Uncontrollably Falling For You

Chapter 19

"We really don't have to do this... it's not a big deal," Felix sighed. I shook my head, shoving my hands into my sweatshirt pocket.

"Two years is a big deal, Felix," I protested.

"Two years isn't a big deal when you think I still have the rest of my life... I guess that's how I'm looking at it," he explained, his tone quite despondent compared to what I was used to. I snorted with laughter and turned to look at him.

"Okay, Debbie Downer!" I snickered. "How you should look at it is two years with many more to come." We were walking about a block down from my house to Appalachian Brewing Company, a restaurant down the street. Felix was two years sober, and I was determined to buy him dinner. I'd never done anything for him... so I felt like it was the least I could do. "After we eat, we can go look at the f*****g ducks! Wouldn't that at least be fun?" I nudged his side with my elbow. He rolled his eyes, but a smile was creeping onto his face.

"Well, I do like the ducks..." He put his hands in his pockets, keeping his eyes ahead as we walked. It only took a couple minutes to walk there, and soon enough we were walking through the parking lot. We entered the restaurant, Felix still seeming reluctant, and we were seated. I was going to make it seem as little like a date as possible... I'd asked Jayla to come along, but she declined unfortunately. I knew part of the reason he was uncomfortable was because it was only the two of us. It didn't bother me that he would feel that way.. I completely understood. But I didn't think anybody would look as us and assume we were a couple... we didn't sound gay when we talked, we didn't look gay, and we didn't act gay. How would anybody know?

"So..," Felix began once we ordered ourselves some water. "How's school going?" My least favorite question anybody could ask.

"It's fine," I told him with a small sigh.

"Is everybody over the beginning of the year news?" he asked, raising an eye brow with a small grin on his face. I laughed and shrugged my shoulders.

"Oh, you know... I still get the occasional jeer here and there. I never confirmed it with the people who asked, so.. I think for the most part people are still unsure. Unless Olive's been running her big fat mouth." I shook my head at the thought, but he laughed.

"I wouldn't have ever thought she would do something like that. 'Big fat mouth' isn't how I ever thought of her," he snickered.

"Yeah, well... You didn't know her like I did. She's a really jealous and vindictive person when it comes down to it," I explained. Our waters came and we took our orders. He ordered some spicy burger, and I ordered their black bean burger. It wasn't my favorite thing, but I decided to give it another try. I continued talking when our waitress left. "You're jealous, too," I said quietly. "But in a more attractive way than she was..."

"Aww, I'm honored," he said sarcastically with a smirk. "Honestly, I always f*****g hated her. I was just nice to her for your sake."

"I kind of figured... but you were really good at pretending," I snickered. He nodded.

"Yeah, I've gotten pretty good at hiding my true feelings throughout the years," he sighed, looking lost in thought briefly. My brow furrowed at his remark, but I quickly assumed he meant about being gay. "Do you still see her at school?"

"Of course I do," I snorted. "I have two classes with her this semester." It was quite awkward, but luckily we didn't sit near each other in either of the classes.

"I don't think I would be able to keep myself from acting smug if I ever saw her again," he admitted. I laughed.

"Well, that wouldn't be anything new, you know." I began playing with the trash from my straw.

"Hey!" he protested. "You're making me sound like a shitty person!" He grabbed the trash from my hands, crumpled it into a little ball, and threw it at me.

"Am not!" I retorted, a smirk on my face.

"Jealous and smug?" he repeated from earlier.

"Well, when you say it like that...," I snickered.

It didn't take long for our food to come. After I took my first bite, I was reminded of why I never got the damn black bean burger. In the past, it was delicious- but then I think they changed how they made it. It wasn't very good. I didn't eat at Appalachian Brewing Company that often, so I always seemed to forget why I stopped ordering it. I tried to force down as much as I could, stopping when I ate half of it.

"You done?" Felix asked, almost finished with his burger. He ate very quickly. I shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess.. I don't like it very much," I admitted. He raised an eye brow, casting me an incredulous look.

"Haven't you had it before?" he asked. I nodded.

"Yeah, but they changed how they make it or something. It's not as good as it used to be," I explained. He laughed and shook his head.

"I'll eat it," he said before going back to his own food. For as thin as he was, he sure could eat a lot. I grinned and pushed my plate towards him before taking a sip of my water. Sure enough, as soon as he was done with his burger, he moved on to mine. "Eh," he remarked unimpressively after his first bite.

"I told you," I snorted. I picked at the remaining fries on my plate as he finished my meal, unsure if I was turned on or disgusted with the amount of food he had shoveled into his mouth in less than fifteen minutes. "Do you always eat so fast?" I asked, knowing he did. I just felt like picking on him.

"Iunno, why?" he asked. "You ate faster than me just now," he retorted before taking the last bite. I laughed.

"Yeah, because I was trying to eat it fast before I became too disgusted!" I explained. He sat back in his seat with a large sigh.

"I'm f*****g full," he announced.

"Yeah, no s**t!" I snickered. It didn't take long before the waitress came with the check, and I paid quickly. I noticed Felix looking at her, a slightly annoyed look on his face. I wasn't sure if he knew her, or if he just felt weird about me paying for us both. I decided not to ask.

"Thanks," he murmured once she was away from the table. I gave him a crooked grin and nodded.

"Not a problem...," I replied, waiting patiently for her to come back with my change. It didn't take long, and we were soon heading out of the building.

"Are we really gonna go see the ducks?" Felix asked once we were in the parking lot, pulling out cigarettes. I laughed and nodded.

"Sure... Not like they're far." There were a lot of ducks in Lititz. Across the train tracks, down the road a little from the restaurant there was a stream where they liked to swim. We turned down the road and began walking towards our destination. We walked off the road into the grass and peered down into the water. Sure enough, there was a big group of them swimming together. A few of them were on the opposite bank from us, laying down in the sun.

"They're so annoyingly cute," Felix admitted with a laugh. I nodded in agreement. There were black and white ones, which I always thought were pretty cool. As we were just finishing up our cigarettes, I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. I frowned slightly and pulled it out, looking to see it was my mom.

"Hello?" I answered my phone. I noticed Felix looking out of the corner of my eye.

"Mark!" My mom's voice sounded from the other side of the line, her tone very distraught. My heart immediately began pounding.

"What is it?" I asked, trying not to sound too panicked. I hardly ever heard her sound so upset. I glanced at Felix to see he looked slightly concerned as well.

"It's-" she sobbed. "Titus has GDV." Fuck... My stomach dropped.

"What..?" I wasn't sure what to say. "W-where is he?" I asked, panic rising in me.

"I have him at work. We tried to put a gastric tube down, but it wouldn't pass, so now he's going into surgery," she explained, keeping her composure enough to finish her sentence. My mom was extremely level headed with this type of thing, she had to be for her line of work... so hearing her so upset, I only assumed it didn't look very good.

"Jesus Christ!" I breathed. "I-I don't get it. I just saw him earlier today, and he was fine!" I hadn't seen him for a few hours... he'd been taking a nap with my mom in her room. She let out another sob.

"I know. I woke up and noticed something was wrong. I don't know how long it's been, but fuck...," she cried. "I know Great Danes don't have a long life expectancy, but shit.. I'm not ready for him to go yet."

"Mom!" I snapped. "Don't say that! He's gonna be fine!"

"Yeah.. yeah, you're right," she said quietly, but I don't think either of us were convinced. "I'll call you when he's out of surgery, okay?"

"Yeah, please do. I wanna come see him," I told her.

"Alright, sweetie. I gotta go." With that, she hung up. I took a deep breath and put my phone back in my pocket. Felix was looking at me, seeming hesitant to say anything. I flicked the butt of my cigarette, which had burnt out, onto the road.

"Soooo...," Felix began awkwardly. "You okay?" he asked.

"Titus has GDV and he's going into surgery now," I sighed. He looked slightly confused.

"What's GDV?" he asked. I sat down heavily on the grass.

"It's when their fuckin' stomachs flip over itself, and then it fills with gas and shit... it's bad stuff... We even got his stomach tacked when he was neutered, but it still f*****g happened..." I shook my head, staring ahead at the ducks. He was soon seated next to me.

"I'm sorry, Mark..," he said quietly.

"I don't want him to die," I breathed.

"What makes you think he will?" he asked.

"The panic in my mom's voice... She's been a vet tech for a long time. She knows when something is bad." I swallowed, urging myself not to cry. I didn't want to cry when there was still a chance he would be okay. He nodded, taking a deep breath as well. I was surprised when I felt his hand on the back of my neck. He ran his hand down my back briefly before returning it back to his side.

"You wanna go back home?" he asked. "You're gonna go see him, right?"

"Yeah.. Mom's gonna call when he's out of surgery," I told him before standing. He followed suit and we began walking back towards my house. Everything felt surreal now. I couldn't believe it was happening to us... We'd always done everything we could to help prevent it, and we certainly knew the signs. Yet it still happened.

I walked inside the house, Felix behind me, and stared into the empty living room. What would it be like without Titus running to greet us every time we came through the door? As soon as we were inside, Felix wrapped his arms tightly around me. I did the same in return and closed my eyes, burying my face in his neck. I knew he liked my dog, so he was probably concerned as well.

"It'll be okay," He said softly. I nodded, unsure of what to say. I hoped he was right...

>

Time went unbearably slow. I told Jayla the news, and she was upset as well. We all waited downstairs on the couch, and after about forty five minutes my phone rang. "Mom?" I answered quickly.

"Hey," she said back, her voice sounding very drained. "He's out. You wanna come see him?" she asked. I noticed that her voice was very tight, slightly strained. Was she trying not to cry?

"Yeah. Is he alright?" I asked, my heart pounding out of my chest.

"Just get here, Mark..," my mom sighed. My stomach immediately dropped. Something was wrong.

"Alright. We'll be there." I didn't even wait for her to respond before hanging up. "He's out. We need to go see him..," I told Jayla and Felix.

"Did he do alright?" Jayla asked as we stood.

"I don't know, she just said we need to come see him," I sighed. I felt a hand on my shoulder as we walked and glanced over to see it was Felix. He had a dismal expression, and I had a feeling we all knew the prognosis.

Felix drove us to the city. It didn't take too long, but it sure felt like it did. Eventually we pulled into the small parking lot of the emergency center. We parked and got out, walking swiftly to the door. We entered the building, a couple people sitting in the waiting room, worried expressions on their faces. They were probably going through a similar situation. I always hated going to my mom's work. Seeing the pets and the people was always hard.

"Hey guys," Shelby, one of the receptionists, greeted sympathetically. "You can go right back." We nodded and headed to the back of the hospital. When we entered, I immediately headed for the runs, where the large dogs were kept. I looked in anticipation to see Titus laying on the ground in a run, bundled in a blanket the best he could be. He had IV fluids running, and I also noticed he was attached to an ECG machine. He was breathing slowly, his eyes open but staring ahead blankly. My mom stood up from her seat in front of him as soon as she saw us.

"Hey, guys," she greeted sadly, her eyes red and puffy from crying. I looked back down at my dog, my heart wrenching just looking at him. I knelt down and pet his head. He feebly looked up at me, but did not move. Not even a tail wag. "He had some buprenex- plus the ketamine and valium... so he's pretty out of it," she explained. I nodded, swallowing hard.

"So what's going on, Mom?" Jayla asked quietly. My mom sighed loudly, and when I looked up, she was staring at the heart monitor.

"He's having arrhythmia," she explained. "We did everything we could. So now.. we just wait," she told us. I nodded slowly, leaning down to wrap my arms around Titus the best I could. I scooted so that he had his head in my lap, and Jayla moved to kneel next to him. "It's not looking good.." I heard her mutter to Felix. "I feel so f*****g guilty. What kind of CVT am I?" she snorted.

"You can't think like that..," Felix said softly. "I know it's hard- trust me... but you can't."

"He arrested on the table.. We already gave him some epi, and we've even had him on a lidocaine drip.. but it's not helping very much," she sighed. As I listened to her speak, I knew it was going to be the last time I saw my dog. I had a bad feeling about it. I think we all knew it.

I wrapped my arms around Titus's head and let my forehead rest again his. I closed my burning eyes and took a deep breath in. "I love you so much, buddy," I whispered before giving him a kiss. I wasn't ready to say good bye. But I don't think anybody is ever really ready to say good bye to their furry friends. A few moments after, Felix sat down beside me, reaching forward to pet him.

We stayed for about a half an hour, but I could tell my mom was getting antsy. I wasn't sure if his arrhythmias were getting more frequent or what, but she kept looking at it, listening to his heart with her stethoscope, and she just seemed more on edge the longer we were there.

All three of us said good bye, none of us happy to do so. I walked out of the run, glancing behind me once more, fully aware that it would probably be the last time I set eyes on Titus. My throat felt tight at the thought. I blinked away the moisture building in my eyes, and we turned to leave.

We drove home silently. I glanced over at Felix at one point, feeling kind of bad he had to be stuck in the middle of it. I didn't think he minded, but I still felt kinda bad. I sighed and reached over to take his hand briefly when we were at a stop light. He grinned and gave it a quick squeeze before letting go to shift out of first gear as the light turned green.

We were almost home when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I almost didn't want to get it. I took a deep breath and looked to see mom had texted me. My heart began beating faster. I opened the text message, knowing what was going to be said before I even saw it.

'Titus is gone.' That was it. That was all that needed to be said. I bit my bottom lip, my brow furrowing. I didn't tell them. I didn't want to talk about it in the car. I knew it was okay to cry, but I for whatever reason I didn't want to in front of both of them. I stared out the window, wiping away a tear forming in the corner of my eye, and tried not to think about it.

Once we were parked, I got out of the car immediately. I walked across the street and unlocked the front door before going inside. That's when it hit me. He would never come running up to greet me again.. I took a deep, shaky breath, my eyes watering. I glanced over my shoulder as Jayla and Felix walked in.

"He's dead," I murmured. "Mom texted me.." I shook my head and turned to walk towards the living room. I quickly went upstairs and turned into my room. I left the door open, knowing Felix would come in, and laid down on my bed. I finally allowed myself to cry. I buried my face in my hands and cried. I couldn't f*****g believe it. He'd been fine that morning. Nothing wrong in the least. Now he was dead.

I heard my door shut from behind me, and shortly after I felt the weight of somebody sitting down. I turned to see Felix sitting, looking very solemn. I sat up and scooted closer, immediately wrapping my arms around him. I buried my face in his neck and let out a sob.

"I'm so sorry, Mark...," he said softly, holding onto me tightly. I didn't know what to say. I didn't really want to talk about it.. that would only make me more upset. So, instead, I cried into the crook of his neck for a while. I could feel how wet his shirt was becoming from my continuous tears.

Eventually, I got a hold of myself and pulled back, wiping my eyes. "I hate crying in front of people..," I said dully. "Makes me feel like a pussy." He shook his head, rubbing my back lightly.

"You have every right to cry over this," he assured me. I nodded and leaned into him once more.

"I'm gonna miss him so much," I whispered, taking in a shaky breath.

"Yeah... I'll miss him too, and he wasn't even my dog," he agreed.

"Will you stay here with me tonight?" I asked quickly, the realization that he was probably going to go home soon hitting me.

"Yeah." He sounded a bit taken aback, but not upset. "Of course I will.. I just have to leave for work tomorrow." He kissed the top of my head.

"Thanks," I breathed.

"For what?" he asked lightly.

"For staying..," I whispered. "I don't wanna be alone tonight."

"I'll always be here when you need me to be...," he said softly, gripping on tightly to me. My aching heart warmed to the best of it's ability at his statement. I was lucky to have him. I was beginning to wonder what I would do with myself if he weren't in my life..