My last suicide attempt

36

And I found him.

His dark oak-wood door was ajar, and a soft orange glow darted out into the hallway. From within, I could hear a voice. I moved closer, my eyes searching for him through the exposed space. I could see him sat at his desk, his black acoustic guitar propped carefully on his lap. His fingers idly moved up and down the neck as he plucked little notes. He looked so natural in the light, the way he was playing his guitar, the way he was just... there. His voice sounded through his moving lips, and I'll admit I felt like crying at the sound of his voice.

"There's a hole in my heart,

Which you used to get you air.

It won't beat again for at least another year.

You cut it out yourself, so you won't suffocate in there,

Your patience is losing to your fear.

I lost her..."

To save myself from screaming or giving myself away, I bit down on my lip so hard that a slight metallic taste lingered in my mouth as a few drops of blood escaped from beneath my teeth. Xian suddenly stopped playing, and without looking up, he spoke.

"What are you doing up so late?" He muttered. If I didn't know any better, I'd say his voice was dark, possibly angry that I intruded upon him. Without my permission, my legs had moved, making me stumble forward until I was stood in his doorway. My stomach dropped, and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. I stayed there, silent, for a little while longer, before Xian looked up at me with an expression on his face that showed nothing. But his beautiful green eyes gave him away; they glinted with pain in the soft light. He raised his eyebrows in a 'well?' gesture.

"I couldn't sleep." I stumbled over my own words, let alone my own feet as I awkwardly shifted my weight from one foot to the other.

He nodded and looked away, down at his guitar. "A mug of hot milk and a spoonful of honey, my mother always used to tell me." He said quietly, "It helps you sleep. Or so she said." he added.

I just wanted him to play again.

"I didn't know you could play," I said. He sighed, and looked up. His blood red lips were pressed together into a hard line, and what with the hurt in his eyes, I was surprised at the icy tone that escaped him once more.

"Why are you still here?" His voice was almost a growl.

"Sorry, I'll just go then." I snapped. I turned and began to walk away, but Xian grabbed my arm and tugged me back.

"Don't, I'm sorry." He murmured. I was about to pull my arm from his grip, but what he said next made my heart break with the amount of hurt in his voice. "Please don't go."

And just like that, I let him pull me back. He was so close that his chest was pressed to mine. He pushed the door shut behind me, and smiled warmly, all pain seemingly gone from his tone and eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm just... I've been thinking a lot lately. Things aren't easy, that's all."

"When were they ever?" I snorted, but I was so enveloped in the way he took both of my hands in his, his fingers lacing through mine.

"Once," he replied. "They were easy once, before all of this. I wish I could take you there, I wish I could show you what it was like to live such an easily-flowing life. You hadn't needed to write fate, because your future was laid down in front of you. Now... everything means something important, everywhere you go, and everything you do and say - it all writes what's to come soon enough."

I blinked, unsure of what to say. He untangled one of our hands and raised his own to softly take a lock of my loose hair between his fingers, and then twist it around his index finger gently. He seemed so lost, so preoccupied. So different, like a whole other person. Eventually, he shrugged to himself and nodded his head towards the double bed. Hesitantly, I made my way beneath the covers, shivering at the thought of those nights in the Ghost Plane I'd spent in this bed, so far away. He sat at the other end with his guitar, plucking random chords softly while I watched him.

He stared intently down at the strings as he played. It wasn't a particular song; just a few random chords, but I could tell he was fighting the emotion. His face was blank besides his frown. A part of me wished so badly that he'd open up to me and tell me more things about him, why he seemed constantly down. I knew better than to expect him to actually tell me, so I didn't even consider asking him.

"What were you playing just now?" I asked. Xian looked up, his frown disappearing, a smile replacing the blank stare on his face. His emerald eyes glinted ever so slightly as the chorus sank into the song he was playing earlier, and I nodded.

"Just a song I heard on the radio a few days back," He replied.

I smiled. "It's nice. You have a nice voice."

"Thanks." He smirked, and I rolled my eyes.

"Can you play me some more of the song?" I asked, my voice more quiet and cowardly than I had initially intended. He averted his gaze down to his guitar again.

"It's late, princess," He said slowly.

My heart flipped at him calling me princess. I hadn't heard him call me that in days. I never thought I'd see the day I missed him calling me that, but today was officially that day. I held back the nervous shiver as something else crept up my spine when he looked up at me, a small smile forming on his lips.

"You're so cute when you're nervous," he laughed.

"What? I'm not nervous, you're just delusional." I barked playfully.

"Yeah whatever, princess." He shook his head, snickering under his breath.

"Shut up, I'm sleeping." I lay down quickly, pulling the covers over my head so I couldn't see him anymore.

"You know, you're such high maintenance. But that's what I like about you."

"Sleeping in here!"

He laughed again. "Goodnight, Avni."

"I think you'll find it's the morning, ACTUALLY." I corrected.

"Will you quit being sassy and just go to sleep?!"

I bit my lip to hold back a laugh, but I pushed the duvet away and wrapped it around my shoulders so I could breathe. Xian began playing his guitar again, and I stretched my legs so that I kicked him. I didn't look up at him again, but his chords never faltered. I closed my eyes, dizziness overlapping me. I struggled to stay awake, but as I began to drift away, I heard his voice.