Jigsaw Pieces

Matt - Thursday

 ‘You and your paninis’, I was laughing, shaking my head looking at Amelia’s usual order. I felt a huge sense of relief when she had suggested lunch today. We were admiring the usual food we ordered, thinking that we’d order something different but never seemed to change our minds. Mine was the Spinach and Ricotta pasta parcels and Amelia’s favourite meal was the cheddar cheese and chicken panini.

‘What? Please don’t tell me you’re jealous? You just want some of my crisps,’ She picked up a neatly cut slice of her panini and bit into it and then moved her crisp’s around her plate, teasing me. How did she look so perfect even when she was eating? Most of the girls I’d been with would order a salad and pick at it, afraid to eat in front of me. But Amelia, no, she loved her food and wasn’t afraid to show it and yet still managed to stay beautifully slim.

I had to admit, they did look tasty. We’d been eating lunch at this place for over a year now. At first, it was the four of trainee teachers including our Professional Tutor until it dwindled down to just the two of us. I’m sure the others noticed I was interested in Amelia. Lunchtimes here were always so busy, but they were soon happy to take our order via telephone considering it was a 10-minute walk away from our school for it to be ready when we arrived.

‘I’m sorry for not getting back to you.’ Amelia looked nervous as we walked back to school but was smiling which was a good sign. I could tell she was feeling guilty, she had tried to make as many jokes at my expense during lunch. Those last fifty minutes felt like five seconds.

‘I’m also glad we have this time. I wondered-’

‘What are we doing here Amelia?’ I didn’t realise that I’d interrupted her. She hesitated. I’ve spoilt it, why did I have to ask? I had her where I wanted. I looked back from where we had walked thinking how marvelous a rewind button would be right now.

‘Matt, things are complicated right now. I’m just trying to figure out... stuff... I don’t know how I feel… it is too soon... I haven’t had enough, I don’t know…. Time? I don’t know.’

We approached the part of school where I had to leave her. I was annoyed at myself for bringing this up now when I clearly knew there wasn’t enough time to talk about it. But my frustration of not hearing or seeing her for a week came back to me realising that she clearly had made a conscious effort to avoid me at all costs and I hadn’t challenged her. I am such a fool.

‘I don’t know how long I can keep waiting for you to make up your mind. You either want to be with me or don’t. It’s really that simple.’ Why am I saying all of this?  But I couldn’t stop myself.

‘You either want more, or you don’t. Please, just stop taking me for a ride and avoid me when you don’t want to see me. You ignored me all last week. Don’t you think I deserve better?’ Was I really getting this angry at her? Did her avoiding me really affect me this bad?

She didn’t respond to my questions but quickened her pace moving away from me. I sighed and shook my head at myself. What have I done? I jogged towards her and grabbed her wrist to turn her around. This wasn’t the way I wanted to have this conversation and I’d let my frustration get the better of me. She flinched, pulling her hand away from me in a heartbeat. She held onto her wrist as if I’d released it from being tightly bound to me.

‘That hurts. WHAT are you doing?’ She stepped back; I shocked myself. I didn’t think I held her hand that tight to hurt her.

‘Amelia, look, I didn’t mean to hurt you.’ I was trying to make eye contact, pleading for an answer, wanting her close to me. How did this all go so wrong so quickly? ‘I didn’t plan on talking about this right this minute, but can we pick this up later?’ I went to place my hands on her shoulders to bring her closer to me. My mind racing through the different things that she could be thinking right now, but I wanted to feel her comfort at the same time despite knowing full well I’m the one who sprung this on her.

‘GET away from me,’ she was pushing my hands away with her arms. ‘DON’T touch me,’ she was flustered now.

‘Amelia?’ I was confused. I’d never seen her like this. Only a few days ago we shared our first kiss and now I stood in front of her, helpless, unable to read her. I searched her eyes for an answer. She was still avoiding eye contact; frowning at me, and her eyes were watery. I felt a wave of guilt, knowing that I had caused her to feel this way.

‘STAY away from me,’ she said with conviction in her eyes and then turned and ran away from me in her heels. Leaving me speechless.