Go back 10 years

“Noah has died. He jumped off a building”. A notification popped up from the group chat. Bonnie was running on the treadmill when she saw it. Just a glance， she fell off the treadmill. By that moment she felt like she almost lost all her senses, she had a tinnitus attack and could only hear herself’s heartbeat. She was imprisoned on the floor and stared at her phone for minutes. “It’s not true, it’s not true,” she muttered. Tears coursed down her cheeks unchecked, she tasted her tears, bitter and salty, stinging her heart, twisting her stomach, just like the pain left by her first crush. Bonnie stood up slowly, walked back to her car, and started to drive home. She drove fast. She couldn’t help thinking of Noah. She thought she barely remembered his face, but the blurry face in her memory became more and more clear again. He had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. So pretty and deep like the ocean. When he looks at you, you just cannot look around, like he's the only person left in the world. “I still love him”, she thought, despairingly. She had been chasing after what she didn’t really want in her whole life and kept lying to herself that what she had chosen was what was good for her. she faked it so hard till she started to believe this was the life she wanted, and the person with her was the one she loved. “I buried the thought of chasing what I really want. I lost him once before, and now I lose him forever. I’m such a coward, he doesn’t even know that I love him. I’ll bring this to my grave” Bonnie was crying so hard and her hand even started to shake. She tried to calm down but her phone started ringing. Jacob is calling. He is Bonnie’s boyfriend. They have been together for 3 years. She took a deep breath as if already out of breath and answered the call. Jacob sounds run out of patience. “Where are you? I’m hungry, make some spaghetti for me tonight. Also, get some organic blueberries before you go home. Be quick.” Bonnie stayed silent for a while and didn’t reply. “ Can you hear me??” He asked again. “ Let‘s break up” Bonnie replied. “What??” A pause “But…. Why？”Jack sounded surprised. “ Because I don’t like you anymore. We were just getting used to each other”, Bonnie heard herself sigh. They have known each other for 10 years, since high school. Then he confessed his feelings to Bonnie when she graduated. She rejected him. After that, they happened to go to the same college and worked in the same city. He had a girlfriend during college. Bonnie and he also became friends. Jacob confessed again on her 23rd birthday after he broke up and he started getting closer to Bonnie’s life. Maybe she just didn’t want to lose a friend by that time. Maybe they were just too lonely. They ended up in a relationship. In retrospect, what they had for each other, is more like friendship, not love. There are no butterflies in her stomach. She said “ I know you still love your ex. I saw you text her before. We were just faking that we loved each other and pretending nothing happened. I know every time you said you went to your friend’s place, you were actually at her place. You are not getting her back yet just because she’s still with someone else, right? Deep down, we all know we are not gonna have a future together, so why are we still wasting our time? Let’s call it quits. Bye,” Bonnie spoke quickly and then hung up the phone without hesitation. She was too emotional to pay attention to mobile navigation at that time. She drove to the mountain road where there are no lights by accident. A car suddenly came around the corner and hit Bonnie’s car. She made a quick right turn but it was too late. “ This is it, I guess it’s over, a one-way street, just like my life, no way to turn around. I hope there is a U-turn and hope I can see Noah again, tell him that I love him.” This is the last thought of Bonnie before she loses her consciousness. “Waking up! Time for school “ A loud voice came from outside the door. Why did it sound like my Mom? Bonnie rubbed her eyes and didn’t fully wake up. “You gonna be late, hurry up, breakfast is ready!” That sound penetrates the door again. Wait, that’s my mom! Bonnie was fully awake now. She looked around and noticed that she was in her old room. She had already moved out of this place after she graduated from high school. Right now she should live in a different city. Why am I here? She stood up abruptly and looked around. She saw her high school textbook on the table. OMG!! No Way？？！！ “Mom!”, Bonnie ran out of the room and saw her younger mother sitting at the dining table. “ what year is this year?” Bonnie shouted. “ 2012, why? You‘ve lost your mind? “ mom answered. 2012??? Wow. That’s 10 years ago Nope, no, this is not real. Bonnie is stunned. She exhaled sharply and couldn’t process all this stuff. I've traveled through time? What happened to me ten years later? Was I already dead at that time? “ Why are you in a daze? Sit down and eat, you are late!!!” Mom started urging her again. “ It’s nice to see you mom” She smiled, kissed her mom on her cheek. “ I love you”. Bonnie said. Her mom stared at her and looked confused, but she stopped urging her. I’m not gonna hide my feelings this time, she thought. Bonnie finished her breakfast quickly and took the bus to her school. I’m gonna see Noah again. He is still alive. Bonnie sat on the bus and wept quietly. She took a deep breath and crossed her fingers: I’m happy to have another chance, this time I’m gonna make everything right. The air smelled so fresh and she couldn’t help smiling. She was all tears again, but this time she felt like the tears tasted sweet. Even sweeter than the syrup she added to the pancake this morning.