Perfectly Broken

(15) Lesson Learned

My fists tightened to see Chelsea wrapping her arms around Ryan happily while we toured the cabin. Anger would encase me until I'd eventually looked away and focused on something else.

There were four bedrooms and I claimed one. Tori and I were supposed to share but I had a hunch she'd be sneaking to Jude's room. It amazed me that she had no embarrassment about letting people know they were already having s*x after only meeting the other night. It confused me despite my s****l past.

"Do you all want Chinese or pizza?" Alec asked, picking up the cabin phone.

By the way, I was once again a little aggravated with him for inviting Chelsea. Why? I really don't know. Ryan and I were over but watching Chelsea leeching onto Ryan, telling him how much she missed him. It sparked something within me, boiling in the pit of me and slowly rising.

Jude, who was lounging on the plush couch, inserted his option. "How about you get both? I'll help you pay."

Alec shook his head. "I got it." The rich boy Alec, I scoffed mentally.

Tori came running out the back happily, skipping on the tile floors into the living room. "There's an inside pool! Come on, I don't want to be the only one swimming!" She grabbed my arm before I even realized she was close enough to touch me. I yanked Jude by the collar, not letting her take me by myself. He stumbled a moment before he caught himself, following us.

The indoor pool was vast, the pool alone the size of my bedroom doubled. I snatched my hand when Tori ran to jump into the deep end of the pool. I knew how to swim but I liked to get in gradually because I was familiar with the icy prickles of jumping in. Jude jumped in after, the water washing over his head and catching Tori off guard when she came up for air. Watching them on the edge, I inhaled the intoxicating scent of chlorine, remembering my many swimming classes as a kid.

"You look like you want to swim," a voice startled me.

As if I wasn't startled enough he pushed me into the water, my yelp being muffled by waves of water devoured me. A hundred icy needles pricked into me and I bit my lips to hold in the gasp wanting to protrude. My foot felt the pool floor and a wicked idea lit up in my mind, forcing myself further down. It wasn't long before my bottom hit the concrete surface, sitting cross-legged and not daring to open my eyes. I was wearing contact and there's chlorine in the pool, do the math.

I counted the seconds in my mind, knowing I could hold my breath for just under a minute.

1...I twirled my fingers through the water...3

4...My hair floated around, making me feel weightless...6

7...8...9...The water heated around me, no longer chilling...11...12...13...14...

15

A movement in water put pressure against my backside, jolting me forward a smidge. Then I felt arms wrap around me, muscles carrying me to the surface. Even underwater, I knew it was Ryan swimming me to the surface, his embrace comforting in a way. So I basked in it for that second until oxygen slammed into our lungs, and I inhaled it, gasping although I knew I'd survive.

Breathing heavily, I shook the water off me, wiping it off my eyelids. I could feel Ryan's warm breath against my body, his grasp on me unfaltering. "Are you alright, Emma?"

I caught my breath before smiling at him, his features turning skeptical. "Yeah, I was just meditating on the floor." I swam out of his arms, continuing to give him a vindictive smile. I knew it was his voice before he pushed me.

He wore a confused expression, his mouth opened slightly until he realized I purposefully stayed down. Then his square jaw tight, his hazel eyes squinting at me. "You could have come up anytime and you stayed down there to scare me half to death?"

"You shouldn't have pushed me," I shot back, squinting back at him.

His hands were on his hips below the water, tall enough to touch the ground easily. His black t-shirt clung to his muscular chest, his biceps and sculpted abs exposing. I forced my eyes to him, ignoring the incentive to stare, to see he noticed my eyes on him. The corner of his lip tilted and he pushed through the water, walking closer to me. His eyes looked devious like he'd punish me.

"Well, isn't this just a lesson learned," he mused, his body slowly pressing against me. I leaned away. His hand grasped the small of my back and a devious smirk to match his eyes settled on his lips.

Abruptly, he pulled me back into the water, dragging me to the deep end until our heads were submerged and our feet couldn't touch the floor. He allowed me to be confused for only a moment before his lips crashed into mine, pulling me closer beneath the water. Even with water mingled in, I could feel the electrifying feeling his lips gave me. It was pleasant and addictive, the euphotic sensation making me crave more. I didn't notice how much I wanted the sensation until the need to have it crawled all over my body. How could he do this to me and Alec couldn't?

Pulling away with little oxygen, I swam in any direction I could, rushing until I felt the floor and the tile edges of the pool. Gasping for breath, I wiped my eyes off and looked over my shoulder at him to scowl.

Good thing I left because Chelsea had just emerged and was now dipping into the water, walking seductively towards Ryan who was finally rising out of the water. She resembled a water goddess which only sent a wave of envy through me. I looked away when she reached Ryan, wrapping her arms around his shoulders.

Swimming to the shallow end to get out, I thought to myself. I cared about Ryan, and I knew it was the s*x jealousy invading my thoughts. But this is what we wanted. Me being with Alec and him with Chelsea, so it was alright, right? Either way, I couldn't convince myself wholeheartedly before walking out, grabbing a towel on the table to dry off.

Tori soon pattered her way towards me. "Hey, Emma, you alright?" she asked, grabbing a towel herself.

I nodded absently. "Yeah."

"You know, even though we haven't known each other that long if you ever need to talk, I'm here."

Eyeing her over, I saw she was sincere with her words and she looked worried about me. I sighed, "Can we talk about something?"

"Anything," she smiled.

"Will he be alright?" I asked, head tilting to Jude still swimming laps in the pool.

She rolled her eyes, grabbing my arm. "He's a big boy. Come, we'll talk in the room." I nodded and followed but not before looking over at Ryan and Chelsea despite my better judgment.

My heart ached at the sight of them laughing, Chelsea whispering in his ear which cracked him up more. I've never seen him smile so much. It was beautiful, pearly, white smile that radiated and sent my heart in a bewildered state. And at the same time, it only split it in two that she could make him smile like that.

Looking away, I followed Tori to our room, dripping water on the floor along the way. Once in the room, I headed to my suitcase to get some clothes to change while Tori just stared at me. "Is this about Ryan or Alec?" she asked matter-of-factly.

"Both." I grabbed my clothes and headed to the walk-in closet to change, continuing to talk to her through it.

"Was Ryan an ex?" she asked. I slipped on my new shirt, hearing the bed creak when she sat down.

"Nope," I sighed. "More like...friends—who somewhat get along—with benefits." I finished changing and walked out to see her purse her lips, sitting cross-legged on the bed. I sat beside her, feeling the neighing need to spill my guts and get this weight off my shoulders. "I'm going to tell you something but promise never to tell another soul, promise?"

She presented her pinky with a genuine smile, dimples in her cheeks exposing. I locked mine with hers. "I promise."

So I told her everything. I told her about Ryan and I's relationship beginning three months ago and also how much of a jerk he'd been since elementary school. Saying all of it, I wondered why I was growing attached to him all of a sudden. I blamed it on the s*x. But looking at Tori, I sensed that it was something more. I also told her about my feelings for Alec which she frowned at, however, I continued, talking about telling Ryan my feelings on Thursday night. She gasped when I told her the next day I woke up with Alec and hadn't a clue how I came to be there.

And after my lengthy confession, she spoke, "Wow...sex friends, hmm?" She savored the name, nodding in acceptance before plopping her back on the floor. Her blue eyes conveyed her non-biasedness, making me sigh in relief. "I've been on that train before, Emma, and never once have I looked at my 'friends' the way you look at Ryan. I don't think it's—what did you call it?—'s*x jealousy' that you're experiencing when you see him with Chelsea. I think you more than care for him—hell, I think you more than like him."

"But what about Alec?" I still loved Alec, he was my best friend, my confidante, but since Friday morning, we've grown distant. We don't talk, don't touch, or don't look at each other the same way. And if we do, it's obviously forced.

Her lips tightened, twirling her hair around her finger. "I haven't known you both for that long but I can tell your feelings for him are one-sided and, I'm sorry to say, should be disregarded so you can mend your friendship before it becomes more awkward than it already is. You should go after Ryan instead."

Although a piece of me knew she was right and hell, I'd love to have Alec as a friend back, but still, I was in the prime with him. We've had s*x (despite not remembering), our friendship started to crack that night. If I break it off, it might as well be flipping Alec off. It'd be telling him to suffer the awkwardness alone since I couldn't remember. Regardless of my feelings for him shrinking and Ryan's growing, it wouldn't be fair for either.

"Alec's probably feeling strongly for me after sleeping together," I defended weakly. "Plus, Ryan's with Chelsea now. She's always had his heart and it'd be futile to allow my feeling for him to grow if they can mend their relationship."

She sat up when the doorbell rang, stretching her arms. She gave me a stern look. "Emma, you can't always tell what a person's truly feeling by just looking. Sometimes you have to fight your fears and ask. Ask both Alec and Ryan, that's the only way you'll know." I nodded and she stood up, giving me a sympathetic smile. "You coming?"

I shook my head. "Later."

Hesitating a moment she told me, "Don't fret over it too much. This is supposed to be a fun spring break and I'd be damned if my best friend wasn't having fun."

Feeling a smile touch my lips, I gave her a confused look. She was really pretty, I'm sure she had a lot of friends much cooler than me in Nevada. "Best friend?"

She looked down, eyes flicking to me occasionally. "I know I'm not your best friend per se since you have Alec. I just...I've never had a true friend before, always moving, going between my divorced parents like a tennis ball. And after years of moving, I gave up friendships knowing I'd leave eventually, but this times different. It feels good knowing I have a friend—even if I'm not their best friend—it's still comforting."

Her words touched my heart. "I can have more than one best friend, you know."

She smiled. "Thanks, Emma." Pivoting, she walked out the door and closed it behind her, leaving me to ponder on her words. When I kiss Alec, there's nothing between us, a part of me knew there'd never been, but it'd mean years of going after him—loving him—meant nothing. He'll no longer be my protector. I felt secure at the thought of Alec and I being together forever because that's all I've ever known. Yes, I can protect myself now, but being without Alec was like being out of my comfort zone. Even the time I was mad at him and refused to talk to him broke me.

Knock-Knock.

"Come in," I said. I'd been lying on my back, staring at the ceiling thinking. It was probably someone telling me the foods here so I could eat with everyone.

"Wow, lying on your back and everything," Ryan joked. "Or were you in this position for Alec?" His tone was playful before he said Alec's name.

I sat up, glaring at his leaning posture, wearing a fresh undershirt and khaki shorts that showed off his toned calves. "Neither. Why are you here?"

He only stood a yard in front of me, eyes scanning me, creating a whirlwind of fervor in my stomach I attempted to sustain. "Are you happier with Alec or with me?"

My breath hitched in my throat, my heart skipping a beat at the question. His expression was blank, eyes trained on me, lips tight in a line. I looked away once silence took over longer than expected. "Why does it matter? We have the people we truly want."

"Truly want." He savored the words, clenching his jaw as thought coursed through his mind, making me curious for the reaction. He looked like he was about to laugh at them, a smirk snapping on his lips before rapidly disappearing. He took a step towards me, bending down and surprisingly capturing my lips again.

It wasn't the gentle kind either. It was rough and hungering, his body pressing down on me until he was lying on the bed with me. The intoxicating feeling rushed over me, his lips moist from the pool, prying my mouth open for access. His teeth tugged on my bottom lip, making me moan which only turned him on, the kiss becoming more sensual. Overwhelmed by the sensation, I obliged, his tongue dancing around with mine.

This will be the last time I'll let him touch me, I told myself, bask in it.

I did profoundly, wrapping my arms around his shoulders to deepen it. I wanted to memorize the taste of his mouth, the movement of his tongue, the smoldering feeling of his body against mine. Inside, it was like being submerged in all things pleasurable in the world. And the urge to cry that I'd never experience this again pinged in my soul.

He pulled away breathlessly, his eyes blazing bewilderedly. "Is Alec—that inconsiderate, manipulative, backstabbing asshole—who you truly want?"

Angry penetrated my heart at the words, making me scowl at him that he'd say those things about Alec. I've been best friends with him long enough to know he was none of them. Unable to control myself, I pushed him away harshly, the pleasant feelings replaced with dread.

"Yes, he is!" I spat, hating that he made me flip from cloud nine to hell in a second. Why was he doing this? He had Chelsea! He just wanted to hurt me again, make me fall for him, throw Alec away, then leave me. "He's the one I want! Not some idiotic, evil-hearted jerk like you! Alec is everything you aren't and you're just jealous because you always need to have power over everything. And it hurts you knowing you won't have power over me anymore."

He took a step back, scoffing in pain. "Power? You think I only want you so I can dominate you?" Pain coursed his eyes, scowling in anger as he bit down on his lips in disgruntled thought. "You know what? Forget it, Emma! For the past three months, I've tried to convince you that you're precious to me, but I guess my actions remained overlooked! So I'm done! If you want Alec, go ahead! I'll turn my back when he ends up hurting you more than he already has!"

Ryan was heading towards the door, reaching it just when my voice broke out. "Alec hasn't hurt me and he would never!"

He chuckled sinisterly. "Oh, you don't have a f*****g clue how stupid you sound! If you knew the truth about him, you'd be thinking you were stupid for saying that too!" I couldn't speak before he marched out, slamming the door loudly behind him, making me flinch.

What did he mean the truth? I knew the truth about Alec. I've been by his side for years. In that time, I'd surely know everything there is to know about him. And how would he know? They both can hardly stand each other to even speak with breaking out in an argument.

That second, I heard the gradual pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof, staring blankly at the wall for so long. During that time, the rain growing strong, ringing in my ears, a knock sprung on the door. I didn't say anything, hearing it click open then close.

"Emma," Alec voiced, breaking me out of my trance. "Are you alright? I heard shouting."

Blankly, I looked at him, admiring the way his dark hair fell into his face. He was so handsome, usually making my heart swell with happiness at the sight, but now, I felt numb to it. "Alec, is there something I don't know about you...that Ryan does?"

His expression turned dour at the mention of Ryan, a heated glaze caressing his features. "Whatever he said is bull. You shouldn't believe everything that moron says."

For the first time in the longest, I got off the bed, peering at him questionably. "And what would he say?"

The question caught him off track, his eyes dimming solemnly before turning away with his hands clenched at his sides. "Nothing you need to worry—"

"What don't I know, Alec?"

"Nothing!" I grimaced at his tone and he could see the surprise, his expression softening. "Emma, there are just things I don't want to tell you because...I'm afraid you'll look at me differently if I told you. And you'll...change. We'll change."

"And being s*x friend isn't changing our relationship?"

He fell silent, breathing as if I'd stolen all the air in his lungs. His body trembled somewhat and it made me want to retract my words, reminding him of what I'd forgotten. Before I could speak, his eyes darted to me darkly. "It is and it was a mistake."

I gasped silently, feeling my heart shatter at those words that we were a mistake, that our night together was a mistake. I couldn't remember it but it hurt to the core that he'd rebuke me in such a way. My words struggled to come out, holding back the tears and stinging in my chest. "Was I...was I that horrible?"

"Oh, God." He threw his head in his hands, shaking his head frantically. Removing his hands, I realized he looked distraught at what was happening before us, this fighting that seemed constant. "Emma, you...we..." He scratched his head, trying to find the right words. Each second during his pondering bled me more. Then he found them. "...I can't sleep with you at all. I'm sorry. I know you like me but I'll never...love you in that way."

If I didn't feel so broken, I'd feel agony over his words. But he'd pained me so much in less than five minutes since he walked in that I was numb to pain. I had nothing else inside for him to break which hurt the most. Hurt. Alec hurt me. Ryan was right. Alec had hurt me. A tear fell, burning my eyes. It was all I could feel at the moment.

For so long, I've loved him and it was only hurting me to think he'd come to feel the same. This was inevitable from the start and I was the fool who thought it'd change, that I could make him love me the way I love him.

"Emma!"

I hadn't noticed I was rushing out the door until his voice faded behind me. The tears seemed to break through one after another after the first. Years I've loved him and he's never thought of being with me like that. Yet, he could sleep with me, get my hopes up that we'd have a chance, them smash my heart into bits knowing, in the beginning, he'd never see me like that.

Rain poured down my face and my paced decreased with every step until I finally stopped in front of the pier of the lake, gazing up at the darkened sky. It hurt worse realizing I had as much power over my love for him as I had over the rain. And all I could do was agonizingly wait until it chose to stop itself.

What a lonely, heartbreaking wait that would be.

Arms wrapped around my shoulders and I turned to see I wasn't alone. "I'll be here to help you, Emma," Tori told me. I wrapped my arms around her, my tears burning endlessly as I cried on her shoulders, my tears mingling with the rain. "It's alright." She smoothed my damp hair back soothingly. "It's alright."

In her arms, I felt like she was right, that I'd be alright but I didn't want to be alone. I couldn't feel my heart, there was nothing there. Would I be able to find all the pieces? Drawing back, I sniff one last time, the rain letting up when I pulled away. She pressed her lips together, saying nothing and I did the same. She kept an arm around my shoulders, her comforting touch telling me I wouldn't struggle alone. And that I had a best friend.

We headed back inside and immediately went to the dining table in the kitchen where everyone paused eating, looking at us. Jude's eyes widened, the pizza in his mouth hanging out. Chelsea gave us a puzzled expression, her fork of lo mein halting at her lips. And Ryan's eyes scrutinized me and locking gazes, he knew what happened immediately. In his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing, he knew Alec had just broken my heart.

I took a seat between Jude and Tori, feeling a prickle of relief Alec wasn't here to see me in this frail state. To calm their startled expressions, I gave a forced smile.

"So," I sighed, "anything with shrimp?"