They Are Not Ordinary

CHAPTER 38

ASHTER STARR.

Empty... No that isn't enough to describe how I am feeling right now.

Tears were slowly falling down as I write at the paper that I tore out from my old notebook.

It was supposed to be for Damien, but I know to myself that he wouldn't see this nor did I have someone to deliver it to him. I just thought it's best to write my feeling down too.

Damien,

I want to write to you so I can let you know that you have let me down. I could write the words over and over again, but I realize it changes nothing. I could scream it at the top of my lungs and tell the world how much you've wounded me, but the past will not hear me or pay me any mind.

I don’t hate you for leaving. I don’t hold a grudge against you. I just know that I’ll always carry love for you once were.

Yes. I love you. I love you so much, Damien. This will be the first and the last time I will say this to you.

Thank you for making me always feel safe. and thank you for letting me love you so hard, that I could never ever hate you. I just wish you good health and be happy to wherever you are.

SINCERELY YOURS,

Ashter.

Is that truly what I want to write?

Because I can tell my heart is screaming different.

I have never felt this kind of pain before.

I hate it.

I really hate it.

It irritates me greatly.

Damien, you're a jerk.

Then, all of these feelings exploded inside me. I crumpled up the first paper and hurled it on the ground before ripping out a fresh piece of paper and started writing furiously on it.

I hate you. I hate you for leaving me with all these unanswered questions in my head.

After all, we've been through? You are just gonna leave without an explanation? I'm not a chewing gum you know, after you use me you are just gonna spit me out in the trash? Is that what you think of me? How f*****g selfish of you.

And most of all why did you do that?! Why did you give me hope!? Do I even mean anything to you!? Why did you kiss me?!

You were the reason for so many of my frustrations. A reason for a lot of my tears. A reason for a lot of dents in my broken heart. And amongst all these struggles, you showed me more of myself than I had ever gotten a chance to see.

I regret that I ever thought you could’ve meant anything you said to me. you manipulated and lied to me and I felt like I was on top of the world. and then you started being yourself. I hate that you’re perfectly fine and feel no remorse. I hate the fact that you stated you cared. I hate that you’re so incredibly beautiful and that I'm still so attracted to you but that you never wanted me. I hate that I was truthful while you were lying to my face.

I hate you!

I freaking hate you so much!!

I hate you.

I felt my stomach being tied in knots, feeling nauseous, dizzy even as a sobbed escaped in my lips that I didn't know I have been holding in. I eventually let it all out while clutching my chest painfully... I was weeping quietly because I didn't want I don't want my parents to hear me. I was screaming inside but I don't want to bother anyone.

I attempted to calm myself by resting my head on the table. When I realized I was calm enough, I resumed writing, although this time it wasn't as harsh as the first.

I hate that no matter how hard I try, I cannot hate you. You know who you are. You strolled into my life unannounced, and to my surprise, you grew on me. A lot. I never expected it to be honest.

Though this new version of myself was unfamiliar, it was an aspect of myself that I appreciated. Since moving to this place, I've felt more like myself. I was a more empathetic, considerate, and kind version of myself. It's because you greeted me with respect, you treated me with dignity and showed me how to value myself and for that matter, you showed me how I deserve to be treated. You showed me, love, you taught me the genuine meaning of life, and you basically showed me everything.

I hate that you are just gonna leave me after all those things... I just wish I could see you in person for the last time. I wanna hug you at least. That's all I wanted then maybe... I could let you go by then, even though it pains me so much...

I lifted the pen up I can feel my hands shaking so bad, I was breathing heavily from all the crying I did. I don't know what to write anymore... I just gave up and collapsed my head on the table, the overflowing tears wetting the piece of paper that I just made effort to write to. I don't really care anymore, I just want the pain to stop. it's too suffocating just like I'm about to sink, just like I'm about to melt.

So much hatred so much love... that's when I knew it's pure and true love. that one person you’ll regret losing.

I was so exhausted the whole day and after our, I got home I come home to read Damien's letter.

it's a good decision that I read it after the game.

But also a part of me wishes that I didn't read that. But also I am going to be impatient.

Without much energy, I dragged my feet towards my bed and collapsed on it. I stared at the ceiling for a long time.

I let out a shaky sigh before I tucked myself under my blanket.

Nothing mattered to me anymore, because I felt hopeless.

Hopeless, helpless, desperate even.

My eyes are swollen from the tears shed just moments ago, I let out a shaky breath. The soft sheets surrounding me provide warm comfort as I swing my legs up towards my chest, gripping onto the pillow beside me. I am super exhausted. My eyes have begun to shut. I started feeling at ease again. Maybe sleep will remove the pain away for now. All I can hope for is tomorrow to be a better day…

-

It feels like I had a long dream last night, but I don't remember much of the details.

The only thing I remember is that I feel really sad.

To be honest I didn't sleep a wink last night. How could I? After everything that happened with Damien.

I can't stop thinking about those hurtful words.

I have to stop thinking. I need to change my thoughts. That's it.

On top of my lack of sleep, I cried. A lot. Tears stained my pillow, I had a pounding headache due to dehydration, my eyes are burned and were puffy as could be, but none of that compare to the aching of my heart.

If this is what heartbreak feels like, I don't want to ever experience it again. I don't think my heart can handle that.

I hug the pillow against my chest and buried my face in it. My throat tightens up when I can just barely make out the scent of Damien. Memories of the countless night that we would spend together on my cute little bed.

Maybe I need some closure to let him go and for me to move on to my life without him.

Should I go and find him?

No that's crazy, I won't find him that easily even if I wanted to...

Gosh, why am I doing this to myself? I'm so stupid.

I shut my eyes tightly before aggressively throwing the pillow behind me, I heard it land with a faint thud on the ground.

I wiped my eyes and after a few minutes, I forced myself to sit up. Maybe if I take a long hot shower I will feel better somehow.

I rummaged through my closet and took a hoodie and sweatpants that Damien used to wear and a towel before I headed into the bathroom.

After I brushed my teeth, I turned the water on and waits patiently before steam rises over the top and fogs up the mirror before stepping inside.

I didn't know how long I'd been here in the shower, but my raisin-like fingertips were an indication that it might be time to get out.

It is Sunday today so I have nothing much to do, I tried to contact all of my friends but they are all busy. So I decided just to stay in my room for the whole day since I can't do anything fun coz I feel so empty inside.

I wish it was easy to make all of this pain go away. I don't want to ever feel like this.