My last suicide attempt

38

The words were forming and shaping from Vistoc's lips, but I couldn't hear anything. There was this shrill, intense ringing in my ears as the metallic, sickening taste of fear rose in my mouth. Tessa and olly sat there silently, staring hazily out the window. Madame's eyes were narrowed at a talking Vistoc. Xian's emerald eyes met mine from across the room where he'd moved to, and he held my gaze steadily. Once more, his face was blank and bleak, but his eyes seeped the fear he was withholding from us all. His eyes were also apologetic, as if he'd done something wrong, but his lips were pressed tightly shut. But all too soon, he turned his attentions to the rest of the vampires, words twisting silently from within him as his lips, trembling ever so slightly, moved slowly.

But I was somewhere else entirely.

Thinking about how much of my time was wasted here, like this. Like the monster I was possibly becoming, opening myself up to bloodsuckers. Isolating myself from a real life, and any form of normality. Hiding myself, hiding secrets from my own mother and not even caring as she got better from drug abuse. I'd wasted all this time on a life that shouldn't even exist, on a side of me that should never have arose, all to be told that we'd failed. And it was over.

That we were finished.

I'd lead such a... twisted, appalling life so far in under three months, I'd fought just to be alive and I'd made myself an enemy to just about everyone in every dimension - all for absolutely nothing.

"So that's it then?" The words escaped my lips before I could even think or stop myself. They all turned and looked at me, frowns creased into smooth foreheads, eyes soft, yet slightly afraid, lips tugged down at the corners into grimaces. Only when I reached up to brush a part of my hair from my face did I realise my hands were trembling.

"Have we failed?" I asked quietly.

Just like that, my heart began to thud painfully against my ribcage as I feared for a world that wasn't mine. As I worried over a world that shouldn't exist.

"We're not sure yet," Madame responded, his tone controlled and calm. "We are awaiting the King to be in touch. We don't know how long that will be, but until then we can only wait."

"You're joking, right?" Xian snapped rather harshly. "You don't see? It's their plan. This is what they want. They were the ones that sent you, Ash and Avni to the Ghost Plane. Tessa and olly care for you both in a way that I can't begin to get my head around, and you both feel the same. While you-all were stuck, unable to come home, we three wallowed in our own despair thinking you were all dead. This led to us to be weak and our defences came down. They knew you'd return though, so they murdered kimkard , Avni's mother. They killed off all the things that were most important to us. But most of all..." He turned and looked at me, his green eyes ablaze and his head c****d to the side a tad. "They made your defences fall, and now you are the weakest one of us. They've got what they wanted - a clear passage to the throne. Now all they need is an alibi and... and Avni's abilities to flex the vortex. It was all a game to get us distracted while they cleared their way towards the King."

My knees were weak beneath me, and my mouth, lips quivering, was ajar. I looked frantically at the rest of them, hoping one of them would deny Xian's theory and come up with a less painful, less destructive thought.

"That is an excellent point," Vistoc said sternly, his glance towards me grim. "I am sorry love, Xian has a good theory on his shoulders. This means we're going to need to split up... They will be after Avni, but they will also be after the King. We need to protect them both. Xian, you are at as much risk here as Avni, what with Erica..."

"Recruiting might be a useful tip," Tessa suggested. "I know Xian turned a few people back in July, but they poisoned themselves so they are not use to us now. Their lives are limited and just as weak as Avni. We need others... stronger vampires."

It was only when my back hit the wall did I realise I'd been backing away. My heart was beating fast as I held back the sobs bursting to explode from within me. It was all too difficult, it was all too much for me to handle.

"Recruiting right now is a bad idea," Vistoc said. "What with Ruby's murder. We don't want the police sniffing around at more than they can handle, and especially for longer than needed. We'll be suspicious..."

Lips were moving but their voices were so far away, a shrill whistling sounding in my ears like a kettle on a stove.

They were throwing around words carelessly as if talking business. I guess it never really hit me that this was all it was for them - business. Right from the very beginning, Xian said he needed me to do him a favour, besides helping him wipe out the rogues. He never said it'd be easy, but he forgot to mention that people I loved were at a great risk. Or perhaps, I was too stupid to see what was right in front of me all along; the Michealger was there, so bittersweet, but I was so wrapped up in - in Xian to notice any mistakes and wrong-doings surrounding us. There were so many, in fact, that they were blinding me now I had begun to see them clearly.

Everything really was coming to an end.

Not even a stupid little voice could say a witty remark to top that.

"The King is on his way, I can feel it." Madame's voice was distant still.

"...So are the Others." Xian sighed, his breath heavy with despair. I didn't have to hear him properly to hear it. So heavy that I could almost taste it.

The Others.

Those two words, that little clan, the ugly features of my vivid, twisted dreams - they were coming. Coming for me, for Xian, for us all. For the end of us.

_________________________

Anberlin - Soft Skeletons

_________________________

I couldn't control my legs as they stumbled forward a step or two, and then I turned and ran from the room. But I didn't regret doing that; I had to get out. I was getting claustrophobic in there.

"Avni!" Xian shouted after me, but not even he could stop me. I roughly forced my feet into my trainers and wrenched open the front door and ran out into the gloomy day; the clouds were rolling in thick and heavy, a few patches of blue sky remaining as the sun pierced through. The light blinded me for just a moment but still, I kept running. Running through the crowded streets, past my house with the tape rolled over the drive. My head was spinning and my cheeks flushed with heat as salty tears oozed down my cheeks.

I was stupid to think I'd just wake up today and everything would be okay again. I was ridiculous to think that this was going to be easy.

Everything got a whole lot worse as I began to run over the Itchen Bridge towards the other side of town. The whole world jolted to a stop, silence ascending over the city. My heart thudded in my chest, the erratic beating pounding in my ears as I approached the town; everyone was frozen, completely still. Not a single form of life twitched within my eye-sight, and not a sound could be heard for miles. No birds squawked above us; no loud teenagers laughed loudly; no old women complained at the way I shoved through them all.

Nothing.

"No, no, no," I said to myself. I scanned every inch around me, begging for someone to move, anything. I had no idea how to fix this.

That didn't stop me; I just kept running through the streets, round corners, my heart racing and my breathing coming in shallow gasps. Alas, I stopped in my tracks as I came to the gateway to Southampton Cemetery. The gateway was like a ruined exit to an old church; with large, stone pillars on either side, and a bridge-like link connecting each pillar. The large black iron gates were open widely, revealing the graveyard.

I wandered inside, fear creeping up my spine. But as the world slowly set back into motion, the group of people dressed in black alongside a vicar bearing a bible moving, mourning once more, a little part of me felt slightly better.

Headstones lined the fields as I walked the concrete path through the graveyard. As I got deeper, I could see the large church tucked in between a thin layer of trees. The stain-glass window above the large oak wood door was glowing an ominous yellow. I couldn't see the mausoleum, but I knew it wasn't far off. Weaving through the graves, I tried to recall the location of my father's headstone.

Alas, I found it, and sank to the floor next to it. I stared at the words engraved on the stone, wondering what they'd be putting on my mother's headstone when we buried her... whenever that would be. I leaned my head onto the stone wistfully, wishing he were still here, but knowing he'd be disappointed in me if he were...

It felt like years since I moved. I estimated that it had been little over an hour that I'd been sat thtime the air had become more stale, and a lot more icy. The sun had disappeared, and the grey clouds burst over the skies. As the wind whirled around me, brushing the tree's rustling branches, I shivered a little. Feeling cold, I silently stood up from the ground, cast the grave one last glance and then I made my way towards the iron gates. I soon left the thick trees, glowing church and skulking crows behind in the graveyard as I came back to civilization. People moved in flocks, laughing, unaware of the true Michealgers that folded in with them everyday. As I approached the centre of the town after about twenty minutes, a gut-wrenching realisation began to slowly hit me.

I took a seat on a nearby bench in a park, Debenhams peaking out at me through the thin layer of trees ahead, the sun was sliding out from behind the grey clouds. Little groups of teenagers all crowded together, shouting and laughing were scattered around the large field. On the paths that swerved through the park, I saw an elderly couple; the man supported by a wooden cane, the woman with her arm linked through his free arm. They were talking quietly, smiling as they did so. What really struck me was that I'd never be able to do that. I'd never grow old, and if I did, I doubted very much I'd have the one I love by my side. I wasn't a vampire, so to speak, but the ominous presence of the choice forthcoming was always beating against my brain, somewhere in the back of my head. Light, I'd be stripped of all vampire cells and anything related to vampirism, I'd become a human and then I'd slowly die. Dark, I'd be stripped of all human traits, and I'd become an immortal bloodsucker, forever feeding off of humans to keep my selfish self alive. I'd leave the human world and step into a world where killing wasn't wrong. Where I was hunted.

If I went Light, I probably wouldn't live to see my next birthday, which was only three months away. If I went Dark, I was immortal, I'd never grow old.

I wanted everything that I couldn't have; my mother, some real friends, a nice house, a trouble-free life. When it came down to being Light or Dark, I didn't know what I wanted, which was a first. Did I really want to die and rest for all eternity, leaving the vampires behind? Or did I want to become immortal with Xian and be hunted for as long as I walked the earth? Becoming Light was tempting, but it was a coward's way out. Becoming Dark meant, yes being hunted, but it also meant... Xian.

Why did everything have to be so hard all the time?

The wind whipped and swirled harshly around me now as the sun disappeared. I'd had the rays beat down on me for a few minutes without coming to a fiery end, and I guess that was as good as it got. As the icy breeze collided with my bare arms, it was only then that I realised what a mess I looked. Sat on a park bench with bed-head, in a pair of tracksuit bottoms in a stringy black vest tee and trainers. I sighed to myself.

"It will get easier," A voice said, making me jump. Xian sat down on the bench next to me, his eyes staring ahead of him. "The yearning to be a human, to grow old will soon numb, but it never fully goes away. Not every creature feels it though. It's rare they do nowadays; this life to them is heaven on Earth. Immortality, all the girls, blood and gore you could possibly want..."

"Do you want what they have?" I asked sternly. "Do you want to be human?"

Xian turned and looked at me then. His emerald eyes were soft, the last of the sunlight beaming down onto him long enough to make his eyes glisten. He lowered his head for a moment, and then looked back up at me through his dark eyelashes, as if he were ashamed.

"Yes," He said quietly. "I want to be a human again. I want to really taste food again. I want to love properly, and be loved just as much in return. I want a family of my own. I want a wife who will stay home with the kids while I go out and work all day to put food on the table. I want traditions. I want the brawls, the arguments, the watery tears. I want to quench a real desire, not just for blood. I want to feel again. I want it all, Avni."

My jaw fell slightly ajar. He stared back at me, his lips slightly parted, his pale skin glowing, his green eyes pleading.

"I want a beating heart." He finished.

My own heart squeezing in my chest at his words, I wracked my brain, searching for something to say back to him. Panicking, I said the first thing that came to my head.

"You're loved. You can love."

He rolled his eyes. "I cannot love without someone dying. As for being loved... that is hilarious. I'm one of the most cannibalistic predators to have ever walked this Earth-"

"That doesn't mean people don't love you." I interrupted.

"Whatever you say, princess," he said sarcastically, shaking his head. He turned away and angled his face up to the sky, despite it being a cloudy day. He closed his eyes, as if the sun was beating down on him. "Anyway. I saw what you did earlier. It was impressive, I'll have to say. How did you do it?"

I just grunted, knowing he was talking about when everything stopped. "It just happened, I guess."

"It was a pretty neat trick."

"Thanks," I rolled my eyes.

"I never said that was a compliment."

"I took it as one anyway."

"Well, don't." He smirked.

"Too late."

"You overestimate my kindness, princess." He shook his head at me, his eyes open now. He winked at me, his eyes glinting playfully.

I scoffed at him. "You're as soft as a marshmallow."

"Ouch," he mocked, pressing his hand to his chest. "That hurt."

"Immaturity aside..." I said, my voice lowering. "Can I ask you a question?"

"You just did." He rolled his eyes.

"Xian, I'm serious. Promise me a serious answer." I demanded.

_______________________________