Please love me?

Ever since I can remember I have been overweight. My mother took me to weigh less, dieticians, we tried every diet on the planet and it never worked. My sister was older than me and the perfect daughter. She got good grades, she had friends, she was beautiful inside and out. Our entire family loved her and when we were at gatherings I felt invisible as no-one ever spoke a word to me. I felt if I disappeared - would anyone even notice? I tried my best to do well in school. As a child I was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia. ADHD is excessice difficulty with the majority of inattentive criteria. Dyslexia causing problems with word recognition, spelling. I did terrible in sports, so I decided to become the best at academics so I can be good at something. When my mom saw my marks - for a moment I felt she was proud. But it did not last long. My mom was perfect as she never did anything wrong and I could never compete. When I was in matric I started hearing voices in my head. I thought I was going crazy. Turns out the voices was OCD that focussed on my religion. You get different types of OCD. Mine focussed on my religion, worsening my relationship with God.For years I struggled to get the correct combination of medication and in my matric year I could barely cope to study. I applied after school to become a nurse and did not get in due to having OCD. Six months later I got in with letter from doctor stating my OCD under control. When I started studying and working I gained even more weight for which I was frequently reminded of. While I studied I met this educator that told me I would never make it. I had this amazing nurse who came to me and said I must never give up and I did not. After two years I decided enough is enough. I lost 30kilograms over one year period. I ate healthy and this was my own diet I created. But is was not enough. I needed to lose more. I needed to eat less. I started eating once a day. When that was not enough anymore, I started using laxatives untill my BMI was 14. I never ate sweet things. I never allowed myself. But one random day I craved a chocalateo and I ate one. Than another and I thought it was strange but just the one day so it was fine. But then it kept happening - day after day. I started becoming depressed as I was gaining weight. What if I become fat as I was before? Boys finally started noticing me. I had my first boyfriend once I was thin and my first kiss at twenty one. I was already a loser, I couldn't go back. So that night when I overate for 10 days ongoing - my family went out - I took my chance as I did not see another way out. I took tablets, I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I could only hear the voices telling me how fat I am becoming.....