Hello, Kenzo

Goodbyes to Heal

The weather looked gloomy outside, accompanied by strong winds. It was cold. But at this time, I don't feel cold. All I felt was pain.

While lying on the cold floor of my apartment, I curled up in pain as I sweated profusely. "Baby..." I whimpered as I writhed in pain, clutching my stomach. "Go. Just, please go! I don't deserve you. You don't deserve this kind of world."

I drank all night again last night. I even took paracetamol because I really felt like I was going to have a fever. Furthermore, I had been abstaining, I mean, I couldn't really have the appetite to eat anymore, so I guess my body seemed to be giving out.

I feel like too much of a failure.

"Go somewhere nice, my baby," I lamented. "Somewhere where you don't have to beg for love."

I peered up at the clock hanging on the wall, and I had fifteen minutes left to prepare for school. How could I go to school now? For sure, my students will hound me again about why my eyes are sad and puffy. Although they have disabilities, they have a unique ability to observe emotions, which most people fail to do.

I grabbed my cell phone from my bed and called my cousin, Narih.

"Big Sis?" she immediately answered.

She sounded excited. I guess she was waiting for news about my Kenzo affair. I haven't talked to her for a while.

"Narih," I answered, sobbing.

"Hey, how are you? What's wrong?!" Her voice made a sudden turn.

My crazy cousin. A little crazier than me.

"Narih..." I continued to cry. I don't know; my mind and body are refusing what I am about to do. I am sure that even Narih will not be happy with my news.

"WHAT?! Well, I'm getting more and more nervous. Why does your voice sound like that?" I heard her marching and panicking on the other line.

"I'm pregnant, Narih!" And I cried even more.

It was really only with Narih that I could release such heavy emotions without fearing any kind of judgment. She didn't answer back, and I could hear her weak sobs.

"W...what? What... are you planning? Who's the father?" she tried to ask between her sobs.

"It doesn't matter," I answered.

Since Kenzo and I talked that night outside our favorite hotel in the rain, I decided to really let go of the child in my womb.

"So then, what are you planning to do?" she was almost whispering.

"I'm letting it go!"

And she was silent again. Her cries grew louder and more painful.

My moment was ruined by Narih's crying. I could imagine how her face looked when she cried.

"Shut it, Narih. You are crying like you are the one going through the pain, ha! You look uglier when you cry, may I remind you?" I laughed a little, trying to lighten up the mood.

"I'm thinking of you. Then the child you plan to get rid of Stella, you can raise that child. You are more than capable," Narih cried even more.

I knew it.

"I can. But what about Dad? This will cause them so much pain. Mommy would surely be more than devastated, and I couldn't imagine seeing them in that state again," I barely said as another stroke of pain throbbed in my stomach.

"And, just in case, I don't make it. I left my accounts with you, didn't I? Remember...."

"Stop it, Stella! Blah!!!! Blah!!!! Blah!!! I don't hear anything. I don't know anything!" Narih stopped me immediately.

This was the part she hated the most: saying goodbye.

"After my class is over, I'm going to withdraw to buy the things I need to let this angel go. I trust you, Narih," I cried even more bitterly.

"NO! I WON'T! STELLA, PLEASE!" she heaved. I hung up and then forced myself to stand up. I went to the bathroom to take a shower, but I was stunned for a moment in front of the mirror.

The reflection of myself in the mirror was too much for me to take in. I felt sorry for myself.

My body lost so much weight just because I fell in love with the wrong person again. "You can do it! It's your fault anyway. You fell in love!" I cried while wiping my tears.

I tried to cover my face with concealer and foundation and put on thick red lipstick. I don't want my students to be terrified of me.

As expected, my students were curious about how I looked so pale and lifeless. I tried to brush off their questions and asked them to do activities to preserve my remaining energy for later.

What if I don't see them anymore?

Sh-t! My anxiety was really eating me up.

After class, I found myself staring at the ATM from across the street, stunned, while sitting on the bench outside the 7/11 store. The air got even colder as it got darker. I didn't know how many minutes or hours I spent staring at the ATM.

I also noticed that I have missed many calls from Kenzo.

"Well, you're here, so backing out now is not a choice now," I said to myself, smiling bitterly while supporting myself to stand up from the bench.

I took a step, and off I went towards the ATM.

Every step I took, I knew this moment would

forever haunt me for the rest of my life. Life is indeed a bittersweet journey. I don't understand anything anymore. My mind is so blank.

'Stella'

'Stella'

'Stella'

"STELLA!"

I heard a voice. Even though it was vague, and I couldn't fully understand what it was saying, I felt like I knew the voice.

"STELLA!"

And finally, my mind completely snapped back to reality, and I stared at the eyes that were also staring back at me.

"Bullsh-t! Stella! What were you doing? I have been so worried about you, then I'll find you, crossing the road with the green light on, trying to get killed!" Kenzo shouted.

"Kenzo," I whispered softly.

He stopped talking and pulled me towards a motorcycle. He helped me up onto a it and then put the helmet on me.

"Mr. Driver, just follow us. Please take care of this girl!" he said to the driver. "You, hold tightly!" He pointed firmly at me before walking towards another motorcycle in front of us.

We traveled and stopped at Vrianne.

"I'm sorry! My allowance this week is small. Just enough for a motorcycle ride," he said sincerely with his head down while removing my helmet.

He helped me down and held my hand in the hotel.

"Room 404, is it available?" he asked the receptionist.

The key card was handed to us, and we quietly went to the room.

When we got inside, he kissed me without saying a word.

"What are you trying to do?" I tried to push him away, but he insisted.

My mind protested against his kisses, but my heart and body couldn't deny that I missed everything about Kenzo, especially his touches.

So I just let myself drift away in the calmness brought by the kisses and touches of Kenzo. This time, he's healing me. He mends me. His fullness inside me just seemed to caress all the pain.

"I'm sorry! Sorry! I missed you so much!" Kenzo said while he was panting, his face all flushed as his eyes fixed on me. "From now on, I'm the father of this baby."

He smiled painfully, wiping away my tears before thrusting slowly back in, sealing my lips with his. I could feel every bit of him until we gave in. He moved behind me and cuddled me in his arms.

"So, please, let me stay until you get healed. I couldn't fix you. Sadly, that is the truth, but I'll help you patch up your wounds until those turn into scars." He begged behind me as he cried on my back.

I am out of words; I couldn't do anything but cry. Never did I expect to find or enjoy this kind of love with someone so far, despite how apart his age is from mine.

I tightened my grip on his hands and stayed in his arms until we fell asleep, crying.

Days passed, and I tried not to stop myself from feeling cared for, wanted, and loved without having to ask for it.

"Baby, do you like Kenza? If you are a girl," Kenzo said softly while feeling my stomach.

I can't explain the happiness I feel. I really hope that if it's a good dream, I won't have to wake up.

"Kenza?" I asked.

"Kenzo and Stella!" Kenzo's smile reached his ears as he tickled my stomach.

"Are we really going to do this?" I asked anxiously.

"What do you want to do?" He moved next to me.

"I'm not sure either, Kenzo. I'm very scared."

"Me too. But whatever you decide, I will stay by your side, no matter what." Kenzo gently hugged me to calm my mind.

Then he started tickling me. It was just a short while when I felt a strong urge to urinate.

"Wait! I'm just going to the comfort room!" I said, getting up from the bed.

I smiled as I looked at him at ease on my bed. I have always dreamed of this. Kenzo often stayed at my apartment after school and then went home at night.

As much as I oppose lying to his sister, I badly need Kenzo.

When I stood up, I suddenly felt that I wasn't able to hold it.

"Sh-t! I've already peed..." I laughed, but I was surprised by the expression on Kenzo's face when I faced him in shame.

I followed his gaze, and I was surprised when blood was pouring out of me.

"Stella, hold on!" Kenzo easily caught up with me and quickly called for help.

I was rushed to the hospital, and only a few hours later the doctor told us the painful news. "You lost the baby."

All I could hear at that time were dull noises from the hospital's usual happenings. I couldn't look back at Kenzo, who I knew was also mourning the news.

My heart was in so much pain.

"Kenza has left us." Kenzo tried to be strong for me while his tears fell harshly as he held my hands. His lips quivered with every word he said.

"Baby, I love you. Be happy!"