My last suicide attempt

37

"...I lost her.

When collecting Angels come,

I will rush to find your prayers.

They're buried in the closet under the stairs,

Under boxes of my dreams,

And the clutter of my fears.

My selfishness is probably why they're here.

And I kept digging my own grave,

I'm close to thirty miles deep..."

He was singing the same song, and I was missing out on the beauty of his face. I couldn't open my eyes, but instead listen to his words flow around me.

"... I can taste the other side and it isn't pretty.

And I left my lover in a bottle,

And I threw it out to sea.

As soon as she left my fingertips, I prayed she'd come back to me,

Come back to me, baby.

I lost her, I lost her..."

He repeated that sentence over and over, as if throwing the words at me. The tone of his voice, gentle and disguising the hurt, told me that the song clearly meant something to him. I just wished I knew what.

"What do you think, princess?" My voice muttered. "That girl he loved!"

"Loved?" I thought back. Past tense.

"Yes, loved. He doesn't lover HER anymore."

I clutched at the sheets, barely in the same room as Xian anymore. I wanted to stay awake, I wanted to stay there to hear him some more. To talk to him. But I was slipping away at the worst time, like being in the middle of the ocean on a stormy night; the current was so strong that I could only give in.

"I will never stitch the hole you cut,

In hope that you will return to me.

I will work to be a man, yeah you will see;

Yeah, I will work to be your man, yeah you will see."

Maybe letting myself absorb Xian's world was a bigger mistake than I'd thought. I'd lost my mother, I'd lost my education, I'd lost my friends - though they were already gone. But most of all... I'd lost my heart.

I'd gotten more than I'd bargained for, that was for sure.

* * * * * * * * * *

I set the guitar down leaning on the wall by the desk, and then went to sit at the end of the bed again. Avni was breathing deeply and softly as the minutes ticked by. I flitted under the covers next to her, and for a while I was unable to take my eyes away from her sleeping form. She looked so peaceful, so much at ease. Before she'd gone to sleep, she looked so intense... she looked so thoughtful and wondering.

There were only so many things I could tell her.

There were only so many things I could tell myself.

I just wished I could give her a normal life. I wished I could be normal for her, to make her happy in everyway possible whenever she'd want me, whenever she'd take me. I'd treated her badly, destroyed her life from the inside out, and yet she was still here. She was off limits, forbidden, and yet I still found myself wanting her now more than ever.

I sighed and shut my eyes blissfully, despite my throat burning as her aroma swiftly twisted through my nose. Venom coated my canine teeth, and I could feel my fangs sliding into place as the monster inside me purred tauntingly. Her blood sweetened, as if on cue. I wanted to tell myself that this was all there was to it; that I just wanted her blood. But it was all lies. I wanted every part of her; every dark corner of her mind, every smile she could muster up, everything. I wanted... her.

"What is lust without love?" My voice said softly.

I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her closer, biting back the monster inside me. Okay, so her blood was the sweetest blood I'd ever tasted, but she was so much more than just that. She was, well... everything.

"I think you mean, what is love without lust?" I corrected mentally. "Get it right."

The sound of the TV downstairs woke me up early the next morning. I stretched and opened my eyes, my senses heightening as I listened out for intruders. There wasn't much need; I could hear Vistoc swearing, I could hear Tessa trying to calm Madame down, and I could hear olly clattering around nervously in the kitchen. Despite being able to hear them, I couldn't quite make out what the TV was blaring out. I cast a look over at Avni, a smile forming instantly on my mouth when I saw her in the same position that she was in last night. The only difference was her hair was a cute little mess, and her eyes were lined with a thin layer of black makeup from where it had smudged.

I shook my head and flitted to the door, shutting it silently behind myself before I turned and made my way down the stairs.

"Do you mind? That thing is blaring out," I complained. "Avni could wake-"

I stopped dead in my tracks in the doorway, staring at the TV. My jaw dropped, and for once in my whole one hundred and fifty three years of life, I could feel - and almost TASTE my world crumbling to pieces. Shattering, breaking, ruining.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I shot up in the bed, breathing deeply and trying to shake the images of my mother from my mind. I'd had a nightmare that she had come back to haunt me; not in a ghostly way, but in a bloodsucking-frenzy way. It was enough to make me want to hurl, but luckily for Xian, I didn't. I smoothed my hair down and scanned the room, wanting to see him so he could make me feel a little better. But I was alone in his room, the dark silky sheets folding back as I kicked them to the end of the bed.

I could hear the TV flooding up the stairs from downstairs. Stretching, I groggily scuffed my feet as I walked out of the room and down the stairs, towards the noise. I could hear more than one voice floating down the hallway - it seemed Tessa and everyone was home from their 'reunion'.

They were all gathered in the living room, all squeezed onto the furniture as their pale faces stared straight ahead at the TV. I followed their gaze, listening to the news.

"...Courtney crimsen was found dead in her home in the early hours of this morning. She was discovered in her own bed by her older brother after the nineteen-year-old had been missing for a week and three days. A search party has been looking for the girl since she was reported missing by her brother, and police do believe it was murder, with attempted suicide prior to the awful event. We now go live to Southampton Civic Centre, where james crimsen has a few words to say." The anchorman was saying. The screen switched to the civic centre in town, but the TV was soon muted.

"What do we do now?" Madame asked throatily.

I frowned, walking into the room, my eyes scanning the vampires sat before me, each wearing their own masks of fear. Xian sat on the arm of the sofa closest to me; his mask was blank, but as usual, his eyes betray the fear he was hiding.

"We wait," He said quietly. "That's all we can do. They'll come soon enough."

"Who are you talking about? The Others, or the King?" Vistoc growled. "If you'd got your head outta your own ass and stopped feeling sorry for yourself long enough, Xian, we could have prevented this!"

"HEY!" Tessa glared at Vistoc. "Xian isn't to blame! Nobody is, besides THEM. Vistoc, it's one thing to be angry, but it's another to blame your own best friend for the murder of that poor girl!"

Vistoc stayed quiet, avoiding everybody's eyes by looking outside.

"I don't get it," I murmured. "What's going on?"

Xian spoke up this time. "Courtney crimsen is... was the last heir. She was our last hope of being able to keep our world. Without an heir, the King is easily murder-able, and then a space will be free for the Others to take the throne. With agreement of the Damned, of course. But the Damned know nothing of the betrayal the Others have made us, and surely, no matter how many times we tell them we don't have the evidence-"

"To Hell we don't!" I argued. "All these dead girls, are they not proof enough?"

"No. They got the rogues to do their dirty work, remember? If anyone, they will ban the rogues from being able to take over. But that means nothing anymore. None of it does. The Others are more powerful than us now - they have more chance of defeating us than they did before. It's a losing battle. The throne is theirs, there's no stopping that now."

I blinked, my mouth slightly ajar. I didn't know much, but I knew that we were fighting for the King to stay in power. We were fighting for the "good" vampires, the ones like Xian and everybody, to stay in power when the King died. I knew that there were no more heirs left to take the throne when he died, and Xian said he was easily murder-able. If the King dies, we would die. The Others were going to overpower and take over the vampire world. Xian's words rang in my eyes; 'it's a losing battle. The throne is theirs, there's no stopping that now.'

"You mean...?" I couldn't even say it. Everything we were fighting for, all the reasons we hadn't given up, all the reasons I was here - they were nothing now.

"We've finished," Vistoc said bleakly. "It's over, we've failed."

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