Something more to hold

“Falling in love is easy but staying in love is the hardest” I read it in some story that I’ve been following during high school. It got me to thinking for a few hours before I get what it really meant. I know how difficult it will be when a person stays in love but I never felt it until I was the one who experienced it. Mabagal ang lakad ko habang marahang pinagmamasdan ang bawat sulok nang Saint Martin’s High School. Pagkatapos nang sampung taon pagkatapos kong mag graduate sa eskwelahang ito, ito ang unang beses na tumapak ako muli sa paaralang ito. Sumibol ang hangin at agad naramdaman nang aking balat kung gaano ito kalamig. I was wearing a black body hugging dress with a slit on the right side of my legs. My short wavy hair compliments with my look. Nasa may soccer field pa lang ako pero rinig na rinig ko na ang tugtug nang banda sa may gym. Today was our batch’s reunion. Today…I will see the people I have been together for my entire youth days before I decided moving to the city. “Gab!” tawag ni Cristal na nakatayo sa may entrance nang Gym. She was wearing a floral dress, sa tabi niya ang asawa niya na nakilala noong nag college siya sa Bacolod. Ngumiti ako sa kanya at kumaway. She walked towards me and we meet half way. Agad niya akong niyakap. “Gaga, namiss kita.” sabi niya habang mahigpit akong niyakap. I chuckled. Niyakap ko rin siya pabalik. “Anong namiss? Kakakita lang natin last week sa Manila. May teacher’s conference ka doon di ba? Saan nga ulit iyon?” Humiwalay siya sa akin at natawa nang kaonti bago nagsalita. “Sa UST.” sagot niya. “Pero kahit na, noh! I’m still overwhelmed to see my highschool bestfriend after all these years! Nagkahiwalay lang tayo noong nag college na!” pagpapatuloy niya pa. Ngumiti ako. “Grabe noh,” saad ko at huminga nang malalim. I looked at to the walls of our alumni’s gym. Noon, hindi pa ito closed at wala pa itong aircon. Pero ngayon…marami na ngang nagbago. Somehow, memories of this school flashing back to mine. Unti-unti. Simula nong pag tapak ko dito hanggan noong umalis ako. Somehow…it feels like it happened yesterday but in reality, it was years ago. Marami nang nagbago. “We were just a bunch of teenagers trying to think and discover our path. We were once a dreamer in this school,” sabi ko habang ina-alala ang kahapon. Cristal sweetly smiled to me. “Yeah, you’re right.” Her eyes soften. “During those time, ang assignment and si crush lang ang inaatupag natin,” sagot niya. Pareho kaming natawa. Remembering how we always do crazy stuff during highschool days. Kung paano kami bumibisita sa gym. Kung paano kami tumatakas para kumain sa canteen. Kung paano kami mag cutting para pumunta sa putol na tulay. Kung paano kami nangarap, nagkagusto at nainlove. Ang bilis naman nang panahon. “It feels nostalgic,” mahina kong saad. Tumango siya. “It looks like a movie in my mind,” she replied. Pareho kaming natahimik. Hinayaan lang namin ang sarili mag-alala sa kanya-kanyang alaala. Her husband walks towards us. Ngumiti muna ito sa akin bago pinalubot ang kanyang kamay sa bewang nang asawa. Cristal immediately smiled at him and closes her eyes when he kissed her forehead. Matamis akong ngumiti sa nasaksihan bago iniwas ang tingin. “You know what, Gab? Mas magandang mag reminisce sa loob! Nandoon sila Arjay and Lily.” “Mabuti pa nga,” sagot ko. Nagsimula nang maglakad ang mag-asawa sa unahan ko papasok nang Gym. Gina—one of our classmate and president during our senior years was the one who greeted us at the entrance. Binigyan niya ako nang bulaklak na bracelet na may numero. Para daw iyon sa paraffle mamaya. Nakakatawa lang kasi mas lalong nadedepina ang pagiging matanda namin dahil sa paraffle nila. At ang mas nakakatawa pa, we all look forward to it. I guess being at our late twenties makes us realize how essential the house stuff are. At dahil isa sa organizer si Cristal, nasa iisang table lang din kami, kasama sila Arjay at Lily. The two are still the same, partner in crimes pa rin. “Talagang hindi na kayo nag hiwalay ah.” asar ni Cristal sa dalawa na ngayon ay natatawa sa kung anong bagay. Umirap si Arjay. “Vebz, hindi mabubuhay ang bruhang ito kapag wala ako,” nguso niya kay Lily na agad rin siyang hinampas sa braso. “Anong ako? Sa pagkakaalam ko mamsh, sinundan mo ako sa USC kasi ayaw mong sumunod sa yapak nang lolo mo. You ditched military academy and proceeded with Law.” irap ni Lily. Napangiti ako sa asaran nang dalawa. Kahit lumipas man nang napakaraming taon, may mga bagay na hindi magbabago. Tahimik akong uminom nang wine habang nakatitig sa apat na tao sa harapan ko. There are things changed. I admit. Habang nakatingin sa mga kaibigan na masayang nag-uusap o di kaya habang nakikisalo sa mga kabatch na ngayon ay may mga pamilya at propesyon na sa buhay, alam kong marami na ang nagbago. People grew up. People learned. But there are also people who stayed. Not physically, but internally. Napalunok ako. I stared to Luis, the Vice-President of our batch as he delivers his welcome address. “Welcome batch 2017-2018, let this be our reminder that even though our youth ends, the memories we had weren’t. So let’s enjoy the night as we walk in our memory lane,” he said before raising his wine. People cheered. I clapped my hands. May kung anong uminit sa dibdib ko nang marinig ang sinabi niya. It was heart warming. It was too much of happiness and nostalgia. Nagpatuloy ang program. There are a lot of trivia games and memory stories. Napapatawa ako minsan sa mga jokes nila. Somethings just never change. “Alam mo…” napatingin ako kay Arjay nang nagsalita siya. “Alam ko naman na we are already in our late twenties, pero ang weird pa rin makita na may mga anak at asawa na ang ka batch natin,” aniya. I chuckled. “Yeah, you’re right.” Umirap si Cristal. “Excuse me,” sabi niya kaya napatingin din kami sa kanya na nakasandal ang ulo sa balikat nang asawa. “I’m married,” Arjay scoff. “Oh? Mamatay ang nagtanong, Cristal.” I giggled. Lily punched Arjay on his arm “Gaga, bitter ka lang kasi until now wala ka paring jowa” “Excuse me—“ “Dadaan ka?” bara ko. Umirap siya. “Ang old na nang mga humor niyo. Tse,” depensa niya. Napailing ako. Akala ko matatapos na doon ang usapan namin, but Arjay leans himself forward and whispered, “Pero totoo talaga vebz, parang teenage pregnancy ang dating, alam mo yun? So weird. We are already passed on that age already,” aniya. Umiling nalang ako at hindi na nagsalita but I know what he meant by it. I jusy didn’t commented. Lily then argued with Arjay. Hindi ko na nasundan ang pag-uusapan nila nang mahagilap nang aking mata ang isang video na pinapalabas sa screen. It was a young girl and a young boy cleaning the yard. They were supposed to swept the field but they end up running around and teasing. It was only the background of the main focused in the video, pero hindi iyon nakaligtas sa mga mata ko. My heart beat skipped. Napaayos ako sa pag-upo at binaba ang tingin sa wine glass. We can remember a lot of things. But we choose what to remember and we choose what aren’t. Magandang umalala, pero delikado kung hahalukayin mo ang lahat. There are things needs not to touch. And as for me…this is the memory I do not want to remember. “Sorry, I’m late.” Para akong binuhusan nang malamig na tubig nang marinig ang boses niya sa may bandang likuran ko. It was only a whisper. Pero kahit ganon, narinig ko pa rin. I didn’t bother to look at it. “It’s okay, bro. You didn’t missed anything pa naman,” rinig kong sagot ni Jason sa kanya. Kumurap-kurap ako. I watched my reflection to the glass. “Oh, Gabriel’s here na.” turo ni Lily sa may likuran ko. Napalingon din si Arjay. Agad siyang ngumiti. “Oh my…my highschool crush turns out to be a person we expected him to be,” he giggled. The four of them looks at my back. Nanatili akong hindi lumingon. I normally shifted my gaze to the front kung nasaan nagsasalita si Hannah and Raze, ang EmCee sa reunion na ito. I want to run. Gusto kong umalis. Magtago. Pero mas nananaig ang kagustuhan kong manatili. Bakit ko na naman gagawin iyon? Wala akong kasalanan sa kanya. Wala akong ginawang masama. Hindi ako ang dapat makaramdam nang ganito. Hindi ako. Kahit kailan, hindi ako ang nagkulang. He was the one who ended our relationship. He was the one who entered my life and wrecked it. “I remember him very active in school activities and…” tumigil nang pagsasalita si Arjay kaya napalingon ako sa kanya. He quietly put his imaginary hair at the back of his ear. “Well…” his voice shifted to a very womanly voice. “very smoking hot during high school,” Tumango si Lily. “He was the campus heartthrob after Leon.” she even blushed at the end of her sentence. Siningkitan naman ni Arjay and Cristal si Lily nang mata. Umiwas ako nang tingin at hinayaan ang sarili na makinig nila Hannah. I am not a bitter person. I just don’t want to reminisce memories…especially when it comes to him. “Well, what can we say? Leon and Gabriel are cousins. I guess it runs in their blood?” wika ni Arjay. Lumunok ako. The EmCee announces another trivia questions. My batch mates were actively participating. Tahimik akong sumasagot but I never raised my hand. Mas lalong natawa ang audience nang makita ang iba’t ibang premyo tuwing nananalo. Paminsan, walis-tingting, dustpan, at meron pang condom. “Practice safe s*x,” wika ni Raze. “I don’t think we are at the age of should be aware about this. But still though…” tawa ni Hannah. Umiling ako at natawa rin. The program went back to memory lane once again. “Ofcourse, hindi naman mawawala sa ating highschool years ang intrams and sport fest! Let’s honor our youth athlete as well,” wika ni Hannah. I licked my lowerlips. They suddenly shows video clipped of our intrams and sportfest. I saw a lot of pictures as well. Nandoon rin ang picture ni Gabriel na may hawak na champion trophy. Pagkatapos non ay iilan pang pictures namin. My cheeks heated when I saw my picture, sweating under the sun, selling ice candy during intramural days. “Wow, hindi halatang magiging senior magazine editor,” asar ni Arjay. Umiling ako. Pagkatapos non, pinakita ang mga videos nang sports fest. Mostly, the basketball team. I heard the former varsity’s cheer. My eyes were fixed on the screen. But the more I do it, mas lalo akong nagiging uncomfortable. It was mostly…him. Yumuko ako. I played with my wine glass. “Grabe talaga si Gabriel noon, nuh?” Arjay suddenly said. “Halos lahat noon, gusto siya eh,” si Lily. “I guess that what you get for being the president and basketball captain,” komento ni Cristal. I drink my wine when Raze asked Gabriel to come in front. Humarentado nang husto ang puso ko. Lalo na nong naglakad siya sa gilid nang aming lamesa. He walked passed me. Kahit hindi ko sinasadya, a very familiar perfume invaded my memories. I firmly watched his back walked gracefully towards the stage, until he comes up. He was smiling. He was laughing. He…is looking good. May kung anong kirot akong naramdaman. Embes na ipagpatuloy ang panonood sa kanya, hinayaan ko ang sarili maglibang sa aking wine glass. “Gab,” Napa angat ako nang tingin kay Lily. “Yes?” Ngumiti siya sa akin. “Hindi ba same kayo nang university ni Gabriel?” bigla niyang tanong kaya napatingin din sila Arjay, Cristal at ang asawa nito sa akin. “Oo nga!” biglang wika ni Arjay nang may maalala. “He likes you so much during higschool, to think na sinundan ka niya sa kung anong university ka mag-aaral?” Cristal nodded. “Yes! and I remembered you two being close to each other before the school year ends,” Napakurapkurap ako sa kanilang tatlo. Bakit naalala nila ito ngayon? It wasn’t supposed to be remembered. Nilingon ko ang stage at laking gulat ko nang makitang nagtama ang tingin naming dalawa. I stared at him as he stared at me as well. His eyes were serious. Para kang hinihila patungo sa kanya kahit tinititigan ka lang. He still has this effect…even after all these years. He looks matured now…ibang-iba sa nakilala noon. Raze and Hannah were talking to him but his eyes never left mine. Tumibok nang husto ang puso ko. This…This is absolutely absurb. How can he looks at me like that? After all these years? “Never ba naging kayo?” tanong ni Lily. Arjay shriek. “Omg! Naging kayo?” he almosy shouted. Lumunok ako. Iniwas ko ang tingin kay Gabriel sa stage at nilingon ang apat na naghihintay nang isasagot ko. “Hindi.” No one knows about us. No one knows between us. It was always been private. We liked it that way. And I guess it will stay like that. Everyone knows how Gabriel likes me during higshchool. But no one knows what happened during college, after college and during us. Most of the time…love is not enough. Sometimes we crave for something…something that makes us to hold on more. I glanced back to stage. Gabriel was now walking back towards his table…palakad pabalik…palakad sa direksyon ko. His eyes stayed in mine. I stared at him. And when he reached my direction, he walked forward. I stared forward. I guess…this is all we can ever have. The acceptance of an ending.