probably wasn't a very good idea. I mean, we all saw what happened last time; betrayal, pain, confusion and most of all... blood was spilled. Although Tessa said I'd be okay, you can't help but wonder, right?

When all of this is over, Southampton was going behind me, and I was leaving. I had nothing really to stick around for; my mother would cope on her own. Besides, if the worst came to the worst, we could just get my aunt Lisa to come stay with her. She didn't need me. Xian wouldn't need me.

Heck, I might even be dead if I went light.

Death or vampirism...

I didn't want either.

They say that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Life gave me lemons, but they were bitter and sour, and nobody wanted the lemonade. It wasn't lemonade without the sugar; what was sweet in my life?

Nothing anymore.

"I'll wait outside," Tessa said with a smile, walking out. I nodded, and picked up the hair straighteners, plugging them in and waiting for them to heat up. I roughly straightened the curly, out of place parts of my blonde hair before I gave up trying to make myself look pretty. The harder I tried, the more likely I would get drained dry, huh?

I glanced in the mirror on the wall; my blue eyes were ecstatic, excited. My lips were pulled down into a grimace, however, against my pallid, near-translucent skin. My blonde hair looked brighter than ever before, but my layers were getting long. A haircut was needed...

Not that I'd have money to get one.

Or the time.

I unplugged the hair straighteners and exited the bathroom into the hallway, shutting the door behind myself. Tessa grinned sheepishly at me, and I smiled back, feeling as if I'd known her forever. A similar feeling to déjà vu.

"Ready?"

I nodded. I wasn't, but I'd never be ready to do anything.

I followed Tessa down the wooden stairs, the first few steps creaking with protest. On the ground floor below us, everybody was stood waiting for us. The other girl Olly was wearing a deep ocean blue dress, and I noticed Tessa's dress was emerald green; matching her eyes. All the boys wore suits alongside crimson red cloaks that were wrapped tightly around themselves, completed with hoods.

I wondered, because I'd thought that the crimson cloaks had belonged to the council, until I realised it was only right that we, too, wore the crimson cloaks; we were on the same side now.

We reached the bottom of the stairs, and everybody exchanged a curious glance.

"We've got the information we need," Olly said. "Vistoc has the evidence. All we need to do now is show up."

Xian pushed himself off of the wall he'd been leaning on, and walked over to the empty space next to me. "I'll go with princess. Vistoc, you take Tessa. Madame, you take Olly. We'll meet outside the passage in ten minutes."

They all nodded, and the girls were swept up expertly into the boys' arms. Vistoc snickered, and Madame smirked, nodding. They were gone, just like that. Leaving Xian and me, once again.

Why was it always like this?

Couldn't I go with Vistoc or Madame?

On the plus side, Xian might not even talk to me, meaning no pressure was put onto conversations.

"Scared?" Xian asked with a smirk.

"What's there to be scared of?" I murmured back as we walked out of the front door at a human speed. We walked around the back of the house, and Xian gestured to himself as we walked. I snorted. "I'm not scared of you."

He tsk'd at me, and scooped me up into his arms - as he so often did - bridal style.

"Maybe you should be."

I laughed and rested my hands on my stomach, and with my head on his shoulder, his breathing a little deeper than usual, he started walking into the forest behind the house. He walked at a human speed to my surprise, allowing me to capture the scenery around us.

"Xian, can I ask you a question?" I murmured quietly, my eyes intent on his throat again. I could vaguely see the kiss mark, but most of it was covered by the collar of his shirt.

"You just did."

I hit his chest lightly, not that it'd hurt him anyway. He looked down at me with his emerald eyes gleaming, despite the horrid weather. I'd wondered about the weather actually; when I came over, it was sunrise. With an actual sun and a clear sky; now it was back to being cloudy...

"Careful princess, I can easily drop you." He smirked.

"Shut up and let me ask my question!" I retorted. He went quiet, and the silence stretched between us. He began to gnaw on the corner of his bottom lip, casting a look all around us, before setting his eyes back on me.

"How..." I didn't know how to say it. What if I offended him? "How did you get this mark?" I brushed my fingers across the burnt kiss mark on his throat. I felt his shoulders tense, and his jaw clenched as he turned away from me.

My heart was beating so loud it was the only thing I could hear. My stomach felt like it was in my throat, and I watched Xian pay attention to the forest in front of us, never looking down at me. He showed no signs of talking.

"Are you going to answer my question, or will it be ignored like everything else I ask you?" I muttered. It was a little too harsh, but it was true; most of the things I asked him were ignored, or apparently couldn't be answered.

"I said you could ask a question, I never said I'd answer it." He snapped.

I should have known the caring act wouldn't last long. I should have known not to ask a question; no matter what the question, I should have known he wouldn't answer it. I should have known a lot of things that I didn't, actually.

Without any warning, he flitted off at an inhuman speed. My whole world felt like it was physically crumbling around me; my stomach was twisting and my throat was lumpy as everything span. He came to an abrupt halt, and I felt like I was going to throw up. Xian set me on my feet, and not exactly gently.

We had stopped in front of a faded red, old brick wall. Everyone was stood in silence, waiting...

"I'll go first," Vistoc said dryly. "Then Avni, then Tessa, then Olly and finally Xian. Avni," he turned to me with a smile. "We're going down a hole. Have you read Alice in WonderHarmony?"

"Of course," I nodded. It was one of my favourite stories.

"The hole Alice jumps down, it's similar. So listen for my call before you jump. When you get to the bottom, I'll catch you." I nodded in response, and then he turned and looked at everyone else. "Pandora awaits us down at the bottom. Just... for the sake of everyone's lives, be careful. I don't know if she's in a good mood or not today, so tread carefully with your words, got it?"

I looked around at them all; they all nodded, faces serious. Besides Xian, who was smirking, somewhat pleased.

I ignored him, turning my attentions to Vistoc as he walked towards the wall, looking down at the ground with every step he took. Right in front of my eyes, it was as if the ground swallowed him; he was gone, leaving his footprints embedded into the soil. When he said a hole, I thought he meant a hole we could see, not one invisible.

The ground suddenly opened from a crack, revealing blackness beneath the earth. Silence erupted around us for moments on end, before we heard a loud crash, and a grunt.

"Jump, Avni!" Vistoc's voice echoed up. I took a deep breath in, before stepping into the earth. I shut my eyes, squinting as the air rushed past me.

You know that falling feeling you get when you're half asleep? The one that makes you lurch up in the bed, the one that makes your heart race?

I had that. Except, I couldn't lurch up in bed and stop my heart from racing, because I was really falling.

I wanted to scream. I know I've said that so many times before; I wanted to, but I couldn't. I couldn't find my voice, for it had cowered away from me. Fear was something that struck me - and the majority of people - as a weakness. Emotion was a weakness, too, but it was the only thing I had left of my humanity. That and 50% of my blood. I guess you have to really cling on to the things you have in life; the beauty of humanity never shines until it is at risk.

I stopped falling abruptly, and Harmonyed in somebody's arms.

Vistoc.

My eyelids fluttered open to see his face just mere inches from mine, dirt smudged across his cheekbone. I tsk'd at him, and rubbed it away.

"I'm dirty, leave me the way I am," He smirked.

"You sinner, you." I snorted as he put me down.

"What can I say? I'm the devil in disguise." He winked at me, before turning to the hole in the ceiling above us and shouting, "Jump!"

One after the other, the vampires appeared Harmonying Rabifully on their feet. Confused expressions swept across their faces, and I had the satisfaction of seeing their eyes gaze around rather dumbly, before they gathered their thoughts once more. Xian was the last to arrive, and he Harmonyed on one knee. He took a deep breath in, and stood up, looking around excitedly.

"I smell a minx," his low tone was slurred, seductive. He shoved through us, and walked on through the dark passage.

The walls were painted with black shadows, dully lit by an anonymous light somewhere on the wall from in a tiny crack, that of a hole. It was just like your average tunnel - minus the fact that I could see the blood sprayed delicately on the walls in the light. I shuddered, but a part of me was curious. That part was locked up in a cage, and I walked on in sync with Vistoc.

"Don't take anything Xian says within the next few minutes seriously," He murmured rather apologetically. "Pandora, she holds the seven sins. She has a thing for Xian, and she likes to toy with him a little bit. It's funny, because a part of me is beginning to think he actually likes it."

"Pandora?" I replied. "That was one of my favourite bedtime stories. 'The legend of Pandora's box', my dad used to read it to me before I went to sleep."

He nodded. "That's her. The wonderful Pandora."

"She's REAL?" My voice was raised, and he glanced at me, warning me. I lowered my voice before continuing; "I don't get it... Pandora is real? I... wait, what?"

"Of course she's real. So is her box. However, nobody has ever been able to discover Pandora's box, let alone what's inside. They say that all the fears and whatnot live inside, and then hope is at the bottom, but that doesn't tell you what's in the box. It could be an apocalyptic event, and then Superman is suddenly real to save the world, you know?"

"Batman's better..."

"No way!" Vistoc objected. He shook his head. "Anyway, back on topic. Pandora holds the seven sins. She IS the seven sins. She's everything a vampire or mortal could want, and everything a vampire or mortal could hate. She's really useful, though. She fights nasty."

I laughed. Vistoc looked at me as though I was crazy, and I shrugged.

"It's not my fault. This whole thing has hardly digested - and now you're adding... Pandora? Give me a day or two, and I'll freak out for you. I'll put on a good show, and give you a front-row seat," I sighed. "But not today."

"No, today we have other things to be worrying about than fictional and non-fictional characters, you're right," Vistoc nodded. "At the end of this tunnel is a preparation room. On the other side of that room is the double doors that will lead us to the King. You will curtsey and say, 'Your Majesty' and you will be polite at all times. To everyone in the room. Got it?"

"Got it," I murmured, displeased.

Vistoc stopped, grabbing my hand in the process. He whirled me around, and before I knew it I was being smothered in a large hug.

If I was honest, I didn't know whether I should push him away and vomit, or hug him back and savour the hostile moment. It wasn't every day I was receiving hugs now, was it?

"I know it's hard," He whispered into my hair. "The choice you have to make."

"What are you talking about?" I mumbled into his chest, deciding to savour the moment as I put my arms around his waist.

"The hate will go away and the liking is going to develop, Avni. It's written in the stones, you can't deny it. You said it yourself; he was the guy you'd dreamed of, and the guy you hated..."

"How did you know I thought that?"

He didn't reply. The tunnel fell eerily silent, only the sound of faded footsteps and my breathing echoed around us. Vistoc put his head on mine, and put his hand in my hair, stroking it. For a vampire, he knew how to melt my nerves and make my mind completely empty; his comforting was peaceful.